I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting. Dwight dwight For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia. Dwight dwight I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. Dwight dwight How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. Dwight dwight There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. Dwight dwight [in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over. Dwight dwight [to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin"] Andy andy Is that you singing? Jim jim All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever. Andy andy Nice job. Jim jim Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing] Andy andy You gonna answer it? Jim jim I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring. Andy andy Yikes. Jim jim Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. Andy andy Thank you. Jim jim I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna... Andy andy I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win. Jim jim Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover. Michael michael The cost of doing business. Andy andy Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... Michael michael Was the top salesman... Andy andy I said 'was'. Michael michael [chuckles] Addition by subtraction. Andy andy What does that even mean? That is impossible. Michael michael Mmmm. Yeah you're right. Andy andy But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits. Michael michael Hey, everyone. Oscar oscar Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation? Kevin kevin Oh, that's very funny. Oscar oscar Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left. Kevin kevin [sits at his desk] Hi, Angela. Oscar oscar Oscar. Angela angela Hey, boss. Andy andy Hey, what's up. Michael michael Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right? Andy andy Yep. Michael michael Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out? Andy andy I don't know. Maybe. Michael michael Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going? Andy andy Bathroom. Michael michael Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you. Andy andy [lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss. Andy andy Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee? Angela angela The one of all women? Oscar oscar Yeah. Angela angela Because I'm gay? Oscar oscar No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations. Angela angela OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you. Oscar oscar Thank you. [sniffles] Angela angela Can I join too? Kevin kevin Never. Angela angela You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work. Staples Employee staples-employee [scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell. Dwight dwight Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible. Michael michael Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? Pam pam Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning. Michael michael Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight. Pam pam Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. Michael michael Feel ya, dawg. Andy andy Yeah, do you? Michael michael Absolutely. Andy andy What did I say? Michael michael You said... [makes gibberish noises] Andy andy Huh. Michael michael Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it. Andy andy Oh, no. Michael michael Oh, no. Andy andy Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness. Michael michael I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party. Oscar oscar No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. Michael michael Michael -- Oscar oscar No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga. Michael michael Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe. Oscar oscar Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. Michael michael Need any help? Dwight dwight Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking. Lady lady Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all. Dwight dwight Okay. [moves away] Lady lady I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh! Andy andy Hey. Jim jim Hey. Karen karen So Andy is in rare form today. Jim jim Yeah, you should not encourage him. Karen karen Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something. Jim jim Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't. Karen karen Fine. Party pooper. Jim jim Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. Michael michael 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed] Andy andy Hey, Ryan? Jim jim What? Ryan ryan You wanna pull a prank on Andy? Jim jim Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. Ryan ryan I liked you better when you were the temp. Jim jim Yeah, me too. Ryan ryan Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay? Michael michael Sort of. He had a lot of clients. Phyllis phyllis Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? Michael michael Oh, sure, we talk all the time. Stanley stanley Really? Michael michael No. Stanley stanley Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close. Michael michael No. Sorry. Phyllis phyllis Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive. Phyllis phyllis Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. Paris paris I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination. Dwight dwight So um, where were you workin' before this? Paris paris Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight dwight What kind of company is that? Paris paris [scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area. Dwight dwight I never heard of 'em. Paris paris Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper? Dwight dwight You gonna be like that, huh? Paris paris I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter. Paris paris [singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed. Andy andy Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? Jim jim Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please. Pam pam Okay, good. Stay right here. Jim jim [after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one. Andy andy [hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages? Jim jim Nope. Pam pam So weird. Jim jim [takes the phone] Hmm. Pam pam Nice to have Oscar back. Michael michael Yeah. Angela angela Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device? Andy andy No. Jim jim Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. Andy andy Angela? Pam pam Oh. [hands Pam tape] Angela angela Is everything okay? Pam pam No. Angela angela What's going on? Andy andy What are you talking about? Jim jim Where is my FREAKING phone?! Andy andy You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling. Jim jim Maybe you're in the ceiling! Andy andy Okay. Jim jim [trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis! Andy andy I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me. Angela angela Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company. Michael michael Yes. Angela angela Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you? Michael michael None of them. Especially not Andy. Angela angela Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly. Michael michael Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with? Andy andy Um. Michael michael Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own. Andy andy No. I don't want to do any of that. Michael michael Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that. Andy andy No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy. Michael michael Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? Andy andy Yeah. Pam pam Sure? Okay. Andy andy [to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you. Dwight dwight Hey. Michael michael Hey. Dwight dwight What's up? Michael michael Same old. Dwight dwight Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. Michael michael Oh my God, she told you? Dwight dwight Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize. Michael michael Accepted. Dwight dwight How's this place treating you? Michael michael [scoffs] The boss isn't funny. Dwight dwight Oh, well. Michael michael I don't get to wear my ties. Dwight dwight No. I'm sure. Michael michael So? Dwight dwight So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. Michael michael I don't want to do your laundry anymore. Dwight dwight We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right. Michael michael [inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall. Jim jim I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker] Pam pam [imitating Andy] "It's not freakin' funny!" Jim jim Are you enjoying your fiesta? Angela angela Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- [Angela walks away] it's great. Oscar oscar Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute! Michael michael Yay. [scattered appalause] Everybody everybody Welcome back. Angela angela Thank you. Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh? Michael michael You did this for me? [camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign] Dwight dwight Guilty. Michael michael Oh... Where did you get this stuff? Creed creed Gerty's. Meredith meredith Which aisle? Creed creed I don't remember. Meredith meredith Well, draw me a map, mama. Creed creed Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours. Michael michael No, I will not. Pam pam So does this remind you of your childhood right now? Michael michael It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. Oscar oscar Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's- thanks so much. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim [sighs] Do you still have feelings for her? Karen karen [long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes. Jim jim And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him] Michael michael Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata] Dwight dwight It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm. Michael michael So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so. Andy andy Oh, hi. You must be Andy. Marcy marcy Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy! Andy andy That's right, it's so good to meet you. Marcy marcy It's so good to meet you! Andy andy Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun? Marcy marcy Yeah. Andy andy