The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats. Jim jim [to office worker] That's the other thing you got to watch out... [to Jim] Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott. Andy andy Yeah. Jim jim So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines? Andy andy You know what? I think you just need to meet him. Jim jim Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you. Andy andy Sounds good Andy. Jim jim This is going to be an adventure. Karen karen Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later? Jim jim Right on. [to Andy] Hey is that Josh's computer? Karen karen What? Andy andy Hey! Pam pam Hey. Toby toby How'd the run go? Pam pam Ah, pretty good. I finished. Toby toby That's great! Pam pam Psh, why is that great? Dwight dwight Because he accomplished something. Pam pam What was your mile time? Dwight dwight About seven. Toby toby [scoffs] I could beat that on a skateboard. Dwight dwight Well, that has wheels. Toby toby Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time. Dwight dwight Really, Dwight? How fast are you? Pam pam Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake. Dwight dwight Really? Pam pam I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. Dwight dwight Man, what is taking Toby so long? Dwight dwight Oh, I'll just time him later. Pam pam And you'll compare the times? Dwight dwight Yeah. Are you ready? Pam pam No, my groin... Dwight dwight Set Pam pam ...is really tight. Dwight dwight Go! Pam pam I can't... [starts running] Dwight dwight Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. [yells to Dwight] Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby. Pam pam Aaaaah! Dwight dwight I should probably get back to work. Pam pam Here... Who's here? Michael michael Nametag? Dwight dwight Yes, please. Michael michael Karen Filippelli. Dwight dwight Karen Filip... [In Italian voice] Ka-ren Fili-pell-li. Michael michael Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. [exhales] Michael michael Who's next? Michael michael That's Andy Bernard. Dwight dwight Andy Bernard. Michael michael If I were you... Dwight dwight Saint Bernard. Michael michael ...I would fire Anthony Gardner... Dwight dwight What? Michael michael ...before noon... Dwight dwight I'm not... Michael michael ...to consolidate power. Dwight dwight I'm not firing somebody on the first day. Michael michael No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner. Dwight dwight The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person. Dwight dwight Good morning! Pam pam Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league. Michael michael Okay. Pam pam Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back. Pam pam Hello? Hannah hannah Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Michael michael Hannah Smoterich-Barr. Dwight dwight Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here. Michael michael You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, [holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] this says 'World's Best Dad'. Michael michael Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name? Michael michael Gardner. Tony tony Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. [laughs] Okay. Michael michael Thanks. Tony tony Michael, I didn't get a gift bag. Kevin kevin Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later. Michael michael My bag's mostly pencils. Hannah hannah Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. [to Tony] All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy. Michael michael Can I have your pencils? Kevin kevin No. Hannah hannah Hi! Pam pam Hi. Karen karen I'm Pam. Pam pam Karen. I love your sweater. Karen karen Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me. Pam pam Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn... Karen karen Welcome. Michael michael ...to knit. Karen karen Welcome, welcome, welcome! [in robot voice] Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader. Michael michael Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian? Karen karen Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh? Michael michael I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs. Andy andy Hello. Andy andy Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome! Michael michael And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello. Andy andy A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you. Michael michael Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike. Andy andy Oh. Michael michael Nifty! Andy andy They are nifty! They're nifty gifties. Michael michael You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him. Michael michael ...which is why they need a passing game. Martin martin Right. Jim jim [to Jim] No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim [to Martin] How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you. Michael michael Oh! Thanks. Martin martin Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. [shakes head] Not... so, your desk is... Michael michael Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here. Jim jim Oh my god! It's really you! Pam pam Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met... Jim jim I know. I don't care. Pam pam Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good. Jim jim It's really good to see you. Pam pam You, too. Jim jim Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand. Jim jim Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Jim jim Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me. Dwight dwight Okay. Sounds good. Jim jim What are you doing? Dwight dwight I don't know what you're talking about. Jim jim I have a smudge on my forehead? Dwight dwight No. Looks good. Jim jim Why are you looking at my forehead? Dwight dwight I'm not. Jim jim Meet my eye line, Jim! Dwight dwight I am. Jim jim Stop acting like an idiot! Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Ryan ryan Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you. Jim jim I'm good! How are you? So... Ryan ryan Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now? Jim jim Yeah. Ryan ryan Oh. Jim jim Um... unless you really, really want it back. Ryan ryan You know, man, it's really you're call. Jim jim Cool, thank you. Ryan ryan [whispers] Let me get that for you. Jim jim Yuh. Ryan ryan This one taken? No. Good. Jim jim Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk. Ryan ryan Hey, this came with the Stamford book. [Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential] Can you take care of it? Toby toby Oh, yes I can. Kevin kevin In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need. Kevin kevin Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike. Andy andy Right. Michael michael Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales. Andy andy So you'll be reporting to me, then. Dwight dwight Umm, on the contrary. Andy andy My title has 'Manager' in it. Dwight dwight And I'm a director. Andy andy Oh. Dwight dwight Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film? Andy andy I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them. Dwight dwight Congratulations. Andy andy Hey, Toby! Jim jim Hey, Jim! Toby toby How are you, man? Jim jim Oh, really good. Toby toby I just wanted to say hi. Jim jim How are you? Hey. Welcome back. [puts out fist to bump] Toby toby Oh. Is that like your new thing? Jim jim No, I'm sorry, it's... Toby toby No. It's cool. Jim jim No, it's nothing. We'll just... [shakes hand] Toby toby All right. Good to be back. Jim jim So... okay. Toby toby All right. Jim jim All right... sorry... sorry about that. Toby toby No problem. Jim jim It was just... Toby toby [off camera] ...what? Jim jim Nothing. Toby toby This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! [whispers] Shoot. Kevin kevin [talking to himself] I present the orientation video. Michael michael We need to talk! Dwight dwight Not now. Michael michael Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales? Dwight dwight I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale. Michael michael Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy? Dwight dwight It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one. Michael michael Ok. Who reports to who? Dwight dwight I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok? Michael michael And then if I want... Dwight dwight Work it out amongst your selves! Michael michael I... Dwight dwight Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company? Michael michael I... Dwight dwight Will you? Michael michael One... Dwight dwight Please? Michael michael Jim! Kelly kelly Kelly! Jim jim Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you! Kelly kelly Really? Jim jim Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing! Kelly kelly Great. What's new with you? Jim jim I just told you. Kelly kelly Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please [makes drum roll noises], the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in! Michael michael Yoko shack. Michael michael ...thank you James. [laughs] Male Voice male-voice Hey, champagne. Meredith meredith Nope, no. Guests only. Michael michael Looks like salmon. Kelly kelly Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo. Michael michael I eat beef. Kelly kelly Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy. Michael michael The beef is poisoned? Kevin kevin No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. [talks to group] Welcome. Help yourself. Michael michael Um... You might want these orientation materials. Toby toby Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.[talks to group] Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please. Michael michael Oh, this looks promising. Jim jim You won't be disappointed. Pam pam Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch "Lazy Scranton". Michael michael [Lazy Scranton Video] Video video Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'. Michael michael Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty. Dwight dwight So check out how we live Michael michael in the Electric City! {Michael} & {Dwight} michael dwight They call it Scranton. Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Scranton. Michael michael What? Dwight dwight The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider. Michael michael But check that it's covered by your health care provider! Dwight dwight It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'. Jim jim [in video] I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food. Michael michael [Lazy Scranton video continues] Video video You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot, Michael michael But the little cars go in the compact spot Dwight dwight Spot, spot, spot, spot ... {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight [on video in background] Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What? Michael michael Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'. Michael michael [recording phone message] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message. Karen karen Terrible. Totally unconvincing. Jim jim [recording] This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message. Karen karen Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian. Jim jim [recording] [in bad Italian accent] Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza. Karen karen You feel good? Jim jim Mm-hm. Karen karen All right. Jim jim [recording phone message] Karen Filippelli. Karen karen Hey, buddy. Anything new to report? Andy andy Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works. Dwight dwight Sure thing, buddy. Andy andy Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm. Andy andy Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver. Andy andy Oh. Angela angela Do you like it? Andy andy I do like it, actually. Angela angela Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way. Andy andy Thank you. Angela angela You're welcome. Andy andy Hey. Pam pam Hey! Jim jim What happened to grape soda? Pam pam Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase. Jim jim Oh. You've changed so much. Pam pam Well, I'm evolving, Pam. Jim jim So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work? Pam pam Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled. Jim jim Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I... Michael michael Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm... Jim jim All right. Michael michael Don't... Jim jim Okay. Michael michael All right. [to Pam] I should probably get back to work. Get back to work. Jim jim Yeah. I know, me too. Pam pam All right! Jim jim The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good. Pam pam [using breast pump] Take a picture. It'll last longer. Hannah hannah I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting. Ryan ryan Ditto that, my brother. Creed creed Look what's on his computer. Hannah hannah What is that? A squid's eye or... Michael michael It's my left breast. Hannah hannah How did you... Michael michael Right place at the right time. Creed creed Uh, what's that smell? Karen karen What smell? Phyllis phyllis Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home. Karen karen Oh, I'll help you find it. Phyllis phyllis Oh, you know. Never... .never mind. Karen karen What is it? Phyllis phyllis I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume. Karen karen My perfume? Phyllis phyllis It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells. Karen karen Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine. Phyllis phyllis Who's Bob Vance? Karen karen You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. Phyllis phyllis I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word. Stanley stanley People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause. Michael michael I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just. Michael michael Do you have batteries? Dwight dwight Ssshh stupid! Um... Michael michael [sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?'] Andy andy That's it! Michael michael [sings] What is love? Andy andy Yes, yes! Okay! Michael michael Baby, don't hurt me. Andy andy Okay, here we go. Michael michael Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me! {Andy} & {Michael} andy michael Oh! Michael michael Baby, don't hurt me! Andy andy Oh! Oh! Oh! Michael michael Whoa-oh-oh-oh Andy andy Scuse me! Scuse me! Michael michael Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh... {Andy} & {Michael} andy michael You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow! Michael michael Whoa-oh-oh-oh. Andy andy You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy! Michael michael Oh, probably because of all the nose candy. Andy andy [laughs hysterically] Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor. Michael michael Very funny, Michael! Dwight dwight Okay! Okay! Michael michael Really funny, Michael! Dwight dwight All right, all right, I'm on a roll. Michael michael Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them. Michael michael Shouldn't we be equals? Karen karen Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would. Michael michael Uh... this is difficult, for me. Tony tony I understand. We're all friends. Michael michael No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table. Tony tony Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. Michael michael [starts to climb table] Tony tony You know what? I'll help. I will... Michael michael No, please. No. Tony tony Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this! Michael michael Do this. Come on. Ready? Dwight dwight Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up. Michael michael On three. One... two... three. Dwight dwight Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here. Michael michael All right. All right. Stop. Put me down. Tony tony We've almost got it. Push it! Push it! Michael michael Let me go! Tony tony I'm right in your crack! Michael michael Put me down right... Tony tony Up and over. Michael michael Put me down! Tony tony Up and over. Michael michael Put me down right now! Tony tony You've got it. Michael michael I'VE HAD ENOUGH! Tony tony You've got it, you've got it. Michael michael PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else! Tony tony Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay. Michael michael Hey, hey. Easy. Dwight dwight Easy. Michael michael I'm sorry! Tony tony Don't... Michael michael It's just not going to work for me. Tony tony What... Michael michael I have to go. Tony tony I don't understand. Michael michael I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit. Tony tony Well, we'll squeeze you in. Michael michael I can't work here. I have to quit. Tony tony You can't quit! On the first day. That's [deep voice] heresy, my friend! [regular voice] Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what? Michael michael No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style. Tony tony My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny? Michael michael No. Was it supposed to be funny? Tony tony Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired. Michael michael Excuse me? Tony tony You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk! Michael michael But there's nothing in my desk except coupons. Tony tony Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you. Michael michael That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him. Dwight dwight Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight. Michael michael And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? [whispers] Fire Andy. Fire. Andy. Dwight dwight Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle. Andy andy Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional. Hannah hannah Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club. Angela angela Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide. Michael michael Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together. Stanley stanley No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King. Michael michael The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it. Michael michael Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires. Michael michael What! Dwight dwight Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on! Michael michael Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration? Karen karen Does he ever. Jim jim Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators. Michael michael YEAH! Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I don't... I don't think we can do that. Toby toby Go home, Toby. Just... Michael michael Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire? Martin martin Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. [reads note] "You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!" Michael michael For crying out loud. Hannah hannah No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh... Michael michael [to Stanley] What's up with this guy? Martin martin Got an hour? I'll try to explain. Stanley stanley THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious! Michael michael Trust me. It only gets worse. Stanley stanley Is he always like this? Martin martin Sometimes he brings more costumes. Ryan ryan When do people work? Hannah hannah Oh, we find little times during the day. Phyllis phyllis How are we going to get home? Karen karen Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up. Phyllis phyllis Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. Karen karen See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. [answers phone] Jell-o! Michael michael Michael! Jan jan Hi, Jan! Michael michael Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit? Jan jan I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted. Michael michael Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance? Jan jan Yes. Michael michael You do? Jan jan But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two. Michael michael What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two. Jan jan What? Michael michael He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this. Jan jan Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos. Michael michael So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two. Michael michael If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise. Dwight dwight Yeah, it does, actually. Jim jim So who will be your new Number Three? Dwight dwight Uh... that I have not decided yet. Michael michael Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb. Andy andy Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks. Michael michael And I have to say your leadership... Dwight dwight Shut it... Michael michael has brought... Dwight dwight Shut it! That's... [whispers to camera] suck up! Michael michael [talking on cellphone] Hey! Where you at, Filippelli? Jim jim [off camera] I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy. Karen karen [laughs] What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day? Jim jim Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink. Karen karen Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . [sees Pam in rearview mirror] Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back? Jim jim Yeah. Karen karen Ok, thanks. Jim jim Ok. Karen karen Hey. Jim jim Hey! Pam pam I thought you had already... left. Jim jim Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do. Pam pam Oh... Good. Jim jim What's up? Pam pam Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something. Jim jim What do you mean? Pam pam I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh... Jim jim Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want. Pam pam O..ok. Um..good. Jim jim We're friends. We'll always be friends. Pam pam Right. Jim jim It's good to have you back. Pam pam Yeah. Good to be back. Jim jim Where'd you get that salad? Meredith meredith Staples. Kevin kevin Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon? Andy andy Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please. Dwight dwight Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese. Andy andy Xterra's not even a real word. Dwight dwight Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth." Andy andy Oh, so you drive an X-Earth? Dwight dwight Yeah. Andy andy That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth. Dwight dwight Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back. Andy andy Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87. Dwight dwight Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came. Andy andy Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die. Dwight dwight Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University. Andy andy Idiot! Dwight dwight If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm. Andy andy If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world. Dwight dwight [coughs word] Idiot! Andy andy [coughs sentence] You're the idiot! Dwight dwight [coughs sentence] Nice comeback! Andy andy [coughs sentence] I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. [talks normally to camera] Totally got the best of that interchange. Dwight dwight And this is, don't tell me, Martin... Ne... Ne...Nack. Michael michael Nash. Dwight dwight Martin Nash. Okay. Michael michael Male, age 37... Dwight dwight Good. Michael michael Mocha complexion. Supplier relations. Either caught a fish or was standing next to a man who caught a fish in Key West, Florida. Dwight dwight What are you talking about? Michael michael [holds up piece of paper] It wasn't clear on the Google Image search. Dwight dwight All right, just... Michael michael Hey, Kev. How you doing? Jim jim Hey, man. Good. Listen, my M&M's are under the desk if you want any. Kevin kevin Okay. Jim jim Hidden from [whisper] them. Kevin kevin Smart. Good. [to Angela] Hey, Angela. Jim jim You need a hair cut. Angela angela Bye, Angela. All right, Kev. Jim jim See you later, Jim. Kevin kevin See you later. Jim jim [to Angela] It's his first day back. Kevin kevin His hair's flipping out on the sides. Angela angela [smiles] I like it. Kevin kevin Oh, my Lord. Angela angela This is weird with you facing the other way. Pam pam Yeah, I never even knew that part of the office existed. [Pam chuckles] Hey, who's that guy? [Jim points to Stanley] Jim jim That's Stanley Hudson. Pam pam Huh. Jim jim He's one of our salesmen. Pam pam Seems like a nice enough guy. Jim jim Oh very. Pam pam What about, uh.. [points at Meredith] Jim jim Hmm, that is... Janet Fenstermaker. Pam pam Really? Jim jim [Pam nods head] You should say hi. Use her full name. Pam pam Thank you for all of this. This is so helpful. You know what? One last question. Um, who is that fine older gentleman in the corner? [points to Creed] Jim jim Uh, that is Creed Bratton. He has four toes and he fought in the Civil war. Pam pam For the North. Jim jim For both sides. Whoever paid more. Pam pam Obviously. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Hey, uh sorry. Seriously, can you guys... I'm trying to get some work done. Ryan ryan Sorry. Man. [Pam hesitates and then leaves] Jim jim Thanks. Ryan ryan Hey, nice thermos. Karen karen [notices Karen has same thermos as herself] Hey. That's funny. Meredith meredith Yeah. Karen karen [holds out flask] Do you want a little? Meredith meredith Uh no, I'm fine, thank you. Karen karen Okay. If you change your mind, you just let me know, okay? Meredith meredith Yeah, I'm okay, thanks. Karen karen That's cool. Meredith meredith [approaching Kevin to shake hand] Hi, Andy Bernard. Andy andy Kevin Malone. Kevin kevin Nice to meet you. Andy andy What's that on your shirt? [points to Andy's shirt] Kevin kevin That is a penguin. You like it? Andy andy The Penguin. Kevin kevin Andy, or Andrew. Andy andy Okay, Penguin. [laughs] Kevin kevin Smiles. Michael michael Yeah. Andy andy Good, what's funny? Michael michael Michael, have you met the Penguin? Kevin kevin Oh, nicknames, yay! Penguin power. Michael michael Ha, that's why I wore this shirt. Andy andy Good. Michael michael Hey, girls. What's happening? Startinng to blend? Well, before long, you guys keep hanging out, you guys you are gonna share the same menstrual cycle. Michael michael [sniffs. Pans to Creed eating his mungbeans.] Martin martin [pushing back desk item] Here you go. Hannah hannah That was in your way? Meredith meredith Um Hannah hannah Sorry. Meredith meredith Yeah, I mean my stuff's coming over, but umm... is this...is this yours? [holds up travel mug] Hannah hannah [takes mug] Yes. Meredith meredith Hey Kevin. Andy andy Yeah. Kevin kevin Have you lost weight? Andy andy Well... I... Hey. You've never met me before. Kevin kevin I know, but you just give off the vide of a guy who's getting thinner. Andy andy Well, thanks. I appreciate that. Kevin kevin You're welcome. Andy andy You know who I really like? That guy, Andy. Kevin kevin Can't we all get along? No, we can't. But here's the thing: Michael michael I need somebody to pick a card. [Dwight raises hand] One of the new people, please? Tony? [Tony walks away] Michael michael [gets up] I'll do it. Andy andy All right. Good. Thank you. [Andy picks a card] Do not look at your card. Now, I've always said that to be a great salesman is to have the ability to connect with people right here [puts hand over heart]. So to be a great salesman is to be a king of hearts. Turn over your card. Michael michael [turns over card] King of hearts. Andy andy [starts clapping] Very good Michael. Really good. [Michael shushes Dwight] Dwight dwight So I think in order for us all to work together well we must come together as a family and then we can all be [starts to fan out the rest of his cards facing the group showing kings of hearts] a king of hearts. Michael michael [claps] That was fantastic. Andy andy [clapping] No, no, it's better than fantastic. It's super perfect. Dwight dwight Dwight, don't, don't be a suck up. Michael michael What I want all of you [points at Scranton branch] to do is approach one of the new people and tell them the one thing that you like most about them. Who wants to start? Who wants to give it a shot? Michael michael [raises hand] I want to. Meredith meredith Okay Meredith, let's give it a shot. Michael michael [to Martin] I love your complexion. It's like devil's food cake. Meredith meredith Thank you. Martin martin [clapping] Beautiful. Very good, nice. Michael michael It just goes to show you, you play with fire and you are gonna singe your eyebrows. And they do not grow back the same way. [takes of glasses and points to right eyebrow] Dwight dwight It is inspiring to me to watch you navigate these murky waters. Andy andy Okay. Michael michael Bull... [bleep] [clears throat] Sorry. Dwight dwight We heard it. Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim We heard what you said. You didn't cover it at all. Michael michael I had a tickle in my throat. Dwight dwight [points at camera] They're gonna have... You can't say that, all right? Michael michael I can't say [clearinng throat noise]? Dwight dwight [clearing throat noise] Idiot. Dwight's an idiot! Did you catch that or did... did the cough cover it? Michael michael Sometimes it hurts Michael. Dwight dwight [cleaing throat] You're a jerk. Dwight's a jerk! Michael michael