So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well. Jan jan Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times. Pam pam Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So... Jan jan [knocks] Hey, what's going on? Michael michael Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here. Jan jan Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say. Michael michael What are you doing? Jan jan Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads... Michael michael Michael. Jan jan No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason. Michael michael Michael. Jan jan They did this up in Albany... Michael michael You are not allowed in this session. Jan jan And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so... Michael michael Now you're really not allowed in this session. Jan jan Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like... Michael michael I'm your boss. Jan jan [stands up] Anybody want any coffee or... Michael michael We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please. Jan jan Women in the workplace... yeah, translation "I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls." Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh! Michael michael Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize. Jan jan Jan. Pam pam Yes, Pam? Jan jan Michael's still at the door. Pam pam Michael! Jan jan [in the background] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone? Jan jan It's a terrible idea. Dwight dwight What is? Jim jim Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing. Dwight dwight Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this! Michael michael [in the background] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap. Michael michael Let's just clap. Ready? [clapping] Yeah! Yeah! Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight That's what I'm talking about! Michael michael I don't know what you're doing here, Michael, Jan jan Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing. Michael michael ... but it's very destructive. Jan jan Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable? Michael michael Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael? Jan jan We have nowhere else Jan. This... Michael michael We could do it in the warehouse. Dwight dwight Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse. Jan jan OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works. Michael michael Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months. Michael michael Remember on Lost when they met the Others? Dwight dwight I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then? Jan jan Mmmhmm. Pam pam Please? Thank you. very much. Jan jan So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear? Michael michael My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time. Darryl darryl You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing. Michael michael Why? Roy roy Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy... Michael michael I don't understand. Roy roy Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing. Michael michael [talking to Jim] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up. Kevin kevin Thanks for the head's up, Kev. Jim jim I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it. Kevin kevin [points at math equasion on chalkboard] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little "Good Will Hunting" situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind. Michael michael Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking. Jan jan Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations. Meredith meredith Great. Phyllis? Jan jan I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that. Phyllis phyllis [disbelieving] Really? Angela angela I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that... Phyllis phyllis No. Okay. Stop. Go on... Jan jan I've seen some of your spreadsheets. Angela angela Really? I thought they were pretty... Phyllis phyllis I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is... Pam pam Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam. Roy roy Oh, no, no. No. Jim jim No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right? Roy roy Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely. Jim jim You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home. Roy roy Yeah. I like talking to her too. Jim jim So, we're cool, right? Roy roy Yes. Yeah. Jim jim All right. Roy roy Yep. Cool, man. Jim jim Sweet. Roy roy [blows a sigh of relief] Kevin kevin Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today. Darryl darryl Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there. Michael michael The experience... Darryl darryl Guys! Want to start unloading the truck? Michael michael Okay. Let's go. Step up. Dwight dwight Check this out! Look at that! Look at that [squeezes blow-up doll] bwup-bwa! [talks in girly voice] Hello! How are... [regular voice] Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff. Michael michael In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober. Meredith meredith That is an excellent goal. Jan jan Four and a half. Meredith meredith I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan. Kelly kelly Great! Uh-huh? Jan jan I want an SUV... with three rows of seats. Kelly kelly [general murmuring of agreement] Women women Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life. Jan jan Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation. Dwight dwight Ponies. Jim jim No. Dwight dwight How about rainbows? Ryan ryan No. Dwight dwight Flowers. Jim jim It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this. Darryl darryl Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself. Michael michael Mike. Darryl darryl Stand clear. Michael michael Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now. Darryl darryl I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. Michael michael Look, would ya... look. Darryl darryl Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up. Michael michael We're the ones that got to clean that up! Darryl darryl Dammit, Michael! Lonny lonny We ought to have this thing serviced. Michael michael So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so... Michael michael Hey, do you want me to go? Madge madge No, why? Why would I... ? You could... Michael michael I'll go. Madge madge Stay or... Michael michael ...and a big walk-in closet. Phyllis phyllis Oh, that's part of my dream too. Meredith meredith Oh, me too. Kelly kelly Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream? Jan jan Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way. Pam pam She's real good. Phyllis phyllis Thanks. Pam pam You know the company is offering a design training program in New York. Jan jan Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off... Pam pam Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out. Jan jan Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um... Pam pam There are always a million reasons not to do something. Jan jan Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know? Michael michael My priority is safety. Darryl darryl OK. Michael michael So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin. Darryl darryl OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh... Michael michael Uh uh uh. Don't shush me. Darryl darryl I... That was just... Michael michael That bothers me too. Darryl darryl I was breathing. Michael michael Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy. Roy roy I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men. Michael michael You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us? Lonny lonny OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it. Michael michael All right. Let's talk about clothing. Jan jan I'm excited about today. [whispers] I love girl talk. Phyllis phyllis Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be. Jan jan I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore. Angela angela I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like "When are we going to go on a date-date?" Roy roy I hate that too! [general clapping and agreement] Guy guy I hate that too. Darryl darryl That sucks so much. Kevin kevin It totally sucks. Guy guy Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like "Gas ain't free!" Dwight dwight Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires. Lonny lonny I feel you. Michael michael No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what? Darryl darryl Not literally. Dwight dwight You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently. Darryl darryl Yes. Michael michael We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder Darryl darryl Ah, you do. So... Michael michael But we get paid a lot less. Darryl darryl Word. Dwight dwight Like next to no benefits. Roy roy I know. God! What is that? Michael michael Exactly. Roy roy It blows. It blows, man. Gah... Michael michael You know this would not happen if we had a union. Darryl darryl That's what I'm talking about. Roy roy No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah. Michael michael Absolutely. Roy roy That's what we need. Darryl darryl You know you're right. Guy guy Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally. Darryl darryl You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys. Michael michael It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union? Darryl darryl In my truck. Roy roy Dockworker's? Michael michael Man, hook you up. Darryl darryl [generalized clapping] Everyone everyone Come on, man. Guy guy Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks. Michael michael Union! Union, yeah. Darryl darryl The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them. Michael michael Are you with us Mike? Darryl darryl Yeah-es. Michael michael Welcome to the warehouse. Darryl darryl Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi... Everyone everyone Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before... Jan jan [knocks] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points... Michael michael What? A union! What... Jan jan Don't get hysterical. Michael michael I'm not... Jan jan Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women. Michael michael Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons? Michael michael The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here? Jan jan Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you. Michael michael You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out. Jan jan But we're bonding down there! Michael michael That's too bad. Jan jan I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear. Michael michael I don't want to... Jan jan Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through... Michael michael Michael! Michael! Michael! Jan jan We have a history... Michael michael Michael. Jan jan ...between us. Michael michael Don't say another word. Jan jan I won't Michael michael Get yourself down stairs. Jan jan I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever. Michael michael You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line. Ryan ryan This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs. Stanley stanley Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means... Jan jan Mistake. Phyllis phyllis Slip. Meredith meredith Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense. Jan jan What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal? Kelly kelly Excuse me? Jan jan I mean that's a baseball term, right? Kelly kelly I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know. Jan jan [in the background] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you. Kelly kelly [in the background] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about. Jan jan [in the background] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term... Kelly kelly Hey. Pam pam Hey! Jim jim How's it going down there? Pam pam It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls? Jim jim Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies. Pam pam Did you really? Jim jim No. [laughs] Pam pam Oh. Jim jim Almost. Pam pam Good. Jim jim Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great. Pam pam Nice. Well, what's it all about? Jim jim Um... Pam pam I think you should do it. That's great! Jim jim It's really cool. Pam pam Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this? Michael michael Are you married? Angela angela I'm divorced. Jan jan That must have been hard. Phyllis phyllis It was. Yes. Jan jan You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael. Kelly kelly I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff. Jan jan Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck. Phyllis phyllis At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God. Angela angela Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five. Jan jan How can someone so beautiful be so sad? Kelly kelly Hi. Michael michael Did you take care of the situation? Jan jan Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially... Michael michael Excuse me. Jan jan I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some... Michael michael Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that [snaps her fingers]. They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael. Jan jan Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me. Pam pam So you're not doing it. Jim jim How did you know? Pam pam Why not? Jim jim Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons. Pam pam Come on. Jim jim Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway. Pam pam Roy said that. Jim jim What? You have something you want to say? Pam pam You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always? Jim jim Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices! Pam pam You are? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... . Pam pam I'm just going to put this over there. Michael michael This is not a good idea right here. Darryl darryl You did uh... okay. Michael michael Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza? Michael michael Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch. Michael michael Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah. All the Men all-the-men Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship. Michael michael Thank you to our hosts. Michael michael Hey Michael. This ain't over. Darryl darryl Ahhh! Excellent. Michael michael Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please. Pam pam Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring. Michael michael You did? Pam pam And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here. Michael michael Okay. Pam pam Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? [classical piano playing] [violin playing] Michael michael How about that one? Pam pam No, no. [blues piano playing] Michael michael Oh, that one was good. Jim jim Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... [imitating jackhammer] You know what I'm talking about? Michael michael Do you mean vibrate? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point. Roy roy Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car. Dwight dwight Really? Roy roy Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit! Dwight dwight What are you guys talking about? Michael michael [at the same time] Guns. {Dwight} and {Roy} dwight roy Cool. Michael michael How's that union stuff coming? Roy roy Working on it. Michael michael Yeah. Roy roy Yup. Michael michael Okay. Roy roy All right. Michael michael Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! [Darryl's office window shatters] Sorry. Dwight dwight That's my office. Darryl darryl There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, "There's no place like home." And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? [sighs] It's gonna drive me crazy. Dwight dwight