Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road-- Michael michael How do you know it's going to be a boy? Dwight dwight How, would you stop interrupting please? Michael michael Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life. Michael michael Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. Michael michael To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. Michael michael [Shakes head] Dwight dwight Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. Michael michael What? Pam pam We will demonstrate on Pam. Michael michael No. No. [Leaves] Pam pam Come on. Michael michael [Dwight is wearing a bra] You just twist your hand until something breaks. Michael michael Ow. Dwight dwight Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam. Michael michael And remember no matter what, I will always love you. Michael michael What if he's a murderer? Dwight dwight He's not going to be a murderer. Michael michael Maybe that's how you die. Dwight dwight You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no? Michael michael I want to do this. Dwight dwight Okay. From the top. Ready? Three- Michael michael Action. Dwight dwight Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. [Applause] So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta. Michael michael Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So... Jim jim I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant. Michael michael I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat. Michael michael What's up spinsters? Michael michael Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. Angela angela No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys. Michael michael I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever. Karen karen Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights. Jim jim Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck. Pam pam Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. Todd Packer todd-packer Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend. Karen karen Shut up! Todd Packer todd-packer Yep. Karen karen Shut it! Todd Packer todd-packer That's rude. Karen karen Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight! Todd Packer todd-packer Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Clutches chest and falls to the floor] Michael michael What happened? Todd Packer todd-packer Oh God- Michael michael Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Pretends to kick Michael] Todd Packer todd-packer No, no, no! Michael michael I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man. Michael michael I have a full day of sales calls. Todd Packer todd-packer You should get out of them. Michael michael [Breaks pencil.] Todd Packer todd-packer It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious. Michael michael And what kind of stripper did you get? Todd Packer todd-packer I did not order a stripper. Michael michael You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party? Todd Packer todd-packer Um, not personally, no. Michael michael Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard. Todd Packer todd-packer I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment. Michael michael Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. Todd Packer todd-packer So that's what that means. Michael michael Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Spanks himself] Michael michael Alright! Uh! [Spanks himself] Dwight dwight Gay. Michael michael What? Dwight dwight Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. Michael michael Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. Angela angela SHUT UP ANGELA! Meredith meredith Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim Ugh. Pam pam Ugh. Jim jim Everything okay? Pam pam Oh yeah. Why? Jim jim Well you seem a little tired. Pam pam Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. Jim jim You should get more sleep. Pam pam Yeah, I know I should. Jim jim Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep. Pam pam No, I'm sure you're right. Jim jim When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference. Pam pam Really? Jim jim Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not. Pam pam Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there. Jim jim Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. [Turning towards the vending machine] Oh my God. Pam pam Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers. Michael michael Absolutely not. Jim jim I'm on it. Dwight dwight Well get on it. And make it happen. Michael michael Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want- Dwight dwight Stop. That's disgusting. Jim jim Leave me alone and get the male stripper. Dwight dwight Fine. Jim jim I knew you would, Nancy. Dwight dwight Sally. Jim jim No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette? Dwight dwight Blonde. Jim jim Nice. Do you have any blonde women? Dwight dwight [Giggles.] Michael michael He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling. Ryan ryan [Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.] Gotcha, oh! [Phone rings.] Yes? Michael michael Are you okay? Jim jim I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop. Michael michael Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants. Jim jim Squarepants? Michael michael Yep, Spongebob Squarepants. Jim jim And you think that'd be sexy? Michael michael Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. Jim jim Hold the door please! Ben Franklin ben-franklin Oh. Michael michael Thank you. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Oh. Hello! Michael michael Hello! Ben Franklin ben-franklin You wearing a thong? Michael michael What? Ben Franklin ben-franklin Sparkling cider is very good. Angela angela I think that's champagne. Pam pam [Spits champagne back into her glass] Angela angela Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin. Michael michael Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Half pants, right Mr. Franklin? Michael michael Knickers in fact, yes! Ben Franklin ben-franklin He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. Michael michael Well, actually, I never was president. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Yes, but, Ben Franklin was. Michael michael Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers. Ben Franklin ben-franklin And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow. Michael michael Wait, this is the entertainment? Meredith meredith Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. [Points to Phyllis] Michael michael Have you ever seen a stripper before? Jim jim Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. Dwight dwight Yeah, me neither. Jim jim Hey. Elizabeth elizabeth Hi. Jim jim I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested. Elizabeth elizabeth Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper. Dwight dwight I'm the stripper. Elizabeth elizabeth Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such. Dwight dwight [Phone rings] Oh God. Jim jim [Reading the text message] Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of." Dwight dwight It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Mr. Franklin? Karen karen Yes? Ben Franklin ben-franklin Do you have a girlfriend? Karen karen I have a lovely wife, Deborah. Ben Franklin ben-franklin But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them? Pam pam Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. Michael michael Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? Ryan ryan No. Yes. Michael michael Oh gross. Ryan ryan But I got all the foot off of it. Michael michael Okay Ben Franklin! Pam pam Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth! Karen karen Well, that is because I am a renaissance man. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? Pam pam Well, you're very saucy! [Winks at Pam.] Ben Franklin ben-franklin Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat? Michael michael I do! I want some man meat! Dwight dwight Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. Jim jim Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity. Michael michael [Stanley's fork breaks.] Of course. Stanley stanley So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use? Karen karen Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it. Pam pam Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys. Karen karen What do you mean? Pam pam Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him? Karen karen Oh yeah. Pam pam Really? Karen karen Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. Pam pam Okay. Karen karen I'm not into Jim. Yeah. Pam pam So um, well good. Karen karen Yeah. Sorry. Pam pam What are you sorry about? Karen karen Um, what? Pam pam What are you sorry about? Karen karen Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. Pam pam Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild. Kevin kevin I call shuffle. Here we go. [Spreads cards out all over the table] Michael michael Michael. Kevin kevin Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth. Michael michael Hi guys! Elizabeth elizabeth Nice outfit. Michael michael I hear there's an important meeting here. Elizabeth elizabeth I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art. Roy roy Hit it. [Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background] So where's the groom? Elizabeth elizabeth He's right there. There he is. Michael michael Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you. Bob Vance bob-vance Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I? Michael michael Just sit on down. Elizabeth elizabeth Alright. Michael michael Alright. Elizabeth elizabeth Okay. Michael michael Here we go. Elizabeth elizabeth Here we go. Alright! Michael michael Yeah! Elizabeth elizabeth Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide. Michael michael Mmm, what's that? Elizabeth elizabeth You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so... Michael michael I bet she'd be jealous. [Rips off shirt] Elizabeth elizabeth Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work! Michael michael Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. Dwight dwight You want me to answer phones with my clothes on. Elizabeth elizabeth We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it. Dwight dwight Oh I love your poster. Elizabeth elizabeth Thank you. Angela angela [Mouths 'hi' at the stripper] Kevin kevin You know I invented electricity. Ben Franklin ben-franklin I know. Pam pam Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? Pam pam Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Ohhh. Pam pam On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me. Michael michael You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Really. Michael michael But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag. Michael michael Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? Michael michael Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. Elizabeth elizabeth Wow. Thank you. Michael michael Care for a piece of chocolate? Dwight dwight Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Who is the king of Austria? Dwight dwight Joseph the 2nd. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Who is the king of Prussia? Dwight dwight Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd. Ben Franklin ben-franklin Who is the king of England? Dwight dwight Why the tyrant King George, of course! Ben Franklin ben-franklin I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. Dwight dwight [On speaker phone] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay? Jan jan Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will. Michael michael Okay. Jan jan I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand. Michael michael Uh when, when did, when last night? Jan jan No, today at work. Michael michael You went to a bachelor party at work? Jan jan Yes. I kind of arranged it. Michael michael Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot? Kelly kelly Kelly don't do this. Ryan ryan Do what? I just asked you a question. Kelly kelly You know what you're doing. Ryan ryan Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam. Kelly kelly Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley? Jim jim Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. Pam pam Ok. Ryan ryan Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here. Elizabeth elizabeth Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. Pam pam You could strip you know. Elizabeth elizabeth Thanks. Pam pam So you don't want to end our relationship? Michael michael I'm closer to firing you. Jan jan That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? Michael michael I'll talk to you later. Jan jan You are. You are. Michael michael So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't. Michael michael Are you near sighted or far sighted? Dwight dwight Both. That's why I invented the bifocal. Ben Franklin ben-franklin GAH!!! Dwight dwight