Yeah! Everything! Oh it's all good, it's all good. Phyllis! Michael michael Dancing babies! Phyllis phyllis Dancing babies! I love it! I love it! Michael michael We are making a commercial for Dunder Mifflin today. Our first ad ever. Corporate purchased some air time in local markets to spread the word about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and they are even sending up a professional ad company to help us make it later so... it's uh, not too shabby. Michael michael Best ad ever. [sings in the tune of the "Kit Kat theme song"] Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that... I am totally blanking. What is the thing? Andy andy Nobody tell him! Jim jim What? No, why? Andy andy You got it, you're so close! Jim jim [singing] Break me off a piece of that... huh huh huh... br- applesauce. Andy andy Break me off a piece of that applesauce, I don't think... Jim jim Break me off a piece of that Chrysler car. Andy andy Nope. Jim jim Football cream. Grr! Andy andy Okay, it's football cream. It's football cream. Alright! So, anybody else? Michael michael I'm taking a computer animation class so I could try to do a logo. Pam pam Look at that. Even the receptionist is getting in on the creativity. Very good, very good. Michael michael Hello hello! Michael michael Hey, how ya doin'? Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Michael Scott. Michael michael Hey, Michael. Ad Guy #2 ad-guy Regional manager. Michael michael Hey Michael, nice to meet you Ad Guy #2 ad-guy Excited to talk ideas. Michael michael Let's do it, man. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy You know, I want this to be cutting edge. I want it to be fast, quick cuts, you know, youthful, sort of a MTV on crack kind of thing. Michael michael That sounds great. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy All right, good, well this is what we have to work with. Michael michael I would like you to meet Andrew Bernard. The 'Nard Dog. Who let the 'Nard Dog out? Michael michael Hoo hoo hoo-hoo! Andy andy He gives the best back rubs in the office. Michael michael It's true, I give a mean backrub. I also do good aromatherapy [makes farting noise]. Not! You just got 'Nard dogged! Andy andy Now this gentleman right here is the key to our urban vibe. Michael michael Urban? I grew up in a small town. What about me seems urban to you? Stanley stanley Stanley is hilarious. Phyllis is like our Mrs. Butterworth. Kind of a less urban Aunt Jemima. Michael michael These are our accountants. And as you can see they are very different sizes. What you might want to do is kind of a Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Baby Bear thing. That might be kind of fun. Michael michael [looking at Oscar] Mama Bear! Kevin kevin Who else? Michael michael I think it's great that the company's making a commercial because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people that I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers, or muffins, or mittens, or... And frankly all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide. Jim jim You playing that game again? Jim jim Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores, it doesn't have winners or losers. Dwight dwight Oh it has losers. Jim jim I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my Second Life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly. [shot of Dwight's avatar flying around] Dwight dwight [reading off piece of paper] Little girl in a field holding a flower, we zoom back to find that she's in the desert and the field is an oasis. Zoom back further the desert is a sandbox in the world's largest resort hotel. Zoom back further the hotel is actually the playground for the world's largest prison. But we zoom back further-- Michael michael Okay I can tell that your time is valuable-- Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Actually I don't get paid by the hour anymore, but thank you, I get paid by the year, so... Michael michael That all sounds really, really ambitious. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Yeah, I know. Michael michael Why don't we show you what we did with the Nashua branch? Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Mmm. Okay. [commercial plays on laptop, peppy music in background] Michael michael That's what Nassau came up with? That sucks! [chuckles] Whoa. Michael michael That's what we came up with. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Well we can do better than that. Michael michael Well the main part of the ad has to stay the same, actually. Ad Guy #2 ad-guy Yeah, it's the last five seconds where we have some leeway. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy The waving? Michael michael Well, no, no. You don't have to be waving. That was just what they did. You guys can be clapping. Sitting. Standing outside, inside, whatever. This is where you really get to be creative. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy I need some advice. I've been spending a lot of time making out with Angela lately. But we've been necking, but only necking. Right? Not actually kissing, our mouths, just the neck on neck. It's just like rubbing slash nuzzling our necks together. It's hot, I'm not going to lie to you , but it's a little weird, but you seem like a guy with answers, so how do I fast track this to get to first base? Andy andy We cannot talk about this... because, someone might hear us. Dwight dwight We'll use code names. Andy andy Angela can stay the same, but we'll change Andy to Dwight. Dwight dwight That's not different enough. Andy andy Dwike? Dwight dwight You have a call from Eddie Murphy. Receptionist receptionist Hello? Ryan ryan [on speakerphone, Eddie Murphy voice] Shrek! Shrek, I'm a donkey! I'm a donkey, Shrek! [laughing] I'm just kidding. It's me. Hello Ry. Michael michael What? Ryan ryan Okay, calm down. I have a small problem. Michael michael I told you not to call about small problems. Ryan ryan Yeah, well when I call about big problems you don't like that either, so make up you mind, kiddo. Here is the deal, the ad guys that you sent are locking me in a creative box, and sort of ignoring my ideas. Michael michael That's good. They're creative, you're not. Ryan ryan I'm creative, Ryan. Michael michael It's not part of your job, it's like, maybe you can cook but it doesn't mean you should start a restaurant. Ryan ryan Well actually I can't cook, and I am starting a restaurant. Mike's Cereal Shack. I'm thinking we'll have as many varieties as you can buy in the store. Michael michael Okay, I'm not really interested in that right now. I'm delegating creativity to creative professionals. It's a different skills set. Look, I wasn't good at sales, right? Ryan ryan Yeah! Michael michael But I'm good at managing people who do sales . Ryan ryan Are you? I don't think you're doing such a good job here, suppressing ideas and creativity. Michael michael All right, let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows, and had a huge spike in its head. And I was five, five years old. Couldn't even talk yet. Michael michael Hey guys, um, you know what, we cannot shoot this ad today. Michael michael Okay, when should we come back? Ad Guy #2 ad-guy How about never hundred hours, sir. Michael michael We were sent here to help out. Ad Guy #2 ad-guy Okay I'm not going to argue with this guy. Let's go. Good luck dude. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Hey thanks. Thank you. Michael michael [on phone] Michael, David Wallace. What is this about dismissing the ad people? David Wallace david-wallace Yeah, I'm glad you called. Ryan is being a little bitch again. Michael michael I'm on Michael. Ryan ryan What's up my brotha? Listen, David, I would like to do this ad in house. I want to use only the creativity that we have right here in the office. And I will send it to you tomorrow morning, take a look at it, and if you do not think that it's ready to air, send the ad agency back down here, and we'll do it on my dime. Michael michael This is weird. David Wallace david-wallace I'm willing to stake my entire reputation on it. Michael michael Okay, I'll see it tomorrow. David Wallace david-wallace Okay. [hangs up phone] And thus, Michael Scott sealed his own destiny. In a good way. Michael michael Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"? Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight Well they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative. Each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with. Michael michael Who are you talking to, specifically? Jim jim I kind of know what it's like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man. [makes squinty face] Kevin kevin When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials. Then I realized I had a brain. Oscar oscar I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around. Meredith meredith We have three scenes to film, big scenes. We have a song to write. So let's get cracking. Kelly, I want you to do makeup. Oscar, I would like you to do costume design, obviously. Phyllis, I'd like you look around town and see if we have any celebrities in our local area. Michael michael [gasps] Sue Grafton is at the Steamtown Mall. She's doing a book signing right now. Phyllis phyllis Okay, okay, Phyllis this is what I want you to do. I want you to go down to the mall. I want you to get in line. I want you to get her to be in this commercial. This would be a huge coupe people. All right? Do not take no for an answer. Michael michael Okay. Phyllis phyllis Does anyone actually know what Sue Grafton looks like? I mean, is she hot or-? Andy andy She's crazy hot. Creed creed Well then maybe we should just use Angela and say she's Sue Grafton. Would anyone notice? Andy andy That's not happening. Angela angela I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated. Angela angela Bye everyone. Phyllis phyllis Line it up Phyllis. Michael michael Get her Phyll. Creed creed [singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Darryl darryl Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly}, {Darryl} andy creed kevin kelly darryl Dunder Mifflin. Darryl darryl The people person's paper people. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly} andy creed kevin kelly Dunder Mifflin. Darryl darryl The people person's paper people. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly} andy creed kevin kelly Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought... I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap. Michael michael What's rap? Darryl darryl Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I'll make you a mix. Michael michael Great. Darryl darryl News flash. I got some juicy updates on Operation Fallen Angel. Remind me to tell you later. Andy andy Hey. Jim jim No talk, I'm animating. Pam pam Why don't we take a quick ten second break from that so I can show you what's going on here. [pulls up Dwight's game] Okay, this is Dwight's Second Life. He's on it all the time. So much so that his little guy here has created his own world. It's called Second Second Life, for those people who want to be removed even further from reality. Jim jim Are you serious? Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Oh my God, he's really in pain. Pam pam [sighs] Jim jim Who's that? Pam pam Oh, it's just my avatar guy. Whatever. Jim jim He looks a lot like you. How much time did you spend on that? Pam pam Not much, it's just for tracking Dwight so-- Jim jim Right... you're a sports writer in Philadelphia? Nice build too. Pam pam Yep. Jim jim You have a guitar slung on your back. I did not know you played guitar. Pam pam I... why don't we go back to this animation. Jim jim No no no, I want to see more of Philly Jim. I want Philly Jim. Pam pam Ah, show me how this works. Jim jim Oh boy. Pam pam [singing in different tune] Out of paper, out of stock, there's friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain. Call Michael, Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs. Call Dunder Mifflin. Darryl darryl The people person's paper people. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly} andy creed kevin kelly Dunder Mifflin. Darryl darryl The people person's paper people. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly} andy creed kevin kelly Stop. Stop stop stop stop stop stop. This is not me. This is not my music. Michael michael You're right, it's better than you! It's us! [sings] Dunder Mifflin. Darryl darryl The people person's paper people. {Andy}, {Creed}, {Kevin}, {Kelly} andy creed kevin kelly No, I hate it! I hate it! ...I don't hate it, I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible. Michael michael You're on your own, Mike. [gets up and starts to walk away] Darryl darryl Okay, you know what. Hold on, hold on Darryl. Michael michael You just said you hated it. Darryl darryl No. I said I hate the, the style. Michael michael [singing] Break me off a piece of that lumber tar. Snickers bar. Andy andy Okay, wow. Wow, this looks uh, terrible. Michael michael Break me off a piece of that Grey Poupon. Andy andy Andy, Andy, this is a pivotal scene in the ad. And if we don't get this, if we don't nail it, we're going to lose the whole triumph of the moment. The triumph of the will. Now, God, what? What Phyllis? Michael michael [crying] Well, I got in line to buy Sue Grafton's book and when it came to my turn I asked if she wanted to be in the ad and she said no thank you, but I wasn't supposed to take no for an answer. Phyllis phyllis That'a girl. Michael michael So I kept on asking and they finally threw me out of the store in front of all my friends. Phyllis phyllis Did you, or did you not get Sue Grafton? Michael michael [sobbing] No. Phyllis phyllis Ugh, can somebody give her a tissue please? [Kevin hands her piece of tape] Michael michael I hope you're not killing yourself on this, because I'm sure it's good enough for Michael's ad that will probably be seen by no one. Jim jim Maybe, but it's not good enough for me yet. Pam pam Okay. Do you want me to stay? Jim jim No no, you can go home. I'm good. Pam pam Pam is staying late tonight to uh, achieve her dreams. So I'm pretty proud of her, unfortunately she was my ride home. Jim jim You comin'? Meredith meredith I, ah... Jim jim Piss or get off the pot! Meredith meredith Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam Good morning. [Pam sees breakfast sitting on her desk] Yeah I'm sorry, I looked away for a second and Creed snatched your hash browns. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam You're welcome. Jim jim I worked until about 2:45 AM. And then I had to decide if I wanted to spend the night with Michael editing in his office, and Dwight watching Michael edit in his office, or drive home and probably fall asleep at the wheel and die in a fiery car wreck. I passed out on my keyboard trying to decide. Pam pam Let me pour you some bubbly because somebody got to a whole new level last night. Andy andy Andy, I can't hear this right now. Dwight dwight No, no no no, this is good. You know how we haven't really gotten anywhere that I want to get to physically yet? Well, last night, that changed. We're makin' out, I'm kissin' her neck, and cheek and her ear lobe, and she's not really kissing me back. But she closes her eyes and she's like, "Oh D, oh D." Andy andy She called you D? Dwight dwight Yeah. D for Andy. Andy andy Oh D. Dwight dwight Oh D. Andy andy [whispers] Oh D. Dwight dwight Oh D! Andy andy Ohhhhhh D! [laughing] Ohhhh D! Both both I'm about to send the ad to corporate... and it is sent. They'll probably watch it right away. I know I would. Okay. [dials phone] Michael michael [on phone] Yes? Pam pam Pam, please clear my phone lines. Michael michael Certainly. [makes beeping noises] Okay, clear. Pam pam They could call at any second now. [sighs] Oh God...I better call. Michael michael [Ten days later] Well, it's been tough. The uh, geniuses at corporate rejected my commercial and tonight they are airing the brain dead version. So welcome one and all to the world premiere of Corporate Crapfest! Michael michael [watching ad] Oh! [clapping and cheering] Everyone everyone Hey it seemed like a big hit. Bartender bartender No, it was stupid. People like waving, waving sells. It's not art. Yet we made our ad, the real one was full of humor, and full of depth, and full heart and it was real. Michael michael Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you put that in the DVD player? Jim jim Hey everybody! Just want to welcome you all to the premiere of the real Dunder Mifflin commercial, the Michael Scott director's cut. Hope you like it. Jim jim [Chariots of Fire theme plays] It all starts with an idea. But you can never tell where an idea will end up. [people passing a Corporate Memo around to each other] Because ideas spread, they change, grow. They connect us with the world. [Kelly catches paper airplane that says "I love you"] And in a fast moving world, where good news moves at the speed of time [newspaper with Andy saying "Hometown Boy Wins Race"], and bad news isn't always what it seems. [Dwight hands Phyllis paper that says "You have a son, and it's me"] Because when push comes to shove we all deserve a second chance. [Stanley finds paper that says "Turn your life around. Now hiring at Dunder Mifflin"] To score. [Jim throws paper in basket, Michael retrieves it; it says "World's Most Creative Boss"] Dunder Mifflin. Limitless paper in a paperless world. {Michael}'s Ad michaels-ad [claps and cheer] Everyone everyone Animation? All her by the way. [points at Pam] Jim jim Really? Bartender bartender I just thought you should-- Jim jim The animation was cool. Bartender bartender Thanks. Pam pam Hey listen, you ever been on a motorcycle? Bartender bartender Ahh. [puts his arm around Pam] Jim jim Michael, that was fun. Kevin kevin That was fun. Next round of drinks is on me, people! Michael michael [singing] Claude Van Damme, Hair for Men, poison gas, NutraSweet. [speaking] It's gotta rhyme with "piece." Fancy Feast! [sings] Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! It's the cat food. Nailed it. Andy andy All right! So, anybody else? No bad ideas. Everybody, let's keep 'em coming... oh, God. Okay, Toby? Michael michael Well, you know how everyone fast forwards through ads these days? Well, what about an ad in slow motion. You know, if they fast forward through it, it'll just seem normal and it will catch your eye. Plus, uh, the slogan could be: Toby toby This is Pam Beesly, representing our girl next door. Pretty but nothing special. You know, but she sort of keeps it real. What you might want to do, is if you could zoom in, like really quick zooms on her. Might be good. [walking away] Who else? [pointing] Oh, Creed... is the old guy over there. Don't look at him. You might want to use him to sort of get that Orville Redenbacher dynamic going. Michael michael Sure. Ad Guy #1 ad-guy Right. Ad Guy #2 ad-guy And if not we can just make him disappear. [walks quickly over to Jim's desk] This is Jim! Halpert. Jim has a very expressive face, don't you Jim? He is like our Mr. Bean. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim So do, um, do sad, do the sad face. Michael michael I don't want - Jim jim No, that's skeptical. Do sad. Michael michael Mmm... Jim jim That's, that's a pirate movie. [Jim stares at Michael] That's annoyed. Well, he doesn't do very well under pressure. Michael michael [shakes head] Yeah... no. [Jim turns to Pam with an exaggerated sad face; Pam laughs. Dwight walks towards Michael and the ad men] Ad Guy #1 ad-guy And anybody else, we can just hire an actor to replace. Follow me! Let's get this movin'. [Dwight goes back to his seat, embarrassed] Michael michael All right, let's start. Michael michael All right! [sitting down behind Michael's desk] I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing, but... Jim jim You are my producer, you are a suit. I am the creative genius. You take care of all the boring stuff, and let my mind just run free. Michael michael Yup. Jim jim Now, we have eighty-five dollars, and a Sam Goody gift certificate... Michael michael Right. Jim jim ...and we need to be done by 9 A.M. tomorrow. Michael michael Mmmhmm. Why don't you start by telling me what you got. Jim jim We start on a single blank sheet of paper. Michael michael Love it. Jim jim And we widen to reveal ancient Rome. Michael michael Mm, can't do that. Jim jim Okay, we widen to reveal a spaceship blasting out of a woman's womb. Michael michael Definitely can't do that. Jim jim Bull[censored] man! Michael michael You know what? Jim jim This is bull[censored]! Michael michael Okay, Scott, why don't you take your head out of the clouds and come back down to planet Earth so we can make a commercial. Jim jim Ahhhh! [sweeps toys off his desk] Michael michael I'm just doing my job, man. Jim jim If you don't let me pursue my artistic vision, I am going to walk! Michael michael Good! Fine! I've got one Andy Bernard that will direct this puppy for half your fee... [dialing phone] Jim jim No! No! Jim, Jim, don't, don't... Michael michael What? What? Jim jim No, I can do it. Michael michael What? Jim jim I can do it good. I can do it good. Please, don't. Please. [kneels in front of desk] Please give me it. Michael michael Okay, make a commercial. Jim jim [taps on desk and starts to leave his office] Do you want this open or closed? Michael michael Closed. [Michael leaves his office, gives Jim two thumbs up, which Jim returns] Jim jim Hey, everybody, I just got off the phone with David Wallace, and he has given us the go-ahead to make the first ever Dunder Mifflin television commercial. Huh? Michael michael [applause] Everyone everyone I can't hear you! [less applause] Heard you a little bit less that time. Must be... Michael michael We had already applauded. Dwight dwight Okay, okay. Who could do music? Michael michael How about Darryl? Pam pam Actually, I'm a little concerned about having a black person do the music, because that could create a positive stereotype that could then become a... celestine prophesy, and keep the next Bon Jovi from ever picking up a piano. Michael michael Michael is on a mission to prove that he's creative. Which I think is odd, because Michael actually might be the most creative person I've ever known. Every day, Michael says and thinks things that no one has ever said or thought before. Jim jim