Ok, well I did not get the job in New York, but I got the real prize, domestic bliss. Jan made me breakfast this morning... well she bought the milk. It's soy. [walks into bedroom, Jan sleeping on bed] This is why I do it, that's what I have to come home to. [sighs] She probably won't be up for a few hours. Michael michael This is going to be a very good year. Very good. Jan is at home. Jim is back. My protege Ryan is at corporate. Good stuff. Um... Andy and Dwight are rockin' the sales team. I feel very blessed. [slams on breaks, camera turns, Meredith rolls off the hood] Michael michael You know generally it's not a good idea to click on offers that you haven't requested. What was the exact offer? IT Tech Guy it-tech-guy It was for a video. Pam pam Yeah, what kind of video? IT Tech Guy it-tech-guy A celebrity sex tape. Pam pam Really, what kind of celebrity? Jim jim Not relevant. Pam pam How much did you pay for it? Jim jim Not relevant. Pam pam You paid for it? Jim jim It all happened so fast. Pam pam I broke up with Karen after the job interview, and uh... it was a little awkward when she came back from the city. She told me, very clearly, just because we were broken up didn't mean she was going anywhere, because she worked really hard for her career. But the next day her desk was empty, and as for me and my current romantic life, I uh... I'm single now and looking, so if you know anybody. Jim jim Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again. Pam pam Are you kidding me, Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile; they're just keeping it a secret. Right? [looks at Oscar] Kevin kevin I don't know, there is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. It could be other things. Oscar oscar Are you kidding me? Kevin kevin And Sunday I'm thinking of going to that flea-market at the drive-in. Pam pam Oh that sounds fun. I'm mountain biking on Sunday. On Montage Mountain. Jim jim Cool. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Well have fun with that. Pam pam Ladies and Gentlemen. I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. Michael michael What? Jim jim Where? Dwight dwight It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could... And she is going to be OK. Michael michael What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that? Stanley stanley So she's really going to be fine? Oscar oscar Yes. She has a slight pelvical fracture, but, ah... people have survived far worse. Michael michael Thank God you were there. Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael Did you see who did it? Andy andy No need we can just check the security tapes. Dwight dwight Gah. Kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her. Michael michael Who was driving? Jim jim Oh, Michael. Pam pam One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then. Jim jim It's only Meredith. Dwight dwight Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something. Michael michael Hey... Why did you do it? Dwight dwight It was an accident. Michael michael Was she talkin' back? Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Did you get sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh. Is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances? Dwight dwight Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch. And we're kicking in $5 for flowers. Pam pam Who's we, you and Jim? Kevin kevin No, uh, me Stanley and Phyllis so far. Pam pam Oh, I bet Jim goes too. Kevin kevin Yeah, I haven't asked him yet. Pam pam Oh, I bet you ask? Kevin kevin I was planning on it. Pam pam I bet you were. Kevin kevin Angela? Pam pam [whispers to Kevin] Subtle. Oscar oscar What Kevin kevin [to Angela] Are you coming? Pam pam I can't, Sprinkles is sick. Angela angela She's been sick for some time. Thank you for asking, no one asks... about Sprinkles. Angela angela I have to give her her meds, I have to pet her, and who will she eat lunch with? Angela angela Can't your other cats keep her company. Pam pam There's bad blood, jealousies, cliques. Angela angela Angela, you're the chairman of the party planning committee. I shouldn't even be planning this, it's your job. Pam pam [sighs] All right! Angela angela My lord my liege. Michael michael Yes Michael? Ryan ryan So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish? Michael michael So I need a little treat for the gang. Something to win their affections back. Michael michael Back? Why is that Michael? Ryan ryan Well, I ran down Meredith in my car. Michael michael Oh! Did you do this on purpose? Ryan ryan No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital, she's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in... Michael michael Did this happen on company property? Ryan ryan Yes. It was on company property, with company property, so... double jeopardy, we are fine. Michael michael I don't think you understand how jeopardy works. Ryan ryan Oh, right, I'm sorry. What is: we are fine? Michael michael [sigh] Ryan ryan People keep calling me a "Wunderkind"; I don't even know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, it means very successful for your age, so I guess it makes sense, but... it's a weird word. Ryan ryan Hey D. Angela angela Hey monkey, what's up? Dwight dwight Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine. Angela angela Sure. Dwight dwight I have to visit the alchy. Angela angela Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what; I bet she cracked it at home. Jumped in front of the car to get some workers comp. Dwight dwight I wouldn't put it past her. Angela angela So what do you need me to do? Dwight dwight I wrote it out. Angela angela Mm-hmm. Dwight dwight There's a diabetes shot, roll the insulin in your hand, don't shake it. She gets an ace inhibitor with her meal, but you have to put her right in front of the dish or she won't see it because of the cataracts. Mix one capsule of omega fatty acid in with her kidney medicine, um... and you want to give that to her 15 minutes after she's eaten. And, oh and there's a fungal cream because she has this infection under her tail, so you're gonna have to lift her tail and put the cream right at the base of her tail. Angela angela Ok, I have an announcement. Michael michael You pushed Darryl out the window? Oscar oscar No. Michael michael You shot Dwight? Phyllis phyllis No! That is not funny, I love my employees, even thought I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off of this unavoidable tragedy, and onto more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree. Michael michael Oh good, so we don't have to work. Jim jim OK, we're leaving for the hospital at 1. Pam pam So, like a freedom tree. Michael michael I can take 3 people. Pam pam I can also take 3 people. Jim jim [to Kevin] Separate cars. Oscar oscar Pam. Michael michael Alright, I will get a card at the hospital and we'll sign it outside her room. Pam pam Pam. Michael michael Sales people can go later in the day. Hourly works can go at lunch. Pam pam Ok, good good, so we'll just all go down there together at lunch. Michael michael I... Pam pam Excellent! Michael michael I was thinking that we... Pam pam Good work Pam. Michael michael But... Pam pam Yaaaaaay, Pam! Alright, since I am the boss I will drive as well. Who wants shotgun? Michael michael You can't be serious. You ran a woman over this morning. Stanley stanley Everyone inside the car was fine, Stanley! Michael michael Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make. Michael michael Eww. I hate hospitals. In my mind they are associated with sickness. Oh... She looks like an angel. Michael michael She looks awful. Kelly kelly No... OK, she always looks like that... That is not my fault. Michael michael I think she's awake. Jim jim No... She's in a coma. Michael michael No. Nurse nurse OK... Meredith, [hauntingly] Ooooohhhhh. I brought all your friends from the office dear. Michael michael At the same time. Meredith meredith Yeah. Michael michael Hello Meredith. Stanley stanley This is weird. Meredith meredith Brought you some balloons. Why don't we... here you go. [wraps them around her IV] Tie these up, cheer up your tubes... [IV pops out] Oh! Shhhh... For God's sake! Michael michael Whoa! Kevin kevin Nurse. Michael michael No don't bother the nurse, just put it back in. Meredith meredith [groaning] I am going to be sick... I'm gonna puke. Michael michael I wouldn't... I wouldn't worry about it. Don't touch it. Jim jim What, what are you doing? Just gimme that. Nurse nurse Thanks. Meredith meredith [applauds] Kevin kevin Does it hurt terribly? Phyllis phyllis No, it's not too bad. They have me on a lot of painkillers. Meredith meredith Oh really, what kind? Codeine, Vicodin, Percocet, Fentanyl, Oxycontin, Palladone? What... Creed creed I have no idea. Meredith meredith Oh. [laughs] Creed creed Well it was really great of all of you to come and visit me at the same time. I'll see you guys at the office. Meredith meredith Oh, OK... Wait up, wait up, guys guys guys, hold on a second. You know what I was thinking might be sort of fun? Is if you forgave me in front of everybody. Michael michael Michael, I'm not gonna do that. Meredith meredith Cause you know what they say in the Bible about forgiveness? Forgiveness is next to Godliness. Michael michael No, that's not. That's next to cleanliness. Angela angela Well, just shhhh... just just... Michael michael You cracked my pelvis Meredith meredith Look, I just... I don't understand what is preventing you from laughing this off and giving me a big hug. Michael michael You're not forgiven. Meredith meredith Come on. [starts to climb onto the bed with meredith. Michael michael Michael! Michael! Pam pam [screams] Meredith meredith Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised. Michael michael Hey. Angela angela Hey monkey. Dwight dwight Any problems? Angela angela Well you left the TV on, and your cat is dead. Dwight dwight What!? Angela angela Sparkles, the white one, is dead. Dwight dwight Sprinkles. Angela angela That was the sick one, right? Dwight dwight Uh-huh. But I thought she had more time. Angela angela No. Dwight dwight Did she look... When you saw her how was she looking? Angela angela Really dead. Like a... just a dead cat. Dwight dwight [sobbing] Angela angela So... Hey come on, don't be sad, just... OK... just. She's in a better place. Dwight dwight Alright. Angela angela Actually the place that she's in is the freezer, because of the odor. Dwight dwight [still sobbing] Angela angela [to Angela] It's gonna be OK. Pam pam OK, you know what? Everybody, let's just get over the whole Meredith thing. She cracked her pelvis, a tiny little crack. She going to be fine, so let's just... Michael michael Michael, Angela's cat died. Pam pam Sprinkles? Michael michael [nods] Angela angela [sighs] Oh, sh... I'm sorry Angela. Man what a day huh? How could it get any worse? Her computer crashes with the porn, and then Meredith with the accident, and then... Sprinkles! God, that's 3 things. I'll tell you what's going on. This office is cursed, and we need to do something about it. Michael michael Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but... I'm... I am a little-stitious. Michael michael Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground? Michael michael Like what? Oscar oscar Like park on it. Or dig up a body... Toby? Anything you want to tell us? Michael michael No, I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact I had some good luck recently, Alfredo's Pizza, picked my business card out of the basket, so... uh, I got a week of free pies. Toby toby That's cool. Pam pam Yeah. Toby toby Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan. Michael michael Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God in your infinite wisdom how could you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish. Angela angela She's only a cat. Dwight dwight You never... you don't like them. Angela angela Cats do not provide milk or wool or meat. Dwight dwight Dwight please! Oscar oscar Dwight, you haven't seen Meredith yet, have you? Michael michael No, I have not. Dwight dwight Well, I think you should go to the hospital, and pay your respects. Michael michael I do not respect her, but I will go. Dwight dwight Alright, I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs. Michael michael Oh, Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs... Toby toby Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite. Michael michael Alright, well then you can ask about religious beliefs. Toby toby Thank you for the permission. Psych! Alright let's just go around the room, and tell me what you believe in. Michael michael I'm... um, Catholic. Stanley stanley OK. Michael michael Presbyterian. Darryl darryl Alright. Michael michael Oh me too. Pam pam Oh? Darryl darryl [puts hand up for high five] Same religion. Pam pam Alright! [high fives Pam] Darryl darryl I'm a Lutheran and Bob's a Unitarian. It keeps things spicy. Phyllis phyllis That's why we're cursed. Angela angela I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. Creed creed Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha. Michael michael That's Buddhist. Kelly kelly Are you sure? Michael michael No. Kelly kelly What are you? Michael michael Well if you're going to reduce my identity to my religion then I'm Sikh, but I also like Hip-hop and NPR, and I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time. IT Tech Guy it-tech-guy OK, 1 Sikh, and... Michael michael As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick, sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for 2 days. You tell me what's unethical. Dwight dwight Blink once if you want me to pull the plug. Dwight dwight Don't pull any plugs. Meredith meredith How are you doing Ms. Palmer? Intern intern Better. Meredith meredith Excellent. Intern intern Are you a doctor, or a male nurse? Dwight dwight Um... I'm an intern, which makes me a doctor, but... Intern intern Pfft... Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy but she did, or at least she got time off for one. Dwight dwight Ah, so uh... so that is where her uterus went... Um, Ms. Palmer, your last tetanus shot was when you were bitten by a bat a few months ago? Intern intern Yes. Dwight here, trapped it in a bag against my head. Meredith meredith Just doing my job. Dwight dwight It also says you were recently bitten by a raccoon? Intern intern And a rat. Separate occasions. Meredith meredith You spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, and then you run over one person with your car. [sighs] And it's not even one of the popular ones, and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense... God is dead. Michael michael If there was a God then Ryan and I would be married by now. Kelly kelly Maybe believing in God was the mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun? Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we could make a sacrifice too. Like a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret with the head of a meerkat. Or just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with, ah... the body of a porcupine. Michael michael I will do some research. Jim jim I can help you with that. Pam pam So, just to be safe they are giving her the rabies vaccine. Dwight dwight Oh God, Rabies? Michael michael Mm-hmm. Dwight dwight I was in the hospital room with her. How contagious is that, is that like an STD? Michael michael No, no. You've gotta be bitten by something. Dwight dwight This place is so cursed. Michael michael Actually the doctor said it was lucky she came in to the hospital, cause the only way to beat rabies, is to start treatment before the symptoms set in... Lock jaw. Dwight dwight [walks out into the office] I know a lot of you are upset with me for endangering Meredith's life by hitting her, with my car. But it may make you feel a little better to know that before that happened, Dwight endangered her life, by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it. Michael michael Six of one, really. Jim jim Turns out Meredith has been exposed to rabies. Which is like 10 times worse than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me she went to the hospital and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken people! [Kevin claps] Oh... there is a God, and he has a plan for us after all. So go home get some rest, very very good work today. We got a lot accomplished. Michael michael Is there a God? If not, what are all the churches for? And who is Jesus' dad? Michael michael [Pam walks out of the office into the parking lot alone. Kevin pops up from the back seat of his car as if spying] Oh well, if they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB&J. Pam Beasley and Jim. What a waste. What - A - Waste! Kevin kevin [Pam's car pulls out of parking lot and then off to the side of the road] I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it too is a camera crew, or my co-workers. [Jim gets into the passenger side] Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. [Jim leans over and kisses Pam] Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know. Pam pam Michael Scott's Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam. Pam pam Pro-Am. Michael michael Pro-Am race for the... They hung up. Pam pam A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I'm hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies. To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that. Michael michael [on the phone] No, rabies... Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime? Stanley stanley Hi Stanley, how many sponsors so far? Michael michael Zero. Stanley stanley Come on man, gotta step it up! It's for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged $500.00. Michael michael Isn't that your money? Andy andy That... is for a good cause. Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming? Michael michael Oh, it's coming. Phyllis phyllis Oh, look at that, 3. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis. Michael michael Michael? Kevin kevin Yes. Michael michael You cannot make me run. Kevin kevin OK. [walks away] Michael michael It is not a real charity. It's stupid Michael, and I'm not gonna do it. Kevin kevin Alright, alright. Michael michael You didn't run for me... Kevin kevin Shhh... Michael michael ...when I thought I had skin cancer. Kevin kevin I know that you're probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts. Michael michael No. Kevin kevin OK, well back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food, person of respect. Like the regional manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields... And I was a peasant. Michael michael I just don't want to run. I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes. Kevin kevin Well, you're going to have to run, or you're going to be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore. Michael michael [in bathroom] I'm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So... I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple] Andy andy Hey Angela. Hey, um... I'm sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry] Andy andy This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town. Angela angela Pssst. I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice. Angela angela What's wrong? Pam pam I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat. Angela angela Hmm... Pam pam When I got home, Sprinkles' body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her, but all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds. Angela angela Ah. Pam pam Something's not right. The vet's doing an autopsy. Angela angela Angela, I'm sorry. Pam pam Did Roy ever kill one of your cats? Angela angela I'm more of a dog person. Pam pam [sighs] Angela angela So what's your strategy for this race? Jim jim Well I'm gonna start fast. Pam pam Mm-hmm. Jim jim Then I'm gonna run fast in the middle. Pam pam What? Jim jim Then I'm gonna end fast. Pam pam Why won't more people do that? [laughs] Jim jim Cause they're just stupid. Pam pam [looks at camera] What? Jim jim [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Oh, ah... No that's not... I mean that wasn't, ah... Jim jim Yeah... That was um... Pam pam I mean I can see how it would seem a bit like we uh... How it looks like um... I mean now a days you can edit anything, right? I mean you can edit anything to look like um... anything. Jim jim Yeah, I gave him a ride home because... Pam pam Right! Jim jim ... We're dating. Pam pam Wow! There it is. Jim jim Ah, yeah. We haven't told anybody, but it's going really great. [looks at Jim] Right? Pam pam It is going really great. Jim jim [Angela runs into Dwight] Oww! Dwight dwight Shut up. Angela angela You're taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger. Dwight dwight Oh, really? Angela angela [sighs] You'll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression. Dwight dwight [pushes her chair into Dwight's legs] I'm not depressed I'm in grief. Angela angela We have raised, almost $700.00, most of it from me and Jan. Um... when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later? Michael michael Well a giant check costs about $200.00 to make up. I have a print shop standing by but... What do you think Michael, that's over 25% of our funds? Pam pam Hmm... That's a tough decision. Um... I always imagined it with a giant check. So... Michael michael Yeah, I mean I personally am definitely on board for the giant check. Jim jim Giant check it is. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Yep. Michael michael Well I don't know, on the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control. Dwight dwight Bat birth control Jim jim Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right Michael, that's what you told me when I contributed. Dwight dwight You didn't contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how's that been going? Michael michael Not well. A doctor won't come out to collect a check for $700.00, or $500.00 if we go with the giant check. Pam pam Which we are. Jim jim And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. Pam pam What about a rabies nurse? Michael michael I don't think so. Pam pam You know what though, I've actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour, for parties and bachelor events. Jim jim That's possible. Look into that. Michael michael Great, it's gonna cost a couple a hundred buck and ah... oh actually more with tips. Jim jim Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and setup a college fund for Meredith's son. Dwight dwight Have you met that kid? He's not going to college. Michael michael Michael, 5k means 5 kilometers, not 5 thousand miles. [knocks] Pam pam Come in. Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Hey, hey, hey Michael michael Oh my God. Pam pam What are you doing? Michael michael You said come in! Pam pam No I didn't, just please don't... Michael michael Oh my God. Pam pam So I closed the door but the image of his... Pam pam Baquette. Jim jim ... dangling participle... Pam pam Eww. Jim jim ... still burned in my eyes. Pam pam I can imagine. Jim jim [Michael knocks slowly on door] Come in. Pam pam May I enter the room? Michael michael Yes. Or come in. Pam pam See how I did that. That's the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear. Michael michael You couldn't have taken off all your clothes in the men's room? Jim jim Yes, but I have an office, so why would I do that. Michael michael On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark. Pam pam European offices are naked all the time. Michael michael They're so not. Pam pam Besides my shirt tail covered most of it so... Michael michael I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended. Pam pam [sighs] Gross. Jim jim That's not gross, it is the human body. What is your problem? Pam you're an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. OK, you know what, I don't want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today, it's not fair to people with rabies. And that's the point, right? OK, let's go have some fun. Michael michael Alright. Jim jim They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat. Pam pam [naked from chest up] Oh, I'm sorry, is this a working office, and not a French beach? Jim jim OK, name please. Jan jan Creed Bratton, 75 plus division. Creed creed You're over 75 years old? Jan jan 82 November first. How much is the prize money? Creed creed There's no prize money. Jan jan What, is any of this real? Creed creed Check that out. [points to Toby] Look at me, I'm Toby, I'm stretching, I know what I'm doing. Why is he even here? Michael michael So I heard that you were peeping on Michael. Jan jan What? Look, no it was not... Pam pam I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine, OK? So hands off. Jan jan OK everybody, listen up. Thank you for coming. Before we get started I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: 3 Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: 4 Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three... too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming barking killer. And it is something... Darryl what are you doing. Michael michael [feeding a squirrel] I'm giving him a peanut. Darryl darryl No, don't give him... just, did you hear anything I said? Michael michael Look how happy he is. Darryl darryl He's happy because he's insane. You know what, that's the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where's the nurse? [Elizabeth walks up in nurse's outfit] This is the reason we're here. Michael michael Hello Michael. Elizabeth elizabeth Oh hey, I know you... Elizabeth? Michael michael Yeah. Elizabeth elizabeth Right? Wow, very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for $340.00 made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands. Michael michael Great. [everyone claps] Elizabeth elizabeth You got it? Michael michael Mm-hmm. Dwight dwight OK, fettuccine alfredo, time to carbo-load. Michael michael Just remember folks, it's not about winning, it is about finishing. Michael michael On your marks, get set... Dwight dwight [pulls Toby's pants down] Beow! Michael michael Hey! [extremely loud gunshot] Toby toby On your left! Michael michael You're doing great Michael, look at you go! Oscar oscar That's my boss! Yeah-ha baby! Creed creed I am fast! I'm very fast! I'm like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab] Michael michael Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause. Stanley stanley I've walked 2 marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [running right behind Kevin] Andy andy Yeah. [laughs] Oh we're in last place. Pam pam Oh, would you look at that. Jim jim Darn it. Pam pam Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Water babe? Jan jan No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water... solidarity! Michael michael Michael that's irrational. Jan jan Rabies victims... have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So... least I could do. Michael michael Oh God! My nipples, it's starting. Andy andy [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sitting at a table] Can we get another round? Creed creed OK. Waitress waitress Thanks. Creed creed So we've got what, another 20 minutes? Stanley stanley More or less. Oscar oscar Hmmm... Stanley stanley That fettuccine is sitting in my stomach like a rock. Michael michael You've got nothing to worry about, I put Imodium in Toby's coffee before the race. Dwight dwight [laughs] Excellent! ...Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax? Michael michael I'm makin' great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this, but not today. Toby toby Ooo! An estate sale. Wanna go in? Jim jim I don't know I'm really committed to winning. Pam pam OK, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured. Jim jim Mmm... Yes. Pam pam That's what I thought. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Right. Let's do some good. Jim jim [Ryan looks at the phone as it rings... [Pam's voice] [You have reached the offices of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton, currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC rabies awareness Pro-Am fun run race... [Michael's voice] for the cure... [Pam's voice] leave a message" Ryan hangs up] Ryan ryan [Burp] Oh God, Oh, alfredo sauce. I'm getting a stitch. [groans] Michael michael [runs into the back of Kevin] Ah, God watch the nipples, Kevin. Andy andy Back off me. Kevin kevin How ya feeling, better? Dwight dwight No. Angela angela Well you look cute as a button. You've worked up quite a sweat. Dwight dwight The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab. Angela angela I am a farmer Angela. Dwight dwight What does that mean? Angela angela OK, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do. Dwight dwight You did kill her!? Angela angela I... I sang her, her favorite songs. Dwight dwight You put her in my freezer. Angela angela It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep. Dwight dwight Well then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out. Angela angela Well I'm not responsible for that! Dwight dwight You! [hits Dwight] Angela angela Hey, Oww! [looks around to onlookers] It's OK. Dwight dwight It's OK. Angela angela It's nothing, I'm robbing her. Dwight dwight It's nothing. Angela angela It's fine. What? Dwight dwight How could you do that without telling me? Angela angela I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how. Dwight dwight Cat Heaven is a beautiful place, but you don't get there if you're euthanized. Angela angela I know a great taxidermist. I'll pay to have her stuffed. Well he's not great, but he's pretty good. Dwight dwight You don't understand. Angela angela [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don't get bit. Michael michael Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela? Dwight dwight Don't touch me Dwight! [runs off crying] Angela angela [holding lamp] You like it? It's kinda designy and cool, it was $8.00. Pam pam Oh, and I get to carry it. Jim jim [crosses finish line] And the winner is Toby Flenderson. Toby toby Have a seat, I'll write it down. Kelly kelly Where are we? Toby toby I dunno, like 5 kilometers from the office. Kelly kelly He couldn't have made it a circle? Toby toby [bent over] I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies, rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [Creed,Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line] Michael michael ...talk about it. Jim jim Yeah probably. Hey, Michael? Pam pam What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or... Jim jim I can't finish. I feel so weak, I just... Michael michael Well, you're probably dehydrated. Jim jim What do you want me to do Jim? Michael michael Glass of water would be a start. Jim jim No, There are people all over the world, who have all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They're deformed, and they're abnormal, and... they're illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust. I can't do anything about it, I can't... you know. There's just one of me, and there's a thousand of them. And rabies wins. Michael michael Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day. Jim jim I'm still having a nice day. Pam pam You are? Jim jim Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. $8.00. Pam pam That's a good deal. Michael michael And Michael, you don't have rabies. And chances are you're not going to get it anytime soon. So... you don't really have to think about it too much. Pam pam Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done. Michael michael Yeah, but there's other, better people out there who are helping. Pam pam You just don't think I am capable, of making a difference. Michael michael I know you Michael, I saw you naked. Pam pam You don't, you don't know me. You've just seen my penis. I can make a difference, remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her to finish this... GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no! Michael michael Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart, and while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I'm very, very proud of that. Michael michael Hey Michael. Meredith meredith Hey Mer. How ya doing? Michael michael Better. Meredith meredith It's ironic isn't it? I mean I'm in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you're in it for a disease that causes the fear of water. Michael michael I'm in because you hit me with your car. But I wanted to say, I heard you were trying really hard, so I'm not mad at you anymore. Meredith meredith Thanks, I'm not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes sucker out of his mouth] Wanna share? Michael michael Sure. Meredith meredith I'm not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Nah, I'm good. Michael michael Did you ever think of this? Would a sober person walk in front of a car? Michael michael Ay-o! Andy andy I'm sorry, are you saying that Meredith was drunk at 9 AM? Jim jim Well... Michael michael That's despicable. Phyllis phyllis Michael. Pam pam That's not cool. Someone someone There's no proof of that. Oscar oscar That's not... Michael michael That seems early, even for her. Kevin kevin That's not what...no, no, I'm not saying that, that's disgusting. Michael michael Drunk? No! You can't get drunk off Kahlua. It's just a kind of coffee. Meredith meredith Then... what are you saying? Andy andy I am saying... that... maybe I was drunk. Did you ever think of that? Michael michael Definitely not. Jim jim That'd be DUI. Kevin kevin That's... Phyllis phyllis Okay. Michael michael Maybe she hit me. You ever think of that? She hit me? I don't know whose fault it was. I wasn't exactly looking at the road. Michael michael Hey, Toby. [walks past him to Kelly's cubicle] Pam pam Hey. Toby toby Kelly, we're going to visit Meredith at lunch. [Kelly's lying down on floor, head unseen under desk. She rolls to her side, away from Pam] Kelly? Pam pam Well, Kelly's been so upset about Ryan dumping her, that she can't even talk. [grins] Toby toby [from under desk] I don't want to talk to anybody about Ryan! Please, go away! Kelly kelly They don't have this kind of technology at the vet's. It's not far. Angela angela It's fair. Oscar oscar You know what, why don't go around the room and say one memory of Meredith. I'll start. I liked her jumpers. They reminded me of Kindergarten. Jim? Michael michael I'll always remember Meredith's back. That's all I can see from my desk. All that red hair, over a nice strong back. Sometimes I pretend it's Carrot Top, and he's going to turn around and tell a joke. Kevin kevin So, how's the view old girl? [looking out windows] Oh! There's a cemetery. You think that's affiliated with the hospital, or is it a like a separate feature... Andy andy Hey! Okay, okay, okay, You can just close that. Michael michael Bye, Meredith. Here you go. We got you some balloons. Angela angela See you guys. [chorus of goodbyes, all but Michael file out as he's talking, Creed takes Meredith's pills] Meredith meredith Let's just... Why can't you just forgive... Why, why are you having such a hard time laughing this off? How do you know that you weren't born with some sort of abnormal pelvis that it was just bound to crack at some point? Michael michael Oh please, Michael. Meredith meredith I'm not going to leave until you forgive me. Michael michael You're gonna be here a long time. Meredith meredith [standing for a while, sighs, turns to walk out] Oh, okay. Michael michael Nurse! I just need some water. And my pills. Thank you. Meredith meredith There you go. Nurse nurse There's nothing in here. Meredith meredith This office is cursed. [sighs] And we need to do something about it. Michael michael Conference room? Jim jim Maybe the conference room, maybe the annex. I'm just saying, at least right here [indicates floor in front of his office] is cursed. Conference room, 10 minutes. Michael michael On the one hand, it's a relief to know that it's not just me, the whole office is cursed. On the other hand, I may have to deal with the dark unknown. Michael michael Question: Has anyone recently offended a Gypsy? Dwight dwight We have to have done something wrong. Michael michael You ran over an employee. Stanley stanley That was the curse, Stanley, and we are trying to find the cause of the curse. Michael michael Mmm. [nods] Dwight dwight Oscar, are you Santaria? Michael michael I was raised Catholic, but I'm agnostic now, so I guess I'm a secular humanist. Oscar oscar Oh. Great. We have a secular humanist here, that is disgusting. Michael michael Michael, do you know what secular humanism is? Oscar oscar Yes. It is a philosophy which says people can improve their lives by using reason instead of religion or superstition. Michael michael Oh. Oscar oscar Stupid. Michael michael My cousin Mose's best friend was a dog. One day, he was foaming at the mouth, so I had to shoot him dead. Turns out, he had only eaten one of Mose's cream pies. Did I feel bad for killing him? No. That's how you deal with a thief. Dwight dwight Yeah, the, uh, the charity's having some financial problems. What do I look like to you, Paul Newman? That's actually not a good example, because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman, my eyes and my face. And I make my own salad dressing. I mix Newman's Ranch with Newman's Italian. Sell it at flea markets for a slight loss. I could make... I could make a profit if I changed one of the ingredients to Wishbone [shakes head] but I won't do it. Michael michael Whoa, 'scuse me! Oh! Michael michael Let... let's pick it up, Phyllis! Bob Vance bob-vance Oh, slow! Oh, ho, ho, ho. [laughing as he passes Phyllis and Bob] You guys are going so slow... Michael michael Go get him Bobby! Phyllis phyllis Come on, I'm going backwards. Michael michael Sic him! Phyllis phyllis Oh, all right! All right! All right! All right! Michael michael Sic him! Phyllis phyllis Okay! [Bob Vance and Michael in an all-out sprint, Michael grunting] Michael michael You're gonna be just fine, Michael! You're gonna have a good life. Pediatrician pediatrician Thanks. Michael michael Lots of people suffer dehydration; they all recover just fine. Pediatrician pediatrician I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration's pretty simple. He could also have been treated by a Boy Scout leader, a coach, or a, a... a water bottle. Pediatrician pediatrician Well, apparently, my insurance will not be covering this hospital stay. I will be paying out-of-pocket. Um... I kinda wish I'd been hit by a car. Michael michael Hey, doc? You forgetting something? [pediatrician takes a lollypop from his pocket and gives it to Michael] Thank you. Michael michael