Where is my desk? Dwight dwight That is weird. Jim jim This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. Dwight dwight Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk. Jim jim I didn't lose my desk. Dwight dwight Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? Jim jim Okay, who moved my desk? Dwight dwight I think you should retrace your steps. Jim jim Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished! Dwight dwight Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot. Jim jim [In bathroom, answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight [On the phone with Dwight] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model. Jim jim Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times. Dwight dwight I know. Jim jim It's by the ream? Dwight dwight Uh, yeah, ream. Jim jim ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%. Dwight dwight Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work. Jim jim Wash your hands, Kevin. Dwight dwight [On the phone] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... Jim jim [Also on the phone] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... Dwight dwight Umm... Jim jim Dwight... Dwight dwight You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks. Jim jim Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai. Dwight dwight Was that your mom? Jim jim No, that was my Sensei. Dwight dwight Oh, I thought it was your mom. Jim jim I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei. Dwight dwight Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool. Jim jim Assistant Sensei. Dwight dwight Ok. Jim jim I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei. Dwight dwight I don't want to stay until seven again this year. Stanley stanley I don't really have any control over that Stanley. Pam pam Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. Pam pam [singing and tapping on his coffee mug] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day. Michael michael Did you ask me here for any specific reason? Ryan ryan Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information. Michael michael Why is that secret? [Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office] Ryan ryan [to Pam] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin. Michael michael Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. Pam pam Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. Michael michael It's just last year you... Pam pam Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam? Michael michael Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier. Pam pam Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is. Michael michael Updating emergency contacts. Ryan ryan Well, is that really a priority? Pam pam Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. Michael michael Catch-22. Ryan ryan Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell? Michael michael Uh, Larissa Halpert. Jim jim What's her address? [Ryan's cell phone rings] Ryan ryan 117 Mount Bergin St. Jim jim Hello? Ryan ryan [in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland. Michael michael Do you mean Neverland? Ryan ryan This is Tito. Michael michael What? Ryan ryan Calling from... [Ryan hangs up] Michael michael [Reading Jim's palm] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks. Pam pam You making this up as you go along, aren't you? Jim jim I am just following the website. Pam pam Well, at least I don't have cavities. Jim jim Yes, you have very nice teeth. Pam pam Thanks. Jim jim Who is your emergency contact? [Ryan's phone rings] Ryan ryan Stacy. Kevin kevin [looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up] Ryan ryan [Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention] Pick up. Michael michael Hello? Ryan ryan [in a high pitched voice] This is Mike Tyson. Michael michael Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist? Jim jim Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me. Dwight dwight No I'm not. Jim jim Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you. Dwight dwight Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: Jim jim And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. Michael michael Could you practice on the forms? Pam pam No women or children, unless provoked. Dwight dwight Ok, Roy? Jim jim Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Dwight dwight Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? Jim jim Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen. Michael michael Because we're friends. Dwight dwight Because I would kick his ass. Michael michael Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... Jim jim So? I've beaten up black belts. Michael michael Uh, how did you know they were black belts? Jim jim They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. Michael michael Is your wife still your contact? Ryan ryan Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. Toby toby 'Kay. Ryan ryan You don't need to write 'ex'. Toby toby And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. Michael michael Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, [starts snapping] you're a Jet all the way, right? Jim jim You were a Jet? Michael michael Have you signed the expense reports yet? Angela angela Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. [Puts Dwight in a headlock] Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. Michael michael Argggg! Dwight dwight I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. Michael michael Just hit me. You'll see. Michael michael I can't. I just got a manicure. Jim jim Oh, queer... [realizes he is on camera] eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it. Michael michael Just have Dwight punch you. Jim jim Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass. Michael michael You know a ton of fourteen year old girls? Jim jim What belt are they? Dwight dwight Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... Michael michael No! Dwight dwight ... he cried at the end of it. He did. Michael michael Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. Dwight dwight Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid? Michael michael Ok, I'll punch you. Dwight dwight Ok, here we go. Alright, come on. Michael michael Kiyah! Dwight dwight Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh! Michael michael Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. Dwight dwight Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright? Jim jim Yeah. [Jim opens office door for Michael] Thank you. Michael michael I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. Dwight dwight Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael. Jim jim I don't know. Pam pam Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. Jim jim French Onion? Pam pam Obviously. Jim jim Ok. Pam pam Yes. Jim jim [to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight] Take this pen and stab me with it. Dwight dwight [Pam knocks on his door] Go away. Michael michael I just have a quick question. Pam pam I haven't signed them, ok? Michael michael No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car? Pam pam Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. Michael michael He's a purple belt. That's really high. Pam pam Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. Michael michael It's just out there, you... Pam pam Oh, so that's what they are saying? Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam Ok, alright, where is Dwight? Michael michael Uh, Kitchen. Jim jim Ok. Michael michael Hi-yah! Kelly kelly Good. Dwight dwight Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight. Kelly kelly Now watch, let me take you from behind. Dwight dwight What? Kelly kelly Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you. Michael michael I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. Dwight dwight No, Really? Michael michael In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai. Dwight dwight Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. Michael michael Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go! Dwight dwight Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: Michael michael Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... Jim jim I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. Michael michael Uh, no, it's not. Ira ira I think it is. A guy told me about that. Michael michael Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. Ira ira Oh. Michael michael [Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves] Wow, that is really interesting. Jim jim What? Pam pam Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. Jim jim Well, look closer. Pam pam [Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face] Oh, ok. Jim jim Once point for me. Pam pam [Gently taps Pam on the forehead] Tied up. Jim jim Oh, you're dead. Pam pam What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. Jim jim Hey, put me down. Put me down. [Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam] Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... Pam pam Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright? Ira ira Yes, Sensei! Dwight dwight Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. Michael michael Shi mate! Ira ira Hiii! [kicks Michael] Dwight dwight Hey! Michael michael Alright, break. Ira ira What the hell was that? Michael michael Yes! Dwight dwight Dwight - awarded a point. Ira ira No. Michael michael Eat it! Dwight dwight Alright, that's the way you want it. Michael michael Two more. Dwight dwight Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. Michael michael Sweep the leg. Kevin kevin I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight I got his pants. Michael michael It was my pants. Dwight dwight No points for pants. Ira ira Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight] Michael michael Clean single kick, gentlemen. Ira ira Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya. Michael michael Ok, break. Break. Ira ira No holding. Dwight dwight You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. [Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight] Eight points. Nine points. [Begins to hock a loogie] Michael michael No, stop it! Come on! Michael. Dwight dwight Open your mouth. Michael michael No, Michael! Dwight dwight You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. [Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot] There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. [Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling] Oh, we're playing phone tag. Michael michael Seven new messages. First New Message. [Michael's voice] "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!" {Ryan}'s Voicemail ryan My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for? Michael michael Fudge? Ryan ryan [knock at the door] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? Michael michael I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott. Dwight dwight Ok, to what? Ryan ryan Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: Dwight dwight Later Jim. Kevin kevin Later, Kev. [Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk] Have a good weekend. Jim jim Yeah, you too. Pam pam [Knock at the door] Yeah. Michael michael I have the emergency contacts. Ryan ryan Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? Michael michael Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. Ryan ryan If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout. Michael michael Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. Ryan ryan Alright, bye. Michael michael Dwight? Michael michael Michael, did you finish yet? Angela angela This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? Michael michael I'm busy. Dwight dwight Well, [points at himself] busier. Making the time. Michael michael Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday. Stanley stanley We want to go home. Toby toby Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. Michael michael The shipping place closes in a half hour. Pam pam I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. Michael michael This is illegal. Angela angela I don't care. Stanley stanley I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? Michael michael Of course. Dwight dwight And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. Michael michael Michael, I don't know... Dwight dwight I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it. Michael michael I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office. Dwight dwight No, no, title change only. Michael michael I'll have Pam send out a memo. Dwight dwight No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now. Michael michael Just a formality. Dwight dwight Absolutely but not really. Michael michael Michael, I have so much to learn from you. Dwight dwight Yes you do. Michael michael Thank you, Sensei. Dwight dwight And, ditto. Michael michael I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo. Michael michael [Dwight grunts] Great. Excellent. [Dwight yells] All right. That's okay. Master master [Dwight's pager goes off] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry, just one second. Dwight dwight Dwight, you can't use your pager in here, I told you. Master master Okay, I just... Dwight dwight Dwight... Master master It's a sales call. Dwight dwight Ten push-ups. Ten push-ups! Master master I can... Yes, sensei. Dwight dwight Do I feel bad that I haven't bonded with the other students? No, I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to attack people. Dwight dwight What about Oscar? Could you beat Oscar? Jim jim No problem. Dwight dwight I don't know. He looks pretty scrappy. Jim jim Unless he has a shiv, in which case it wouldn't be a fair fight. Dwight dwight True. Meredith. Jim jim No women or children. Unless provoked. Dwight dwight Okay. Roy. Jim jim Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael. Could you beat up Michael? Jim jim Yeah, I don't think that would happen. See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out. I was a bad ass mo-fo. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. Michael michael Excuse me? Stanley stanley I've never lost a fight. You know why? My motto. Never say die. Michael michael You just said it. You just said it. Dwight dwight No, that's not how I meant it. Michael michael Die. You just... You said it. Dwight dwight Shut up, Dwight. Michael michael Do you think he's signed them yet? Angela angela Signed what? Oscar oscar Forget it. Is that chocolate-vanilla swirl? Angela angela Just chocolate. Angela? For the last time, I did not eat your chocolate-vanilla swirl. Oscar oscar Don't look at me. [smiles at camera] Kevin kevin I don't know why I write my name on things. Angela angela Are you going to happy hour later? Kelly kelly I'm still recovering from last night. But maybe. Meredith meredith Sir, your shoes. Master master Yes. Michael michael You're gonna have to take them off. It's a sign of respect. Master master Oh. Well, in my office, if you took off your shoes, it would be a sign of disrespect. Stinkyfeetville. Kind of a ying-yang. [exclaiming] Oh, stretchin'. I like to stay tight. Compact. [Dwight screaming] Michael michael Here's your gear. Please put this on. Master master Do you have, do you have anything in, like, black? Michael michael Okay. Gentlemen. [to Michael] You ready? [to both Michael and Dwight] Okay, listen up. Master master Hi, sensei. Hi, Dwight. Alyssa alyssa [to camera] That's Alyssa. My senpai. She just qualified for regionals. Master master Alyssa? I guess she's technically the senpai. But nobody really respects her. The only reason she got into regionals was because her competition was a bunch of 13-year-old girls. Put me in that division. Let's see how she does. Dwight dwight God, you look like such an idiot. [both yelling] [grunting] Michael michael Stan the man. Michael michael Hi, Michael. Stanley stanley Did you hear about the fight? Well, it wasn't much of a fight, actually. Michael michael No. Are those purchase orders signed? Stanley stanley I opened a big can of whoop-ass on him. Michael michael Huh? What? Stanley stanley I went medieval on his heinie. Michael michael Are those purchase orders signed? Stanley stanley Hey, Stanley. I don't tell you how to do your job, do I? He... Michael michael Look, I just want to have a job, Michael. If we don't get these purchase orders... Stanley stanley Grow a pair, Stanley. Right? There not gonna downsize because I miss a lot of deadlines. That's not how business works, okay? [sighs] Okay. Michael michael For the record, let me just say, Michael Scott has no honor. If he lived in Japan, he would be an outcast. Well, that's not totally true, 'cause Asians worship chest hair. I had a friend, a hairy friend, who lived in Japan. He told me the women would line up to satisfy his every need. So, and he wasn't even that attractive. Dwight dwight [door opening] All right. Here you go, Princess. Just finished with part one. Michael michael This is what you had Ryan do. Pam pam Yes, under my tutelage. Michael michael Well, what about the other stuff that has to be in today? Pam pam If you didn't badger me with so many questions, Pam, I could be done with it by now. Michael michael