[entering office] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie. Ryan ryan No. They're in the conference room. Jim jim Good. Ryan ryan Wait, are those Michael's Levis? Pam pam Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? Ryan ryan Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays. Pam pam [to Ryan] I'll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk] Pam pam This is a projection of the county's needs... Jan jan Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. Michael michael Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... Jan jan So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years. Jim jim So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um- Jan jan I changed it. To Chili's. Michael michael Excuse me? Jan jan Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So. Michael michael You had no right to do that, Michael. Jan jan Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. Michael michael It said that. Jan jan It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. Michael michael Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. Jan jan Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip. Michael michael What? Jan jan She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. Oscar oscar No... Jim jim Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. Oscar oscar That is unbelievable. Toby toby What is going on? Pam pam We are doing worst first dates. Jim jim Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. Pam pam Ok, that's a joke. Oscar oscar No, they had to come back for me. Pam pam Wait, when was this? Jim jim Umm... it was not that long ago. Pam pam Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. [laughs] Kelly kelly I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. Jim jim Ok, let's do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck. Michael michael Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Dwight dwight Thank you. Jan jan [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. Michael michael Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour. Jan jan Well... Michael michael Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? Jan jan No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios! Michael michael So which way is Chili's? Jan jan Uh, I'll drive. Michael michael Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there. Jan jan It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? Michael michael I know Scranton. Jan jan At all! Michael michael Alright. Jan jan You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- Michael michael If it's a couple blocks away- Jan jan Dar de dar. Michael michael Ok. Jan jan Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead. Michael michael We should come up with a signal of some sort. Michael michael Why would we need a signal? Jan jan Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- Michael michael What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Jan jan Well, I... it could be either of us. Michael michael You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. Jan jan Yeees. Michael michael Hello? Christian? Michael michael Yes. Christian christian Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. Michael michael Just Jan Levinson. Jan jan No Gould? Michael michael No. [To Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? Jan jan No, not long. Christian christian Uh, Jan, what happened? Michael michael Michael. Jan jan Is Gould dead? What uh- Michael michael Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Jan jan Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? Michael michael Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please? Jan jan When did this happen? Michael michael We're in a meeting. Jan jan Ok. Michael michael This way, please. Hostess hostess Christian. Jan jan Alright, after you. Michael michael Thank you. Christian christian [mouths "Wow" to the camera] Michael michael I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. Jan jan Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- Christian christian Awesome blossom. Michael michael What? Jan jan [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? Michael michael Sure. Christian christian Ok, it's done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done. Michael michael So- Jan jan I heard a- Michael michael If you have a- Jan jan Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Michael michael Christian, you don't have to listen to this. Jan jan It's ok, I like jokes. Christian christian Ok. Michael michael Just the one. Jan jan Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo. Michael michael Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. Michael michael [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read 'em? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- Pam pam No. Michael michael When- Pam pam Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Michael michael Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship- Pam pam Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? Michael michael Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. Pam pam Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk] Jim jim It is a screenplay. Starring himself. Pam pam Agent Michael Scarn. Jim jim Of the FBI. Pam pam How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. Jim jim What is that? Pam pam Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. Jim jim First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe". Michael michael Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Christian christian [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? Jan jan Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott? Jim jim Yeah, yeah. Everyone everyone Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. Jim jim That's the character's name? Phyllis phyllis Oh yeah- Jim jim Ok, you guys should not be doing this. Dwight dwight Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. Jim jim You took something that doesn't belong to you. Dwight dwight Dwight- Jim jim Brought it in here- Dwight dwight Do you want to play- Jim jim Made copies of it- Dwight dwight The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? Jim jim [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That's delicious! I love it! Michael michael We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match. Jan jan Well, we are out to save money. Christian christian What's the bottom line? Jan jan Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. Michael michael That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault. Michael michael Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? Michael michael I don't think Christian has time for that. Jan jan I have time. Christian christian [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs] Michael michael [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- {Michael} and {Christian} michael christian [singing] Chili's baby back ribs... Michael michael [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. Jim jim Sir, you have some messages. Phyllis phyllis Not now! Dwight dwight They're important. Phyllis phyllis Ok, what are they? Dwight dwight First message is: Phyllis phyllis Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. Dwight dwight If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. Dwight dwight Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. Ryan ryan Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy] Dwight dwight Hey, uh, I have to work late. Pam pam [looks around conference room] You're joking right? Roy roy Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- Jim jim Pow! Pow! Pow! Dwight dwight Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. Ryan ryan Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. [Smiles] Heh. Kevin kevin A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? Jim jim Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? Oscar oscar Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. Dwight dwight I forget it, brutha. Ryan ryan Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who's Dwigt? Dwight dwight Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. Pam pam D-W-I-G-H-T. Dwight dwight Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. Dwight dwight Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- Jim jim Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. Dwight dwight That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry? Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. Christian christian Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. Michael michael Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. Jan jan Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing. Michael michael It's not fair. Christian christian She's not playing the game. Michael michael We'd been fighting for a while- Jan jan Check please. Michael michael He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. Jan jan You didn't. Christian christian I was stupid. Jan jan No. {Michael} and {Christian} michael christian No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? Michael michael That's right. Christian christian You know? Michael michael You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. Christian christian It's true. Michael michael You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!" Christian christian I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer. Jim jim [Pam lights a candle] Wow. Jim jim For the bugs. Pam pam Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. Jim jim Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner. Pam pam Right down the street? Christian christian Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. Michael michael I know. Christian christian It's bad. Michael michael It's terrible. Christian christian It, you know what, it really is. Michael michael Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh] Jan jan I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts. Christian christian Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? Michael michael So, I guess I'll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours. Jim jim What are you going to do with your time off? Pam pam Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself. Jim jim [points to Jim's iPod] You have new music? Pam pam Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely. Jim jim [waving to Christian] See ya. Michael michael Bye... thanks. [pumps fist] Yes! Jan jan We did it! Michael michael We got it! Jan jan Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. Michael michael I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let's go. Jan jan What!? Michael michael Let's go. Jan jan Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok. Michael michael [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael's office] Michael? [looks out Michael's window] His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who's this? Jan? Dwight dwight Morning, Pam. Hey. Michael michael No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. Michael michael Hello, Dwight. Michael michael Did you do her? Dwight dwight Who. Michael michael Jan Levinson-Gould. Dwight dwight Uh, no, no, no Gould. Michael michael Did you do her? Dwight dwight This is none of your affair because she is your boss- Michael michael And she is your boss. Dwight dwight And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all? Michael michael Jan didn't come back for her car last night. Jim jim What!? Pam pam Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Jim jim Oh, I don't know... [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan's cell. Pam pam No way. Jim jim Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: Michael michael Some might even say that we had our first date last night. Jim jim Oh, really? Pam pam Really. Jim jim Why might some say that? Pam pam Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Jim jim Uh hmm. Pam pam Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. Jim jim We didn't dance. Pam pam You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. Jim jim Swaying isn't dancing. Pam pam Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game. Jim jim I have some faxes to get out. Pam pam Oh, come on, Pam. I- Jim jim Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right? Jim jim Have you ever heard of Doctor David Friendly? Michael michael Hmm... Pam pam Doctor David Friendly's Egg Yolk Diet. It's, it's kind of unique. It's just, my diet the last couple months has consisted mostly of eggs yolks and cottage cheese. And, um, what you do, you don't just have the egg yolks, it's not like a Rocky thing. You do like hard boiled eggs and I got one a those melon ballers [shot of Michael peeling boiled egg] and I, it's just like a little ice cream scoop, and I just scoop out the middle of the egg and just pop it in my mouth. I don't even, I don't even use a plate anymore. Uh, the first couple weeks I did, but you know what, boom, I keep a melon baller in my desk so if I have a hard boiled egg [Jenna breaks as Pam and laughs] I know, I know! But you know what? It's perfect. I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds ridiculous, but you know what? Dr. David Friendly, he came up with this thing. The guy, I think he was like four hundred pounds when he started, and he started with this... I, well, the melon baller was my idea. Michael michael Most of that is good. Kevin kevin [throwing away food from the fridge] Not today, Kevin. Cannot be around carbs today. You know what one loaf of bread would do to my abs? Michael michael I'm almost there, so we should have plenty of time to go over the presentation. Jan jan Uh huh. Michael michael And, uh, hmm, excuse me, I've also confirmed the meeting this afternoon at four p.m. Jan jan Conflict! Michael michael What? Jan jan I have a conflict with that. Michael michael What do you mean? Jan jan Uh, I have a pajama party. At the Playboy Mansion. With the bunnies. Michael michael Michael. I need you to take this seriously. Jan jan I can't get out of it! Michael michael Michael- Jan jan Ok, alright. Michael michael Are you hearing me? Jan jan I'm hearing you, meeting confirmed. Michael michael This is a very important- Jan jan Meeting confirmed. Would you like your confirmation number? Please grab a pen, because I will only be repeating this once. Michael michael [sighs] I'll see you in ten minutes. Jan jan 42897. Ok. Michael michael What is a closer? A closer is a sales term for someone who always gets the job done. And that is me. A B C, always be closing. Glen Garry, Glen Ross. "Hey, gimme the Glen Ross leads." "No way, they're just for closers." "Do you know who you're talking to?" "I'm Michael Scott." "Really? Well, take any lead you want." "No thanks, I don't need 'em." Because I have a client list [taps screen] right here in my computer. [sighs] So suck on that. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Hi. Pam pam What are you doing? Jim jim I don't know, I think I was just staring at my desk. Pam pam Really? Do you wanna get back to that? I could go. I should go. Jim jim Yeah, do you mind leaving? Pam pam No, not at all. Jim jim It's very important. Pam pam Uh hmm. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam Sure. Jim jim Do you think they'll get the account. [Stanley stares at her] How come you never answer me? Phyllis phyllis I'm sorry, Phyllis. No, I don't think they'll get the account. Stanley stanley [reading screenplay] Bullets are flying everywhere. Ooo, wait, last page, big finish. Here we go. Agent Michael Scarn kicks open the plane door with a karate chop. Jim jim A kick and a chop are two totally different things. Dwight dwight Well, it's just a movie, Dwigt. Jim jim It doesn't make any sense. Dwight dwight Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense. Oscar oscar Don't jump Agent Scarn! There are no parachutes! Ryan ryan Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in the head. Jim jim Oh! So close to retirement. Pam pam Another bullets heads towards Agent Michael Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane without a parachute. Jim jim Is that it? Ryan ryan Yup, I guess so. Jim jim Does he die? Phyllis phyllis I sincerely doubt it. Pam pam I have to say, I think this is a terrible movie. Angela angela What was my worst first date? Umm. It was a couple of years ago. It was a lunch date, actually, it was right down here, at Cugino's. And we had just met, and we really hit it off, it was, it was kinda nice. Umm, huh. And, uh, then, as it turned out, it wasn't even a date, because she was actually in love with someone else. So, best first date is also my worst first date. Oddly enough. Jim jim