Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid] Dwight dwight [looking around office to see if anyone notices the smoke] Does anyone smell anything smoky? Dwight dwight Did you bring your jerky in again? Angela angela [clears throat] Dwight dwight [points to smoke] Oh, my God! Uh, Oh my God! Pam pam What- Phyllis phyllis Whoa, fire! Andy andy Oh, fire! Oh my goodness! What's the procedure? What do we do, people? Dwight dwight The phones are dead. Pam pam Oh, how did that happen? Dwight dwight It's out in the hall. Kevin kevin No, we don't know that. The smoke could be coming through an air duct. Dwight dwight Oh my God! Okay, it happening. Everybody stay calm. Michael michael What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure? Dwight dwight Stay [bleep] calm! Michael michael Wait, wait, wait. Dwight dwight Everyone, now [bleep] calm down! Michael michael No! No, Michael! No! Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. Dwight dwight What does warm mean? Michael michael [groaning] Oh my God. Everyone everyone Not a viable option. Dwight dwight Try a different door. Pam pam Okay, what's next? Dwight dwight Don't run. Michael michael Oh! Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle? Dwight dwight It- it's warm. Andy andy Well, uh, another option. [everyone chattering at once] Dwight dwight Back door. Jim jim Back to our options. Jeez! Ok! settle down everyone. No bunching! Dwight dwight Oh! I forgot my purse. Phyllis phyllis Leave it woman! Stanley stanley Get out of the way! Go, go, go! Michael michael Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however, can... Dwight dwight Ah! My hand! That's hot! Oscar oscar Aah! This ones hot too! Andy andy Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself. Michael michael Okay, let's go. Dwight dwight [shouting] Out of my way! Let's go. Get out of my way! Everyone everyone Calm, please Dwight dwight Get out of the way! Andy andy Have you ever seen a burn victim? Dwight dwight Move it! Andy andy Okay! Procedure, procedure. Exit options. Where do we go folks? Wha- Use a what to cover the mouth? Dwight dwight [pulling cat out of filing drawer] It's okay. Shh shhh. Angela angela A what? A rag. A damp rag, perhaps. Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? Okay, that's the wrong way. We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. Exit points people. Dwight dwight Oscar. Angela angela What's next? Dwight dwight Oscar! Angela angela Stay alive! I'm getting help! Oscar oscar Pull me up! Angela angela You're too heavy! Oscar oscar I only weigh 82 pounds! Uh- save Bandit! [throws cat into air duct and he falls out through the other side] Oh! Angela angela How about 911? Anyone? 911. [Michael throws a chair at the window, Kevin smashes a chair through the vending machine and begins to grab snacks, everyone is shouting.] Dwight dwight What do we do? Pam pam Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. Dwight dwight Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. [everyone is coughing from the smoke, Dwight lights some fire crackers and they start popping] Jim jim What is that? What is that? Angela angela The fire's shooting at us! Andy andy What in the name of God is going on?! Phyllis phyllis Yes! [Dwight pulls fire alarm] Yes, ba- Yes, battering ram! Battering ram! Andy andy Ahhhh!!! [Oscar's leg crashes through the ceiling] {Phyllis} and {Creed} phyllis creed Go, go, go, go, go!! [Andy and Jim ram the door with the copy machine] Andy andy [throws the projector out the window] Help!! Help!! Michael michael I'm about to die! Stanley stanley [blowing air horn] Attention everyone! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. There is no fire. It was only a simulation. Dwight dwight What?! Jim jim Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. [Oscar drops down from the ceiling] So, what have we learned? [Stanley falls to the floor] Oh come on. It's not real Stanley. Don't have a heart attack. Dwight dwight No, no, no! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth to mouth. Michael michael No, no, no! Don't give him mouth to mouth for this! Jim jim He's going to swallow is tongue. Michael michael No. Michael. Michael. Jim jim Open your mouth. Come on. Don't swallow it. Michael michael [everyone shouting at once] Michael! Michael! Jim jim Leave me al- Michael michael You're choking him! Andy andy Saving him! Michael michael How could you possibly think this is a good idea? David Wallace david-wallace A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Dwight dwight Electricity. Michael michael Shampoo. Dwight dwight You could have burned down the whole building. David Wallace david-wallace I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. Dwight dwight Did you shout, "Fire!", causing a panic? Lawyer lawyer Yes I shouted "fire!". I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what- heeded- Dwight dwight Hed. Hedded Michael michael When no one hedded- Dwight dwight Take hedded of. Michael michael N-no one would take hedded of my instructions. Dwight dwight Heed. Heed. Michael michael So, you- Dwight dwight Take heed of. Michael michael And, well, I don't see my co-workers- Dwight dwight Take heed of. Michael michael Hee-heeding this right now. Dwight dwight Wh-what? Lawyer lawyer Okay. [walks to the window, sighs] This city. Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed. Michael michael No, we are mad. David Wallace david-wallace Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. Michael michael No, we're not. David Wallace david-wallace I am not a mind reader, David. Michael michael Look, this is very serious offense. We have cause to fire you. David Wallace david-wallace Can you shove down? Instead... shove down, please. Instead, what I think we should do is strip of your title as safety officer. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight And we should take a part of his pay and donate it the charity of your choice. Something that Dwight doesn't like. Michael michael PETA. Dwight dwight Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died, because of the way that you are allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscious? David Wallace david-wallace Do you? Michael michael Michael? David Wallace david-wallace You talking to me? Michael michael Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace What? Michael michael Well... I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. [chuckles] It always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change with a twenty minute meeting in some fancy high-rise. What's the matter? You hungry? Dwight dwight [sighs] No, Dwight. I am worried. A man's life is in my hands. Michael michael Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. Okay? Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. Dwight dwight That's not gonna happen. I'm taking over as safety man. Michael michael What? You? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Come on. Dwight dwight I'm a smart guy. I'll figure it out. Michael michael That's preposterous. Dwight dwight No, I will. Michael michael Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true. Michael michael Shhh! Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. [whispering] Welcome back, Stanley. Michael michael Thank you, Michael. Stanley stanley It's true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people... Stanley stanley [flashback] Not maybe. Yes or no. Stanley stanley [flashback] No way. Uh-uh. Stanley stanley [flashback] Are you from another planet? Stanley stanley [flashback] Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. Stanley stanley [flashback] Did I stutter? Stanley stanley [flashback] I'm done. Goodbye. Stanley stanley But the doctor said if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings I'm going to die. Stanley stanley Andy. Michael michael [in a British accent] A throne for your highness. Andy andy I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. Stanley stanley No, no, no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you are back on your feet. Michael michael I'm going to die. Stanley stanley A-B-C. Okay? And hat stands for... airway, breathing and circulation. CPR trainer cpr-trainer Okay, you know what? That could be a little confusing, because in sales A-B-C means "always be closing." Michael michael This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. Dwight dwight Shut it. Shut it. Michael michael We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket. Michael michael [giving chest compressions to the practice dummy] I can't keep doing this forever. Kevin kevin It's been 20 seconds. CPR Trainer cpr-trainer Call it. Kevin kevin Would you like to try next? CPR Trainer cpr-trainer Absolutely I would not. Dwight dwight You know who I really think should go? Stanley. Michael michael Oh, I don't know. Stanley stanley That's not a good idea, Michael. Phyllis phyllis Come on. Michael michael He needs to rest. Phyllis phyllis No rest for the sick. We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? Michael michael I would die. Stanley stanley And you're okay with that? Michael michael I'm okay with the logic of it. Stanley stanley Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this. Michael michael Yes. I had a heart attack. I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job and I don't have enough saved to retire. I feel like I'm working in my own casket. Stanley stanley Come on Stanley. You're losing you. You're losing you. Do it! Michael michael Michael! Angela angela This is you we're talking about. Michael michael Michael. Angela angela Okay, okay. I'll show them. Here we go. [whispers] Stanley. All right. Michael michael So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? CPR Trainer cpr-trainer No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. Michael michael No, that's not part of it. Rose rose Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? Michael michael I would want to live with no legs. Kevin kevin How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything. Michael michael All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him. Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute . Rose rose okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? Michael michael How's that gonna help you? Jim jim I will divide and then count to it. Michael michael Right. Jim jim Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? Rose rose Yes, yes I do. I love that song. [clears throat, begins to sing] First I was afraid, I was petrified. Michael michael No, it's-Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Rose rose Okay, I got it. Michael michael [to Rose] You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you. Creed creed Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive [Andy joins in] Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Michael michael Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah... Michael michael Oh you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man, no time to talk. Music loud, women warm, been kicked around since I was born. Oh, it's alright, it's okay, [Michael and Kelly join in] you can look the other way. Loo do do! Andy andy Okay! Rose rose Da, da, da, da, da, da, da Andy andy Okay! Rose rose [muttering] Stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Everyone everyone Yeah, okay. You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, and the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. So you lost him. Rose rose Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? Dwight dwight I have no idea. Rose rose Anyone else? Dwight dwight We bury him? Phyllis phyllis Wrong. Ehh. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. Dwight dwight He has no wallet, I checked. Creed creed He is an organ donor. Michael michael He is. Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [pulls out knife from holder that is attached to his leg] Here we go. Dwight dwight Oh my God! Dwight! Angela angela Dwight! Kelly kelly What are you- [people are yelling] What are you doing? Angela angela We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. Dwight dwight I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. Stanley stanley Hey, Stanley. Michael michael Stanley. Andy andy Are you okay? Michael michael Oh my God! [Dwight has cut the face off the CPR dummy and put it over his own] Angela angela Oh my God! Stanley stanley Dwight! Angela angela Clarice? Dwight dwight Oh my God! Stanley stanley Could you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? David Wallace david-wallace I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie and it turns out, it's pretty realistic. Dwight dwight We had to pay for it. Cost us thirty five hundred dollars. David Wallace david-wallace Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Michael michael Wow. Dwight dwight Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. Michael michael Hope you brought your appetitos. My lady. My tuna. A little movie popcorn. [dumps popcorn in bowl, it's almost all seeds] Uh, damn it. This movie, a lot of buzz. Not coming out for another six months. Mrs. Albert Hannaday. So, friendship with the Nard-dog has its privileges. Andy andy We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people. Pam pam And we don't know how. Jim jim But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. Pam pam Punishment fits the crime. Jim jim [movie] I want you to meet my nana. Nana... Jessica Alba jessica-alba Mmmhmm... Lily lily This is Sam. Jessica Alba jessica-alba Hi. Nice to meet you Mrs. Hannaday. Sam sam Please- Call me Lily. [light chuckle] Let's play Bridge. You can be my partner. Lily lily Alright... Lily. Sam sam [after Pam checks her cell phone] What's going on? Jim jim Uh, no one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. Jim jim My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and... it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe. Pam pam He's not saying what he needs to say. Pam pam Hmm? Who? Sam? Andy andy Yeah. Pam pam I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then- Jim jim Hmm. Andy andy Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head. Andy andy Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? Michael michael I have. Dwight dwight Let's hear it. Michael michael [clears throat] "I state my regret." Dwight dwight You couldn't of memorized that? Jim jim I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. Dwight dwight It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. Phyllis phyllis Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now! Dwight dwight Hi dad. Yeah Jim has shaving cream, check our bathroom. Pam pam [movie] I'm in here. Lily lily I uh, I'm sorry I didn't uh, realize you were in a bath. Do you want me to go? Sam sam I want you to stay. Lily lily Gimme a break. Jim jim I know it man. You know, Lilly was supposed to be Nicole Kidman, um and it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole kidman dropped out so they went with Lily, with a small rewrite. Andy andy [movie] Get that in there. Oh yeah. Sam sam Get that done already. Lily lily I know but if I get it in deeper... Sam sam [to Pam] Can you believe this? [pause] He was pretty talkative at breakfast. Jim jim Yeah... but... eh... breakfast? You mean when they were eating soup? I don't think that was breakfast. Unless soup, does soup symbolize breakfast? Andy andy So he doesn't share it with his daughter but he shares it with his daughter's fiance? Pam pam You guys, they're making out. Andy andy Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim Um, did my dad say anything about my mom? Pam pam Mmm... nope, we mostly just talked about cereal. Jim jim [sighs] Pam pam What? Jim jim I dunno. I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 'cause he can't really talk to me about it. Pam pam Mmm... Jim jim You're good to talk to. Pam pam [laughs] I'm ok, I'm not, great, and um... [nods] Jim jim [in a monk-impression tone] Ohmmm... Ohmmm... Everybody sit on the floor Indian style like me. [Meredtih sits Indian style in a dress exposing herself right in front of Michael] Ohmmm my God if you're wearing a dress please keep your knees together nobody wants to see that ohmmm... ohmmm... Michael michael My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice... Michael michael [everyone is lying on the floor in the conference room with the light off, Michael is walking around with a candle in his hand] It is a beautiful, sunny day as we walk through the meadow that is very spiritual and relaxing and there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. Now, up ahead, a castle, in a distance. Michael michael Don't open your eyes. Jim jim What? [opens her eyes, Michael is standing over her] Oh... Pam pam And you walk up toward the castle, and inside the castle are 4 men, and each of them, none of them have shoes, and they give you a funny cigarette, and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream. You want a big bowl of ice cream. What kind do you want? Shout it out. Michael michael Chunky monkey. Meredith meredith Too expensive. Michael michael Chocolate. Stanley stanley Racism is dead Stanley, you can have any kind of ice cream you want. What do you want? [beeping starts] What is that? People! Please I told you to get rid of the cell phones. Michael michael It's my bio-feedback machine.. Stanley stanley Oh, ok. What is that, like, a video game? Michael michael It alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down. Stanley stanley You have stress? Michael michael Yes... Stanley stanley During our relaxation exercise? Michael michael Let me get you some water. Phyllis phyllis No no, I'll help you. I'll help you up. Here we go. Michael michael No, Michael, No. [beeping speeds up] Stanley stanley Let me getcha. Michael michael Would ya, would ya step back please Stanley stanley Ok, alright. Michael michael Please. A little further. Stanley stanley Ok. [beeping slows down] Michael michael That's better. [Michael walks back towards Stanley and the beeping goes up again] Stanley stanley Ok... I think that thing is on the fritz. Ahh... Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what HE said! Right guys, 'cause of gay? [Oscar has Stanley's monitor now] Let's give this a shot. Michael michael Hellloo... [beeping speeds up as Michael gets closer] Michael michael Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out. Kevin kevin So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh, hey Mom. No, what did Dad say? Pam pam What did you say to my dad? Pam pam What? Jim jim After you talked, he called my mom and said he was gonna look for an apartment. Pam pam Oh my God. Pam, I don't know, I, nothing, truly, nothing. I mean, I, I just was honest with him and I, I'm so sorry, I don't know. I'll call him again. [Pam rolls her eyes and walks away] Jim jim Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, so... it was her parents or my parents... Jim jim What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? Pam pam I don't get it. Do I stress you out? Michael michael Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. Dwight dwight Oh... Michael michael Speaking of which... [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight's formal apology] Dwight dwight Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. Michael michael Ok everybody, I've figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what's causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short... Michael michael A vacation. Kelly kelly What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c'mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You've seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing, and everybody's hugging each other... Michael michael Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you? Oscar oscar Si senor. Michael michael That's offensive. Oscar oscar It's not! It's not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin on this. I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer... fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good. Michael michael [giggling] Oh my GOD... Oh man... Ohhhhh my God... Kevin kevin I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry. Oscar oscar I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. Michael michael May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you. Dwight dwight Hey, this is your apology letter. Phyllis phyllis That was the last signature I needed. Dwight dwight Whoo!! Welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you're here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and... ah... whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Ok... lower the mic for the midget. Michael michael If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter] Angela angela I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. [grin] Angela angela If you ever called the fire department 'cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be... Angela angela Michael Scott! [laughter] Group group Hey Hey, I don't go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha! Michael michael I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael. Kelly kelly You're so lucky! Good one... [clapping] Michael michael Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"... Meredith meredith Well... Michael michael Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget. Meredith meredith Pow pow pow... [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping] Michael michael [yelling at Michael in Spanish] Oscar oscar [Toby tries to come on stage] NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY. [Toby shrugs and sits back down] Michael michael Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. Jim jim I know where this is goin'. Michael michael Do ya? Jim jim No... Michael michael Ok. Remember Spider face? Jim jim No. Michael michael OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface. Jim jim Spite her - ok [laughter] Michael michael Yeah... yep. Jim jim How dare you all attack him like this. Dwight dwight Oh, stop it Dwight. Michael michael Michael is your superior. Dwight dwight No no no no no no! Michael michael Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him. Dwight dwight Dwight your'e supposed to do it this way. Michael michael Ok, no, they don't understand who they have... Dwight dwight That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot. Michael michael You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back. Dwight dwight Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot. Michael michael Are you calling me an idiot? Dwight dwight Idiot. Michael michael Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing] Dwight dwight Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. Pam pam Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right? Michael michael Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter] Pam pam Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind. Michael michael Mike claims, we're all a family isn't that right? Darryl darryl We are, we are a family. Michael michael Ok, so um, what's his name? All the way in the back there. Darryl darryl Oh very funny. Michael michael What's his name? Darryl darryl Uhh... hehe hah! I'm thinking Roy? Michael michael Roy left years ago. What's his name? Darryl darryl I don't believe I have had the pleasure. Michael michael Michael I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic... Warehouse {Michael} michael What's his name? Darryl darryl Jefferson. Michael michael Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drumset again] Darryl darryl [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than applesauce. We're stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it's true. That's what I hate about you. That's what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. Andy andy Haha ha. Thank you very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn't tiny, its average, so... get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um... [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh um... [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum] Michael michael Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks. Pam pam It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them. Dwight dwight [in the lunch room, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles] Kevin kevin Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday. Oscar oscar I'm almost done. Kevin kevin That reeks, and I'm trying to eat. Oscar oscar Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring? Dwight dwight Yep. You're being replaced. Jim jim I think he meant personal day. Pam pam Oh, that's quite a leap Pam. Dwight dwight I hope he's ok, I feel bad. Phyllis phyllis Give it up, he's dead. Creed creed He just sent a text... Jim jim What's a text? Creed creed [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw... caw... caw caw... caw... Michael michael You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don't matter to him, because we're just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I'm okay. No, I'm not. Michael michael Phyllis there's a package for you. Pam pam Oh, ok. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box] Phyllis phyllis [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it. Dwight dwight [movie] Sam, Sam Sam. It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, and its not that you want children. It, it's that you lied to me. Can't you see that? Can't you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he's going to cry] Lily lily Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don't care how much time we have left. I don't care what my friends say! And I don't care what your mom thinks! Frankly I'm pretty sure she's not makin any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy's crying, "I'm All Out of Love" starts playing] Lilly. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. Lilly... Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button! Sam sam [through tears] Sam! Sam! Andy andy Hey Dad. No I know, Mom told me. Ok. Yeah I'll see ya then. Pam pam So what did he say? Was it my fault? Jim jim Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best. Pam pam You ok? Jim jim Yeah. [they hug] Pam pam When you're a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous] Pam pam I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm... maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. Andy andy Michael! It's really good to see you. Pam pam Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck? Dwight dwight Are you alright? Jim jim Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement] Oscar oscar I um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. Michael michael What? Pam pam Well I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget. Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, you're teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are... [Stanley is laughing] Oscar, you're gay. Michael michael Wow. Oscar oscar Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation] Michael michael They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case. Michael michael