Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh... that's great! Michael michael Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called. Pam pam Ohh... OK. Michael michael I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay. Michael michael [on phone] Jan Levinson's office. Sherri sherri Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning. Michael michael Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. Sherri sherri Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day. Michael michael I just need the name of who you're planning to let go. Sherri sherri I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back. Michael michael I know she wanted the name. Sherri sherri Okay... Sherri? Michael michael Yeah? Sherri sherri If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you? Michael michael Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael. Sherri sherri Thanks. Michael michael Mm-Hmm. Sherri sherri I'll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri. Michael michael Hey, I'm still here. Sherri sherri Okay! I'm sorry. Michael michael Yeah. Sherri sherri No? Michael michael OK. Sherri sherri Bye. Michael michael Hanging up now. Sherri sherri I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about. Michael michael [entering] You wanted me? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael [notices Michael's costume] Papier-mache? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael Hmm. Pam pam Yeeesh. Michael michael Mm-hmm. Pam pam Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Michael michael Why did you put it off until Halloween? Pam pam Because it's very scary stuff. Michael michael I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little. Pam pam You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here. Michael michael So it's a man? Pam pam No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be? Michael michael I just answer the phone. Pam pam And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail. Michael michael You're costume is fantastic! [laughs] Pam pam I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around] Michael michael Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay... Pam pam Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody. Michael michael [eyeing Jim's costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be? Dwight dwight I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch. Jim jim That's great! Phyllis phyllis Oh, yeah. Jim jim Yeah, well look... [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me? Dwight dwight What are you? A monk? Phyllis phyllis I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars. Dwight dwight Ass. Phyllis phyllis Hey. Michael michael Michael. Oscar oscar You guys excited about the party? Michael michael Yeah. Angela angela It's gonna be fun. Michael michael Yeah. Kevin kevin Yes. Angela angela [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. Michael michael What are you implying? Oscar oscar All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such? Michael michael You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night. Angela angela Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good? Michael michael Yeah. Angela angela Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. Michael michael But we don't keep two sets of books. Angela angela Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it. Michael michael Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. Michael michael Why is that? Kelly kelly "Bend It Like Beckham." Michael michael Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? Kelly kelly [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect. Michael michael Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything. Kelly kelly Well, I don't really have two heads. So... Michael michael Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing] Dwight dwight Okay, greatest strength. Pam pam Okay, okay... Jim jim A dog-like obedience to authority Pam pam Nice. Jim jim But that doesn't sound good. Pam pam Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types] Jim jim Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India. Jim jim He's a gun nut. Pam pam Um. He sticks to his guns. Jim jim Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department... Angela angela Yes? Oscar oscar ... that has three people... Angela angela Yeah? Oscar oscar ... doing the work that could be done by two. Angela angela This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh. Oscar oscar Yeah. Oh. Kevin kevin Who do you think it should be? Michael michael Jim. Definitely. Dwight dwight No, Jim brings in money. Michael michael Phyllis. Dwight dwight Eh. Michael michael Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. Dwight dwight It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. Michael michael One of the warehouse guys. Dwight dwight [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who? Michael michael Who is he saying? Dwight dwight You're right, I didn't even think of him. Michael michael No, Michael. Dwight dwight Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. Michael michael No, not me. Dwight dwight Yeah... I could. Michael michael Not Dwight. Dwight dwight I'm not saying that's what he said. Michael michael I know that's what he said. Dwight dwight [listening to his head] What? Michael michael Tell him, not Dwight. Dwight dwight That is not a very nice thing to say about him. Michael michael Tell him to stop. Dwight dwight Are you kidding? Michael michael Quiet, you. Dwight dwight I agree. He'd land on his feet. Michael michael Make him be quiet. Dwight dwight Those aren't chips and dip. Angela angela No, I made brownies. Pam pam Uh! Angela angela ... What? Pam pam I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things. Angela angela I made brownies. Pam pam And I made cookies. Same category. Angela angela I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. Pam pam [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott. Pam pam Um... Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay. Jim jim Stanley, could you come with me, please. Dwight dwight No. Stanley stanley As Assistant Regional Manager... Dwight dwight To the. Stanley stanley Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry. Dwight dwight [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone. Stanley stanley So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it? Michael michael He wouldn't listen to me Dwight dwight Ahh, come on. Michael michael If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself. Dwight dwight I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... [waves Dwight away] Michael michael [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? Dwight dwight Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. Dwight dwight Oh... hey. Oscar oscar Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just... Ryan ryan Oh. [fixes his dress] Oscar oscar [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... [stops and hangs up phone.] Dwight dwight Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real. Pam pam Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job. Pam pam Um... it's in Maryland. Jim jim Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge. Pam pam Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [starts walking away] Jim jim Jim... Pam pam This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael's office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? Dwight dwight Oh, God. Michael michael I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills. Dwight dwight Fantastic! Michael michael And I turned it down. Dwight dwight What?! That would've solved all my problems. Michael michael Out of loyalty to this company... Dwight dwight Oh, you idiot. Michael michael ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially. Dwight dwight If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. Michael michael But then you wouldn't have me here. Dwight dwight Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back? Michael michael It's in Maryland. Dwight dwight You can call. Can you call 'em? Michael michael I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway. Dwight dwight Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God. Michael michael Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma. Jim jim [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head] Can I speak to you a minute? Michael michael Um... yes. Jim jim Michael, I really didn't mean to... Jim jim Help. Me. Michael michael I'm sorry? Jim jim I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it. Michael michael Oh, you want me to be you? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim I want you to be me, and I will be Creed. Michael michael Oh, are you firing Creed? Jim jim No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head. Michael michael We should switch seats in order to... Jim jim Yes, that's a good idea. Michael michael Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal... Jim jim Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself! Michael michael Wow. Jim jim I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault! Michael michael That's an overreaction. Jim jim Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month. Michael michael Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you... Jim jim I... this is Creed. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] Michael michael Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought. Jim jim And I'm very angry, and I want... Michael michael [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here. Jim jim I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me. Michael michael Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth... Jim jim Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.[sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.] Just, just... yeah. Michael michael What happened? Pam pam It wasn't me. Jim jim Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was... Pam pam Yeah, I know. Jim jim Uh, hey... Creed? Michael michael Huh? Creed creed Could I talk to you for a second? Michael michael You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop. Michael michael What are you telling me? Creed creed I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better. Michael michael No, I don't. I wanna stay right here. Creed creed No, you wanna leave. Michael michael No, I wanna stay here. Creed creed Why... why are you making this so hard? Michael michael Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael. Creed creed I think you're right. Michael michael Can I go? Creed creed No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye. Michael michael Let's fight it. Creed creed Hmm? Michael michael Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. Creed creed What old days? What are you talking about? Michael michael Did you start the paperwork yet? Creed creed It's right here on the desk, yeah. Michael michael You don't have to do this, Michael. Creed creed I can't, I can't... Michael michael Undo it! Creed creed I can't change anything. This is the way... Michael michael No, you have the power to undo it. Creed creed I don't... okay, just listen. Michael michael Michael, undo it! Creed creed Don't... Michael michael Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? Michael michael I have to fire someone today, okay? Michael michael Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. Creed creed Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. Michael michael No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. Creed creed Don't... Michael michael Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good. Creed creed Devon, could I talk to you for a sec? Michael michael Creed's an idiot, you know that. Devon devon Well, he... Michael michael No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time. Devon devon Well, maybe I did. Michael michael Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. Devon devon Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot. Michael michael That's why I'm being fired? Devon devon No. Michael michael So you might not look like an idiot? Devon devon No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... Michael michael This is unbelievable! Devon devon I just hope that you and I can remain friends. Michael michael Devon, wait, please. Michael michael What! Devon devon Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings. Michael michael [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell! Devon devon [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party? Angela angela Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. Pam pam [motions for her to follow him] Come on. Jim jim That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food. Jim jim I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year. Michael michael [ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo] Trick or treat! Children children He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great. Michael michael I'm a bumble bee. Kid kid You look great! And you're a princess? Michael michael A fairy princess. Kid kid A fairy princess. You're very... . Michael michael I'm a lion. Kid kid You're a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these. Michael michael Hey, you. Big Jim. And Phyllis. Working hard, Phyllis? Michael michael Mmm-hmm. Phyllis phyllis Of course. You're always working hard. Michael michael Thanks. Phyllis phyllis Keep it up. And there's Stanley. No costume? Well, no, not trying to fit in. I wish I had your confidence, I really do. Michael michael Something wrong, Michael? Stanley stanley No, no. What could possibly be wrong? Everything's great. Just keep living your lives. Everything's gonna be fine. [sighing] You are all such wonderful, innocent people. Michael michael Hey, Jim. Toby toby What's up, Hef? Jim jim Michael? Toby toby What? What? Michael michael Michael, do you have the name of the employee you're letting go? I'd like to start working on out-placement. Toby toby Fine. If you are so anxious to see a head roll, it's you. There. You brought it on yourself. Too bad. Can't say that I'm sorry. It's a relief. Michael michael I don't report to you, Michael. I report to the head of HR in New York. Toby toby You asked for a name, I gave you a name. Now you're not doing your job. Why don't you just resign? Michael michael They would just send someone else. You need to have an HR representative. Toby toby Just know that if I could have fired you, I would have. Michael michael I know, Michael. Toby toby I'm going to have to do this Sopranos-style. Just whack him. Guys, could you take the freight elevator, please? Michael michael Hey, you wanna see a really messy show? Follow us around. Come to our office. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker You know what? That's my foot. Michael michael Ass, ass, ass... Vance Refrigeration Worker #2 vance-refrigeration-worker You guys... Michael michael ...ass, ass, ass, ass, ass... Vance Refrigeration Worker #2 vance-refrigeration-worker Hi, Mom! Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker I will handle it in the best way possible, but in case he or she goes postal, you will be available to subdue. Am I correct? Michael michael Who is it? Hank hank I don't know. Hey, are you on our payroll or are you employed by the building? Michael michael Building. Hank hank Oh, shoot. Okay, well, just have your pepper spray ready. Michael michael You're on your own. Hank hank All right. All right, this is it. By the time I get back to our floor, I will have decided. [elevator bell dings] Wow, that's a fast elevator. Michael michael I have a proposal, everybody. Listen up. Now, Corporate has been really breathing down my neck to make some pay cuts, but I refuse to fire anyone. So, I was thinking that maybe all of you would take a 10% pay cut and that would save the money. Yeah? Michael michael Yeah, We're not doing that. I have kids in college. Make a decision. Stanley stanley Okay, great. Fine. Well, then, if anyone is annoyed later at what goes down, you know who to blame. Stanley. Not the guy who was trying to be creative. [turns around to find Toby standing behind him] Michael michael Michael, it's almost 5:00. Toby toby Leave me alone, okay? Michael michael Do you want some coffee? Michael michael No, no. I had some, thanks. Creed creed [slurping] Oh, wow. How long have you worked here? How many years, Creed? Michael michael Fifteen years, I think. Creed creed Yeah, that's right. Fifteen years and three months. Wow, you were hired before I was. Must be thinking about retirement. Michael michael Oh, no. I need the money. Creed creed Why? Michael michael What do you mean, "Why?" Creed creed It's just that you never got married and you live in an apartment. Michael michael I don't know. I got nephews. Creed creed Yeah. Michael michael Yeah. Yeah. And I buy them stuff, you know. Oh, made some bad investments. Why are you asking me this? Creed creed Just trying to be your friend. Michael michael Well, you never asked me about my life before, is all. Creed creed Of course, I did. I always... Yes, I do. Michael michael Do you have something specific you wanted to talk to me about? Creed creed Are you pulling my leg or... Michael michael No. Creed creed You have no clue why I've asked you in here? Michael michael I do not. Creed creed Oh, here we go. This... um, here's the deal. Michael michael Yes. Actually, I have. I have been on a hunting trip. I shot a deer in the leg. I had to... I had to hit him, I had to hit him with a shovel for about an hour, so he... That's good eating, though. Venison's very gamey. It's hard to watch, though. It's hard to... It's hard to hit another living thing in the face with a shovel for about an hour. That... I haven't been hunting since then. I, I... 'Cause that's, you know, where's the joy in that? Where's the... There's no sport, really. Especially when you're the one with the shovel. And they're the one just lying there. Um... I would have rather hit it with my car or something and just... I was just smacking the hell out of that thing. That was a mess. And we just left him there. I didn't eat it. I didn't want to eat that. That guy. Why do you ask? Michael michael [on the phone] This is Jan. Jan jan His name was Devon. Michael michael Excuse me? Jan jan The human being man's name was Devon. Michael michael Devon. The... Oh, is this the man that you... Jan jan [talking over Jan] Yes, yes, yes. Michael michael The person that you fired, Michael? Jan jan Yes, it is. Michael michael Is that what you're... Okay. Oh, you sound a little... A little upset. Jan jan Uh, well, I am. A little. Justifiably. My Halloween is ruined. Michael michael Well, I have to say that I am impressed, Michael. I know... I know how hard that was. Jan jan Do you? I don't think you do. Devon was one of my best buddies. And now he hates me. Michael michael Well, I'm glad you did it, Michael. Jan jan [talking over Jan] You're glad? Michael michael And so, good job. Good job. Jan jan Thanks. Thanks so much. You think it was good? Michael michael Yeah. Good job. Jan jan [talking over Jan] Think I did a good job? Great. I feel good. I'm gonna give myself a pat on the back. Michael michael [talking over Michael] Yup. Yes. Jan jan There. I'm doing it. Right there. Great. Michael michael You're supposed to be a cat? Dwight dwight Yes. Angela angela You know, guys, Michael has really incredible decision-making abilities. Michael's really incredible at making decisions. Creed creed [camera pans over, Michael is sitting in a chair] Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Michael michael Pussy. Here, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Here, pussy, pussy. Meow. Dwight dwight You people are revolting. By far, the least popular people here. I should have fired you. Who knew Devon was so popular and had so many friends. So well-loved. Michael michael I feel like I made the right choice. Things happen for a reason. I wasn't destined to go to Cumberland Mills. Just like Anakin Skywalker was destined to become Darth Vader, I am destined to sell paper here at Dunder Mifflin. That's what I was put on this earth to do. Dwight dwight