[clears throat] Hey, what's up? Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Any emails today? Michael michael Um... I don't think so. Jim jim No? Um... Check your spam folder. Michael michael Oh! There it is! Jim jim What? Michael michael Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.' Jim jim [laughs uncontrollably] Michael michael Well done. Jim jim Kay. Michael michael Topical. Jim jim I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer. Michael michael So the monkey does the sex thing right here! [monkey noises in background] Dwight dwight That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational. Michael michael Do you want the link because then you could forward it around? Dwight dwight Um, I... Michael michael Consider it? Dwight dwight Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... [muffled by jacket over his head] Whup! Come on! Hey! Michael michael What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? [points at self] This guy! Todd Packer todd-packer Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah! Michael michael [makes laser gun noises] Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him. Michael michael bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert? Todd Packer todd-packer Uh oh. Michael michael Still queer? Todd Packer todd-packer Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o! Michael michael Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So... Michael michael Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why. Michael michael Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent. Todd Packer todd-packer Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one! Michael michael We're talking blonde incompetent. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, yeah. Michael michael Like 10 words a minute... talking. Todd Packer todd-packer Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there. Michael michael They are women, right? Todd Packer todd-packer Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it! Michael michael I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button. Michael michael Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? [points at self] This guy! Jim jim Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation? Todd Packer todd-packer Oh. Bad boy. [to Ryan] Um... Ryan? [makes Donald Duck noise] Michael michael [to Ryan] Come on, kid. Let's go. Todd Packer todd-packer Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything. Michael michael Except pass that breathalyzer. Jim jim You a big William Hung fan? Ryan ryan Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that? Todd Packer todd-packer [monkey noises] {Kevin}'s Computer kevin I'm really excited to meet your Mom. Jim jim You are? Pam pam My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in. Pam pam I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody. Pam pam Oh yeah? Jim jim mmhmm. Pam pam Good. Cause I have a lot of questions. Jim jim Oh really? Pam pam Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist? Jim jim Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot. Michael michael Yes! Dwight dwight Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School". Michael michael Michael? Toby toby Yes, Toby? Michael michael Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds. Toby toby Um... literally two seconds? Michael michael Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family. Michael michael The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy. Toby toby No, no, Toby. No. Michael michael It's really not a big deal, Michael. Toby toby It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on! Michael michael And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer... Toby toby What? Michael michael Just to refresh you... . Toby toby NO! Michael michael on our policy. Toby toby What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes? Michael michael Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones. Toby toby There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. Michael michael Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away. Michael michael Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later. Toby toby I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it. Michael michael A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake. Michael michael Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. [to Warehouse guys] Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got? Michael michael Like a joke? A knock-knock joke? Darryl darryl Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day. Michael michael Well, [points at Michael] those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us? Darryl darryl Boys R Us! Roy roy Oh! Warehouse Guy warehouse-guy Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense. Michael michael Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with. Darryl darryl Oooh, okay. That was still about me. Michael michael Hey, hey, hey. Roy roy What? Michael michael So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad. Roy roy I don't feel bad. Michael michael [fake whispers to Roy] I think he feels bad. Darryl darryl No, I don't. Michael michael You look like you feel bad. Roy roy Okay. Michael michael Little package! Roy roy Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys. Michael michael Little package! Little package! Warehouse Guy warehouse-guy Thank you. Michael michael You look good. Roy roy Hiding from his momma. Darryl darryl [kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds] Warehouse Guys warehouse-guy So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam? Toby toby Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today. Pam pam MILF! Kevin kevin Thanks, Kevin. Pam pam Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke. Pam pam She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her. Pam pam Great point. Toby toby Thank you. Pam pam Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back. Toby toby Hi, is it over? Michael michael Uh, yes! Toby toby No. Michael michael I can go over it with you. Toby toby I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over. Michael michael It's over. Toby toby Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously? Michael michael Email forwards. Angela angela Exactly! Mmwwah [blows kiss to Angela]! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that? Michael michael I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck. Angela angela Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away? Michael michael That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now. Stanley stanley Um... what about office romance? Meredith meredith Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR. Toby toby All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand? Phyllis phyllis I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have. Michael michael Yeah, Meredith. Dwight dwight No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? Michael michael Yes. Dwight dwight She would have definitely slept with me. Michael michael She wasn't that hot. Kevin kevin Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin! Michael michael Ok, you know, Michael... Toby toby I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it. Jim jim What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? [to Toby] Would that be crossing the line? Michael michael No. Toby toby What if they made out? In front of everybody? Michael michael Well, that would be... Toby toby At home? And I told everybody everything about it. Michael michael Okay, I'm lost. Toby toby Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam? Michael michael [Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace] Video video I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim? Michael michael No, thanks. I'm good. Jim jim That's what she said. Pam? Michael michael Uh... my mother's coming. Pam pam That's what she sai [clears throat] Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself. Michael michael Hey, Toby. Dwight dwight Hey Dwight. Toby toby You said that we could come to you if we had any questions. Dwight dwight Sure. Toby toby Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? Dwight dwight Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly. Toby toby Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that. Toby toby Good. Good. And... Dwight dwight I should get back to work. Toby toby Okay. Dwight dwight In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?' Man in Video man-in-video [Scenario 1: Video video [to cell phone] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. [to Pam] Hi. Jan jan Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure. Michael michael Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour. Todd Packer todd-packer I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks. Pam pam Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably. Todd Packer todd-packer So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes. Michael michael I love lawyer jokes. Mr. O'Malley mr-omalley Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em. Michael michael When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another. Michael michael You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem? Jan jan The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything. Michael michael Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything. Jan jan Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan. Michael michael Do you need to see the video again, Michael? Jan jan No, I've seen the video. Michael michael [to Jan] He talked the whole time. Toby toby No, I didn't. [to Jan] Huh, what? [everyone looks up at blow-up doll] Michael michael Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things. Michael michael Does that include 'That's What She Said'? Jim jim Mmmhmm. Yes. Michael michael Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... Jim jim THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Michael michael Michael. MICHAEL! Jan jan [laughing] Come on. Michael michael Michael, please. Jan jan There he is. Todd Packer todd-packer Mwah! [kisses hand and salutes office] Michael michael There he is. Good one. Todd Packer todd-packer You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first. Michael michael Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really. Jan jan It's... That's... Michael michael That's not my sense of humor. Jan jan Okay. [to man entering office] Hello. [introduces] Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny. Michael michael Wha... Jan jan I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues. Michael michael [to camera] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits. Albiny albiny This guy does it all. Michael michael [to Albiny] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. [to Michael] Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer. Jan jan What? Michael michael Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself. Jan jan So I'm not in trouble? Michael michael I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems. Michael michael Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so... Michael michael Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here. Albiny albiny I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in. Michael michael Um... hello. Helene helene [ecstatic] Oh my god! Pam pam Finally made it! Helene helene Hello! Pam pam I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever. Pam pam This is all yours? Helene helene Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area. Pam pam Oh, my goodness. That's great. Helene helene So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" [men laugh] Boom! Todd Packer todd-packer This is where I used to keep my computer. Pam pam Oh, right! I remember... Helene helene But then I moved it. Pam pam with the picture. Helene helene Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So... Pam pam Sure. Helene helene So this is like, um, an organization station... Pam pam [to Roy] Oooooh! Helene helene Hey! Pam pam Well, there he is! Helene helene How are ya? Roy roy Hi, handsome! Helene helene You look great! Roy roy Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner? Helene helene Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time. Pam pam Oh, I don't believe that. Helene helene Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies? Roy roy Oh, anything is fine. Helene helene All right, I'll see ya. Roy roy So which one is Jim? Helene helene Mom! Pam pam I just wanted to know. Helene helene No. Pam pam All right. Okay. Helene helene Ten minutes. Pam pam Okay. Helene helene Then we can go to dinner. Pam pam I'll make myself busy. Helene helene There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [points at Phyllis] Todd Packer todd-packer Phyllis? Kevin kevin No. No, no, no. That crosses the line. Michael michael Ex-squeeze me? Todd Packer todd-packer Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin. Michael michael Packer said it. Kevin kevin No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother. Michael michael I'm the same age as you, Michael. Phyllis phyllis I don't know about that. Michael michael We're in the same High School class. Phyllis phyllis Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. [to Kevin] You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner. Michael michael You mean where my desk is? Kevin kevin Yes, your corner. Go. Michael michael Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway. Kevin kevin Mmmhmmm. Michael michael Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they? Todd Packer todd-packer They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. [to Phyllis] C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on. Michael michael Michael! Come on! Phyllis phyllis Oooh! Michael michael You don't have to worry. I'm not going to... Phyllis phyllis I'm not worried. Michael michael ...report you to HR. Phyllis phyllis You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody. Michael michael Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to. Michael michael He said what? Pam pam Good morning, Pam. Michael michael Good morning, Michael. Pam pam What's going on? Michael michael Nothing. You look nice today. Pam pam What? Michael michael You look real thin. Pam pam I don't get what you mean. Michael michael You just... You look good. Your shirt looks... You look real good. Pam pam Well, you said I looked thin, so what does... Does that mean I'm like thin weird or thin handsome or... [laughing] Michael michael Thin handsome, Michael. Pam pam Yes, well, of course. Of course. [laughing] Michael michael Wait, Jim, no! Don't drink directly from the can. Okay, I'm serious. It's all over the Internet. They use the same shipping company as a rat poison, and it gets on the can. [Jim takes a drink] Well, you're an idiot. Dwight dwight What can I say, Dwight, I live a very dangerous life. Jim jim [Email chiming] [snickers] Did you see that? Kevin kevin I saw it. Oscar oscar You can see her... Kevin kevin It's fake. Angela angela How do you know? Kevin kevin She wouldn't do that. She's a Senator. Angela angela Office romance. For example, Pam and I are dating, do we have to disclose that? Michael michael We're not dating. Pam pam No, but I'm saying hypothetically if we were dating... Michael michael We're not dating, I'm engaged. Pam pam Well, Roy is dead, and I ask you out. Michael michael I would say no. Pam pam You say yes, and we go out. Michael michael I would drown myself. Pam pam And now Roy and Pam are dead, and we have your stupid rules to blame, Toby. Michael michael Toby actually gets alimony from his ex-wife because she makes more, so that's kind of embarrassing. Not that I'd mind, but it would never happen to me because I would make the marriage work. People seem to like him because they think he's one of us, but he's not. He's this weird loner who just tells people, "Don't do this, don't do that. Hire this person for this reason." I would complain about him, but who would I go to, to complain about Toby? Toby. Bias. And what does he do about that? Nothing. Because he's Toby. What kind of name is that? It's almost a girl's name. I think I've known more girls named Toby than guys. He just kind of makes my skin crawl a little bit. Toby is the devil. Toby's the devil. Michael michael Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim I know we're having that harassment thing this afternoon. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Sometimes when we IM, I send you that little winking face with the lipstick. Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim Yeah. I realize that might be harassment. Pam pam Yes, it is harassment and I'm going to be suing the winking face. I've hired the angry face as my lawyer and you will be hearing from him pretty soon. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Okay. [IM chiming] [laughing] Jim jim