Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies. Michael michael I'm not making any copies. Pam pam Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway. Michael michael Nothing new. Pam pam Lay them on me. What? Michael michael There's nothing new. Pam pam That's not what you said earlier. Michael michael Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... [nods toward camera] Pam pam The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist. Michael michael So, which health plan have you decided on? Jan jan I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works. Michael michael Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael? Jan jan I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan. Michael michael The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan. Jan jan Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good. Michael michael Michael. Jan jan You gotta crack these things open. Michael michael You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan. Jan jan Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice. Michael michael It's your job. So... Jan jan Well, it's a suicide mission, you know. Michael michael Michael... maybe... I mean... Jan jan There, there... Michael michael Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time. Jan jan [scoffs] When have you ever done that? Michael michael I'm doing it right now. To you. Jan jan Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it? Jim jim No. I have a life. Pam pam Interesting, what's that like? Jim jim You should try it sometime. Pam pam Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is... Jim jim [laughs]... your problem. Pam pam Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah. Michael michael There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers. Michael michael Gosh. Jim jim Yeah! Michael michael That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this? Jim jim Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. Jim jim Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. Dwight dwight Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. Jim jim OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? Dwight dwight Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan. Michael michael OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine. Dwight dwight You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace. Michael michael [to self] Yes, I have an office. [to camera] Bigger than his. Dwight dwight Nope, you cannot use it. Michael michael OK, I take it back, it's a workspace. Dwight dwight Temporary workspace. You can use it. Michael michael Thank you. Dwight dwight If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already. Michael michael What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. Dwight dwight In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. Dwight dwight There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible. Stanley stanley Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam [on phone] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks? Michael michael Where are you? Pam pam Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there? Michael michael Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the... Pam pam Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call. Michael michael No you're not. Pam pam I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce? Michael michael OK. Pam pam Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this. Michael michael Still no one calling. Pam pam Dwight, what... Pam pam Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office. Dwight dwight It says "workspace". Jim jim Same thing. Dwight dwight If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"? Jim jim Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior. Dwight dwight You are not my superior. Jim jim Oh gee, then why do I have an office? Dwight dwight I thought it was a workspace? Jim jim OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan? Pam pam Yes. And my decision in final. Dwight dwight This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything. Pam pam Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it. Dwight dwight You cut more than you had to, didn't you? Jim jim Sure. Dwight dwight Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance? Jim jim Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system. Dwight dwight OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies. Jim jim I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. Dwight dwight Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? Pam pam So I can lower it. Dwight dwight He literally won't come out of his office. Oscar oscar He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom. Kevin kevin Kevin! That's inappropriate. Angela angela Michael, can I talk to you? Oscar oscar Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? Michael michael Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo? Meredith meredith Ah, what? Which memo? Michael michael Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it. Pam pam Is it a good plan? Michael michael It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune. Dwight dwight It's like a pay decrease. Oscar oscar Michael, he made huge cuts. Pam pam Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts? Michael michael Yeah, you said... Dwight dwight No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK? Michael michael I can handle that. Dwight dwight OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right? Michael michael This is not good. Oscar oscar It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him? Angela angela What was that? Oscar oscar You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic. Angela angela What are you guys talking about? Kevin kevin Nothing, Kevin. Angela angela Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him. Michael michael OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do. Dwight dwight OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential. Jim jim OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office. Dwight dwight Workspace. Jim jim You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. Michael michael Where are you going? Pam pam Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. [Giggles] Couldn't find the knob. Michael michael So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend. Michael michael I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe? Travel Agent travel-agent Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so... Michael michael Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both. Jim jim I'm inventing new diseases. Pam pam Oh, great. Jim jim So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? Pam pam I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion. Jim jim Nice. Pam pam Thank you. Jim jim [on his cell phone] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride. Michael michael You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride. Man on Phone man-on-phone Its says here that it's a 300ft drop. Michael michael It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly. Man on Phone man-on-phone So it's not a free fall? Michael michael It's an industrial coal elevator. Man on Phone man-on-phone Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something? Michael michael OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway? Michael michael Damnit! Damnit Jim! Dwight dwight All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. Dwight dwight What are you talking about? Jim jim Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony. Dwight dwight OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? Jim jim Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. Dwight dwight You did this, didn't you? Dwight dwight Absolutely not. Jim jim Yes you did. Dwight dwight No I didn't. Jim jim I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one! Dwight dwight Killer nanorobots? Jim jim It's an epidemic. Pam pam The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. [reads off of paper] "Count Choculitis" Dwight dwight Sounds tough. Jim jim Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Dwight dwight Do you? Jim jim I think you need to confess... Dwight dwight Mmm hmm. Jim jim ...the fact... Dwight dwight Yep. Jim jim What are you doing? Those are my keys. Dwight dwight Good luck. [closes door and locks it] Jim jim Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley] Dwight dwight [looks at keys, continues talking on phone] ...the light green or green... Stanley stanley [answering phone] Jim Halpert. Jim jim Let me out. Dwight dwight Who is this? Jim jim Let me out or you're fired. Dwight dwight No, you can't fire me. Jim jim Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk. Dwight dwight OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. [presses button on phone]] Jim Halpert. Jim jim [on phone] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. Pam pam Hey Pam! How are you? Jim jim Jim! Open the door! Dwight dwight Good, how are you? Busy? Pam pam I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to? Jim jim Jim! Dwight dwight Um, I'm not bothering you, am I? Pam pam No, not at all. Jim jim You don't have anything you're doing? Pam pam I have nothing to do. Jim jim Jim! Dwight dwight Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything. Pam pam Jim! Dwight dwight Oh yeah? Jim jim I might go to the mall. Pam pam The mall? Jim jim Jim! Dwight dwight I need new shoes. Pam pam Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes? Jim jim Hello? Jan jan Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould. Dwight dwight This is Jan. Jan jan Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert. Dwight dwight Who is this? Jan jan Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight From sales? Jan jan Well... Dwight dwight Where's Michael Scott? Jan jan He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office. Dwight dwight Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand? Jan jan That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan. Dwight dwight Really? Jan jan Yeah. Dwight dwight OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. Jan jan Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim? Dwight dwight No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again. Jan jan Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... [dial tone] Dwight dwight Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! [laughs] Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism. Michael michael Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the... Ryan ryan Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly. Michael michael Oh, thanks. Stanley stanley There you go. Michael michael This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day. Stanley stanley Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it. Michael michael Michael. Michael? Dwight dwight [under his breath] Oh, Christ. Michael michael I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options. Dwight dwight I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered. Dwight dwight What about confidentiality? Stanley stanley You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis. Dwight dwight Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered. Meredith meredith I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy? Dwight dwight A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina. Meredith meredith OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures? Dwight dwight That's a real thing. Kevin kevin Yeah, but no one here has it. Dwight dwight Someone has it. Kevin kevin Do you think we should go ? Kevin kevin I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... [spots Michael through the blinds] There he is. Oscar oscar What is he doing? Kevin kevin I don't know. Oscar oscar Well? Oscar oscar Well, what? You could be referring to anything. Michael michael OK, the health care plan. Oscar oscar Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job. Pam pam Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits? Michael michael I most certainly did not. Dwight dwight Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? [looks at watch] Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday. Michael michael What about the surprise? Angela angela Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is? Michael michael We all think you don't have a surprise. Stanley stanley All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! Michael michael When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. Michael michael [clapping hands] God, yeah... Ah! This... Michael michael Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. Michael michael Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her. Dwight dwight [heated discussion in the 'Dwight Schrute Workspace', door opens] I did not dismiss you. Dwight dwight Well, you have no right to ask those questions. Oscar oscar You came into my office voluntarily. Dwight dwight Because I don't want my benefits slashed. Oscar oscar Well, maybe they won't get slashed if you answer all my questions. Dwight dwight I'm reporting you. Oscar oscar You know when ever a worker is promoted above their peers there's always going to be a little bit of jealousy. Uh, it's natural. And that's going to lead to goofing off and that's okay that's fine. As long as they are willing to suffer the consequences. Dwight dwight Michael I need to talk to you. Oscar oscar Sorry, too busy can't even come to the door. Michael michael [opens door] Michael. Oscar oscar Yeah, no... [hurries to get up from chair] Michael michael Michael, Michael I... [blinds rustle] ... inside. Oscar oscar You know what. I, um, I'm out the door. I'm going to a meeting. Pam, I'm headed out to another meeting. So see you later. Uh, here we go. Michael michael We stole Dwight's trashcan and she found some of his early attempts at his sign. Pam pam Okay, here's uh, this is very simple. "Dwight's Workspace," nice. Jim jim Mmm hmm. Pam pam Um, this one interesting the power comes from the font in this one. "Schrute Space," very medieval, very England. Um, this one's forceful, this one's very Dwight. "Quiet! Dwight Schrute Working," it's good. Jim jim Mmm hmm. Pam pam I really heard him on that. This one's interesting I'm not really sure what he meant by this. Um, "Dwight Schrute Privates." Tough to say. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Okay, you know what, Dwight. What if you got a really serious disease like Ebola. Jim jim Psssh, no. Dwight dwight Well, it could happen. Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak? Jim jim Yeah. Well, have you ever seen the movie Unbreakable? 'Cause that guy couldn't get sick, just like me. Dwight dwight Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Sixth Sense? Maybe you are already dead. Jim jim Unlikely. Dwight dwight You promise these are confidential? Pam pam 100%. Dwight dwight Did you just mark on that? Pam pam I don't think so, no. Dwight dwight You made a "P." Pam pam Wrong. [walks away] Thank you Jim. Kevin. Stanley. [whispering] Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. Pam, Jim, Kevin, Stanley. You finished? Dwight dwight Oh, yeah. Here's the rest of them. Oscar oscar That was... unauthorized. Dwight dwight Well, it is time to call in a little favor. A buddy of mine runs this tourist attraction, actually it's big. It's probably one of the most popular in the state. So... Michael michael Hello. Man on Phone man-on-phone [on his cell phone] Hey, hey Craigers, my man! It is Michael Scott here. [silence] Dunder Mifflin, we supply your office paper. Michael michael Oh, I think we already did our order this month. Man on Phone man-on-phone No, no, no, no. No, actually to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, here's the deal. Um, trying to give the troops here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could bring them down to go on your big ride. Michael michael You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride. Man on Phone man-on-phone Well, it says here that it's a 300ft drop. Michael michael Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly. Man on Phone man-on-phone So it's not a free fall? Michael michael It's an industrial coal elevator. Man on Phone man-on-phone Uh, okay. So um, once you get down into the mine, what do you do? Is it like, uh... Do you have laser tag down there or something? Michael michael No, you just look around. It's a historically preserved coal mine. Man on Phone man-on-phone That's it? Michael michael Well, there's the adjacent Anthracite Heritage Museum. They got some really interesting old mining tools. There's also a photo mural exhibit. Uh, bat guano sculpture. [Michael hangs up cell phone] Man on Phone man-on-phone Uh, he's a small client. They don't really buy much. Michael michael Why do you want health care, Pam? Hmm? Why do you want it? Dwight dwight In case I get sick. Pam pam Why don't you just go ahead and use Roy's health care plan, huh? Dwight dwight Because we're not married. Pam pam But you're engaged. Aren't you and maybe you've set a date for the wedding, hmm? And because you know you're going to get married you don't have to take our health care plan seriously. Dwight dwight We haven't set a date. [Dwight laughs] Pam pam You really expect me to believe you haven't set a date? I think you have. Sure Pam, sure. But you know what, you've been engaged for three years and I know you've set a date. And you know what else, I know you've got coverage under Roy and I know that you wrote down those fake diseases. Admit it. Admit it, Pam. Dwight dwight Shut up, Dwight. Pam pam You wrote down... I didn't give you permission to.. I didn't... Dwight dwight I'm not talking to you anymore. Pam pam Dwight, I uh, I have something to confess. Jim jim You're doing the right thing. Go ahead. What 's your confession? Dwight dwight Um... Jim jim Let it out. Dwight dwight You're a jackass. Jim jim Okay. You wanna do this the hard way. We'll do this the hard way. You wrote down those fake diseases didn't you? Dwight dwight No. Was that the hard way? Jim jim I know you did. Dwight dwight Well, then why are you wasting everybody else's time interrogating them? Jim jim Well, because I want to know who wrote those diseases down. Dwight dwight Right. Jim jim You want you to take this pen and this piece of paper and write this down. Write this down. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim I, Jim Halpert... Dwight dwight Wait, slow down. Jim jim ...confess to health care fraud. Dwight dwight One second 'cause that sounds really good. Is jackass one word or two? [Dwight sighs] One, right? 'Cause, 'cause of the show, it's one. Jim jim One word. Dwight dwight I've really learned from the greats. The great improvisers, Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, uh, the Brady guy not so much. He's more the signing, Wayne Brady. Um, Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. [as Robin Williams] "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. [as Robin Williams] "That's Good morning, Vietnam!" Well, hello to you. You know it would be... God. And you know what, sometimes when I'm watching somebody like um, like Jay Leno. He'll be half way through his step [snaps his fingers] And I will already be laughing at the punch line. He hasn't even gotten to it. He doesn't even know what it is it. So it's fun, you know it's fun having a mind that works like that. That is just a few steps ahead of... comedically ahead of like what's going on. Like I'll watch T.V. and I'll be watching a show and I will think, oh, I know someone's gonna walk in here right now and say something funny. And then they do. Or, um, I know they'll be like oh boy that person deserved to be slammed down. There's going to be some sort of insult. And there is. You know, there's like, "Oh you're... God your butt is fat." And I knew it. I know it's like I knew they were going to say that. I knew they were gonna go there. Don't go there. Um, but other... You know it's like uh, you know Leno, um and Letterman, Carson, you know. Need I say more? No. Michael michael Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her. Dwight dwight We're all going bowling! Michael michael