Go. Get the door. Dwight dwight Here we are. Michael michael Go. Push! Dwight dwight Oh god. Michael michael Push! Dwight dwight No, no, turn it around. Michael michael Really shove it. Dwight dwight You'll break it. Michael michael Shove it through! Break it! Dwight dwight You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight. Michael michael All right. Michael michael I got a splinter. Dwight dwight Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh? Michael michael I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up. Dwight dwight On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three. Michael michael One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.] Dwight dwight Merry Christmas! Michael michael Did it work? Michael michael [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big? Kevin kevin A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Michael michael But what are we going to do with this hacked off part? Kevin kevin Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about. Michael michael So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel. Jim jim Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights? Angela angela Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? Phyllis phyllis We'll see. Angela angela Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive. Ryan ryan [comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting? Michael michael Fifty. Angela angela Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me. Michael michael It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. Michael michael I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive. Michael michael You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party. Pam pam Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody. Michael michael One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk] {Kevin} & {Oscar} kevin oscar You guys should use a hand truck. Dwight dwight Do we have one? Kevin kevin No. Dwight dwight [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me? Angela angela No! No way! It... no. Michael michael Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. Darryl darryl You wanna be Santa? Michael michael Yeah. Darryl darryl Have you ever seen Santa? Michael michael Yeah, I've seen Santa. Darryl darryl Okay. Michael michael Who cares? Darryl darryl Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work. Michael michael Michael, I would like to be the elf. Dwight dwight That makes sense because he has elfish features. Michael michael [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael. Dwight dwight I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that. Toby toby I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain. Oscar oscar I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't [smiles happily]. Kevin kevin You get something good this year? Michael michael I think I did a pretty good job. Jim jim Yeah? Who did you have? Michael michael Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret. Jim jim I think I got something pretty nice for my guy. Michael michael Yeah? Jim jim I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow. Michael michael Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ? Jim jim Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond. Michael michael That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .. Jim jim It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan. Michael michael Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons. Dwight dwight I know how to plug something in. Stanley stanley I want to do it. Dwight dwight All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready? Michael michael Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree] All all Not great. Michael michael I'm sorry, everybody. Phyllis phyllis I think the tree looks nice. Pam pam Hey, I could get some flares from my car. Dwight dwight No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa. Michael michael Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth." Michael michael First present, Oscar. Dwight dwight [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat. Oscar oscar Oh, good, that was from me. Kelly kelly Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .. Oscar oscar Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim. Dwight dwight Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag] Jim jim That's from me. Creed creed Great. Where did you get it? Jim jim I don't know. It was so long ago. Creed creed He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag. Jim jim Yep. That's exactly what happened. Creed creed Pam. Dwight dwight [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome. Pam pam There's a little more to it. Jim jim All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present] Dwight dwight No, don't! Michael michael [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod. Ryan ryan Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away. Michael michael Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks. Ryan ryan You don't know that. Michael michael Yeah, you left the price tag on. Ryan ryan I did? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right? Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on. Michael michael I knitted it for you. Phyllis phyllis An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out] Michael michael So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod. Michael michael Should we just keep opening up the presents? Kevin kevin We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions. Dwight dwight I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap. Michael michael What is Yankee Swap? Jim jim One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift. Michael michael I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. Jim jim Yeah, we call it White Elephant. Pam pam Well, I call it fun! Michael michael Why are we doing this? Oscar oscar Because it's better. Because it's more special. Michael michael It sounds mean. Angela angela Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot. Michael michael Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry] Angela angela Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt. Michael michael I'll take the teapot. Meredith meredith Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam. Jim jim Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. Michael michael I'll take the iPod. Pam pam And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice? Ryan ryan Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift. Dwight dwight [after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly'] That was meant for Kelly. Stanley stanley Yeah, I figured. Ryan ryan I think this is going great. Michael michael [unwrapping the poster] Yikes. Kelly kelly Well, it's for Angela, so .. Toby toby That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen. Kelly kelly Angela, you're up. Dwight dwight I'll take the poster. Some people like these. Angela angela I will steal the iPod. Kelly kelly Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle. Michael michael Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn. Michael michael I'll take the ... teapot. Oscar oscar Damn it. Meredith meredith Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go. Dwight dwight I really want the iPod. Meredith meredith It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else. Dwight dwight [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. Michael michael I'll take the oven mitt. Meredith meredith Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. Michael michael Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. Michael michael [opens present] "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute." Michael michael You and me, Michael. Yes! Dwight dwight Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod? Michael michael I never said it was better than an iPod. Dwight dwight Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand. Dwight dwight [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam! Dwight dwight Last gift. Kevin. Michael michael I want the foot bath. Kevin kevin That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot. Kevin kevin Pam, steal something or pick the final gift. Dwight dwight I want the iPod. Pam pam Damn it. Kelly kelly Sure you don't want the teapot? Jim jim Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .. Pam pam Right. Jim jim Sorry, I .. Pam pam No. No. Definitely. It's .. Jim jim Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories. Kelly kelly Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias. Dwight dwight Got to be kidding me. Jim jim Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas. Dwight dwight [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about? Michael michael Maybe because you hated her present so much. Pam pam Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets. Michael michael Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people. Jim jim And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else. Stanley stanley Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me! Michael michael You got a bonus check? Oscar oscar How much? Pam pam It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000. Michael michael All right, I'm done now. Stanley stanley Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame. Michael michael It comes to $166.41. Liquor Store Clerk liquor-store-clerk All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Michael michael Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it. Liquor Store Clerk liquor-store-clerk Cool, cool. Box it up. Michael michael I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it? Jim jim No trades. Dwight dwight Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck. Jim jim "A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane. Titanic. Dwight dwight Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you? Jim jim No. I want it. I'm going to use it. Dwight dwight You don't even drink tea. Jim jim True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .. Dwight dwight Okay .. Jim jim .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates] Dwight dwight To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle. Jim jim This is awesome. Roy roy I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out. Pam pam Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money. Roy roy So what are you going to get me instead? Pam pam I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something. Roy roy Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty. Michael michael What is that? Angela angela This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze. Michael michael We can drink? Meredith meredith We're really not supposed to serve alcohol. Toby toby Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink? Michael michael Me. Please. Meredith meredith Go, here we go! Michael michael The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week. Meredith meredith Hi guys. Phyllis phyllis Hey. Ryan ryan Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Phyllis phyllis Kevin Malone. Kevin kevin Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance bob-vance Stanley Hudson. Stanley stanley Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance bob-vance Ryan Howard. Ryan ryan Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Bob Vance bob-vance What line of work you in, Bob? Ryan ryan I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man. Roy roy Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done. Darryl darryl It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man. Roy roy I had to. I needed defense. Darryl darryl Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league. Roy roy It's defense. Darryl darryl Oh, no. That is not worth it. Roy roy It is worth it. Darryl darryl Never. Roy roy Are you kidding? You wait. Darryl darryl Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how's it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin] Michael michael We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some? Ryan ryan There should be some .. Angela angela No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party. Michael michael One, two, three. [do a shot] {Phyllis}, {Meredith}, {Michael}, {Kevin} phyllis meredith michael kevin Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee. Michael michael Oh, no. Ryan ryan Yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael michael I really did not do anything. Ryan ryan Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend. Michael michael You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know. Jim jim [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot] Pam pam But .. Jim jim I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .. Pam pam Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside. Jim jim [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture! Pam pam Yeah, I think I made the right choice. Pam pam Oh, my God! It's incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer? Pam pam I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't. Jim jim This is so awesome. Dwight dwight Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to. Michael michael Thank you. Dwight dwight You're welcome. Michael michael [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe! Todd Packer todd-packer No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen! Michael michael [rapping] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants] Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake. Michael michael Pacman need a drinky. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up. Michael michael [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh. Kevin kevin Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it. Michael michael That's okay, Mike. Darryl darryl No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it. Michael michael All right. Thanks, man. Darryl darryl Hey, Merry Christmas. Michael michael [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that? Ryan ryan Mine. Kevin kevin Oh, how did I not guess that? Ryan ryan [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It's happening! Michael michael [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no. Creed creed Hey. Kelly kelly Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing? Dwight dwight I don't know. Kelly kelly You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that. Dwight dwight Thanks for the party, Michael. Kevin kevin Yeah. Meredith meredith Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in? Bob Vance bob-vance I'm in. Oscar oscar Yes. Dwight dwight Michael? Poor Richard's? Oscar oscar Yeah, that sounds good. Michael michael Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time. Michael michael Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? Michael michael Yep. Meredith meredith Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat? Michael michael Yeah. Meredith meredith Okay! Michael michael Towards me. Oscar oscar Okay. Creed creed Towards me. That's good, towards me. Towards me. Towards me, towards me. Okay, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good. Oscar oscar Okay, okay. [gasping] Creed creed Creed. Oscar oscar Remember on that animated special when they taught the uh, the monster to put the star on top? That's Dwight. Dwight's the monster that we taught to put the star on top of the tree. You take his teeth out, and he could put the star on top of the tree. Michael michael Do you want me to help you with that? Pam pam Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis and Angela and Meredith are helpers. I guess Angela's kind of... Angela's little. Phyllis and Meredith are not little. Pam is sort of a medium helper. Michael michael Okay. Christmas lights? Good. Tinsel? Good. Star? Good. Dwight dwight Dwight is... Dwight looks like Spock to me. He always wears the ears, and I always give him grief about looking like Spock, and he hates it because he has a different pair of ears that he wears to be Spock, for some reason. Michael michael Question, Pam. Is Roy coming to the party? Dwight dwight Yes. Pam pam Okay, well, you didn't tell me that. Now, he will not be allowed in unless we register him on this list. Dwight dwight Are you kidding? Pam pam Do I look like I'm kidding? [Pam shakes her head 'no'] Phyllis, stag, I assume. Dwight dwight I'm bringing someone. Phyllis phyllis Really? Dwight dwight I invited someone to the party. Bob Vance. He works at Vance Refrigeration next door. That's how we met. [whispers] He's my boyfriend. Phyllis phyllis Everyone, please remain calm until we receive further instructions. Dwight dwight Just let us open up the presents, Dwight. Pam pam Absolutely... not. Dwight dwight What separates humans from jungle beasts? The fact that we have rules. When humans give each other gifts, they do it properly and orderly. When bears give each other gifts they just rip open a fox carcass and present it to their mate. I prefer the human way. Dwight dwight Man, I really wanted that. I really wanted the shower radio, too. Oscar oscar Well, thank God you didn't steal my oven mitt. And Oscar, you little gourmand, your turn. Michael michael I'll take the tea pot. Oscar oscar Damn it. Meredith meredith So, I guess, you really didn't want the shower radio that bad. Kelly kelly No, I just like tea. Oscar oscar I don't know why Oscar didn't like the gift. I know he wanted a shower radio. I mean, I totally remember him telling me that he wanted one. Kelly kelly Kelly had me last year, too, and she gave me the same exact thing. I only have one shower. Oscar oscar Oscar, paint ball pellets. Michael michael I guess I'll take the last gift. Cool. Oscar oscar It was supposed to be for Meredith, 'cause she said she likes my drawings. Pam pam Thanks. I wish I could've had it. Do you wanna trade? Meredith meredith Yeah. Like anybody would want an oven mitt. [Phyllis gets up and leaves the party] Michael michael So, hey, you wanna trade? Toby toby Yes, totally, 'cause I was just gonna throw this out anyway. Kelly kelly Really? You were gonna throw out a book? Toby toby Mmm-hmm. Kelly kelly [Rap music playing] [singing] The time is now, the place is here And the whole wide world is filled with cheer My name's DMC with the mike in my hand And I'm chilling and cooling just like a snow man Kevin kevin Yeah. Darryl darryl [singing] So open eyes Lend us an ear We wanna say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year [Darryl whooping] Yeah. Kevin kevin I'm the DJ because I really know how to heat up a party. Kevin kevin I do enjoy a drink now and again, but tonight, no. I am also an officer of the law and I'm unofficially on the clock. I need to stay sober and alert. Also, on a personal note, I'm not at my best when I drink. Dwight dwight I actually got that for you. I had you originally. Ryan ryan Oh, cool. It looks really interesting. What did you end up with? [Ryan pulls Creed's old coat out of a bag] Sorry. Toby toby I didn't want anything else, so I figured at least I could give it to a homeless guy. Ryan ryan Christmas. Toby toby Yeah, Christmas. Ryan ryan What did you end up with? Oscar oscar Your shower radio. Creed creed You like music at least? Oscar oscar I love it. I actually used to have a radio show back in the '70s. Creed creed You're kidding. What was your DJ name? Oscar oscar Whacky-weed Creed. Creed creed Turns out that Creed is a pretty interesting guy. Oscar oscar You behaved very badly tonight. Angela angela Sorry? Kelly kelly See, that's what Christmas is all about to me, is when you see someone open a gift and you think, "Man, I wish I got that." I mean, that's just such a great feeling, to watch other people envying a gift that you gave to somebody else. I don't know, it's just... I don't know, just makes you kind of feel good. Michael michael