Not much what's up with you? Jim jim Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God. Pam pam Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me. Michael michael Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? Jim jim What's up-dog? Michael michael Nothin' much what's up with you? Jim jim Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant! Michael michael Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog? Michael michael I'm on the phone. Stanley stanley Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog? Michael michael What's that? Ryan ryan I don't know, nothin', what's up with you? Michael michael Huh? Ryan ryan [low] No, damn it! Michael michael What does that mean? Kevin kevin What does what mean? Michael michael The thing you just said? Kevin kevin Just forget it. Michael michael Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog? Michael michael What's up-dog? Dwight dwight Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing? Michael michael Good. How are you doing? Dwight dwight [mouthing] So close. Jim jim [low] Damn it. Michael michael Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a... Michael michael Empty mind. Dwight dwight No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say. Michael michael Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar? Dwight dwight He's out sick. Angela angela That's unacceptable. Dwight dwight I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look] Angela angela Whhh... What are you guys doing? Kevin kevin Michael. Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Oscar is out sick. Dwight dwight On a Friday? [Dwight nods] Michael michael Can I do some of the talking? Dwight dwight I will do all the talking. Michael michael Ok, let him know that I'm here. Dwight dwight Hello. Oscar oscar What difference does it make whether your here? Michael michael Hello? Oscar oscar Hi, Oscar its Michael. Michael michael And Dwight. Dwight dwight Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather? Michael michael Yeah I think I came down with the flu. Oscar oscar Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic. Michael michael Yeah, I feel terrible about it. Oscar oscar Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D. Dwight dwight What are your symptoms? Michael michael I have the chills. Oscar oscar Umm, hmmm. Michael michael I feel nauseous and my heads killing. Oscar oscar Checks out. Dwight dwight Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed. Oscar oscar I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend. Michael michael I'll just be sleep-- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish] Oscar oscar Ok. First impressions? Dwight dwight He sounded sick. Michael michael Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick. Dwight dwight That's exactly what I was thinking. Michael michael Question? May I investigate? Dwight dwight Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs. Michael michael I bought my veil. Pam pam Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? Kelly kelly Ummm... Pam pam Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair? Kelly kelly Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and... Pam pam You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry. Kelly kelly Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you. Michael michael Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant. Jim jim Hey Michael. Jim jim Hey Jim-bag. Michael michael Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Umm, hmm. Jim jim Who else knows? Michael michael Nobody. Jim jim Wow! Michael michael Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can. Michael michael My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles. Michael michael Alright. Great. Thank you. Jim jim [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us... Michael michael Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? Dwight dwight Yeah, I think I can handle it. Ryan ryan Do you think? Or do you know? Dwight dwight I think. Ryan ryan [low] Oh God, here. Dwight dwight Hey, whatcha gettin'? Michael michael I'm going with grape. Jim jim Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night? Michael michael Which one? Jim jim Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation? Michael michael I don't know what you mean. Jim jim P-A-M. P-A Michael michael Uh, uh, ok. Jim jim No it's okay, we're talking code. Michael michael What is? Stanley stanley Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda? Michael michael I'm going to take off actually. Jim jim Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding? Michael michael Hmm? Stanley stanley [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it. Michael michael Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy. Dwight dwight There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. Dwight dwight It's Grrrrrrape! Soda. Michael michael Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more. Jim jim Not so much. Michael michael Ok, what is going on here? Dwight dwight Nothing. Michael michael Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim. Dwight dwight Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets. Michael michael Ok. So what is the secret Michael? Dwight dwight Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. Jim jim Is that true? Dwight dwight Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Michael michael Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth. Dwight dwight Ok. Michael michael I can tell. I won't let you down. Dwight dwight Good. Michael michael Thanks. Jim jim Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch? Michael michael I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room. Jim jim Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat. Michael michael No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here. Jim jim Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who. Michael michael Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out. Jim jim I know just he place. Michael michael [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? Michael michael Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings. Michael michael Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi. Michael michael Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters. Dana dana We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers. Michael michael Nope we're not brothers. Jim jim I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants. Michael michael Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks. Jim jim And for you? Dana dana Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast? Michael michael Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce. Dana dana Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles] Michael michael Is that what you really want? Dana dana No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog. Michael michael Great. Dana dana Who took all the black ones? Dwight dwight That's a communal bowl. Pam pam So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? Dwight dwight Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know. Pam pam Sniffling how? Dwight dwight Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle? Pam pam Three. Dwight dwight Ok, it was the second one. Pam pam Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it? Dwight dwight Nuh-uh. Pam pam What do you like best about Pam? Michael michael Uh, I really don't want to talk about it. Jim jim Is it her boobs, or... Michael michael Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Uh-huh. Jim jim Never get's any of my jokes. Michael michael What about you? Jim jim Her boobs, definitely. Michael michael Wow, that's not what I meant. Jim jim Here you go. Dana dana Oh, thank you. Michael michael And I understand we have a birthday today. Dana dana Ohhh happy birthday Jim! Michael michael Ready girls? Front side. Dana dana You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo! Hooter's Girls hooters-girls Thank you. Jim jim Woo! Yeah! Michael michael Thanks, thanks Dana. Jim jim Thank you very much. Michael michael Hilarious. Hey. Michael michael What did you guys talk about? Pam pam [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature. Jim jim I hate you. Pam pam Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. Dwight dwight Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes. Michael michael Including prep time? Dwight dwight Just do it. Michael michael If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too. Ryan ryan [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses. Michael michael Michael is that a wig? Kevin kevin No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig? Michael michael No. Kevin kevin This is from Hooters. Angela angela Yeah, it's a business lunch. Michael michael Did Toby approve this? Angela angela No he did not. I don't need his permission. Michael michael You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again? Toby toby Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right? Michael michael I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us. Michael michael I'm not processing this. Toby toby Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related? Michael michael He seems fine to me. Toby toby You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please? Michael michael Pam? Kelly kelly Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy? Phyllis phyllis It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy. Angela angela Jim has got it bad for Pam. Kevin kevin Oh ho! Which one is Pam? Creed creed Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? Kevin kevin You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me. Michael michael As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved. Dwight dwight Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam? Kelly kelly Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting. Jim jim Nice... she is so hot. Kevin kevin Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim Did you find anything good in your desk? Pam pam Ah, coupon for a free sandwich. Jim jim Score. Pam pam It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago. Jim jim Big day. Pam pam Big day. Jim jim Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. Jim jim Oh. Pam pam Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael. Jim jim Right. Pam pam And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean. Jim jim No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started. Pam pam Oh you did? Jim jim No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well. Pam pam No, no, you saw through me, great. Jim jim So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now? Pam pam Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay. Jim jim Mmm, hmm. Pam pam And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it. Jim jim Cool. Pam pam Ok. Jim jim Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all. Dwight dwight Who's this? Gil gil This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this? Dwight dwight Gil. Gil gil Are you going to tell Michael? Oscar oscar How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. Dwight dwight Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake. Dwight dwight Hey. Jim jim I know, I know, I know. Michael michael Umm, what happened? Jim jim I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid. Michael michael Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal. Jim jim Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just. Michael michael Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good? Jim jim Yeah I'm good. Michael michael Good. Jim jim Creed did you organize the menu book? Ryan ryan Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. Creed creed No, that was mandatory. Ryan ryan Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing. Creed creed Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay? Pam pam Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim. Michael michael Oh, no, that's, you don't have to. Pam pam No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend. Michael michael No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so. Pam pam It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise. Michael michael Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? Pam pam Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out. Michael michael Ready? Jim jim Yep. Pam pam People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott. Michael michael Hello. Pammy want a cracker? Michael michael No thanks. You got a package. Pam pam Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs] Michael michael And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods. Dwight dwight Oh! Michael michael He totally misses, Dwight dwight No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do. Michael michael Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder. Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk] Michael michael All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie. Michael michael Jack Nicholas. Dwight dwight It's a celebrity tournament. Michael michael [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat] Dwight dwight Do you see it? Michael michael Oh, man, it's really back there. Dwight dwight Do you feel it? Michael michael Yeah. I can barely... Dwight dwight [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great. Michael michael Should I clean out my desk? Dwight dwight [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary. Michael michael Don't be fooled by the phrase "dust bunnies." They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed. Dwight dwight Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away. Michael michael If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee. Dwight dwight No, I am the King bee, Michael michael Queen's higher. Dwight dwight No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee. Michael michael People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss? Ryan ryan Keep. I will finish that later. Michael michael It's from '99. Ryan ryan Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan. Michael michael 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank." Michael wrote, "Judd?" Ryan ryan Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt. Michael michael Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts? Dwight dwight Everything seems pretty much under control. Ryan ryan Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face. Dwight dwight How would... Ryan ryan Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar. Dwight dwight Not really. Ryan ryan Getting defensive? Dwight dwight No. Ryan ryan You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be. Dwight dwight Thank you, Dana. Michael michael Sure. Dana dana Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday. Michael michael Wow. Thanks. Jim jim You're welcome. Michael michael No, you what, seriously, you should have it. Jim jim No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical. Michael michael Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so... Jim jim Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits. Michael michael