[breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing] Michael michael This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left. Jim jim [over PA] This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. [snickering] I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. [wheezing laughing, starts coughing] Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it. Michael michael [disgusted groan] Jim jim Could I stick it with a pin? Michael michael Ugh. Pam pam [still talking over PA] Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets [Jim stands up, puts scissors in back pocket] because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine. Michael michael [sighs and knocks on Michaels door] Jim jim You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert. Michael michael That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh... Jim jim What? Michael michael What the heck? Is that, uh... [bends down, cuts phone cords with scissors] Jim jim You find it? Michael michael I didn't, I'll look somewhere else. Jim jim All right. Michael michael All right. Jim jim Would you like fries with that? Please drive around. Michael michael [knocks on Pam's hotel door] Hello, good morning. Michael michael Good morning. Pam pam You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles. Michael michael Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. [laughs] No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. [looks at Pam] Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy. Michael michael He brought a sled. Pam pam No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie. Michael michael Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks. Pam pam Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! [gets in backseat] Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night. Michael michael Separate rooms. Pam pam Well that goes without saying. Michael michael I'm going to say it anyway. Pam pam Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's... Michael michael This is a new cardigan. Pam pam ...kind of [retches] Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something. Michael michael No. Pam pam No. Oh, all right. Michael michael [front door slams, Kelly walks by] Hey, Kelly. Jim jim Screw you. Kelly kelly Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior. Dwight dwight Oh yeah? Screw you too. Kelly kelly Whoa! What was that all about. Jim jim You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday. Phyllis phyllis [Jim and Dwight sitting next to each other in talking head interview] Go ahead. Jim jim Go ahead, you do it. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim I insist. Dwight dwight Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama. Jim jim What he said was... [puts finger toward Jim's face] Dwight dwight [pushes Dwight's finger away] Just, easy. Jim jim ...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads. Dwight dwight Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. Jim jim [at the same time as Jim] I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. [shoves Jim's arm away] That's on my side. Dwight dwight So this is fun. Jim jim My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. Kelly kelly Can I turn on the radio? Pam pam No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare. Michael michael But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do. Pam pam Then listen to your iPod, Pam. Michael michael That's dangerous. Pam pam Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk. Michael michael That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head. Pam pam You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so... Michael michael No, that was a long time ago. Pam pam Is that why your wearing makeup today? Michael michael No, I'm not even wearing that much. Pam pam I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so... Pam pam Oh, this is a nice office. Julia julia [laughs] You don't have to lie. Through here. Stanley stanley Um Phyllis, who's that? Andy andy She's out of your league Andy. Phyllis phyllis For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women. Andy andy Sexually? Phyllis phyllis This conversation is over. Andy andy I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win. Andy andy We just wanted to say we are very sorry. Jim jim Screw you guys. You're dead to me. Kelly kelly If you say screw you one more time... Dwight dwight Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that. Kelly kelly Hey, HEY. Dwight dwight [while Dwight and Kelly are arguing] Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do? Jim jim I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again. Kelly kelly Oh God. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it. Kelly kelly What kind of cake do you want imbecile. Dwight dwight Ice Cream. Kelly kelly [taking Michael's picture] Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin. Pam pam Hello, Rolando, how are you? Michael michael Hi. Rolando rolando Rolando, [clears throat] I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime. Michael michael [sarcastically chuckles] Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over. Rolando rolando Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked. Michael michael Stop it, please. Pam pam That's what I do, steal my trick. Michael michael Please cut it out. Pam pam Hey. Hi, guys. Karen karen [notices Karen's pregnant] Oh my God. Is that Jim's? Michael michael What! Karen karen Michael! Pam pam Of course not! Karen karen Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and... Michael michael Let's just get this over with, shall we? Karen karen Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months? Michael michael [partially blown up balloons on table and hanging from streamers] Are you kidding? Jim jim Well, I'm not done yet. Dwight dwight Dwight. This, [picks up balloon] fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? Jim jim They match the carpet Dwight dwight What is that? [looks at sign that says "IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY."] It is your birthday period. Jim jim It's a statement of fact. Dwight dwight Not even an exclamation point? Jim jim This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer. Dwight dwight I can't believe how bad this looks. Jim jim Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's. Dwight dwight Okay, good then. Jim jim Have you collected the money from everyone? Dwight dwight I am working on it. Jim jim How much do you have? Dwight dwight Six dollars. Jim jim [yelling] That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim! Dwight dwight I said I was working on it. Jim jim [sighs] Dwight dwight [looking into Julia's car] Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! [bangs on car and alarm goes off] Whoa! Aah, Aah! [backs up and runs into another car starting another alarm] Andy andy [on cell phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up phone, sighs] This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump? Michael michael Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about? Karen karen I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died. Michael michael But now we think you're a liar. Karen karen Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars? [Pam tosses a handful of Mounds bars at everyone] Michael michael I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. [starts singing] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it. Michael michael I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. "M" your name is Mark. Michael michael Yes. Mark mark Got it. It works. Michael michael Uh, it's very insulting. Karen karen But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say? Michael michael But we already know each other's names. Mark mark Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try. Michael michael Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over. Karen karen Oh, I still have more. Michael michael Can I please see you in my office, please? Karen karen She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K" Karen. Pam, let's go. Michael michael I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget. Julia julia Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? [starts singing to the tune of Feist's 1234] One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather... Andy andy Four Splenda. Are you crazy? Stanley stanley Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes. Andy andy Are you out of your damn mind? Stanley stanley Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her. Andy andy We're not friends. I didn't think about it. Stanley stanley We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down. Andy andy You really like her, huh? Stanley stanley Yeah. I really like her with all my heart. Andy andy [thinks for a moment] Give me two clients for her. Stanley stanley I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre." Michael michael No that's, that is incredibly dangerous. Karen karen No, don't worry, the chain is off. Michael michael No it's not. Pam pam You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team. Karen karen Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it. Michael michael So when are you due? Pam pam Uh, in about a month. Karen karen Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations. Pam pam Thank you. It just all happened so fast. Karen karen It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or? Michael michael Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me. Karen karen Oh, great. Michael michael His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky. Karen karen Oh, he's cute. Pam pam Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that? Karen karen What is happening there? [points at picture] Pam pam Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky. Karen karen It's really sweet. Pam pam No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time. Michael michael So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim? Karen karen Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged. Pam pam That's so great. That's great. Karen karen Thank you. Pam pam Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you. [hugs pam] Karen karen Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment. Michael michael I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother. Stanley stanley So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or? Andy andy No, it could go straight to our business address. Julia julia Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or? Andy andy Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend. Julia julia [stammers] Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird. Andy andy Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking. Andy andy [quietly] Oh, my desk is over... [quickly walks away] Oscar oscar This gal, she's really into you? Creed creed Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up. Andy andy All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her. Creed creed Okay, it sounds risky. Andy andy Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim? Creed creed Wait, what? Andy andy I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean. Michael michael I like her. Pam pam Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think. Michael michael I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came. Pam pam Why? Michael michael Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good. Pam pam Thanks for walking me out. Julia julia Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so... Andy andy You must be freezing. Julia julia I am about to die. [laughs] Will you wait here while I go get my jacket? Andy andy Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car. Julia julia Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee. Andy andy What's a "Nard-Dog"? Julia julia [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog. Andy andy [Andy leans in to kiss her] Whoa. What the hell? Julia julia Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh I, I thought we had this energy. And I'm a mess. And I just had my heart broken. And you came in today and your so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty. Andy andy I just got out of a relationship too. It's really hard. Julia julia Yeah, right? Wow. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall of something? Just walk around? Andy andy No, I, I don't think so. Julia julia Sure, yeah that's... your right. It's too soon for... definitely too soon for me. So I'm glad we go that out of the way. I'm gonna be in touch with you. In three months. I'm gonna call you about that order. And maybe about that mall walk. Andy andy [chuckles] Okay. Julia julia Take care Julia. Andy andy Thank you. Julia julia [as Julia is pulling out] Sorry I tried to kiss y... Andy andy We lost the account. Andy andy [struggling to blow up a balloon as his desk phone rings] Damn it! [answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight [over the phone] How old's Kelly? Jim jim Who is this? Dwight dwight It's Mose. Who do you think it is? Jim jim Mose doesn't know how to use a phone. So joke's on you. Dwight dwight Look, I'm at the supermarket, and they only have numbered candles. How old is she? Jim jim Uh, 24. 37. Dwight dwight Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation? Jim jim [sighs] I'll call you back. [goes to a filling cabinet takes out a file and looks around] Dwight dwight I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. [opens file] "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah. [closes file] Dwight dwight Are you asleep? Pam pam No. I'm just thinking about what you said, about Karen, about closure. You remember Holly? She used to work for H.R.? Michael michael No, remind me. Pam pam Blonde hair, nice boobs. Not too big, not too small. Michael michael Perfect boobs, [gives a look at the camera] of course I remember Holly. Pam pam She was the love of my life. What you and Jim have times 100. Just she... she just left. And I didn't... I never got closure, you know? I never got closure with her. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't seen her since. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. I feel like I need that. Michael michael Okay, lets go. Pam pam [scoofs] I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester. Michael michael Yeah, screw 'em. Let's do this. Pam pam [chuckles] Okay. Michael michael [leaning against Creed's desk] So I am collecting $3 from everybody. For Kelly's party. Jim jim I'd like to contribute. Creed creed Oh, great. Jim jim [opens wallet and hands Jim a single bill] There you go. Creed creed [looks at a three dollar bill] Jim jim