[previously on The Office...] None none I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success. Michael michael I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy. Michael michael [holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.' Michael michael How's Jim? Karen karen We're engaged. Pam pam Oh my God, I'm so happy for you! Karen karen Oh, wow, thank you! Pam pam You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She's the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. Michael michael ... Okay, let's go. Pam pam [Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two? Oscar oscar I didn't eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn't eat all my lunch. Kevin kevin [enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good. Angela angela It... yeah. Kevin kevin Angela, you're more chipper than usual. Oscar oscar I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. Angela angela How much? Meredith meredith Seven thousand dollars. Angela angela For a cat? I could get you a kid for that. Creed creed Where'd you get that kind of money? Oscar oscar I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay. Angela angela Wait, you didn't give it back? Kevin kevin He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady! Angela angela Seven grand? Meredith meredith Mm-hmm. Angela angela I gotta see that little bitch. Meredith meredith I have something better than a picture. Come on. Angela angela You have your cats on Nanny-Cam? Oscar oscar Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year. Angela angela She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation. Meredith meredith Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone. Angela angela Any cat, you mean. Kevin kevin And person. Angela angela So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I've been driving too long. Pam pam [shouts from another room] What did you do? Dwight dwight Stop yelling at me! Kelly kelly What did you do? Dwight dwight I didn't do anything! Kelly kelly What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm? Dwight dwight Hey! What the hell's goin' on? Jim jim Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15. Dwight dwight I was kickin' it. Kelly kelly In juvie. Dwight dwight What? Jim jim Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers! Dwight dwight Yep. Jim jim For reha- Dwight dwight Got it. Jim jim What did you do? Huh? Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy. Jim jim Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do? Dwight dwight My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday! Kelly kelly I thought you said yesterday was your birthday! Dwight dwight Hey, you know what? I got you a cake. Jim jim You did? I wanna see the cake. Kelly kelly And... ta da. Jim jim I hate it. Kelly kelly How do you hate it? It's a cake. Jim jim Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or-- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly! Kelly kelly Right. Jim jim I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." I still don't know. Jim jim I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?! Kelly kelly Birthday. Jim jim Frosting. Dwight dwight Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out] Kelly kelly There's always a theme. Phyllis phyllis Nice job on the cake, Bozo! Dwight dwight Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl. Jim jim [taking Michael's picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah. Pam pam Do I look okay? Michael michael You look good. Pam pam Hi. Michael michael Hi, can I help you? Receptionist receptionist Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch. Michael michael Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat. Receptionist receptionist Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here? Michael michael Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days. Receptionist receptionist Oh- She's not here? Michael michael But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here. Receptionist receptionist A.J. Michael michael Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there. Receptionist receptionist She has a boyfriend. Michael michael I'm so sorry, Michael. Pam pam How could she do this to me, Pam? Michael michael She's not doing it to hurt you. Pam pam I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face] Michael michael Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but- Pam pam I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales] Michael michael You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing. Pam pam And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die. Michael michael Yeah, maybe. Pam pam [laughs] Michael michael Maybe. One step at a time. Pam pam [sighs] Michael michael You can do this. Pam pam I can do this. Michael michael It could be snacks, or- Oscar oscar Why would we- [cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying] Kevin kevin Wha- Oscar oscar Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer] Kevin kevin Good God! Oscar oscar [gasps] Kevin kevin [laughs] Oscar oscar [gasps] Angela angela That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady! Kevin kevin No! Angela angela Awesome! Meredith meredith Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed. Angela angela Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed. Meredith meredith No way. Kevin kevin No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh! Angela angela Oh, the other one's watching. Kevin kevin Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake. Jim jim Busy! Dwight dwight Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about? Jim jim Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face. Dwight dwight You know what? I could use a little help. Jim jim You know what? I'm a little busy. Dwight dwight We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign? Jim jim It's not effeminate. It's festive. Dwight dwight You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3! Jim jim I know, I just read it on the sign. Stanley stanley Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper" and get them to "Show us the money!" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name? Michael michael A.J. A.J. aj A.J. What kind of name is A.J.? Michael michael [laughs] A.J. aj What do you race cars? Michael michael [laughs] I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand. A.J. aj Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date? Michael michael Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh] A.J. aj I have a question about discounts from distributors. Woman woman Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious? Michael michael It's pretty serious, yes. A.J. aj Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking] Michael michael Oh, God. Pam pam Excuse me? A.J. aj What does this have to do with sales? Man man It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?' Michael michael No, what are you talking about? A.J. aj [sighs loudly] Does it feel good? Michael michael Does what feel good? A.J. aj [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay. Michael michael Michael, get off the floor! Pam pam Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards. Michael michael [whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it- Pam pam No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay. Michael michael That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump. Pam pam [pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise] Cutting down the competition. Pam pam [cats meowing in background][on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now. Angela angela [chuckles] Oscar oscar [snickers] Kevin kevin [meows like a cat, then hisses] Angela angela This is getting weird. Kevin kevin Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows] Oscar oscar Ohhh... Kevin kevin [sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named "Dear Michael," plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer] Michael michael [shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time? Angela angela I have no idea. Oscar oscar I was looking at pictures of food on my computer. Kevin kevin [sigh of relief] Well, sorry I'm late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth] Angela angela I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball. Oscar oscar [loading up car with Michael] Don't look up. Don't look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window] Pam pam Want some pie? Michael michael No. Pam pam I went through Holly's things. Michael michael What? Pam pam I stole a sleeve of her sweater. Michael michael Oh, Michael... Pam pam I also stole something off of her computer. A document called "Dear Michael." Michael michael You did what? Pam pam I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it. Michael michael She never sent it to you? Pam pam No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it. Michael michael No. Pam pam Yes. Michael michael No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust. Pam pam How? Michael michael Because, she didn't send it to you! Pam pam I know, I know. You're right, you're right. Michael michael I could read it. Pam pam No, that wouldn't- Michael michael Yeah, I could read it. Pam pam No, you don't have to do that. Michael michael Go get your laptop. Pam pam Okay. [leaves to get laptop] Michael michael [to camera] What? I'm not in love with her. Pam pam [blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too. Dwight dwight I'm not writing, "Horse Hunt." I don't even know what that means. Jim jim It's in the name. Dwight dwight [grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting. Jim jim You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid. Dwight dwight Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved? Jim jim Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite] Dwight dwight Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one. Jim jim Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you? Dwight dwight Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome. Jim jim That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed. Dwight dwight [to camera] Didn't see that one coming. Jim jim [closes laptop] It's deleted. Pam pam Well? Michael michael She still has feelings for you. Pam pam She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say? Michael michael I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over. Pam pam You're sure? Michael michael [nods and smiles] Pam pam [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay. Michael michael [enters conference room] Kelly kelly Happy Birthday! All all Surprise! Meredith meredith Hey, it's not a surprise. Dwight dwight Not a surprise. Jim jim This doesn't look good. Kelly kelly What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly? Jim jim [shakes her head no] Kelly kelly Told you. Dwight dwight You haven't heard our theme, though. Jim jim You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake? Kelly kelly That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television. Jim jim Our theme, if you will. Dwight dwight Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping. Jim jim That's our theme. Dwight dwight Cool. Kelly kelly Yeah? Jim jim I love it. Kelly kelly [high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor? Dwight dwight Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each? Kevin kevin No. Dwight dwight No. Jim jim Oh, then pick TV. Kevin kevin Take a nap! Meredith meredith TV. Oscar oscar No, watching TV at work is really cool. Kevin kevin Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now. Stanley stanley Bonnie Hunt is on. Creed creed You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap. Kelly kelly All right. Jim jim Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go. Dwight dwight Surprise. Meredith meredith Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this. Dwight dwight Ahem. This is for you... and [puts blanket around her shoulders] ...Happy Birthday, Kel. Jim jim [giggles] Thank you. Kelly kelly [turns off lights] Okay, you've got one hour. [shuts door] Dwight dwight I'm too excited to sleep. Kelly kelly Mm, great cake. Dwight dwight Thanks. [both eat cake] Jim jim [opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly's butt] Many happy returns. [slams door] Dwight dwight I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something. Michael michael No, we don't need to do that. Pam pam Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him! Michael michael You mean Tony? Pam pam Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony! Michael michael Oh, Michael. Pam pam Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty. Michael michael As you may know, I am no longer in a relationships. It's been really stressful here. So, I decided to treat myself to one of God's most perfect creations...a beautiful new cat! It's tacky to talk about money. But she cost seven thousand dollars! Angela angela [holds up cell phone showing video of Angela talking to her cats] For a rainy day. [laughs] Kevin kevin