[to Pam] Hey. Jim jim [Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this? Jim jim That is a demerit. Dwight dwight [reads demerit] "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Ugh. I love it already. Jim jim You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law. Dwight dwight Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean? Jim jim [scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those. Dwight dwight Lay it on me. Jim jim Three demerits and you'll receive a citation. Dwight dwight Now that sounds serious. Jim jim Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior. Dwight dwight Which would be me. Jim jim That is correct. Dwight dwight OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation. Jim jim What's a dis... what's that? Dwight dwight Oh, you don't want to know. Jim jim [door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right? Pam pam I think I just got flashed. Phyllis phyllis What? Really? Pam pam In the parking lot. Phyllis phyllis Oh, my God. Pam pam [jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move! Dwight dwight OK, I'll call the real police. Jim jim What happened? What can I do to help? Andy andy [on the phone] OK. Jim jim I'll check the web. Andy andy [on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls. Jim jim [to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened? Pam pam Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis. You're a married woman. Angela angela The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? Creed creed If that's flashing, then lock me up. Creed creed [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy. Pam pam [whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering] Ryan ryan What's happening? Michael michael Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot. Pam pam Really? Is she OK? Michael michael Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down. Pam pam OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher] Michael michael What is so funny? Angela angela Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind? Michael michael I'm guessing not. Kevin kevin [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it. Michael michael Mm... not really, no. Jim jim It's disgusting and demeaning. Pam pam Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone] Michael michael Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the... Toby toby What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down] Michael michael What's going on? Toby toby Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs] Michael michael I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response. Toby toby Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul. Michael michael I don't think the women in this office - Toby toby Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher. Michael michael I was at a parent-teacher conference. Toby toby Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong. Michael michael In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me. Michael michael [on speakerphone] Michael, ... Jan jan Huh? Michael michael ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body. Jan jan I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls - Michael michael I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser. Jan jan Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable. Michael michael $300? Jan jan I... uh, well, I don't know. Michael michael You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on? Jan jan [on speakerphone] You got it, Jan. Hunter hunter Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free. Dwight dwight [exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house. Michael michael Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on. Dwight dwight OK. Michael michael [lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert. Dwight dwight This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight. Michael michael Look at that one. Dwight dwight Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand] Michael michael Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say. Michael michael Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force. Dwight dwight [raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces? Jim jim Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community? Dwight dwight Phallus? Pam pam Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody. Dwight dwight I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things. Pam pam I didn't really get a good look. Phyllis phyllis That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones. Pam pam Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous. Karen karen Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen. Dwight dwight Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting. Karen karen Desperate times call for desperate measures. Dwight dwight [reads memo] "Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors." Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela] Pam pam OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that. Michael michael Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect. Karen karen See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight? Michael michael Yes. Did you hear that, Michael? Dwight dwight No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation. Michael michael Wait a second, how are you qualified for that? Jim jim Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one? Michael michael [eating banana] Mm, less than three. Dwight dwight That is not current. Michael michael You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual. Dwight dwight Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls. Jim jim Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car. Dwight dwight You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women. Michael michael I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter. Michael michael Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal? Creed creed Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited. Michael michael I don't remember doing that. Meredith meredith What a surprise. Angela angela OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie. Michael michael Alien. Blagh! Dwight dwight What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this. Michael michael If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models. Andy andy Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me. Kevin kevin What you're saying is extremely misogynistic. Karen karen Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything. Michael michael I'm saying that you're being sexist. Karen karen No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist. Michael michael That - it's the same thing. Karen karen Michael. Phyllis phyllis Yes. Michael michael When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian. Phyllis phyllis Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut. Michael michael And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods. Angela angela I have to know whether you're serious or not. Michael michael I wish I could menstruate. Dwight dwight If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides. Dwight dwight Can we just get back to work? Karen karen Ye - OK, yes. Michael michael This is not work talk. Angela angela You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps] Michael michael Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that. Karen karen Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10. Angela angela OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go! Michael michael Have you finished with the sketch? Dwight dwight Yeah. Pam pam Hmm, doesn't seem like the type. Dwight dwight Uh, Phyllis got a good look. Pam pam Hmm. Dwight dwight [Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide. Dwight dwight [tires screeching] Oh. Pam pam Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead. Angela angela Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window] Meredith meredith Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter. Pam pam My car, my rules. Meredith meredith Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom? Kevin kevin No. Thank you, though. Jim jim You aren't curious? Kevin kevin Not really. I've seen a bathroom before. Jim jim Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy. Kevin kevin I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it. Jim jim [quietly] Yeah. I'm going in. Kevin kevin Go crazy. Jim jim [in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God. Kevin kevin I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today. Andy andy Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building. Dwight dwight This guy looks like a real deviant. Andy andy No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those. Dwight dwight Aye, aye, Cap'n. Andy andy More like, "Aye, aye, General." Dwight dwight [Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping] Michael michael It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot. Meredith meredith Many women are competent drivers. [scraping] OK. Come on. Michael michael [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we know. Dwight dwight [in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool. Jim jim Yes. Kevin kevin Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight? Toby toby Anna Maria's. Jim jim What's the occasion? Ryan ryan Six-month anniversary. What? Jim jim Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up. Ryan ryan No, we've been dating for six months. Jim jim Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um - Ryan ryan Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend. Jim jim I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway. Ryan ryan All right. Hope nobody's on a diet. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. Kelly kelly Thank you, Michael. Angela angela You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish. Michael michael What do you want to dish about? Pam pam Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it "shmear?" Like the cream cheese. Michael michael OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan? Pam pam Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome. Kelly kelly What, um... what do you think of role-play? Michael michael Oh, it can be fun. Phyllis phyllis Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy. Michael michael It's a pretty common one. Karen karen I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress. Michael michael OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store. Angela angela Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. Angela angela Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with. Pam pam Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex. Michael michael Oh, my God. Pam pam [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form. Michael michael That is not healthy behavior. Karen karen No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it. Michael michael Michael, you need to get out of this. Pam pam No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing. Michael michael No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying] Pam pam No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs] Michael michael Read the pros first. Pam pam OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt. Michael michael She does have very nice clothes. Phyllis phyllis OK, OK. Um, cons. Karen karen Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: Michael michael Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories. Michael michael No one said it has no calories. Pam pam Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here. Michael michael Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked. Michael michael [in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often. Kevin kevin I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time. Toby toby What are you doing in here? This is the women's room. Creed creed You're in here. Kevin kevin I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall] Creed creed [all get up to leave] OK. Kevin kevin [wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly. Creed creed Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear. Michael michael Phyllis. What do you think? Too much? Karen karen Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles] Phyllis phyllis I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe. Pam pam [in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up. Angela angela Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do? Michael michael Answer it. Karen karen Don't answer it. Pam pam OK, it stopped. Michael michael [bang] Whoa. Kelly kelly [tires screeching] Crap. Meredith meredith [snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool. Jim jim Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right? Kelly kelly Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will... Michael michael Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on. Pam pam Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts] Michael michael I think I've got it. Pam pam Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan? Michael michael I don't think we really need that, Michael. Pam pam Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail. Michael michael You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming! Pam pam Think we'll find him? Andy andy Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests. Dwight dwight [pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies? Andy andy No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar] Dwight dwight Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot. Andy andy Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar] Dwight dwight Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera. Andy andy You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs] Dwight dwight OK, I am really going to do this. Michael michael Good luck, Michael. Pam pam You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs] Michael michael OK, remember, be strong. Karen karen I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail. Michael michael Don't leave a - Pam pam [leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later. Michael michael Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry. Jan jan Thank you. Michael michael So... we're good? Jan jan Abso-fruit-ly. Michael michael [cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry. Jan jan No... No... Michael michael One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner? Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael OK. [voice on phone] "It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want..." Jan jan Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] "... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -" [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] "who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy." Michael michael Oh. [door closes] Jan jan [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. "Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all. Michael michael [phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. It's Jim. Jim jim Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy. Dwight dwight No, you're not. I'm looking right at you. Jim jim Ugh. I'm hanging up. Dwight dwight Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator. Jim jim You have information about the sex predator? Dwight dwight I saw him two minutes ago. Jim jim Where? Dwight dwight In the women's bathroom, above the sink. Jim jim [hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM! Dwight dwight So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription? Jan jan Love it. Michael michael Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would? Jan jan Uh, yes, I am. Michael michael Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it? Jan jan Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny. Michael michael Wait, wait, what cartoons? Jan jan The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it. Michael michael [Sigh] Jan jan We should really start recycling. Michael michael Right uh, Michael. Jan jan Hey, what's going on? Kelly kelly Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot. Stanley stanley [Screams] Kelly kelly Okay, you need to stop that right now. Stanley stanley Phyllis, you okay? You sure? Bob bob Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'? Andy andy I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold. Dwight dwight Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you. Andy andy If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass. Dwight dwight Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust. Andy andy I should make you my vichyssoise. Andy andy I will never be your vichyssoise. Dwight dwight Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep? Michael michael No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this. Jim jim Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand. Michael michael [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye. Kelly kelly Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move. Dwight dwight I got shotgun. Damn it. Michael michael Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school. Andy andy Look at that! Come on! Free underwear! Michael michael It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand... Pam pam Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit. Michael michael That's pretty cool. Jim jim You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous. Andy andy Idiot. Michael michael I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves. Michael michael