Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on! Michael michael Michael we don't know what you're talking about... Pam pam Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write? Michael michael Michael you could put your initials in it. Kevin kevin M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't... Michael michael Yeah that's true. Jim jim Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go! Michael michael We- we- Phyllis phyllis Here we go! Michael michael Well- Phyllis phyllis Let's, yes? Michael michael When I was a little girl... Phyllis phyllis Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it! Michael michael We-we found some wet cement in the park... Phyllis phyllis It's drying, it's drying... Michael michael In our neighborhood... Phyllis phyllis Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl! Michael michael What did we write? Phyllis phyllis Ahh come on! Michael michael Here it is, you should draw a picture... Andy andy No! Michael michael Cause that says, that says... Andy andy No! Michael michael So much more than words... Andy andy No!! Come on, gimme something good! Michael michael Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good... Kelly kelly Pam, translate. Michael michael She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement. Pam pam I love it! Michael michael If you were a real star you would put your face in it. Jim jim I love it more! Michael michael Michael that doesn't seem... safe. Oscar oscar I... love it!! Haha, come on! Michael michael Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael] Dwight dwight We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man. Jim jim [with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please. Michael michael Greatness is only skin deep, some people say... Jim jim Can you breathe? Dwight dwight Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside... Jim jim Hold your breath. Dwight dwight And in this case... Jim jim Ready? Dwight dwight That's also not true. Jim jim And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can. Dwight dwight [muffled] That's what she said. Michael michael Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole..." I dunno, it's a good feeling. Michael michael [playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective... Andy andy Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice. Angela angela Good one. Okay, you ready? Andy andy Mmhmm. Angela angela [reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. "Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?" Andy andy [laughing] It's a man eating cat food. Angela angela What about a cat eating man food? Andy andy Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them. Dwight dwight [wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up. Pam pam All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction... Michael michael I don't have my contacts... Pam pam Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room. Michael michael Ener-gize... Michael michael You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly... Jim jim Don't, don't- Pam pam Would... Jim jim If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no. Pam pam Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world. Jim jim Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy? Michael michael What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep? Andy andy Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim? Michael michael What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep? Jim jim Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme... Michael michael An urban thing... Jim jim An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley... Michael michael Not me. Stanley stanley Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group. Michael michael No. Stanley stanley Stanley, we're havin a little... Michael michael Leave me alone, dammit. Stanley stanley We're havin a little brainstorm session... Michael michael DID I STUTTER? Stanley stanley ...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water. Michael michael Can I talk to you a second? Toby toby Ugh, what? Michael michael Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning... Toby toby What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened. Michael michael Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate. Toby toby That? In the conference room? Michael michael Yeah. Toby toby We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said "did I stutter," and I said "wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright? Michael michael He didn't seem like he was joking. Toby toby Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: Michael michael You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker. Andy andy [kicks the car] Unh! Scratch. Dwight dwight That's a racing stripe. Andy andy Uh, bumper's sagging. Dwight dwight Mmm, I doubt that very much. Andy andy This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing. Dwight dwight How next to? Andy andy Well, here are your options: Dwight dwight What. Stanley stanley I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal. Michael michael What are you talking about? Stanley stanley Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool. Michael michael I am not going to apologize to you. Stanley stanley It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too. Stanley stanley Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line-green for money-sales, get it? Dwight dwight Uh huh... Michael michael There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley... Dwight dwight Great Michael michael However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly. Dwight dwight What's the pink? Michael michael Menstrual cycles. Dwight dwight Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this? Michael michael You. Dwight dwight Other than me. Michael michael Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office. Dwight dwight I never said you could do that. Michael michael All you have to do it say it. Dwight dwight I... Michael michael Just say it. Dwight dwight Okay, I will think about it. Michael michael Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself. Dwight dwight Hey Pam, I really like your glasses. Kevin kevin Oh, thanks. Pam pam All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses. Kevin kevin Oh, okay... Pam pam Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually... Kevin kevin I should probably get back to... Pam pam Like librarians. Kevin kevin Entering the.... Pam pam Could you just say, "these are due back Thursday"? Kevin kevin No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message] Pam pam A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless. Creed creed Mike. Darryl darryl Hey. Michael michael I'm very busy here, man. Darryl darryl Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang? Michael michael Why? Darryl darryl It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um... Michael michael No, no, no... Darryl darryl I know, it's very, very personal... Michael michael No, um... I have. Darryl darryl I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods? Michael michael Both. Darryl darryl God. Michael michael Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors... Darryl darryl Okay. Michael michael Newsies. Darryl darryl Okay, so dig this: Michael michael [to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan? Ryan ryan Oh boy... Jim jim How do you live with a franchise this bad? Ryan ryan On a wing and a prayer, mostly. Jim jim Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance. Ryan ryan A formal warning... [chuckles] Jim jim It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Ryan ryan [stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head. Jim jim This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it. Ryan ryan I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really... Jim jim Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright? Ryan ryan I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam Toby toby Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want? Pam pam Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff... Jim jim Because you're very important? Pam pam Yeah... Jim jim [washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA! Dwight dwight What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit. Andy andy It's my car now. Dwight dwight I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me. Andy andy Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay. Dwight dwight I've got a Madlib for you: Dwight dwight Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him. Michael michael What does that mean? Pam pam It's like a mock execution. Michael michael That's not a good idea. Jim jim Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left. Michael michael Well, you can actually fire him. Toby toby No, okay... I've had enough of you. Michael michael Why are you telling us this? Oscar oscar Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay? Michael michael Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him. Kevin kevin I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second? Michael michael Stanley Hudson, you are fired. Michael michael Are you serious? Stanley stanley I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack. Michael michael You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me? Stanley stanley Hmm. Michael michael I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office. Stanley stanley Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice. Michael michael So I'm not fired. Stanley stanley That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me? Michael michael Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all? Stanley stanley Okay... Michael michael Do you have any idea how to run an office? Stanley stanley Yes. Michael michael Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before. Stanley stanley That's not- Michael michael And I think, "there's no possible way- Stanley stanley All right, all right... Michael michael He can top that." Stanley stanley Okay. Michael michael But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot! Stanley stanley Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out. Michael michael Who? Jim jim Everybody, except Stanley. Michael michael Let's go. Jim jim I can't find my glasses. Pam pam Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here. Jim jim Okay, okay. Pam pam [chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it! Kevin kevin [starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me. Michael michael Oh, for the love of God. Stanley stanley You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand. Michael michael Fine. Here it is: Stanley stanley I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, "I don't respect you!" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some-take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect! Michael michael So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley? Michael michael Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles] Stanley stanley That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs] Phyllis phyllis Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis. Michael michael You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just... Michael michael Who else is he mean to? Jim jim Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me. Michael michael What kind of stuff does Stanley say? Pam pam Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts. Michael michael Why would he say that? Kelly kelly Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is... Michael michael Mm-hmm. Jim jim And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly. Michael michael She's never worn these glasses before. Jim jim Well, he's just mean. Michael michael Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly. Pam pam It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk. Michael michael Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash. Jim jim Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching. Kelly kelly Okay. Michael michael I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand. Michael michael Pam, stand up. Michael michael Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses. Pam pam Hi, Pam. Meredith meredith Pretty disgusting. Michael michael I like your frames. Phyllis phyllis Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too. Pam pam Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. Phyllis phyllis Ignore her, those glasses are so cool. Kelly kelly Really? Pam pam Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time. Kelly kelly Huh. Maybe I will. Pam pam Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office. Kelly kelly What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great. Pam pam Yo! Ryan ryan Hi, can I help you? Pam pam Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately. Ryan ryan [pointing] Ryan! Pam pam Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it] Ryan ryan Yeah. Pam pam Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God. Ryan ryan Okay. Pam pam The only good bagels anywhere. Ryan ryan I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor] Pam pam Same with coffee, and women. Ryan ryan Okay. Pam pam I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs. Ryan ryan Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry. Pam pam A formal warning, seriously? Jim jim Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years. Toby toby And no one cared. Jim jim But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue. Toby toby Productivity? My numbers are good. Jim jim I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough. Toby toby Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.] Ryan ryan