Coat! [throws coat at Pam] Michael michael Michael just rented The Devil Wears Prada. He has his NetFlix sent here to the office, and he watches them in pieces when things are slow. Pam pam Steak! Where's my steeaaak? Michael michael He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character. Pam pam Get me Armani. Michael michael A suit? Pam pam On the phone. Michael michael Like the main company number? Because I'm gonna have to call information. Pam pam Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You are not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are. [breaks into laughter] Michael michael I owe you an apology. Michael michael You finished the movie. Pam pam Yeah. It was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you. Michael michael No. Go ahead. Pam pam Meryl Streep is the bad guy. Never see it coming. Anyways, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry. I just want what's best for you, Mo Chuisle. Michael michael Mo Chuisle. He's watching Million Dollar Baby... He's gonna try to kill me. Pam pam So this one goes with my eyes and this one goes with your eyes. People have said I have very pretty eyes. Michael michael You do. Jan jan I haven't heard the same about you. So let's just go with mine. Michael michael Well, they both go with the carpet I've ordered, and if you go with the brown leather on the sofas, then they go with that too. Jan jan We already have a sofa. So why do-- Michael michael A futon's not a sofa. Jan jan It... folds up. You've only seen it flat. Michael michael I know what a futon is, Michael. Jan jan I-- Ok. How much is this going to cost? Michael michael It costs what it costs. Jan jan No-- don't... that doesn't even mean anything. Michael michael We have gone through this. Jan jan Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money wise. Michael michael It's just that you say it's gonna cost what it costs-- [phone rings] Michael michael [on the phone] Michael, it's Ryan for you. Pam pam Conniving little runt. Put him through. Jan jan Put him through. Yes. Ryan, my man! Michael michael [on the phone] I sent you an email about the new Powerpoint. Ryan ryan Yes, and thank you for sending that to me. Michael michael I had IT install the updated Powerpoint on the computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using Powerpoint. Ryan ryan Okay, yeah, I dunno. I dunno, I think those IT guys messed up. Michael michael Hold on, I'll get them on the phone. Ryan ryan [looking at nothing] Wait, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Found it. Michael michael [talking on phone] Sure, I can hold. Jim jim [picks up phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. [opens book, then picks up phone] Schrute Farms, guten tag. How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh no, I'm sorry, no king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Aufedersein! Dwight dwight Hey Dwight. Jim jim None of your business, Jim. Dwight dwight Do you run the bed and breakfest? Jim jim It is not a B and B. Dwight dwight Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfest. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them brekafest. Dwight dwight Does the Department of Health know about this? Jim jim I'm not telling you anything. [lookings into the camera] Permits are pending. [phone rings] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin. Dwight dwight Hello, I'm looking for a room. Pam pam Okay, this is a mis-use of company phones. Dwight dwight It says here you cater to the eldery. Pam pam Where did you read that? Dwight dwight Trip Advsior. Pam pam Trip Advisor is the life blood of the Agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you might as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn. One of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see. Dwight dwight How many in your party? Dwight dwight Two? Pam pam We offer tours of the fields, and of the barn. Uh, perhaps you'll be interested in, um, Mose's table making demonstration? Dwight dwight So, um, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight. Jan jan Oh! Um, actually, I need the car. Michael michael Why? Improv? Why don't you just pretend you have a car? Good practice, incase you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car? Jan jan Use to have two cars, traded 'em in, now we're down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her. Michael michael One cardigan, one sleeping cardigan and one sleep apnea mask. Dwight dwight What about my cherub figurine? Angela angela You took that with you. Dwight dwight No I left it on my night table-- your night table, by the lamp. Angela angela You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories, and I didn't see it there. Dwight dwight Fine. Angela angela My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats. Dwight dwight The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it's so important that you all come and applaud only for my band. Scrantonicity 2. NOT Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of. Michael, can I count on you? Kevin kevin You can not, I have a thing tonight. Michael michael Dammit. Kevin kevin Uh, Michael. Jim jim What? Michael michael That reminds me, uh, if the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight. Jim jim Oh no, I have a thing tonight. Michael michael Darn it! Jim jim Shoot! Pam pam How about this weekend? Michael michael No, can't. Jim jim We only had tonight free, and we really wanted to spend it with you. Pam pam Dammit to hell. I-I-ugh, ok. All right. Michael michael Where are you going out tonight? Jim jim You wouldn't understand. It's a secret. Michael michael I wouldn't understand or a secret? Jim jim You wouldn't understand, Jim. It's a secret. Pam pam I'm sorry Mr. O'Brian, I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate that you have expressed interest in losing some weight. Well, what if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in 5 minutes? How does that sound? Amazing right? Well, it won't be that fast, but it will-[notices camera]- it will be that easy. Michael michael I can't believe this place is real. I mean, I've heard about his beet farm for years, but wow. Jim jim The Beets Motel. Pam pam The Beets Motel? That is, wow. Jim jim Thank you. Eh. The Embassy Beets. Radishon! Pam pam How are you doing this? Jim jim I don't know! [Mose starts running by the left side of the car] Pam pam Oh my gosh. Pam pam I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing. Michael michael What's going on here? Nick nick Hey, I just got off the phone, and I was gonna make another call. Michael michael We're a legit operation with a license from the city I can show you. We pay minimum wage against commision-- Nick nick No, they're with me, so... this is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars! Michael michael We have three rooms, each with a different theme. Dwight dwight What are the themes? Pam pam American, Irrigation, and Night-Time. Dwight dwight Irrigation. Pam pam Nice. Jim jim I'll put you down for Irrigation. Well then, do you have any special needs or diertary restrictions? Dwight dwight Yes. We will be requiring a bed time story. Jim jim No. Dwight dwight Not even Harry Potter? Jim jim No. Jim, come on. Dwight dwight But you promised. Mose mose Mose, bags! Now! Dwight dwight Here we are, the Irrigation Room! A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here in Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on. All righty. Dwight dwight Everybody in the conference room. In 5 minutes. Nick nick These meetings are useless. Michael michael I just want to remind you to stick to the script. Improving the work. So, make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it? Nick nick Very inspirational. [laughter] Michael michael We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales. Ok. Nick nick Or a woman. Coworker #1 coworker Or a trained seal. [laughter] Michael michael You could make jokes when you've made a sale there rookie, ok? [laughter ends] Nick nick Hmmm, I'd say 1 in 6. Jim jim What? Pam pam Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were in being murdered here tonight. Jim jim You know, I've just realized, this is Pam's and my first night away together. I use to play it over my head, and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a uh, nice hotel. Or a romantic dinner. Wine... uh but, wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And uh, I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure, just... less. Jim jim Mose, what are you doing? No Mose! Put the-- Put the manure down! Put it down! Do not throw it! DO NOT THROW IT! Ow! Dwight dwight Yes, is Mr. Hudson there? Michael michael [on the phone] Yes, who is this? Stanley stanley I'm just calling because you responded positively to the-- Michael michael Michael? Stanley stanley ...Stanley? Michael michael Why are you calling me here at home? Stanley stanley [Spanish accent] Senor, are you happy with your-- Michael michael Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home? Stanley stanley [speaking with a different voice] Have you-- Have you considered satellite television? Michael michael Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice. Why are you calling me here at home? [Michael hands up] Stanley stanley [on the phone] When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats drinking some red wine watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole God forsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott. Stanley stanley Well your son sounds like he's really motivated. I think it's crazy the coach won't play him frankly. Michael michael [hangs up phone] My office. Nick nick You bet. Michael michael Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say those words exactly, got it? I don't know why we have to keep on having this conversation. Nick nick Look, I know sales, and I had that sale, I just needed a few more minutes-- Michael michael A few more minutes is a waste of our time. Nick nick It is not a waste of our time. Michael michael This is a trading game. Nick nick No. Michael michael You give a quick pitch. You make the sale. You move on. That's how Vikram does it. Nick nick Vikram doesn't have my people skills. Michael michael Good for Vikram, because he out-sells you every night. Nick nick Well, I hope this conversation has helped. Michael michael [reading to Jim, Pam, and Mose] And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand, and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor write in agony. "Harry?" It was over quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate in the garden, his heart racing. Dwight dwight What did you get tonight? Michael michael Oh it looks like mixed masala, eggplant, and rice. Vikram vikram Oh, that looks good. Michael michael Oh, and what about you? Peanut butter flavor again? Vikram vikram I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening. Michael michael Enjoy. Vikram vikram Thank you. Michael michael I was a surgeon back home. Vikram vikram Really? Michael michael Oh yeah. Vikram vikram Wonder what I would've been back home? Michael michael Well this is your home. Vikram vikram I know, but it's competitive here. What's a dollar worth in your land? Medical school must cost like 40 bucks or a donkey or something. Michael michael Uhh, no. Vikram vikram I would've been chief of surgery... Or a cowboy. Michael michael [Jim and Pam hear noise] Wait, you're going up there? Jim jim Yeah. Coward. Pam pam [Pam sees Mose in an outhouse] Oh my God. What century is this? Pam pam You know what, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard one, the original, John McClane was just this normal guy. You know, he's just a normal New York City cop, who gets his feet cut, and gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter. In air. You know? He's invincible. It just sort of lost what Die Hard was. It's not Terminator. Michael michael Dude, you should review movies. [other co-workers agree] Coworker #2 coworker I actually wrote a movie. Michael michael Really? Coworker #3 coworker I'm writing one, yeah. Michael michael What's it about? Coworker #3 coworker Um, sort of a spy, thriller... Michael michael What's so captivating? [everyone stops talking, go back to work] I like captivating things. And this must be really captivating because it's keeping you off the phones. I mean time is your money, that's how I know how captivating it is. Because how much time you spend talking. Nick nick [Pam and Jim hear Dwight crying] Ugh, your turn. Pam pam [Jim knocks on Dwight's door, crying stops] Come in. Did you have another nightmare? Dwight dwight Hey Dwight. Jim jim Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose. Dwight dwight Does Mose have nightmares? Jim jim Oh yes. Ever since the storm. Jim jim Is everything satisfactory with your stay? Dwight dwight Yeah, yeah. Jim jim Great. Dwight dwight Just thought that I heard crying, moaning, or something in here. Jim jim Oh. Well I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff. Dwight dwight Good night, Dwight. [Jim leaves, Dwight continues crying] Jim jim Yeah, so we're all gonna go out for a beer. Do you wanna come? Coworker #2 coworker We'd love for you to come, Michael. Coworker #3 coworker Thanks, no, I have work tomorrow morning. Michael michael All right, next time dude. Coworker #2 coworker Okay, see you guys. [Sees Jan] Hey, how you doin'? Michael michael You drive, I had too much wine. Jan jan Okay. How's yoga? Michael michael I didn't go. Jan jan Wh-Why not? Michael michael I just didn't! Jan jan Okay. Michael michael How was improv? Jan jan Good night Vikram. Michael michael Good night. Vikram vikram Hey, congrats on the bonus. Michael michael Thank you Michael. Vikram vikram I'm gonna have it one of these nights. Michael michael Well if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah. Vikram vikram Good night. Michael michael Good night. Vikram vikram Michael. Morning. Hey Dwight, how are you? Pam pam Pam. Dwight dwight You okay? Jim jim I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. [Ryan walks in] Dwight dwight Hey guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doin'? Ryan ryan Okay, Michael, why dont you start us off? Ryan ryan Um... that wasn't much of an introduction. Michael michael Ladies and gentlemen, your boss, Michael Scott. Ryan ryan Ahh, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay, um, today we're gonna be talking... about...PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! PowerPoint! Michael michael Yes I forgot about Ryan's presentation. And yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation he had given me. But you know what else would have been nice? Winning the lottery. Michael michael And the best way to start is to hit start. And up comes the toolbar, that's what she said. What we have to do here is go to Run, and then you look up to PowerPoint. And we are in. We are going to register. You hit register-- Updates are ready. I should update. Um, estimated time 12 minutes, so this should take 5 or 10 minutes. Michael michael Is this the first time you ever opened PowerPoint? Ryan ryan Why? Michael michael You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you? Ryan ryan No, I had a really rough night, and my boss can back you up on that. Michael michael I'm your boss. Ryan ryan My other boss, Mr. Figaro. Michael michael You have another job? Ryan ryan What I do between 5:30 pm and 1 am is no one's business but mine and my other business'. Michael michael Are you a cocktail waitress? Jim jim You can not have another job if it affects your work here. Ryan ryan It won't. Michael michael It did, all ready. Ryan ryan Okay, honestly, it was unlikely I was gonna figure this out anyways. [Kelly laughs] Michael michael You're so funny. Kelly kelly Why is Darryl here? He works in the warehouse. Ryan ryan I invited him. Kelly kelly It's not a party. Darryl, back downstairs, this isn't information you need. Ryan ryan There's information here? Yeah, you're right, I don't need this. Darryl darryl Okay. [makes out with Darryl] Kelly kelly Hey, get off. Darryl darryl Umm, see you later tonight. Kelly kelly I have plans later. Darryl darryl Okay, bye honey. Kelly kelly How long until you actually get this presentation ready? Ryan ryan Why don't you do the presentation, because you know how to do it? Michael michael You know what I really want? Honestly Michael, is for you to know it, so you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever. Ryan ryan Huh, okay. Michael michael What? Ryan ryan It's whoever, not whomever. Michael michael No, it's whomever. Ryan ryan No, whomever is never actually right. Michael michael No, sometimes its right. Jim jim Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students. Creed creed No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word. Andy andy Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly. Oscar oscar Not a native speaker. Michael michael I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say, because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night. Kevin kevin Do you really know which one is correct? Ryan ryan I don't know. Kevin kevin It's 'whom' when it's the object of a sentence, and 'who' when it's the subject. Pam pam Yeah, that sounds right. Phyllis phyllis Well it sounds right, but is it? Michael michael How did Ryan use it? As an object? Stanley stanley As an object. Ryan ryan Ryan used me an object. Kelly kelly Is he right about that? Stanley stanley How did he use it again? Pam pam It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object. Toby toby Thank you. Michael michael To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word. Toby toby No one, uh, asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull. Michael michael Wait! This doesn't matter. And I don't even care. Michael, you quit the other job, or you're fired here. Ryan ryan I've never done this before. I've never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history. Michael michael Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company-- Michael michael Lipophedrine Mr. Figaro mr-figaro And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael Never heard of it. Mr. Figaro mr-figaro In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can't do this. Michael michael Are you quitting? Mr. Figaro mr-figaro I am. Michael michael Come back anytime, don't forget to disinfect your headset. Mr. Figaro mr-figaro I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night. Michael michael So. Andy andy What's up? Pam pam Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body. Andy andy You're being gross. Pam pam Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves. Andy andy What moves? Pam pam I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times. Andy andy I can't believe that's not working. Pam pam Yeah. Andy andy Um, I don't know if I really see you two together. Pam pam Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain. Andy andy She's very religious. Pam pam Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses. Andy andy Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe. Pam pam Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall. Andy andy That's right, you did. Pam pam Yeah. Andy andy Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight... or Angela... or Andy. Pam pam Hey Kevin, you're a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses. Michael michael I do gamble Michael. Kevin kevin Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don't know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he's tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that? Michael michael The mob. Kevin kevin Do you know anybody in the mob? Michael michael [shakes head no] Kevin kevin Okay, um, Oscar, I'm going to need to take another advance on my salary. Michael michael What do you mean you have plans tonight? Kelly kelly I have my daughter tonight; we're renting Charlotte's Web. Darryl darryl Well, you have to make a choice, it's either your daughter, or me. Kelly kelly My daughter. Darryl darryl Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops. Kelly kelly That was cold. Darryl darryl [makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat] Kelly kelly He's always been terrible with money. Phyllis phyllis I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poor house. Stanley stanley Yeah, women be shoppin'. Kevin kevin I can't believe he has a second job. Meredith meredith He's not even good at his first one. Oscar oscar Hey guys. Michael michael Shh. Kevin kevin What'cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what's going on. You're talking about Jim and Pam, if they're having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think-- Michael michael Michael. Pam pam Hey, hey, hey. Michael michael Michael, are you having money problems? Oscar oscar Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems? Michael michael You heard me correctly. Oscar oscar Oh, I hate monkeys. Michael michael What's going on, why do you have a second job? Pam pam I don't have a second job. Maybe I'm having an affair with Suzanne Summers. Michael michael Doesn't Jan have money? Pam pam I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual. Michael michael True, it's best to hide our money problems from women. Kevin kevin I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems, I don't. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket] Michael michael You just put it back in your pocket. {Oscar} and {Stanley} oscar stanley Yeah, but I destroyed it, it's not even useable anymore. Michael michael Hey, let's call this what it is. Darryl darryl It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door. Darryl darryl Well, I just need to know where this is going. Kelly kelly Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what's not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing's run its course. Darryl darryl Don't you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I've ever met in my entire-- Kelly kelly Slow down, think it over. Darryl darryl Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that? Kelly kelly Hey cuz, heard you're having money problems. Creed creed No you didn't. Michael michael Listen, I've got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed creed Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Creed creed How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose. Michael michael You don't go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up "get out of jail free" cards, those things cost thousands. Creed creed That is a good point. Michael michael Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start, it's a clean slate. Creed creed Like the witness protection program. Michael michael Exactly. Creed creed Not at all. Oscar oscar I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I'm a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That's the life. Michael michael I... DECLARE... BANKRUPTCY! Michael michael Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen. Oscar oscar I didn't say it, I declared it. Michael michael Still, that's not anything. Oscar oscar This is a lot of credit card debt. Oscar oscar Yeah, tell me about it. Michael michael Mmm. Oscar oscar You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she's using them as if I'm made of money, she thinks I'm a human ATM machine. Michael michael Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon. Oscar oscar Oh, that's the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic. Michael michael Twelve hundred dollars. What's a Core Blaster Extreme? Oscar oscar That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabilizer ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got a core. Michael michael I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game. Andy andy Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house. Oscar oscar Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top. Michael michael The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that. Oscar oscar Right. Michael michael This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment. Oscar oscar How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point? Michael michael Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela. Pam pam Michael, I'm going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy. Oscar oscar No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this. Michael michael She has to know. Oscar oscar We will find another way, we'll ask power-point. Michael michael Michael, this is a presentation tool. Oscar oscar You're a presentation tool if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this. Michael michael I'm done! Oscar oscar No you're not! Ok, just... you're not a tool. Look, we'll tell her that it's bad, but it could've been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half. Michael michael Jan is smart. Oscar oscar She poses. Michael michael Dwight, how's the hotel business? Jim jim Stupid. Dwight dwight Have you checked Trip Advisor recently? Jim jim No. Dwight dwight Maybe you should. Jim jim Maybe you should. Whatever. Dwight dwight We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times. Pam pam The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings. Jim jim Table making never seemed so possible. Pam pam You will never want to leave your room. Jim jim The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm. Pam pam I'm glad you enjoyed your stay. Dwight dwight We really did. It was fun. Pam pam So due to Michael's clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt. Oscar oscar [on phone] You're broke? Jan jan Um, that's, how did you get that from what Oscar's saying? Michael michael [on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don't, I don't get this. I really don't. I don't know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don't know what more to say. Jan jan Jan. Oscar oscar [on phone] Yeah, what? Jan jan Michael left. Oscar oscar [on phone] Okay, where did he go? Jan jan I don't know. Oscar oscar [on phone] Well, is he coming right back? Jan jan I don't think so. Oscar oscar [on phone] I'll be right there. Jan jan What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. Michael michael [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood. Angela angela Dwight. Pam pam Uhh-mmm [moaning] Dwight dwight Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Jim jim [incoherent mumbling] No you didn't. Dwight dwight Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Jim jim Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling] Dwight dwight Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you. Jim jim [sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away] Dwight dwight Hey, I was thinking about dinner-- [Jim grabs her face and kisses her] Pam pam Ah, dinner. Let's see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim Jim's just really passionate about Italian food. Pam pam Yep, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I'm in love with Italian food. Jim jim Jan, he went running that way. Oscar oscar Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar] Jan jan [singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I'm never coming back. Michael michael Michael. Jan jan Hey Jan. Michael michael What's going on? Jan jan Not much, what's up with you? Michael michael Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going? Jan jan I'm out of answers Jan. Michael michael What does that mean? Jan jan I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you. Michael michael Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won't solve anything. You know that. Jan jan I don't know that. Michael michael Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically. Jan jan I'll stay off the grid. Michael michael Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It's not that bad. Jan jan Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up. Michael michael Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn't have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won't even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen. Jan jan That's really nice of you to say. Michael michael Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That's just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I'm going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where's this train taking us? Jan jan I think the engineer left. Michael michael [takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim's, knocking Jim's files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now. Dwight dwight Don't sell your implants please. Michael michael I'm keeping them. I know you like them. They're kind of uncomfortable though. Jan jan That's nice though. Michael michael It's kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now. Jan jan It looks cute though. Michael michael I used to get offers in the mail for credit cards all the time. They would say things like "don't pay for six months" or "you can transfer your account from another card"... Michael michael No, [mumbling] I don't know. Dwight dwight Do you think I'll get any new ones? I could... [pause, eventually looks up at Dwight] Michael michael What? Dwight dwight What do you mean, "what"? Michael michael What... [mumbling] Dwight dwight Were you listening to what I was saying? Michael michael I was aware that you were speaking. Dwight dwight What is the matter with you? Michael michael What is the matter with... me? Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I'm... discombobulated. Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I need help. Dwight dwight All right, well, go find some. Get outa here, please. [Dwight sighs and leaves] Michael michael Okay, you need to focus, Michael. You need to stop spending money. Oscar oscar Yeah. What? Michael michael I hate to ask you this, but are there any retirement funds you can borrow from? Oscar oscar Um, my CDs. Michael michael You have CDs? Oscar oscar I do. Michael michael Okay, good, okay. What bank? Oscar oscar My CDs are in a portfolio, a rather large portfolio, um, called Case Logic Michael michael [whispers] Case Logic. Oscar oscar And, um the Case Logic portfolio is currently in the back seat of my car. There is another smaller Case Logic portfolio clipped to my visor [Oscar vigorously shakes his head] What? Michael michael I'm asking about Certificates of Deposit. Oscar oscar I've been putting money into CDs for years. I bought music that I didn't even like. No. [shakes head] Michael michael I just think that... Jan jan I can't. Michael michael Why? Jan jan I can't go back to that. Michael michael I think you can. I... what? Jan jan I don't know if I can do that. I can't see myself spending the next six years digging myself out of that kind of hole. Michael michael All right, well then maybe there's another way, you know? I mean, we could just... we'll think of something else. Jan jan We will? I can't. I don't have an idea in my head. Michael michael Well... well, we will. Jan jan I have... Michael michael We just will. Jan jan Okay. What? Um... Michael michael I have some ideas. Jan jan Tell me. Michael michael [laughs] I am not going to tell you yet. Jan jan Well, please? I won't tell anybody. Michael michael Oh, yes, you will. Jan jan Yeah, I will. Michael michael Gentlemen, a word. Look, you guys are my closest friends in this office. Andy andy Right back at ya. Jim jim And as such, I come to you... Andy andy State your business! Dwight dwight I am dying of lovesickness and horny-sickness. Andy andy That is impossible. Unless you mean gonorrhea. Dwight dwight I'm talking about Angela, okay? Did you hear what she was saying to Pam the other day? Andy andy Yes, I did, 'cept I don't think she means it. Angela is in a great deal of pain because of the death of her cat, and she's in a kind of a grieving process, and it makes her say things. So... best to just lay off. Dwight dwight No can do. I am itching all over with Angela-pox. Andy andy Oh my God, you do have gonorrhea. Jim jim Hey, Andy! Maybe this is one of those situations where you just have to do her to get her out of your system. Phyllis phyllis Stay out of this, you! Dwight dwight Hey, fellas! And... lady. Andy andy I still do not have your reimbursement check. Kevin kevin That's not why I came over. I mean it's a week late, but... I just came over to say hi. Andy andy Hi. Oscar oscar [waves] Hi. Kevin kevin Angela, you like lacrosse? Andy andy Lacrosse, the sport? Angela angela Scranton U. Varsity's gonna scrimmage the J.V. squad. Should be pretty interesting. J.V. gets really amped. Andy andy Well, I guess it's a big opportunity for them. Angela angela Yeah. Andy andy Yeah. Angela angela You wanna go? Andy andy No. Angela angela Because we could get some food... Andy andy No. Angela angela Afterwards at the... Andy andy Andy, no. [Andy nods and starts backing away, Kevin giggles] Angela angela Still waiting on that check. Andy andy Pam! You don't think he'll mind if we take the shampoo, do you? [holds up large bottle] Jim jim Mmm. Mmm-mmm. [shakes head 'no'] Pam pam Okay. Jim jim [Mose serves bacon] Thank you, Mose. Pam pam [clears throat] Everybody poops. Mose mose Yes, they do. Jim jim There's no other... way to get rid of the food. Mose mose Where's Dwight? Jim jim Gone. Mose mose Where'd he go? Pam pam His day place. Mose mose The office. Jim jim What office? Mose mose Hmm. Jim jim Mose, Angela hasn't been around here much lately, has she? Pam pam Angela? Mose mose Angela - she used to stay here sometimes? Pam pam Angela [leaves]. Mose mose [on trampoline] Cannonball! Lemon bomb! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Jim, Pam, watch! Mose mose Okay, we're watching, Mose! Pam pam Okay, go Yankees! I'm a war hero! Mose mose You're doin' great, buddy! Jim jim Name's Mose, buddy! Dwight, can I stop? They're not even looking. Mose mose Yeah, go ahead and stop. You guys, you should really be looking, he's working his ass off over here. Dwight dwight I'm sorry, did we or did we not pay for a show? Jim jim Okay, go ahead, they're right. Dwight dwight Large spins! Mose mose [not watching Mose] More spins. Jim jim Arr, dammit! [throws saw at table he was working on] Dwight dwight Helicopter! Mose mose