Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then... Michael michael They are either going to say yes... or no. Dwight dwight Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say. Michael michael Think it through. Dwight dwight Have to think it through. Because if they say no... Michael michael Can we not? Jim jim No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. [Michael starts playing with a football in the office] Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! [laughs] Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted. Michael michael Still want that. Jim jim Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me. Michael michael Ryan! Creed creed Fumble! Yaaah! Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. Michael michael Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! Dwight dwight You all right Ryan? Michael michael Ryan. Dwight dwight Yeah. Ryan ryan Pam! Michael michael Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread? Dwight dwight Cugino's pizza. Jim jim Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs? Dwight dwight Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so... Jim jim What did I do to deserve this? Jim jim Are you sad that Dwight beat you? Pam pam No. Jim jim Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue? Pam pam Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures? Phyllis phyllis Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later. Pam pam Oh. Phyllis phyllis Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later. Jim jim Ok, cool. Pam pam I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone. Pam pam That's what she said! Michael michael Ha! I don't get it. Dwight dwight Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon? Michael michael Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right? Dwight dwight Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life. Michael michael Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year. Michael michael What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, "Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very..." Dwight dwight That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act. Michael michael When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'. Dwight dwight I can't do this. Dwight dwight That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. Michael michael Oh, okay. Dwight dwight But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company. Michael michael Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked. Dwight dwight Well, if you have a question, you should ask me. Michael michael I'll try and think of one. When... Dwight dwight Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot. Michael michael Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice? Dwight dwight Insult. Michael michael Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my... Pam pam Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents? Jim jim I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here. Jim jim Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um... Jim jim I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care. Oscar oscar [stand up comic voice] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? Michael michael Saleswoman has a vagina. Dwight dwight It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class. Michael michael But I'm right? Dwight dwight Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? [stand up comic voice] The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs! Michael michael Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? Dwight dwight I do. Both of them. Michael michael Could I have a copy of one of them? Dwight dwight No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this. Michael michael Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars! Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight [generalized clapping and cheering] Congratulations. Michael michael Unbelievable. Phyllis phyllis You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them. Michael michael That is so great about the bonus! Dwight dwight No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience. Michael michael Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she... Stanley stanley It's unbelievable! Phyllis phyllis Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured. Dwight dwight Do we know anyone who was in the accident? Pam pam Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses. Dwight dwight Why would this affect our bonuses? Stanley stanley They are unrelated. Dwight dwight Is Brad okay? Kelly kelly He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing. Dwight dwight What the hell is going on here? Oscar oscar Are we out of jobs? Angela angela Yes. Dwight dwight This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston. Kelly kelly He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible. Michael michael Michael? Stanley stanley Yeah. Michael michael You said we were getting bonuses. Stanley stanley All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it. Michael michael Cancel wallpaper. Stanley stanley As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. [speaking to camera] You saw the plaque, right? [to office] All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking. Michael michael You mean Toastmasters? Pam pam Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast. Michael michael Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding? Pam pam Can I go? Jim jim Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative. Michael michael So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions? Jim jim You should go to Hedonism. Kevin kevin What is that? Jim jim It's like Club Med, but everything is naked. Kevin kevin I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice. Jim jim Been to Amsterdam. Toby toby Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up. Michael michael [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam. Toby toby When did you go there? Jim jim Umm... After my divorce. Yeah. Toby toby Really for like how long? Jim jim Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't... Toby toby Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me. Creed creed Where do I want to go? Jim jim I'd send you to Hong Kong. Creed creed Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. [speaks in Chinese] Creed creed Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today. Michael michael Good morning, Vietnam! [general groaning] Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates. Dwight dwight No. We're not. Jim jim Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight Which means absolutely nothing. Jim jim Michael, can you explain? Dwight dwight Well, it's mostly made up. So... Michael michael Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing. Michael michael Confidence, Dwight. Michael michael Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go? Jim jim I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone. Dwight dwight Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip. Jim jim Oh please! You're not taking any trip. Dwight dwight You know I majored in Public Speaking in College. Jim jim You did? Dwight dwight Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority. Jim jim Yes. I am. Dwight dwight The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did. Jim jim Which is? Dwight dwight You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point. Jim jim Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one [holds up paper]. Originally given by Benito Mussolini. Jim jim Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at. I hope you don't mind. Jim jim I'll glance at it. Dwight dwight It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here. Michael michael The very best of luck to you, Dwight. Angela angela Thank you, Angela. Dwight dwight Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception? Kelly kelly Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think. Pam pam You're inviting Jim? Ryan ryan Of course. He's one of my closest friends. Pam pam All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right. Michael michael [song] You all ready for this? Overhead overhead [coughs] [sniffles] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest. Angela angela I've never, ever seen you take a sick day. Kevin kevin Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us. Angela angela Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute! Speaker speaker [polite clapping] Crowd crowd Dwight, they called your name. Michael michael Dwight, how we doing? Speaker speaker No, I can't... I ca... Dwight dwight All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. [shouts] All right! Michael michael [claps] Crowd crowd Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? Michael michael I always set it at 69. [snickers] Kevin kevin Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date. Pam pam But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married? Kelly kelly Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married. Ryan ryan Oh. Kelly kelly Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just... Pam pam I know what I said. Ryan ryan I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. [makes robot sounds] Michael Winslow, anyone? Michael michael Car starting. [makes car sounds] All right, Dwight Schrute everyone. Michael michael [clapping] Crowd crowd Good luck. That is a tough crowd. Michael michael [bangs fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. [waves arm] how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle [waves arms]. A never-ending fight. I say to you [hits podium] and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight! Dwight dwight [clapping] Crowd crowd WE ARE WARRIORS! Dwight dwight [clapping and cheering] Crowd crowd Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! Dwight dwight [clapping and cheering] Crowd crowd [laughs maniacally] Yeah. Yes! Dwight dwight I've got a time share in Key West that might be available. Oscar oscar Maybe. Thanks. Jim jim You really think you're going to go? Ryan ryan Yeah. I'm definitely going. Jim jim Nice. Send me a postcard. Ryan ryan Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia. Ryan ryan No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [bangs fists] Dwight dwight [claps] Crowd crowd Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is... Dwight dwight [shouts] Together that we prevail! [cheering and clapping] Crowd crowd Australia? I have always wanted to go there? Pam pam I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable. Jim jim That's awesome. Where are you staying? Pam pam I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but... Jim jim When are you leaving? Pam pam I'm... leaving on June 8th. Jim jim Oh. Pam pam Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just... Jim jim Oh yeah. That's too bad. Pam pam Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out? Jim jim It's ok. I got it. Pam pam Alright. Jim jim Ok, thanks. [to Michael] There you are. What happened? Dwight dwight I got thirsty. How'd it go? Michael michael It was amazing. I wish you would have been there. Dwight dwight You would not believe what happened here. Michael michael What? Something happened? Dwight dwight Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35. Michael michael Weird. Dwight dwight Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.' Michael michael Con artist. Dwight dwight She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right? Michael michael Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys? Michael michael My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh? Dwight dwight Goggles? Jim jim [imitating '80s rock] Dwight dwight And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera. Dwight dwight That's it? You're going to end with "etcetera"? Okay, what's this big organizational system that... Michael michael Well, do you think I should describe our filing system? Dwight dwight That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries. Michael michael It is? Dwight dwight It's your delivery... Michael michael What is? Dwight dwight Our biggest worry. Michael michael I don't follow. Dwight dwight My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you. [clears throat] [shouting] Michael michael Oh, God! Dwight dwight See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn. Michael michael Well, that didn't go well. Dwight dwight No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin. Michael michael All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke. Michael michael [whispering to Angela] Stop it. [to the office] Two sailors walk into a bar... Dwight dwight Please don't tell a sailor joke. Meredith meredith Oh, why not? Dwight dwight Her nephew's in Iraq. Phyllis phyllis Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water. Michael michael Yes, but they are both in danger. Pam pam Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Michael michael Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead. Michael michael What are we supposed to talk about? Phyllis phyllis Anything your heart desires. Michael michael I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately... Phyllis phyllis [shouting] Louder! Michael michael I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts... Phyllis phyllis Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next. Michael michael Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order? Ryan ryan Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there. Michael michael Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else. Ryan ryan All right. Dwight dwight Way to go, Ryan! Stanley stanley Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so... Michael michael Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death. Michael michael I got the stamps. Ryan ryan The ones that say "love" on them? Pam pam The ones that say "39 cents." Ryan ryan Oh. Doesn't matter. Pam pam I didn't think it did. Ryan ryan As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start. Pam pam Kelly's helping? Ryan ryan Is that okay? Pam pam Yeah, sure. Ryan ryan Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know. Michael michael Oh, no, I don't think this is it. Dwight dwight Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room. Michael michael Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope. Michael michael Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her. Dwight dwight You're weird. Michael michael No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode. Dwight dwight Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go. Michael michael Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? "Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?" "Jell-O pudding." Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. [imitating race car engine] That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. [baby crying] Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude. Michael michael