Hup! [throws cheese puff to Ryan who catches it in his mouth] Michael michael Things are a little slow here. And there's only so much cold-calling you can do in a day. Turns out there's no limit to the number of cheese puffs you can throw at someone's face. Pam pam Hup! [throws cheese puff to Pam who catches it in her mouth] Michael michael We're getting pretty good at it. Pam pam [Pam and Ryan throw cheese puffs to Michael, Ryan and Michael throw cheese puffs at each other, Michael throws a cheese puff over his shoulder to Ryan, all three throw cheese puffs to one another, give high-fives] None none [Pam yawns, two cheese puffs thrown at her, one sticks in her hair] None none Andy put down a bunch of deposits on stuff for his wedding with Angela, but then she was sleeping with Dwight for... several years. Wait, no, that can't be right. Jim jim The timeline's messy. Pam pam Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love. Jim jim This is my solo. [stereo plays Andy imitating bass guitar, a cappella starts singing 'You Can Call Me Al'] Andy andy I'm confused. Am I walking down the aisle to 'You Can Call Me Al?' Pam pam Trust me. You will not be walking. You will be boogie-ing. Andy andy I am extremely interested. So, how much will all of this cost? Jim jim Well, 12 guys, airfare, three nights in a hotel, food per diem, table up front for merch... $9,000. Andy andy I don't know. It seems like a lot for an a cappella group from a college we never went to. Pam pam Did you even hear the music I just played for you? Andy andy Mm-hmm. Pam pam What's wrong with you? Phyllis phyllis These sleeves are cutting off my circulation. Not enough blood getting to my hands. Dwight dwight I think you look nice. Phyllis phyllis Doesn't Charles know he's compromising my attack readiness? It's not a dress code. It's a death sentence. Dwight dwight Looking good. Charles charles 'Kay, thank you. It's a straight jacket! [knocks things off shelf with arms] Okay. Dwight dwight When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just a lot going on, so what you wore to work was the least of anybody's worries. And in that chaos, I soared. Dwight dwight Hey. Michael michael Hey. Ed's Tires is thinking of making a change. Dwight dwight [gestures to 'Bed & Breakfast' magazine] Is this good? Michael michael They have some great kitchen ideas. Dwight dwight Oh. Okay. Ed's Tires, huh? Michael michael It's small, I know. Dwight dwight I really appreciate it. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. [Michael palms Dwight cash in their handshake] Wait, what is this? Dwight dwight It's for your trouble. Michael michael Wh- I don't need $6 to help a friend. Dwight dwight No, no, listen, as a friend, I want you to have this. Michael michael Michael, you know I can't take this. Dwight dwight Yes, I do. Michael michael But don't forget you owe me $10. Dwight dwight That was four years ago. Why don't you let it go? Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight What was up with Pam being all pushy and negative in there? Andy andy I think she just didn't want a crucifix cake. Jim jim It scares me to see you going down a road that I went down. Andy andy Am I going down a road? Jim jim When I see her bossing you around like that, it just makes me wonder if this thing really has the legs to go the distance. Andy andy It's so scary how right the things you're saying are. And you're coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course I trust your opinion on this. Jim jim I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things. Andy andy I was going to use today to purge my inbox, but now something much more pressing has come up. Jim jim Ed's Tires. Why don't you tell them that we have fewer clients, so we can spend more time with each of them. Also, try to discuss it over Indian food, and try to mention how you distrust women. Michael michael I'm not gonna do that. Pam pam That is smart. That would not seem genuine. Ryan? Michael michael I can get there. Ryan ryan Good, you take the lead on this one. Also, do not forget that he has just gone through a messy divorce. Michael michael Oh, awesome. Ryan ryan Bring it in. Morning cheer. [clears throat] Michael michael U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi! You ugly, huh huh, you ugly! You mama says you ugly! Hey! Go Michael Scott Paper Company! {Michael}, {Pam} & {Ryan} michael pam ryan I'm here. I'm a part of this now. Pam pam You needed to speak to me? Dwight dwight Dwight, take a seat. Charles charles I prefer to stand. Less blood clots. Dwight dwight Nah, that's weird. You're gonna sit. [Dwight sits] Great. You know, Dwight, it has been quite a transition for all of us. Are you happy with the way things have been runnin' lately? Charles charles Do you mean compared to the ways things ran with other bosses? Comparisons are hard. Dwight dwight I've just been impressed with your performance and I wanted to make sure good work doesn't go unnoticed. Charles charles Your concern is noted. Dwight dwight Yeah, I like your work ethic. You're so... focused. Charles charles Like a wolf. Thank you. Dwight dwight And I wanna start givin' you more responsibility. What do you say you and I go out for a drink this week? Charles charles Really? Dwight dwight Definitely. Charles charles [sighs] It's firm. Dwight dwight [on phone] I need you to get me the prices that you're charging Ed's tires so I can undercut Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael I don't know that I can do that now. You know, uh, something's come up. Dwight dwight Oh n- Is it Mose? Did you put the cover on that well? Michael michael No, Mose is fine. I roped it off. It's not about Mose. Listen, things are changing here, Michael, they're changing fast. Dwight dwight I'm not following you. Michael michael Imagine... Someone has a personal hero they really wanna help. But then there's this new guy. Very cool, very Will Smith-esque, who would not like it if he helped his hero. Dwight dwight Personal hero, cool new guy. Okay, I think I'm getting your drift. Michael michael Good, do you see what I'm saying? Dwight dwight Crystal clear. So is this for a movie that you're writing? Michael michael No. Dwight dwight Can I use it? [Pam holds up note saying "He's talking about you!"] Michael michael No. Dwight dwight [Michael dismisses note, Ryan and Pam point to notepad] Dwight, are you talking about us? Michael michael It is possible that I could be talking about us. Dwight dwight Someone could say that it is like the situation that we are in now? Michael michael It is the situation that we are in now. Dwight dwight So I would say that the old boss has always been good to Dwight, and he was there first, so he has dibs. You respect dibs, don't you? Michael michael I'm not a barbarian. Dwight dwight Good. Will you meet me in 20 minutes at the spot? Michael michael I will. Dwight dwight Dwight? Michael michael Yes? Dwight dwight Is the cool new guy Charles? Michael michael I've said too much. Dwight dwight Is it Stanley? Michael michael Hey, Andy. You know I've been thinkin about what you said- Jim jim 'Noishe.' Andy andy -I just don't know if I can do it. Jim jim That's interesting, because I hear what you're saying is that you want to do it, which means you can do it. Believe me, I broke up with Angela, and I'm like, the happiest guy ever. I mean, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Like, total freedom, you know? Andy andy It's just that Pam gets me through the day, you know? I really rely on her. I'm pretty emotionally needy. Jim jim And you know what? I am here for you. Let me be your traveling pants. [imitates punching on Jim's fist] Ah, what'd you do that for? Andy andy [both laugh] You know that I was doin' this. Jim jim [fist pound each other] Totally. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim Hello, Dwight. What's with the shirt? Are you alright? Michael michael I'm sorry, Michael Dwight dwight [Charles comes from around corner] Hi, Michael. Charles charles Oh my God! Run! Run! It's a setup. Setup! Michael michael No, Mich-Michael. Charles charles Dwight, run! Michael michael Michael, no, let's be cool, ok? Charles charles You be cool. Michael michael Yes. Charles charles Just-what's going on? Michael michael We need to talk about our two companies, and how we should behave. Dwight tells me you've been pestering him for company info. Charles charles Mm-do... Dwight would not- Michael michael He did. Charles charles I did, Michael. I was upset about the shirt sleeves at first, but now I'm okay with it. Dwight dwight Michael, I want you to stop pestering my salesmen, and I want you to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Do you understand? Charles charles I. Understand. Nothing. Michael michael [Michael storms into office] Wow. Michael michael Michael, are you alright? Pam pam It was a setup. Dwight told Charles. He told him. Michael michael Tell us what you're talking about. Pam pam Yeah. Ryan ryan It's like, a girl says she'll make out with you, but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon. Michael michael We can't help you if you don't just tell us what happened. Pam pam I got hit in the face with a pee-filled water balloon, Pam, ok? I don't know how they did it. They filled the balloon with pee. A funnel? I don't know. Is that clear enough for you? Michael michael Hey, Jim. Andy andy [Jim slams lunchbag on table] I just totally blew a sales call. Jim jim Bro, I do that all the time. Andy andy Yeah, well, with you it's different, okay? Cause I just- I just suck. I just- I suck! Jim jim Tuna, be nice to my friend Jim, ok? Andy andy Why? When I look in the mirror, I don't like the face that looks back. Jim jim Well, so what? Your body's a ten. Andy andy Forget it. Jim jim Jim. Andy andy I said forget it. [drop kicks lunch across room, stomps on it] Jim jim [on phone] Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight Hello, traitor. Michael michael I think you have the wrong number, Michael. Dwight dwight I want you to listen to me, friend, and I want you to listen to me good. I am going to come at you, and I am going to come at you hard. I am going to steal all of your clients, and then I am going to kill them in front of you. Michael michael Michael! Pam pam I'm just getting hardcore with him. Michael michael Finally. Ryan ryan Yes, and hear me, Dwight, when I say I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. [hangs up] Bill Cosby. Michael michael [on phone] Mr. Schofield, please? Dwight dwight He's in a meeting. Secretary secretary Dammit! [hangs up] Dwight dwight [on phone] Is Mr. Schofield there? Michael michael If you'd like to reach an outside line, please dial nine first. [Michael sighs, hangs up phone] Automated Phone Voice automated-phone-voice So, you think Michael's going after the whale, huh? Stanley stanley I have a long term relationship with Harper Collins publishers and Mr. Schofield. I'm not worried. Dwight dwight You sound worried. Phyllis phyllis And you have bad skin. Oh, look everyone, we're all making observations! [gibberish sounds] Dwight dwight [on phone] Well, if you could do me a big favor and tell Mr. Schofield that Michael Scott has tickets to the Wilkes-Barre Penguins game this weekend, and if he would like to join me... Hello, Daniel. How are you? Uh-huh. I sure do. Yes. [referencing rolodex card] Wanted to ask, did Kathy ever make JV? Michael michael Look at that old dude and his rolodex go. Ryan ryan I spent a month putting that rolodex on his Blackberry, which he now uses as a nightlight. Pam pam Wow. High score? Michael michael And no, I cannot lower my current prices. [phone rings] Hold on. Hello? Mr. Schofield, thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I wanted to discuss your contract with us- oh, you're considering him. I thought Michael Scott left the paper business after his nervous breakdown. Dwight dwight Michael has been talking to my biggest client. Master and apprentice pitted against one another for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper market. So it's not exactly like 'Highlander,' but still... Dwight dwight Hello, Dwight, I've been expecting your call. What do you want? Michael michael I would like to arrange a truce. Dwight dwight So you heard Schofield is considering a switch, and you want mercy? Michael michael Meet me in our spot in four minutes. Dwight dwight No. No. You think I am going to fall for that? There's no- Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight Meet- Ok, go to the spot and then walk 100 feet. Michael michael In which direction? Dwight dwight Toward the sun. Michael michael At what time? Dwight dwight Noon. Michael michael That- Dwight dwight You have two seconds. [Dwight starts running] Michael michael [looking at his watch] Michael. [Madge walks by] Sorry. Dwight dwight Dwight. Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight I hope you're not recording this conversation. [Dwight drops his pants and lifts up his shirt] Good. I cannot believe that you sided with Charles. Michael michael You were making me do things that were not all right. Dwight dwight So you just rat me out? You could have said no. Michael michael And not come through for you? Dwight dwight If you want a truce, I will give you a truce. Michael michael I want a truce. Dwight dwight I do too. Michael michael Let me take you and your whole company out for lunch at Alfredo's. Dwight dwight Cooper's. Michael michael I had fish yesterday. Dwight dwight Damn it. Michael michael [Michael, Ryan and Pam sitting at restaurant, phone rings] Oh. Dwight-elicious. Where you at? Michael michael Oh, hi, Michael. I'm so sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic. Dwight dwight Really? That's weird. We didn't see any. Michael michael I hit a bear. Dwight dwight What? Michael michael He's technically fine. I imagine the true horror will be when he wakes up in a zoo. [throws a fish into the vent at Michael's office] Hey, listen, will you do me a favor and order the meatball parm for me, with extra cheese? Dwight dwight Yeah, sure. Michael michael Ok, I will see you very soon, alright? [takes all the items off Michael's desk and puts them into briefcase, including rolodex] Dwight dwight Okay, see you in a bit. Dwight hit a bear. He'll be here in a sec. Michael michael [Pam, Ryan and Michael enter office] Sounds neat. Pam pam We can spend a couple days there. Ryan ryan Oh my God, I think we've been robbed! Pam pam [Michael answers phone] Yeah. Michael michael Did you enjoy your lunch? Dwight dwight Dwight, not now, we've been robbed. Michael michael No, Michael, you were sabotaged. Dwight dwight No, Dwight, we were robbed. How would you even know? You're still stuck in traffic. [Pam holds up sign saying "Dwight did it!!"] You? Michael michael Me. Dwight dwight What about our truce? Michael michael I broke it. Dwight dwight On purpose? Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight Why? Michael michael You think this is some kind of game? No, this is a war, and I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf! Dwight dwight Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it. Michael michael And I knew that you would do that. The meatball parm is their worst sandwich! Dwight dwight Oh. [bites into sandwich, looks disgusted] Bastard! Michael michael Hi there. Dwight Schrute here. I was just calling to see if Michael Scott Paper was meeting all of your paper needs, and how is [reading off rolodex card] Brenda, age four, ponytail, and Simon, age 7? Oh, you don't say. Dwight dwight [holding up rolodex card] Schrute comma Dwight. And on the back he wrote, "great salesman, better friend." [turns card over] "Tall" and "beets." Dwight dwight And say hello to Cheri, who is your black wife. [hangs up and answers cell phone] I see you're begging for mercy, huh? Well, you will find none here. Dwight dwight Dwight, do you mind if we talk? Michael michael Sure. That'd be fine. Dwight dwight If you keep coming after us, the Michael Scott Paper Company cannot succeed. Michael michael This is war and that is what happens. Dwight dwight Oh, one more thing. I'm going to have you listen while I steal your biggest client. Michael michael Oh, no. No. No. No. No. Dwight dwight Oh, uh oh, I'm turning you down right now. Michael michael Michael! Michael! Dwight dwight You can hear me, but I can't hear you. Michael michael Mr. Schofield's ready to see you now, Mr. Scott. Secretary secretary Oh, great. Mr. Schofield's ready to see me. Thank you so much. Michael michael Don't let him in! He's a traitor! Michael! Dwight dwight Walking in the door... Michael michael Michael, good to see you. Mr. Schofield mr-schofield Mr. Schofield, good to see you. And I'm closing the door. [Dwight runs out of the office] Michael michael [on speakerphone in Dwight's car] Now, when Dwight tells you that he will keep prices steady for a year, I think he is speaking out of turn. Michael michael Really? Mr. Schofield mr-schofield Yes. He does not have the authority to say that. I, on the other hand, am the president, the owner, and the founder. It is like you are buying software from Bill Gates. Michael michael Are you saying you invented paper? Dwight dwight [hugging a crying Jim] Okay, okay. Andy andy Oh, God. Jim jim Okay, Tuna. Andy andy Hey, guys. Kelly kelly Hey. Jim jim Hello. Andy andy Excuse me, can I have your attention, everyone? Here's the deal, everybody, Jim Halpert is very upset and disturbed. I don't know if it was something you did, something you said, a look you gave him, maybe it was nothing at all, but here's the deal, ok? It stops now. Andy andy I guess I could be nicer. Kevin kevin Andy, I think Jim is messing with you. Phyllis phyllis Oh, really? Andy andy Mm-hmm. [looks over to Jim smiling through windows to the kitchen] Phyllis phyllis Okay. Jim jim Yeah, okay, what the heck is happennin' here? Andy andy Two things I need you to understand. One, Pam and I are very happy together. Jim jim Uh, that's not what was- Andy andy And two, that stuff that happened with you and Angela is a bummer, and I know you don't think you're ever gonna find someone else, but you will. I promise you, you will. Jim jim Oh man, he got me so good. I learned something about myself today. Yeah. I wish this was a sofa, cause I feel like I could sit here and talk for hours. Andy andy What is that thing that Dwight always says? Paper is the soil in which the seeds of business grow? Michael michael It's not the soil! It's the manure! Paper is the manure! On-time delivery is the soil! Aah! [runs into office] Dwight dwight Uh, hello, Dwight. Secretary secretary Spin move. Dwight dwight Oh- Secretary secretary Ha ha! April 13th, 2002. Dwight dwight Dwight, I'm in a meeting. Mr. Schofield mr-schofield That's very rude. Michael michael I barge because I care. April 13th, 2002, that is the date when you tried to switch paper providers for an obscure sociology textbook, but were hung out to dry when the price of glossy stock increased. Dwight dwight Maybe we should schedule a meeting on our- Mr. Schofield mr-schofield La la la! Continuing. Notice my persistence and recall. Continuing! You called Dunder Mifflin, and your order was filled within an hour! Dwight dwight I'm going to pull a date out of the air right now. April 13th, 2002. That is the last day that you evaluated your paper needs. Is it not? We all know that the economy is bad, and bloated companies like Dunder Mifflin... Michael michael Come on. Dwight dwight Are going to fall by the wayside. Two of their branches have closed within the last year. The Michael Scott Paper Company, however, has opened a new branch this very month. Michael michael What he's not telling you is that he will abandon you. Dwight dwight Why don't you guys just e-mail me your best offers and we can finish it up that way? Mr. Schofield mr-schofield That sounds like a fantastic idea. I will see you this weekend for the Penguins. Box seats as usual. Michael michael Uh, ok, sure. Mr. Schofield mr-schofield Good, good, good. I will see you. Michael michael Thank you, Mr. Schofield, for your time. Much appreciated. Oh, and tell me, um, how's your gay son? Dwight dwight Excuse me? Mr. Schofield mr-schofield I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "Orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "Don't say it." Michael michael How is Tom, the homosexual sophomore? Dwight dwight I wanted to start a company, not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve? Apart from abolishing slavery? In that case, war was the right choice. This doesn't feel as important though. That's just how the world works, I guess. Michael michael [muffled speech, Ryan, Michael, and Pam all have mouths stuffed with cheese puffs, Michael answers the phone and talks with mouth full] None none He gives me leads and I take the leads from him and in exchange it makes him feel good. And if a friend can't make you feel good, then I don't want any friends. Except Dwight, because he is our only source of fertile leads. Michael michael Dwight just got Howard Family Dry Cleaners. Michael michael Uncle Dave? Ryan ryan He's undercutting us big time. He's actually taking a loss and paying the difference out of pocket. Michael michael That's my family. When you mess with my family, I can't be responsible for my actions. Ryan ryan When are you ever responsible for your actions? Pam pam Get off my ass, you hag. Ryan ryan Hey, hey, hey. Something about that seems inappropriate. Michael michael Betrayal ain't just a river in Egypt. Michael michael Who is that knocking on my taste buds? Why, it's Mr. Lemon. Hmmm, nice to meet you. Andy andy It's good. But won't it feel weird cutting into a cross? Pam pam Don't think of it as a cross in the Judeo-Christian sense, think of it more as a symbol of your lives crossing in marriage. Andy andy When I think of it like that, I do not think of the other connotations. Jim jim Yes! Andy andy I don't think so, Andy. Pam pam Sorry. Her day. Jim jim Hey, bud. Andy andy Are they looking at me? Jim jim Who? Andy andy Everyone. Everyone just keeps looking at me. Jim jim Are you sure? Andy andy Will you just talk to them, please? Pam just knew! Jim jim