Here you go. Kelly kelly Nice dress, Ryan. Michael michael It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Kelly kelly [laughing] OK. Michael michael Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween. Michael michael You look so handsome. Kelly kelly Really you do. I love the material. Pam pam I know. Kelly kelly How come you didn't get me one? Michael michael I... Kelly kelly Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people. Phyllis phyllis I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired. Pam pam Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place? Meredith meredith Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Pam pam I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends. Kelly kelly I just feel kind of tired, you know. Pam pam Maybe you've got mono. Dwight dwight Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with. Pam pam Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right? Kelly kelly Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available. Dwight dwight Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight? Kevin kevin I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going? Roy roy Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going? Kevin kevin Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Angela angela Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. Michael michael It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. Michael michael I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Stanley stanley Wha? Really? You should! It's fun. Michael michael I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. Michael michael Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. Michael michael Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um... Kelly kelly Kelly? Michael michael Sparkles... Kelly kelly Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday. Michael michael Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think. Kelly kelly How many gods do you have? Angela angela Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that. Kelly kelly [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story? Angela angela She looks like Pam from the neck down. Kevin kevin Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil... Dwight dwight All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'. Michael michael Sorry. Jim jim I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work. Jim jim Nice basket. Karen karen Thank you. Jim jim Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... ' Michael michael I see dead people. Dwight dwight Okay. Spoiler... alert. Michael michael He was dead the whole time. Dwight dwight Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? Michael michael Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms. Tony tony Oh. Did you shake it? Karen karen Yeah, I shook it, I shook it. Tony tony We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Andy andy 'Scuse me? Jim jim Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. Andy andy Wow. Jim jim From 'Cheers'. Andy andy Yup. Jim jim And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before? Michael michael I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'. Creed creed Oh, that's what they call it. Meredith meredith This is the best meeting we've ever had. Kevin kevin Thank you, Kevin. Michael michael I find this incredibly offensive. Angela angela Well, I find it beautiful. Michael michael Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it. Angela angela No... Michael michael Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these. Toby toby No, You're not going to collect them. Michael michael Yes. Toby toby No. This is delightful, charming culture. Michael michael My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight. Michael michael All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner. Josh josh Thanks. Karen karen And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time. Josh josh Got it. Karen karen Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds. Jim jim You guys ready to party? Andy andy What's that? Jim jim I said are you ready TO PARTY! Andy andy Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes? Phyllis phyllis I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Angela angela Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you. Kevin kevin [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party! Carrol carrol [points at woman] What does that look like to you? Michael michael An Indian woman in a sari. Carrol carrol No one's even going to notice. Michael michael Nice outfit. Kevin kevin Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol. Michael michael I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions... Michael michael I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? Angela angela It's all vegetarian. Server server I'll just have some bread. You used your hands. Angela angela Oh, yuck. [spits out food] Michael michael What? Too spicy? Carrol carrol No. These s'mores are disgusting. Michael michael They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Carrol carrol Do you think they have any s'mores? Michael michael All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been? Michael michael So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh? Ryan ryan [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi] Girls girls What? Ryan ryan Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys. Kelly kelly They said something about Zach Braff. Ryan ryan Don't even listen to them. They're so... Kelly kelly No, you don't... Ryan ryan Very official. Pam pam I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean? Pam pam Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut! Dwight dwight I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at! Kelly kelly Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome. {Kelly}'s Mom kelly Uh... excuse me. I want to get a... Kelly kelly He's a perfect match. {Kelly}'s Mom kelly Hey, Big Tuna, you ready? Andy andy Yep. Jim jim One. Two. Three. Shot! Andy andy Oh, Holy Mother of God. Jim jim Oh, that burns! Golly. Um... Andy andy Good. Jim jim Ooh. Karen karen [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me. Overhead overhead Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night? Michael michael Yes. {Kelly}'s Father kelly Wow. Michael michael How long have you been married to the cheerleader? {Kelly}'s Father kelly Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet! Michael michael She is very fair. {Kelly}'s Mom kelly She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks! Michael michael One. Two. Three. Shot! Andy andy Oh. Jim jim Are you okay? Carrol carrol I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. Michael michael Awww! Crowd crowd Oh, Michael. Carrol carrol What do you say? Michael michael Can we talk about this in private? Carrol carrol I didn't hear you. [laughs] Michael michael [louder] Can we talk about this in private? Carrol carrol [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. Michael michael No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic... Michael michael This is the ninth date, Michael. Carrol carrol Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much. Michael michael I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right? Carrol carrol Yes. Michael michael Okay. Carrol carrol Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra. Michael michael Okay, good night, Michael. Carrol carrol All right. Good night. Michael michael Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive. Ryan ryan So you're saving money... {Kelly}'s Mom kelly Yes. Ryan ryan ...to start a family and home. {Kelly}'s Mom kelly Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox. Ryan ryan Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight? {Kelly}'s Father kelly Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Pam pam Is it? He's really outgoing, huh? Young Man young-man Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second? Pam pam It's hot in there. How's the naan? Pam pam Dry. You look like you were having fun. Angela angela I am. You should come dance with us. Pam pam I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting? Angela angela No one. Pam pam [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children... Andy andy Andy, no acappella. Karen karen [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain. Andy andy [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line {Andy} and {Jim} andy jim Wait, wait. Andy andy [sing] the less I seek my source... {Andy} and {Jim} andy jim Oh, come on, guys. Please. Karen karen [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.. {Andy} and {Jim} andy jim It's not good. Karen karen [sing] fi-i-i-ine! {Andy} and {Jim} andy jim TUNA! Are you kidding me!! Andy andy Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow. Michael michael Here. [hands drink] Pam pam That's so spicy. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam Oh. You waiting for a call? Michael michael Uh... no. Pam pam Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements. Michael michael Well, you were never really engaged. Pam pam I was in that marriage arena, though. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam Yeah. Uuuuh... well. Michael michael I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. Pam pam We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her] Michael michael What are you doing? Pam pam What are you doing? Michael michael I'm rejecting your... Pam pam I'm... what? I didn't Michael michael ...kiss. Pam pam [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home? Michael michael If you sit in the back. Pam pam Goodnight, guys. Karen karen Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike. Jim jim No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim Oh. Jim jim Hey dummy, get in the car! Karen karen I'm a drunk driver. Jim jim Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car. Karen karen Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli. Jim jim Yeah, you can't. Karen karen No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right. Jim jim Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay? Karen karen So good. Jim jim Good. Karen karen These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'. Michael michael You say one more word; I'm stopping the car. Pam pam Sorry. Michael michael This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali! Michael michael [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling] Crowd crowd How do I explain this to Jan? Michael michael Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know? Kelly kelly Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less. Michael michael Like, an Indian Halloween? Kelly kelly An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please? Michael michael [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan. Pam pam Hello, Jan. Michael michael Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today? Jan jan Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party. Michael michael What is Diwali? Jan jan What is Diwali? Michael michael Yes. Jan jan You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween-- Michael michael Mich-- Jan jan --rolled into one. Michael michael Oh. Jan jan I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in... Michael michael Um, customer service. Kelly kelly ... customer service is a Hindu person. Michael michael Oh. Jan jan And. Michael michael Yes, of course, I know Kelly. Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael I thought she was Muslim. Jan jan What? I'm not Muslim! Kelly kelly Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea. Jan jan You do? Michael michael Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event-- Jan jan Oh, I dunno about that. Michael michael --or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself. Jan jan For Kelly, that seems a bit much. Michael michael Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric-- Jan jan [hangs up] Michael michael She's so wonderful. Kelly kelly Yeah, you should see her naked. Michael michael I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, "Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks," and she's like "I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication." And I'm like, "Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night." And she's like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And I'm like, "I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof..." [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party. Michael michael For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band. Kevin kevin No Police cover. Mrs. Kapoor mrs-kapoor No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage. Kevin kevin [nods] Mr. Kapoor mr-kapoor Excellent. Kevin kevin You're the temp! Carrol carrol Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan. Ryan ryan Hi, I'm Carol. Carrol carrol Hi, nice to meet you. Ryan ryan The wavy brown hair and blue eyes. Carrol carrol Ah. Ryan ryan Michael talks about you... a lot. Carrol carrol Yeah. Ryan ryan Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right? Carrol carrol Wow, um... Sorry you had to... Ryan ryan Does Michael talk about me a lot? Dwight dwight [pause] Yes. Carrol carrol He does? What does he say. Dwight dwight He says... "I love him." He loves you. Carrol carrol At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was "Hubble" because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo. Andy andy Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna? Andy andy Nope, I got eel. Jim jim [speechless] Andy andy [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel. Karen karen Didn't see that coming. Andy andy And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan. Michael michael Michael? Pam pam Yeah? Michael michael Your shirt is buttoned wrong. Pam pam So, any questions? Michael michael