[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Rolando. Oh yes, she's been expecting your call. [knocks on door] Rolando rolando Yeah. Karen karen Karen? He's on line one. Rolando rolando Thanks Ro. Hey, we finally connected. How's Scranton? Karen karen I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else. Karen karen Look, All I'm saying is it would be a great opportunity, and we'd love to have you come aboard. So think about it, okay? Okay, bye. Karen karen Look, for the record, a certain Scranton salesman approached me, okay? Karen karen This is perfect. Michael michael He looks like your twin. Dwight dwight This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We have tied a string to the wrist, which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring. Now nobody knows whether I am here, or whether I am gone. Michael michael I will know. Dwight dwight But, you will not tell anyone. Michael michael I won't need to because we'll be together playing hooky. Yeah. Dwight dwight Well, sometimes. Most of the time I will be with Ryan, or Darryl. [knock on the door] Yes? Oh good, good Stanley! First victim, this is what I want you to do. Go out, come back in. We're going to hide. I want you to tell me if this looks like me, okay? Michael michael I don't understand why sleeping at your desk is better than you not being here. Stanley stanley Just go out, and come back in. Michael michael I got an offer from Utica for more money, and I'm going to take it. Stanley stanley What? Michael michael Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? I just thought you all should know that Stanley Hudson is planning on leaving us, because our old friend Karen from Utica is going to give him more money to work there. Michael michael [applause] All all No, no, no, no, no-no, no no. You completely misinterpreted my tone, this is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her. Michael michael Oh, I don't think that is what's happening. Jim jim Okay, smarty pants, then why? Why is she trying to take Stanley from us? Michael michael I think it's because of my sales record. Stanley stanley That could not possibly be it. Michael michael You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming. Michael michael How can I get you to stay? Michael michael Money. Stanley stanley Yeah we all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving. Michael michael Money. Stanley stanley Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that. Let me ask you this, if I were- Michael michael Money. Stanley stanley Pssh, kay. Michael michael Oscar, did you bring it? Pam pam To be Edwardian. His best work. Oscar oscar Okay, well I have the tablecloth, don't forget the flatware. Pam pam Sure thing Pam, can't wait. Oscar oscar Oscar, Toby, and I are founding members of the Finer Things Club. We meet once a month to discuss books and art, celebrate culture in a very civilized way. Sometimes the debate can get heated, but we're always respectful. There is no paper, no plastic, and no work talk allowed. It's very exclusive. Pam pam Besides having sex with men, I would say that the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me. Oscar oscar So tell me again why I can't be part of your club? Jim jim Because some people think you monopolize the conversation by trying to be funny. Pam pam Oscar? Jim jim Some people. Pam pam [on phone] Hello? Karen karen Fillipellers, how's it hanging? Michael michael Michael... Karen karen To the left? Michael michael Listen, I- Karen karen To the right? Michael michael I'm- Karen karen Okay, enough small talk, go ahead. Michael michael You called me. Karen karen Yes, listen, um... You cannot tear Stanley from his family like this. Michael michael I'm pretty sure his family's coming with him. Karen karen No, his work family. Look, this is very hard for me, but I'm going to give you my best man. You may have Toby. Michael michael Toby's not a salesperson. Karen karen You can train him. He's very very smart, and funny, and charming... You know, I can't do it, Toby is the worst. That- that was a bluff, um... Listen, if you are going to poach one of my guys, I'm going to poach one of yours. Michael michael Oooh. Good-bye Michael. Karen karen Okay, good-bye. Wait! Wait! Karen, could you transfer me to one of your salespeople please? Your best one? [Karen hangs up] Michael michael I have Ben Nugent on the line, he is the top salesman in Utica. Pam pam Hi Ben, Michael Scott. Michael michael Hi Michael. Ben Nugent ben-nugent I'm going to cut right to the chase here. Do you like magic? Because I'm a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes. To move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend. Michael michael Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car? Ben Nugent ben-nugent [giggles] Pam pam [to Pam] Get out. [to Ben] Uh, yeah. I also saved her life, but I guess that's not as grabby. Michael michael Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stanford quit, like immediately? Ben Nugent ben-nugent No, I fired them, and your next. ... So what do you say? Michael michael Seriously? Ben Nugent ben-nugent What is that guy talking about? Scranton is not lame. Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like Animal House. Michael michael Found him! Dwight dwight Jim, we're getting crapped on. Word is that our branch sucks, and we have to do something about it. Michael michael So what are you going to do? Jim jim What are we going to do? We are going to make a monster sale, that's what we're going to do. Corcroan dropped Staples. Michael michael Did they? Jim jim Yes they did, oh yes they did, and we are going to murder it. You, me, Dwight are going to jump into my PT Cruiser, and we're going to crush this sale. We're going to prove, what the hell is that music? Michael michael It's Vivaldi, for Finer Things. Pam pam That's the problem, that's the problem. We need rock n' roll Pam, rock n' roll. Alright? [sees Toby in a bow-tie holding a plate full of tea cups] Oh... My... God, that's why people are leaving. I- I have no words. Michael michael We just passed the exit for Corcroan. Jim jim What? What? We did? Michael michael Surprise! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. {Dwight} and {Michael} dwight michael Look at his face! Look at his face! Michael michael What are we doing? Jim jim Egg dripping, blah, blah, blah. Dwight dwight What are we doing, Dwight, what we are doing? Michael michael Well, gee, Jim, I don't know, I guess there's no sales call today. Dwight dwight We are going on a panty raid to Utica, is what we're doing. Michael michael We're going to Utica? Jim jim Uh-huh. Michael michael I'm not going to Utica right now. Jim jim Yes you are. Oh, buckle up Jim. Michael michael No. Jim jim We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you. Michael michael [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica! {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight [chanting] Utica! Utica! {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight In your face Michael michael Yow! Dwight dwight I can't believe you guys. I'm not going to go further piss off my ex-girlfriend. Jim jim Are you calling Karen? Michael michael No, I'm not calling Karen. Jim jim He's lying. Dwight dwight Yep, get it. Michael michael What are you doing? Stop it, Dwight! Jim jim [throws Jim's cell phone out of the window] Gah-ah-hah-ha! Dwight dwight Are you kidding me? Jim jim No communication with the outside world Jim. Dwight dwight It had to be done, it had to be done. Michael michael Well, that kind of sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it, so... Jim jim Oh no, that is too bad. Shoot. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Hey Dwight, he found it. Michael michael You know what? I'm just going to call a cab from here. Jim jim Alright, you're going to miss the best prank ever. Michael michael Alright. Wait, what are you planning on doing? Jim jim Do you really wanna know? Michael michael Oh, God. [hangs up phone] Jim jim Follow me, come here. Here's what we brought, we brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string, Dwight brought gasoline and chunks of rubber to make stink bombs. Michael michael Or real bombs. Dwight dwight No, no, not real bombs. Michael michael Yeah, come on, it will be so badass. Dwight dwight Uh, maybe, maybe, I don't know. Michael michael No. Jim jim It could be badass. Yeah, it will. Michael michael No, no absolutely we are not doing this. Jim jim Come on, I already filled the bottles with the gas, it's going to be so badass. Dwight dwight Are you kidding me? We've been driving around with this stuff in the trunk the whole time? Jim jim Teach her to offer Stanley more money. Michael michael So the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache. Jim jim So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex? Michael michael What? Jim jim I can't imagine the sex being bad, I mean her body is... Michael michael Okay, you know what? Jim jim ...awesome. Michael michael Why don't we play that alphabet game that you were talking about? Jim jim Okay, I will start. Um, "A." [singing] "A" my name is Alan, and my wife's name is Alice, we live in Alaska, and we sell... Damn it! What do we sell? Um... Michael michael It doesn't matter. Jim jim I'm trying to think of what we could sell. Michael michael Doesn't matter. Jim jim Ah, la, la, la. What is that? That sound... The air-conditioning leaking or something? Michael michael That doesn't make sense, couldn't be. Jim jim What is that? Dwight, are you peeing? Michael michael I'm peeing in this empty can. Dwight dwight Oh my God! Jim jim Come on man, that is disgusting Dwight! Michael michael Well you said that we couldn't make anymore stops, and I really had to go. Dwight dwight Michael, watch the road! Jim jim Hey, you're making me spray! Dwight dwight I'll kill you man! Michael michael Michael! Michael, pull over! Jim jim That is just so disgusting! Michael michael Pull over, pull over! Jim jim I think I cut my penis on the lid! Dwight dwight Can you imagine a life where all you have to do is summer in the Italian countryside? Oscar oscar I know right? I just want to go, and look at art, and swim in the Adriatic. Toby toby And spend time with George Emerson. That's what I would do. I mean it's the best male protagonist we've read, right? Pam pam [joins them at the table] Totally, I mean, come on, such a free spirit. Andy andy What are you doing? Oscar oscar Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forester novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious Pam. Andy andy Uh, I'm sorry Andy, but this is a closed club. Pam pam The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. The party planning committee is my back up, and Kevin's band is my safety. Andy andy Fine. I'll just sit here, in the common area, and read my book. Which just happens to be the very same book you're reading. Andy andy Alright, just know that you're not in the Finer Things Club. Toby toby Why can't I be in the club? Andy andy I can't believe we're here, I can't believe this is happening. Jim jim Believe it. Dwight dwight Afro wig, do you want the afro wig? Michael michael No, Michael. I'm not leaving the car. Jim jim Yeah, Dwight, here's how it's going to go down. You and I- Michael michael Guy's going by. Shh. Jim jim You and I are going to sneak inside and pretend that we are warehouse workers. And then we will silly string the beejeezus out of the place. Michael michael And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guy in the eye with the jumbo chalk. Dwight dwight No, no, you won't do that. Nope. Jim jim Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes. Dwight dwight Dwight, nothing with the eyes, please? Jim jim Okay, Jim. Dwight dwight Oh my God, that's her! That's her, go, go, go. Jim jim Let's move! Move, move, move, move! Dwight dwight Shut up, you, shut up! This is the dumbest thing we've ever done. Jim jim I think it's interesting how Forster uses Italy to represent sexuality and passion. [Kevin dumping change in the snack machine] And that also brought up themes of, uh, you know, fate and coincidence. And Lucy's torn between these two things. She's torn between passion and convention. Pam pam Damn it! Kevin kevin It just- [Kevin banging and shaking the snack machine] To be making a case for passion in Edwardian times, I thought was, uh... Pam pam Yes. Oscar oscar Damn it! [banging machine] Kevin kevin Maybe sort of ahead of his time as a writer. Pam pam Very brave. [Phyllis beeping microwave in the background] Oscar oscar Very brave choice also, I thought. Pam pam And George, his- his youthfulness. His, um, freedom. [Phyllis still beeping the microwave] Evokes, um, um, feeling, um, to the, um... What are you microwaving!? Oscar oscar Popcorn. Phyllis phyllis Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis? Pam pam Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn. Phyllis phyllis So, Stanley, are you really outta here? Andy andy Yep, looks that way. Stanley stanley I'm gonna miss you man, you've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old uncle Remus. I wanna stay in touch. Andy andy [from the walkie-talkie] We are in a stairwell. Michael michael [from the walkie-talkie] We are climbing some stairs. Dwight dwight I'm breathing heavily. Dwight dwight Okay, you know what? You don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me. Jim jim Well... Dwight dwight There's a guy, there's a guy. Michael michael There's a security guard coming by. Hello, we're warehouse workers. Would you like more proof? Dwight dwight Oh my God, oh my God, that was very close. Michael michael I can see the security guard's eyes. Dwight dwight No, no, don't do anything to them. Jim jim I have to do something to his eyes. Dwight dwight The eyes are the groin of the head. Dwight dwight Alright, Great Scott, if you found that choking hazard poster, just head on home. Jim jim We found something far better, their crown jewel. Their industrial copier. Michael michael Isn't that thing huge? Jim jim It's enormous, but it's got wheels. We're wheeling it down the hall, into the stairwell. Get the car ready, keep the engine running. Michael michael No, that is a terrible idea, don't do this. Jim jim Aha! [crashing] Michael michael My hip bone! Dwight dwight We're wedged between the copier and the railing. Ah! Ow! Ow, my leg! Jim leave us. Michael michael Don't leave us! Dwight dwight Save yourself! Michael michael Don't leave us, help us, we need help Jim! Dwight dwight Okay! First of all, stop using my name. And second of all- Jim jim Dwight, you gotta move! Michael michael Damn it guys! Jim jim Dwight, could you move over a little bit. Michael michael I'm losing control of my bladder. Dwight dwight Oh my God, oh my God, Karen is back! Jim jim Did you say Karen? Dwight dwight Take her to a motel, make love to her Jim. Michael michael No, I'm not doing that. Jim jim Just say you wanna get back together. Michael michael No, I'm not doing that! Jim jim It doesn't have to mean anything. Just, do it for Stanley. Come on Jim, just climb on top of her and think about Stanley. Ah, Jim, if this is it for me, promise me something, host the Dundies. Michael michael Jim? Karen karen Hey Karen. Jim jim Uh, what are you doing here? Karen karen First of all, hi. Jim jim What are you doing here? Karen karen You good? I'm just checking on the other branches. Michael wants me to do that from time to time, so... Jim jim Do not tell Karen about the industrial copier. Dwight dwight Copy that. Jim jim I cried for weeks over that guy, so yeah, seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies warehouse uniform, felt pretty good. Karen karen Let me ask you, did you accomplish what you wanted? Karen karen Listen lady, you can expect these kind of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people. Dwight dwight I'm taking Stanley. Karen karen Then we will burn Utica to the ground. Dwight dwight [whispers] Dwight. Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground. [they get up to leave] Michael michael Jim, hang on a second? Karen karen Yes? Jim jim So you're still doing this kind of stuff, huh? Karen karen Yeah, trying to quit though. Jim jim If you wanted to see me, you could have just called me like an adult. Karen karen Oh no, I didn't want to see you. Not that I'm not happy seeing you, right now, I'm just saying ultimately I was here for the copier. Equal, I'd say it was equal. So, good to see you... Jim jim [huffs] Karen karen I mean, it's just that- [clears throat] You know, Pam and I are still dating, so, and, I just mean that things are going really well, so I didn't want to see... you... Jim jim Oh, things are going really well? Are they? They are? That's great, that's so great. I wanna hear more about how happy you are with Pam. Can you tell me more about that? Thank you so much for coming to Utica, and breaking my copier, and telling me how well things are going in your relationship, really, thank you. Karen karen [slinking out of the room] Alright, you are welcome. I'm going to go because of, um, traffic. Jim jim Traffic, yeah. Oh, def- go, go because of traffic, definitely, beat-beat the traffic, mm-hmm. Karen karen I... will... [gives up and walks away] Jim jim We tried and we failed. Stanley, you may go. Here is a box, for your things, but I doubt that that box will be able to contain all the memories that you have of this place. Fly away sweet little bird, fly away and be free. Pam, I'm gonna need some help writing a want ad. Michael michael Um, wanted: Michael michael I wasn't really planning on leaving, all I wanted was a raise. How on Earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? [laughs] Sometimes I say crazy things. Stanley stanley Hey. Jim jim I'm so sorry, Rolando told me everything. How humiliating. Would it help you to return to another age? A time of refinement, and civility. Pam pam Are you inviting me to the Finer Things Club? Jim jim [nods head yes] Pam pam Oh-oh, come on! Andy andy [Irish accent] Angela's Ashes, top o' the morning to us. Frankie's prose is funnier than a pot of gold, say I. Jim jim Okay, did you get it out of your system. Oscar oscar Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. I thought was uh, a fun read. Jim jim Fun? Toby toby Mm-hmm. Jim jim Really? Toby toby Yeah. Jim jim What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins? Toby toby No, that wasn't fun. Jim jim Did you even read it? Toby toby Of course I read it. Jim jim How does it end? Oscar oscar Who was the main character? Toby toby Angela. Nope. The ashes. Jim jim [mouths "I'm sorry" to Oscar] Pam pam And let me just add, that as a member of The Finer Things Club, I would bring a strong financial contribution to any discretionary funds that we may have. Finally, here is a recommendation from former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum. Andy andy Okay, that's enough, uh. Thanks, Andy. Oscar oscar Mmmhmm. [leaves] Andy andy He's gonna ruin everything. Toby toby Oh, my God. His letter of recommendation from Rick Santorum is three fifty-dollar bills. Pam pam Wow. Now we can afford hard-cover books. Oscar oscar I like it just us three. [very quietly] I don't want it to change. Toby toby I love The Finer Things Club. My ex-wife used to have a book club, and I would read their book and sometimes listen from the kitchen. Toby toby The Finer Things Club was not sanctioned by the Party Planning Committee. Renegade clubs are dangerous. I squashed the Weight Loss Buddy Support Group. They didn't need to gather. It was just gross. Angela angela [slurping her from her big cup] I don't know why I'm not in The Finer Arts Club [slurring]. It's bullcrap. [throws her cup on the floor, something splashes on the camera] You clean it up. Meredith meredith [opens envelope Toby has handed him] Dear Andrew Bernard, after carefully examining your application to The Finer Things Club, we are unable to offer you a position at this place and time. We would, however, like to place you on a list in case an opportunity arises when your inclusion can be tolerated. Your position as an ongoing financial patron, however, is yours to cherish. Sincerely, The Finer Things Club. [pauses to consider] Yeees! [to Phyllis] I got waitlisted. Andy andy I got into Cornell off the Wait List. A lot of people were like, "Oh, you just got into Cornell because your dad donated a building." No. Okay. I got into Cornell because I'm smart. I'm smart enough to have a dad who donates buildings to things. Andy andy Utica is snoozeville, um, Albany are the prepsters, Nashua, no parking, um, Akron is haunted, Camden... is in a basement, Yonkers has the two hot girls, and here in Scranton, we are the cool guys. Michael michael Woo! Shotgun! Michael michael Well, you're driving, right? Jim jim Yes, I am, but I want shotgun for you. Michael michael Mmm... I'd prefer to sit in back. Jim jim Wait! I wanted to sit next to you. Dwight dwight No, Dwight! Dwight, Jim is sitting next to me. You're gonna sit in the back left where I don't have to see your ugly moongob. Michael michael Okay, that is so mean! You know what, I'm not going. Dwight dwight I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Dwight, you're handsome. You're a very handsome man, get in the car. Michael michael Woohoo! Dwight dwight [on phone] So, there was no sales call. Pam pam Nnnno. Uh, turns out, it was just a really bad idea involving fire. But I think I fixed it. Jim jim Wait, you're going along with this now? Pam pam I have to. Pam, if I'm not there, someone's going to go to jail. Or die. Jim jim Right. And, you wouldn't be able to talk to Karen. Pam pam Well, I promise you that has nothing to do with it. Jim jim A little bit. Pam pam Well, yeah I don't want to see her get physically harmed, that's for sure. Jim jim Because you love her? [baby voice] Because you love her very much? Pam pam All right, I'm gonna go now. Jim jim Okay. Have fun with your girlfriend! Pam pam Okay, I will. [idiot voice] Jim jim I'm kidding around. We joke about that stuff all the time. I'm not really the jealous type, so, I don't care if Jim sees Karen. I care a little. Pam pam They sprayed me in the eye. [Dwight and Michael are trapped by/under a copier in the stairwell] Security Guard security-guard [moans] Scranton rules! [sprays Silly Spray] Dwight dwight Dwight! Stop it! [moans] Can you help me please, I'm being crushed. Michael michael Would it have killed you to spend the afternoon making love to her in a motel room? Like I begged you to? Pam would have understood. Heck, Pam would have done it. Michael michael Pam is down for anything. Dwight dwight You embarrassed me. Jim jim You embarrassed us. Michael michael Yeah. We shoulda brought Andy. I cut a chunk out of my penis for nothing. Dwight dwight