Hi. Phone Salesman phone-salesman Good morning, can I help you? Pam pam Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott. Phone Salesman phone-salesman I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Pam pam Really? He's never around when I come by. Phone Salesman phone-salesman Shoot. Pam pam They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine. Pam pam How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here. Phone Salesman phone-salesman That is a great idea. Pam pam Great. Phone Salesman phone-salesman [while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really... Pam pam [approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya? Jim jim There he is! Pam pam Oh, hi! Great. Phone Salesman phone-salesman Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours. Jim jim [coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you? Michael michael Jimbo! Jim jim ...Jim. Michael michael [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy! Jim jim Ayyyy! Michael michael Ayyyy! Pam pam Ayyyy! Michael michael Ayyyy! Jim jim [running from his desk] Ayyyy! Dwight dwight Ayyyy! {Jim}, {Pam}, {Michael} and {Dwight} jim pam michael dwight Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going. Phone Salesman phone-salesman Ayyyy! {Jim}, {Pam}, {Michael} and {Dwight} jim pam michael dwight [laughing] What was that? Michael michael That was funny. Pam pam That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy! Michael michael Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud? Michael michael I miss Stacy. Kevin kevin Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting... Michael michael I can't even imagine. Kevin kevin This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances. Pam pam You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but. Jim jim Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday? Pam pam Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She's fine. Jim jim So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too. Kelly kelly Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans] Michael michael Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces. Michael michael Pam, really, they're back? Michael michael I can't see them when they're on the floor Pam pam They're for her to look at, Michael. Jim jim Can I have a word with you, Jim? Michael michael Yes, let's have a word. Jim jim Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office. Michael michael Oh, I'm sorry. Jim jim Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment. Michael michael I understand that. Jim jim So sexy it becomes hostile. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Michael michael Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key. Jim jim Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest- Michael michael We do. Jim jim -that none of us can be a part of- Michael michael You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael. Pam pam [gesturing Pam to be quiet] -then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party. Michael michael That sounds fun. Jim jim So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only. Michael michael Yeah, deal with it Pam! Dwight dwight So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other. Michael michael Having trouble finding a vein? Dwight dwight Yup, a little. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm] Dwight dwight I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat] Dwight dwight I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that -- Michael michael You're gonna need to lie down right over here. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker Okay. Hello. Michael michael Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry. Blood Girl girl Oh, OK. Michael michael Whew, I'm really nervous. Blood Girl girl Yeah, me too. Michael michael Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up. Blood Girl girl Oh, well, that's fine. Michael michael Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah. Blood Girl girl Yeah, can I point something out to you? Michael michael Sure. Blood Girl girl You're actually talking a lot. Michael michael Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous. Blood Girl girl Okay, here we go. Michael michael Alright, here we go. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat] Michael michael Just relax. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch. Michael michael Oh, that's gross. Blood Girl girl Type O-Ocean Spray. Michael michael God, stop. Stop it. Blood Girl girl Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob. Phyllis phyllis What do you think? Pam pam I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves. Jim jim We're in. Pam pam Yick. Michael michael What? Blood Girl girl I looked at the bag. Michael michael Ew. Blood Girl girl I looked straight at the bag. Michael michael That's not good. Blood Girl girl Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them? Michael michael Well, ok... bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad. Blood Girl girl That was mean. Michael michael Um, a hat. Blood Girl girl A hat. Michael michael A hat with no blood in it? Blood Girl girl That is full of soup. Michael michael You're cute. Blood Girl girl What? Michael michael You're done. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker Oh, already. Michael michael Ah, we did it! Blood Girl girl Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out] Michael michael Is he OK? Blood Girl girl [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank] Michael michael What? Hank hank Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go? Michael michael Oh. She left. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove. Michael michael I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. [Michael sighs] Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker [seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing? Meredith meredith Decorating. Kelly kelly I'll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it's just a stupid baby. Meredith meredith Yeah, thanks. Kelly kelly It is so nice to go out with another couple. Phyllis phyllis Anything to get out of that office. Pam pam I know Phyllis phyllis I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass. Bob bob He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy. Phyllis phyllis Oh yeah, I understood. Jim jim Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah? Michael michael Well, his heart was in the right place. Kelly kelly Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar. Michael michael I don't think so. Oscar oscar Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest. Michael michael I can't. Oscar oscar If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else? Michael michael Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so] Bob bob No way, a 280? Jim jim Wow, that's impressive. Pam pam Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand. Phyllis phyllis Yikes. Jim jim Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly] Phyllis phyllis No. Bob, no. No! Jim jim What? Pam pam One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you? Bob bob Yes I do. Phyllis phyllis Jim uses a 6 pound ball. Pam pam That is a lie, that is a lie. Jim jim Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back. Pam pam But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit. Jim jim No, you just have little dainty fingers. Pam pam Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry. Bob bob Nobody asked, Bob! Jim jim Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself? Oscar oscar Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but... Angela angela I was stupid, I told him. Oscar oscar Was he in to you in like a gay way? Kevin kevin Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story. Michael michael He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans] Oscar oscar Really sad. Michael michael I'm not done yet. Oscar oscar Oh my God. Michael michael A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City." [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised] Kevin kevin Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him! Michael michael My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me. Angela angela Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here. Oscar oscar No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David. Angela angela Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you? Oscar oscar I guess I have. Huh. Angela angela Alright who's next? Where's Andy? Michael michael He's on one of his honeymoons. Oscar oscar What? Michael michael He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage. Oscar oscar My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said that we're done. Kevin kevin You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this. Michael michael You're right. OK everyone, back to work. Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together. Michael michael A net? a giant net? Dwight dwight No. Not a giant net. Michael michael What do you have in mind? Dwight dwight I was thinking maybe like a mixer. Michael michael Oh God, that's a terrible idea. Dwight dwight Old fashioned meet market -- Michael michael No. Dwight dwight -- I don't think it is. Michael michael Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt. Dwight dwight These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done. Michael michael Hey. Michael michael Hey. No movement. Dwight dwight Ah, still early. Michael michael Eh, its not that early. Dwight dwight [sighs] So how you holding up? Michael michael I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side. Dwight dwight No. No, I meant about being single today. Michael michael Oh. Meh. Dwight dwight Meh, exactly. Eh. Michael michael Eh. Dwight dwight Oh, here we go. Michael michael Hello. Dwight dwight Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead] Michael michael Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight. Dwight dwight Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig. Michael michael Oh, hi! I'm Lynn. Lynn lynn Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self. Michael michael Hello. Kevin kevin Hi. Lynn lynn [after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from? Michael michael I'm from here! Kevin kevin Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better. Michael michael Thank you, Michael. Kevin kevin I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead. Dwight dwight I- I- believe you. Blonde Girl girl You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today. Dwight dwight Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses. Blonde Girl girl You must use a lot of paper. Dwight dwight Oh God tons of it . Blonde Girl girl What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom? Pam pam I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat. Jim jim Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes. Pam pam Look at that. Bob ordered hot food. Jim jim Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries. Pam pam We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom] Jim jim At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool. Kevin kevin That does sound cool. Lynn lynn I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected] Kevin kevin I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast. Kevin kevin So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair. Michael michael I am. Eric eric Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk. Michael michael It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late. Michael michael ...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door? Dwight dwight No reason. Michael michael Is somebody after you? Dwight dwight Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office? Oscar oscar Hey, it just takes one! Dwight dwight Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by. Michael michael You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic. Kelly kelly It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her. Michael michael Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale. Kelly kelly She could be your soul mate. Meredith meredith Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up. Dwight dwight It's possible. Oscar oscar She could be. Kelly kelly Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched. Michael michael Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly] Kelly kelly Here they come. Jim jim [looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food] What? Pam pam No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough. Jim jim Well, you should cover it with the broccoli. Pam pam Oh great, I have to cover? Jim jim Do you think they dined and dashed? Pam pam Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed. Jim jim I thought we were having a nice time. Pam pam We were. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam [emerging from the Men's room] Empty. Jim jim [exiting the Ladies' room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate] Pam pam Oh boy. Jim jim My God. Pam pam OK. Jim jim Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl] Girl girl Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away. Michael michael OK then. Bob bob So... Jim jim Where were we? Bob bob [out of breath] Bowling. Phyllis phyllis Yep, that, yeah. Pam pam You didn't eat much there Jimbo. Bob bob Oh initially I did. Jim jim Want some meat? Bob bob Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though. Phyllis phyllis Forgot. Bob bob Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera] Phyllis phyllis Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is. Kevin kevin That's really sweaty. Lynn lynn Are you on email? Kevin kevin Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card] Lynn lynn Cool. Bye. Kevin kevin Bye, Kevin. Lynn lynn Good Valentine's. Kevin kevin So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you. Dwight dwight OK. [Blonde stands up to leave] Blonde Girl girl OK, what's up? Dwight dwight Look, I'm gonna go... Blonde Girl girl Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign- Dwight dwight Look, we already have a paper supplier. Blonde Girl girl OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God! Dwight dwight Hey, you don't deserve her. Michael michael Thanks, Michael. Dwight dwight Hey, if anybody wants to go... Michael michael We can stay a little longer. Oscar oscar Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks. Michael michael Michael, it's time. Kelly kelly You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit. Michael michael Come on, we'll all go. Oscar oscar [after some encouragement] OK. Michael michael Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good. Michael michael Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy. Stanley stanley Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids. Blood Drive Worker blood-drive-worker [backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids. Stanley stanley Damn. Phyllis phyllis