Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable! Pam pam He. Hannah hannah ...Oh, sorry. He's-he's dressed all in pink. Pam pam That's his favorite color. Hannah hannah ...Oh. That's... fun for him. Pam pam Fantastic. Stanley stanley Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute. Michael michael Thank youuu. Hannah hannah Ohh. May I? Michael michael Uh, sure! Hannah hannah [climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from "Look Who's Talking." What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts. Michael michael Hey. Karen karen Hey. Jim jim ...Almost done? Karen karen Just about... yup. Now. Jim jim Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet. Jim jim Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know. Michael michael Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting. Angela angela [over phone] Mmhmm. Jan jan Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means. Angela angela We get that money for hiring an ex-convict. Jan jan I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding. Michael michael When did the check come? Jan jan Last week. Angela angela Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move. Jan jan One of the Stamford people is a criminal? Angela angela Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby. Michael michael Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal? Angela angela Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line. Jan jan [whispering] Who is it? Pam pam Hannah? Michael michael Hmm. Kevin kevin Hmm. Angela angela Andy. Kevin kevin Andy? Angela angela Hmm. Martin? Kevin kevin Kuhhhh... you are such a racist. Michael michael Wait, why am I a racist? Kevin kevin Because you think he's black. Michael michael He is black... right? And... Kevin kevin Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now. Michael michael ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash. Jan jan Yeah! Kevin kevin Michael? Jan jan Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake. Michael michael I wonder what he did. Kevin kevin In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened. Michael michael Why would anyone go to jail for that? Pam pam Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people. Michael michael Cool. Kevin kevin Okay. Angela? Pam pam Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that. Angela angela Good. All right. [everyone leaves] Michael michael [picks up phone] Jim Halpert. Jim jim [over phone] I am so horny. Andy andy ...Okay I can't... help you... with that. Jim jim Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack. Andy andy She is dating Ryan, I think. Jim jim Oh, and I care why? Andy andy She's... high-maintenance. Jim jim Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that. Andy andy Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one. Jim jim Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it? Andy andy ...Absolutely you should. Jim jim Jackpot. Andy andy Just... try to be cool. Michael michael I am cool. Dwight dwight Okay, are you cool, really? Michael michael I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on. Dwight dwight Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool! Michael michael I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals. Dwight dwight All... righty, let's get started. What is she into? Andy andy I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates... Jim jim Frisbee-based competitions... Jim jim Are you kidding? Andy andy She... Jim jim I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf. Andy andy Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin? Jim jim Hey Martin, how's it going? Michael michael Good. Getting settled, you know? Martin martin Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust. Michael michael My dad. Pam pam ...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah. Michael michael Jonas Salk. Jim jim Who? Michael michael Justin Timberlake? Jim jim Oh. Please. Colin Powell. Michael michael Hey I got one. Karen karen Yup. Michael michael Jesus. Karen karen Apollo Creed. Michael michael Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you. Michael michael So... you all wanna know what I was in for? Martin martin No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them. Michael michael Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink. Martin martin [laughs] That is awesome. Michael michael I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day. Kevin kevin What was prison like? Pam pam Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time. Martin martin You got outdoors time? Kevin kevin Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games... Martin martin Michael, why don't we get outdoors time? Kevin kevin Yeah, some days I never go outside. Pam pam Well, we are running a business, so. Michael michael What was your cell like? Meredith meredith Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes. Martin martin They have art classes? Pam pam Yeap. Yeah. Martin martin They have business classes there? Ryan ryan They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys-a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business. Martin martin Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin. Pam pam Ah. Well. That's not true. Michael michael I would so rather be in prison. Kevin kevin Prison sounds great. Ryan ryan No you would not. Michael michael This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison. Michael michael [singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this? Creed creed You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow. Karen karen Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo? Creed creed Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay? Andy andy Wow... I- Pam pam Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back. Andy andy Wow. That was... wow. Pam pam Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go! Michael michael Michael, it's freezing out. Pam pam I can't feel my toes. Phyllis phyllis Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up? Michael michael What is that, like... five pounds? Jim jim It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone. Michael michael I'm going back inside. Stanley stanley Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time. Michael michael Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint? Michael michael Yeah, in the rec room. Martin martin Ah. A ten inch black and white? Michael michael Actually, our TV was bigger than that one. Martin martin These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole. Michael michael Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam. Jim jim Yeah. Andy andy Quick question - do you play the guitar? Jim jim I play the banjo. Andy andy Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice? Jim jim [singing] You know I can, my man. Andy andy Yup. That's perfect. Jim jim Hey. Karen karen Hey. Jim jim I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car. Andy andy Perfect. Jim jim What is going on? Karen karen ...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him. Jim jim I love it. I want in. Who's the target? Karen karen ...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but... Jim jim Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment. Karen karen Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else. Jim jim All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?! Michael michael Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else? Angela angela Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap! Michael michael Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises] Ryan ryan Where... did you learn all of this? Jim jim Internet. Michael michael So, not prison. Jim jim And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office. Michael michael What'd you do, Prison Mike? Jim jim I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom. Michael michael That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. Jim jim And I nevah got caught, neither. Michael michael Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm. Jim jim Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison? Pam pam Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair. Michael michael Wow. Prison sounds horrible. Andy andy Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks. Michael michael Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison? Dwight dwight Don't encourage him, Dwight. Angela angela The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt! Michael michael Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter? Karen karen No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it? Michael michael Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you. Pam pam Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison. Martin martin Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room] Michael michael Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out. Jim jim No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas. Michael michael [knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have- Kevin kevin Shh! Hannah hannah [answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from? Toby toby Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room? Toby toby They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Michael michael Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will. Toby toby Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so. Michael michael You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny. Toby toby [unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms! Michael michael Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black. Michael michael [singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee... Andy andy