I really didn't think I was going to have a good time, but I did. Totally did. Toby toby I love camping. [in a singing voice] Anything can happen. Meredith meredith Oh, it wasn't camping, it was more of a wilderness retreat. [Michael walks in] Toby toby Morning. Michael michael Michael. Toby toby Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him. Pam pam Did you sleep in cabins? Pam pam Under the stars. It was really beautiful, you should come. Toby toby Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once. [Michael laughs] Phyllis phyllis Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip. Toby went, but Michael didn't go. He wasn't invited. Phyllis phyllis Who went? Pam pam Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany and Ryan, obviously. Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, "No more s'mores, no more s'mores." [everyone in room but Michael laughs, Michael exits break room] Toby toby Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat. It was this amazing, beautiful experience [Michael knocks on the window behind Toby from outside] Toby toby [from outside] Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up. Michael michael Michael wasn't invited. Toby toby Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping, and you know what hypothetical means? [Jim makes a face] Not real. Michael michael Got it. Jim jim So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go? Michael michael Absolutely, yes. Jim jim When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Yeah? Jim jim Oh, you wanna go today? Michael michael And I am always busy. Jim jim Oh, can't go today, 'cause I'm donating blood. Jim jim How often can you actually donate blood? Michael michael Is there a limit? Jim jim Your body only has a certain amount. Michael michael Well, is that it? Or? Jim jim Yeah, just this whole Toby, camping thing, uh, seems a little lame. Michael michael How so? Jim jim A bunch of guys, in a tent? Making s'mores? [makes a noise and gestures with his hands] Michael michael What's that? Jim jim Hello, I'm Broken Mountain. You know, here's the thing. That's not how you go camping. I think you go camping by yourself-- Michael michael Right. Jim jim In the wilderness. It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents. It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change. Michael michael Not gonna change. Jim jim I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and, and find out something about myself, I wanna get outta here. All the cliques, and the office politics. Fluorescent lights. Asbestos. Michael michael I thought we had that looked at. Jim jim I'm sick of it Jim. I'm sick of this place. Michael michael When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called "Survivorman." And, it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out in the middle of no where and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal, or be overexposed. Michael michael OK, I will only need two things. Roll of duct tape and a knife. Michael michael [winks] I'm on it. [leaves room] Dwight dwight OK. Thirty minutes or less, please come back. Save the receipts. [Dwight comes back with set of knives] Hey, what... Michael michael Let's see if any of these will work. [clears the front of Michael's desk] Dwight dwight Hey, hey hey! Dwight. [Dwight rolls out an assortment knives]. Dwight. Michael michael I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk. People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place." Well I say, "It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose." Dwight dwight Dwight and I are going out. He will return later, but I will not. I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow, and perhaps the next day. Michael michael Do you want me to ask where you're going? Pam pam No. Michael michael Great. Pam pam Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness. Michael michael Oh. Pam pam Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choice is yours. Michael michael Hmm, no, the choice is actually yours. Are you sure you want to do this? Jim jim Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days. Do not try to follow me. Michael michael OK, great. Jim jim This is a very personal, private experience in the wild, that I wish to share it with me, myself and I. Michael michael Yup. Jim jim When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being. Michael michael That'd be great. Jim jim Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: Dwight dwight This is what a true survivor man does. You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck. You could only wear the clothes that you have on, and you could only use the stuff you have in your pockets. Now, in this case, this disaster is a serial killer. Creepy guy who's abducted me and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead. Michael michael No, I would never leave you for dead. You would never escape. Dwight dwight Well, yes I would. And I would survive. Michael michael I would make sure that you were dead. Dwight dwight Well... Michael michael First, I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. Dwight dwight You... Michael michael And they would call me the Overkill Killer. Dwight dwight You... you are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. [blindfolds eyes with tie] OK. Michael michael What are you doing? Dwight dwight I am putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings. Now this way, I can't retrace my steps. I don't know what streets we've been-- [Dwight whacks Michael with his shoe] Ow! What are you doing? Michael michael It would be better if you were unconscious. Dwight dwight No! Gosh! Dwight. [Dwight tries to hit Michael with his shoe again] Stop it, stop it! Stop it. Michael michael Do you want to do this right or not? Dwight dwight Just, please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life? Michael michael Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday. Angela angela Oh, wasn't it just someone's birthday? Jim jim Yes. Kelly's was last week, remember? Angela angela I do remember, yeah. Jim jim It's birthday month. Creed's is today. Oscar's is week after next. Meredith's is at the end of the month. [Jim exhales deeply] Michael usually goes with red and white streamers... Angela angela You know what, I have an idea. Why don't we just do one big shared party? Jim jim What? Angela angela There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast. There are two types of toasts. One is a joke about how old you are. Jim jim [flashback to Stanley's birthday] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug. Michael michael And the other is something inappropriate. Or horrible. Or both. What else? He only sings the high harmony to "Happy Birthday." And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault. Jim jim [flashback to Kelly's birthday, hiding in the elevator] Happy Birthday! Michael michael Ahhh!! [drops the papers she was holding] Kelly kelly [flashback to Oscar's birthday, hiding in the break room] Happy Birthday! Michael michael Ahhh! [runs into door and Michael laughs] Oscar oscar [flashback to Phyllis' birthday, sneaking up on Phyllis' car] Happy Birthday! Michael michael Oh! [Michael laughs] Phyllis phyllis So... I think, yeah, I think getting these out of the way might be productive. Jim jim We can just have one big fun party. Everybody's happy, nobody wastes their time. Jim jim I don't like it. [Angela leaves] Angela angela Wow! You're shaking things up a bit, huh? Pam pam It's a pretty good idea, don't you think? Jim jim Do you think it's a good idea? Pam pam No... I think it's a great idea. Jim jim [smiles] Hmm. Pam pam We're here. [gets out of the car] Dwight dwight Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest. Just the two of us from this point out. Michael michael [leading Michael from car] Here we go. Just the two of us [gestures for camera crew to follow] Dwight dwight Here we go, into the wild. Mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature? Dwight dwight Keep going, you're fine. Just some bushes and some thickets [leads Michael into some tall grass] Keep going. You wanted wilderness, you got it. Dwight dwight You know, try sending them another invoice. Jim jim Ok. Oscar oscar Alright. [starts walking away, but returns] Oh, did you see my memo by the way? Jim jim [picks up and reads memo] "Let's be honest, as fun as birthdays are we could all use a break from the constant cake, so let's celebrate birthday month in style today." This is really cool. Oscar oscar Right? I was just thinking... Jim jim No, totally, totally. This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun. Oscar oscar Right! Exactly. [pats Oscar on the back and walks away] Knew I could count on you. [Oscar rolls his eyes] Jim jim Good a spot as any. [They stop and Dwight starts spinning Michael around in circles] Dwight dwight What are you doing? Stop. Dwight, Dwight. Just -- Michael michael I'm just -- Dwight dwight Stop. Michael michael Spin. I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction. [stops spinning and takes Michael's blindfold off] Behold. Dwight dwight Alright, good. Thank you, Dwight. Michael michael Here's your knife. Here's your duct tape. Dwight dwight Alright, very good. Ahh, OK. [Dwight gives Michael a hug] Michael michael Good luck, Michael. Dwight dwight Thanks for the ride. OK. Leave me be, Dwight. [Dwight runs off] Michael michael Hey, Jim, can I have my own cake? Meredith meredith What's that? Jim jim I really prefer devils food cake. Meredith meredith Oh, sure. Jim jim Yes! Meredith meredith OK. [Meredith leaves] Jim jim Wow! That was easy. Pam pam Yeah, people like me I guess. Jim jim [knocking from outside window in break room] Jim. Creed creed I hate devils food. Creed creed Well I think Meredith was just -- Jim jim Screw Meredith, I don't think it's fair to let someone else pick the cake on my birthday. Creed creed Everybody's birthday. Jim jim Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake. Creed creed What do you want? Jim jim I want pie. I want peach pie. Creed creed You want a birthday pie? Jim jim I want a nice cobbler. Creed creed Well, I'm gonna to talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie. Jim jim I don't care who you talk to. Just make it happen. Creed creed It will be Angela. Jim jim You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means. Creed creed [to own camcorder] Day One. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials. A knife, roll of duct tape, in case I need to craft some shelter or make some sort of water vessel. It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about [looks at watch] 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It's really beating down on me now. I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources. [cuts pants with knife] OK. OH, there we go. Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here... Michael michael I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity. Dwight dwight There we go. [standing with short sleeves and short pants] Much better. Now everything I brought with me can be used. My sport coat here, can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts [ties jacket around neck]. Michael michael I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs. [puts pant leg on head like a hat] Michael michael See, this is a beautiful piece of material [rips other pant leg in half] This could be used for all sorts of things. Michael michael Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable. Michael michael Tuna. [rolls in chair to Jim's desk] Andy andy Andy. Jim jim Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgie the Whale. Andy andy Not your birthday. Jim jim Well, I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a Fudgie the Whale. Andy andy Alright, I'll look into it, but the answer's no. Jim jim Wow, OK, harsh. Just don't expect me to show up. Andy andy Hey, Andy, I have some calls to make. Jim jim Loud and clear. [rolls in chair back to desk] Andy andy Alright. [Andy rolls back] Jim jim Pizza rolls. Andy andy OK, I'm gonna go into this office here [gets up and walks into Michael's office] to do some work. So I will be in here. Jim jim Mushroom caps. Andy andy I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm loving it. I can literally say anything I want. No one is gonna here me. [screams] Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! Doesn't even matter. Michael michael Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. [pulls a nest from a tree] I hope he finds it. [picks up some bird eggs] Lunch. Dwight dwight Well it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants. Several hours in, time for me to find some nourishment. Now, these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life. Things like, uh, squirrels, nice juicy rabbit would be delicious. Michael michael About two more minutes [cooking bird eggs]. Dwight dwight I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit. Ohh... It's Creed's birthday. [singing] Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday, buddy. Michael michael What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday, so what if there's a lot of them? Meredith meredith Yeah, I work hard all day. I like knowing that there's going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break. Kevin kevin I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die. Stanley stanley Why don't you just have an apple? Oscar oscar Why don't you mind your business? Stanley stanley Listen, I figured this out. Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care. Creed creed Probably went to his head. Oscar oscar Yeah. [Jim enters room] Creed creed Hey, Jim. Oscar oscar Hey guys, what're we talking about? Jim jim Nothing! Nothing going on. We're talking about nothing. C'mon gang. Creed creed Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter. And this little guy [pats a large tree trunk] may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day. Michael michael Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... [clicks rifle into safety mode] on. Dwight dwight [knocks] Hey Jim. Toby toby Toby. Jim jim Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays. Great idea. Toby toby Oh, thanks man. Jim jim Yeah... Toby toby Is there anything -- Jim jim My birthday was two months ago. Toby toby Oh, OK. Jim jim There was no party. Toby toby What? Jim jim Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot. Toby toby I remember that. Jim jim I don't know, I just thought you could include me. Toby toby Seriously? Jim jim I just though you could add me. I don't see the harm in that. Toby toby Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. [in Toby voice] I don't see the harm in that. Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon. Jim jim OK. Yeah, you know what, we're just gonna throw you in. Because more the merrier, right? Jim jim No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have devils food, peach cobbler, Fudgie the Whale, mushroom caps. Angela angela I'm allergic to mushrooms. Toby toby That's a bummer. OK, then we need to...[steps outside office] Hey everybody. Hi, how you doing? Can I have your attention please? 'Cause we have to talk about this birthday thing. Jim jim [raises hand] Conference room? Pam pam Yes, conference room in five minutes... No. No. We're gonna solve it right here. We're actually gonna talk about it out here. So, who has problems with the birthday thing? [everyone raises hands] One, two, three, everybody. OK, so then we just shouldn't do it. Jim jim What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie?' Angela angela Oh, I'll take 'em. Kevin kevin Well nobody's touching my cobbler. Creed creed [raises hand] Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. Phyllis phyllis Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact. Jim jim Under this tree, I think I struck the mother load. Those [points camera to mushrooms] are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well. [puts them in mouth] Michael michael Stop! No, no Michael! Nooo! Nooo! [runs up to Michael and knocks him over] Nooo! Arghh. Get, get them out. [picks out mushrooms from Michael's mouth] Dwight dwight Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday [Michael joins in with high note] to Creed. Happy Birthday to you. [Creed blows up candles on pie] Everybody everybody Yeah! [everybody clapping] Alright, skip around the room. Skip around the room. We want -- OK, alright. Yeah, don't do that. You're gonna break something. Michael michael Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television, and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive. I don't need the woods. I have a nice wood desk. I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C. And I don't need wide open spaces. Check it out. [shows off computer screen scenery] I can also make it the sky. Michael michael Hey, buddy. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim What up? Michael michael Sure glad you're back. Jim jim You are relieved. Michael michael You have no idea. Jim jim So what did I miss? Michael michael Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. Jim jim Oh. Michael michael So, terrible idea. Jim jim Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake. Michael michael You did do it? Jim jim Uh huh. Yeah, just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out. Michael michael Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years. Jim jim That's what I said. That's what she said. Michael michael That's what who said? Jim jim I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard. Michael michael That's what she said. Jim jim Hey! Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward. Michael michael Come in! Michael michael Oh, it's Creed's birthday today. Should we get him an ice-cream cake? Mint chocolate chip? Pam pam Pam, are you my friend? Michael michael Oh, no. Pam pam We have been friends forever, right? Michael michael Yes, I have been working with you forever. Pam pam Hypothetically... would you go camping with me, if I were to ask you? And bear in mind that I would never actually ask you to go camping. That Jim is also a friend of mine, and I would rather die than make any sort of improper ovation toward you. Michael michael I don't think so. Pam pam Here's the thing. When Michael invents a hypothetical situation, he eventually turns it into an actual situation. Pam pam Do you understand that Jim is like a brother to me, and I would never do anything inappropriate? Michael michael I do. Pam pam So, as friends, would you go with me on a camping trip? Michael michael No. Pam pam Thank you for your honesty. Michael michael You're welcome. Open or closed? Pam pam Split the difference. Hey... mint chocolate chip, please? Is Jim out there? Michael michael No. Pam pam Can you send Dwight in here? Michael michael Yeah. Dwight, Michael wants to see you in his office. [Dwight runs in] Pam pam You wanted to see me? Dwight dwight Mmhmm. I had something very personal I would like to discuss. [Dwight closes door, takes off glasses, kneels in front of Michael's desk] Would you go find Jim, and send him in here, please? Michael michael I'm on it. Dwight dwight Michael has employed Dwight to track you down. Pam pam How much time do I have? Jim jim Jim, Michael's office. Dwight dwight Couple minutes, give or take. Pam pam Now, Jim! Dwight dwight And this... is a Hassenfass. Case-hardened steel. One side, as sharp as you'd ever want something to be. The other side serrated for maximum damage. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Look at that. Perfectly balanced. This is a fine precision instrument. Dwight dwight All right, Dexter, just give me the knife. Michael michael Don't you want a sheath for that? Dwight dwight No, just get me a case. [Dwight looks at the camera, lifts his leg onto the desk, removes the sheath from his ankle, and gives it to Michael] All right. Michael michael Anything else? Flint... Dwight dwight MmMmm. All I need... Michael michael Parka... Dwight dwight No, Dwight! Michael michael Tent, rainfly, gorp... Dwight dwight I'm telling you, all I will need are my instincts and my will to survive. Michael michael Mmmnnnnmmm... Dwight dwight [holding up knife] What is this called again? Michael michael