[surveying an untidy office] The building's custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we're living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel. Pam pam [viewing the chore wheel for the first time] Oh, yeah! Can I spin first? Kevin kevin Well, it doesn't spin. We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning and... you see what chore you get that day. Pam pam A wheel is supposed to spin. Kevin kevin Yeah, you know, like [motions arm in circles] guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh... guh. Erin erin No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just that wouldn't work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore- Pam pam [interrupting] Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores. Andy andy A wheel wants to spin, Pam. Creed creed [reluctantly] Spinning would be more fun. Jim jim [frustrated] 'Kay. Pam pam [spinning a new 'chore wheel' while everyone claps] Okay, that's what I'm talking about! Big money, big money! [wheel stops on 'mug duty', disappointed] Mug duty? Kevin kevin Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink. Pam pam This sucks. Kevin kevin Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there is work. Erin erin I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's- Pam pam Yeah, I don't think that you understand wheels. Kevin kevin I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. [introducing a third 'chore wheel', excited] We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it's more fun this way. Pam pam [everyone cheers as Meredith spins and lands on 'tiny wheel'] The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It's so cute no one seems to mind. Pam pam [referencing the 'tiny wheel'] Toilets! [everyone cheers as Meredith accepts her chore] Pam pam [at the Halpert residence as Cece twirls in the front yard, exiting front door] Pam, we gotta go. Cece, go back inside. Grandma's got breakfast, OK? [to camera] We are going to Roy's wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fiancé's wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it's your wife's ex-fiancé. Jim jim [exiting house] Thanks, mom! Pam pam [to Pam] A banana? Jim jim Yeah. I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs. Pam pam Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding. Jim jim Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs. Pam pam [to camera] Just... so weird. Jim jim [as Pete and Clark enter office] Oh, Pete, you've got mail. Erin erin Really? I got something? Pete pete Well, it's addressed to Customer Service so, it's your mail. Erin erin Well, you know, I'm also Customer Service. Clark clark Yeah, I'm alternating. [gestures both men] Erin erin [sarcastically] Yay, another person yelling at me. Pete pete Well, it could be a nice letter. I write nice letters to companies all the time. Erin erin That's really nice. Pete pete [looking down at Erin's desk] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election... thing is crazy, right? Clark clark [referring to the letter] It's open. Pete pete Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter. Erin erin [whispering] OK. Pete pete [distributing paperwork to the office] Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived. Nellie nellie I know you don't really exist. Creed creed Today, I launch my big charity initiative 'Operation Give Back'. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I'd like to see him piss on that one. Nellie nellie [at Roy's wedding] Darryl! Ha-ha! What's happening? Roy roy Congratulations, baby! Darryl darryl Ah, thank you! Roy roy [Jim and Pam approaching the wedding venue] Is this his house? Jim jim Think so. Pam pam [approaching Jim and Pam] Mimosa? Server server [taking glass] Thank you. Pam pam Would you like me to take your peel? Server server [embarrassed] Yes, thank you. [finishes banana and hands server the peel] Pam pam OK. Jim jim [as Jim receives and declines a call] Who's that? Pam pam Uh, my ex-fiancé. Jim jim [sarcastically] Ha-ha. Pam pam I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn't know. Um... actually I did tell Pam and we decided 'no'. But, then I decided 'yes' anyway. So, I'm thinking there's another conversation coming. And, it's hard to know when that will be. Jim jim With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports. Nellie nellie [grinning] Oh boy! What's happening? Kevin kevin There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley? Nellie nellie American Diabetes Association. Stanley stanley Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity? Angela angela I w-, uh, I would love to give uh- Toby toby [excited] Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank. Kevin kevin I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes. Creed creed Dwight, what about you? Nellie nellie I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works. Dwight dwight Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives. Andy andy Thank you, Andy. Nellie nellie I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling. Andy andy Dwight, you will be participating. Nellie nellie No thank you. Dwight dwight Participation is mandatory; Dwight, but you can choose whatever cause you like. Nellie nellie Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation. Dwight dwight Great, thank you. Nellie nellie Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban. Dwight dwight [everyone groans] Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight. Nellie nellie Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan. Dwight dwight The Taliban is the worst. Great heroine, though. Creed creed Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back. Nellie nellie Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome. [wads up Nellie's charity sheet and tosses it toward her] Dwight dwight [approaches Roy back at the wedding] There he is. Is it almost time to cut the pancake, or what? Jim jim Aw, yeah, god, we appreciate everyone coming so early. It's, everyone's just been so nice. Roy roy Thanks for inviting us, by the way- Jim jim Are you kidding? Roy roy That was, that was a surprise. Jim jim Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. [sees Jim's reaction] Just kidding. Roy roy You're welcome. Jim jim Thanks...aw. Roy roy By the way, man, this place is... beautiful. Jim jim Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off? Roy roy Gravel company? Jim jim Yeah. What about you? What are you doing? Roy roy Not gravel, obviously. [both chuckle] No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So- Jim jim Oh, cool. Roy roy Yeah, you never know. Jim jim Hey bro, stop wasting time with this haircut. [referring to Jim] He's got a fifty-thousand dollar sports car. Cheers. Kenny kenny OK, Kenny. Jim jim [talking on phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right? Clark clark Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad. Erin erin Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind. Clark clark Uh, is it Duncan? Pete pete He's looking for on-air talent and he'd kill me if I didn't get you on tape. Clark clark You mean, put me on the news? Erin erin You'll just come over, put on little lipstick, loosen up with a glass of red wine and then we'll just run through a few stories. You know, a couple different ways, with a couple different outfits. It'd be really tasteful and it'd really help me out with Duncan... with my friend. [Erin considers] What do you say? Huh? Clark clark Maybe, ok? Let me think about it. Erin erin [Pete looks on disappointed] Ok. Clark clark Whoo! Erin erin Think it over. [punches Pete] Clark clark No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them. Pete pete I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon? Erin erin So, ah, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano] Roy roy He plays piano? Jim jim No. Roy? No. Pam pam You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano] Roy roy [clapping] You got this, Roy. [Roy begins playing and singing She's Got a Way by Billy Joel, Pam and Jim looked shocked, Phyllis and Bob begin making out] Darryl darryl [in the car] We still surprise each other. Pam pam Definitely. Jim jim You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with- Pam pam Courtside seats. Sixers. Jim jim Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was- Pam pam It was an away game. Jim jim In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams. [long pause] Do we know everything about each other? Pam pam No. Jim jim Tell me one thing about you I don't know. Pam pam [laughs] Um, ok. [thinks but says nothing] Jim jim [in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I- Jim jim And you thought you guys were millionaires. Pam pam You heard that one. Jim jim Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember. Pam pam That I thought we were millionaires. Jim jim Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one. Pam pam That's all right. Jim jim The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee] Angela angela You all right? [Oscar nods] Jim jim You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here. Nellie nellie Anything else would be inconsistent. Dwight dwight Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office? [offers Dwight a contract] Nellie nellie [takes contract] Absolutely, I will. Dwight dwight I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in a fake English accent] You don't have a plan. Dwight dwight When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan. Nellie nellie [holds up pen as Dwight searches his desk] Looking for this? Nellie nellie What the? [follows Nellie into the break room] Dwight dwight Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it. Nellie nellie [taking pen back] Gimme that. Dwight dwight Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off. Nellie nellie You're insane. Dwight dwight I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity. Nellie nellie Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you. Dwight dwight In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand. Nellie nellie [considers then takes cleaver] This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most. Dwight dwight I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands. Nellie nellie Sounds like a plan. Dwight dwight [in his office] Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment? Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin [entering annex] Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition? Andy andy Uh... couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe, no, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut. Clark clark Really? Andy andy Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back. Clark clark Seems unnecessary for an audition. Pete pete And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so- Clark clark Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff. Andy andy I absolutely will do that. Clark clark Awesome. [to Pete] Plop! Andy andy Pff. Guess I'll just head over to the mall then. Buy Erin some sexy, fun outfits. Clark clark That Clark, huh? Errr [punches palm] Ca! Pete pete [in kitchen with several people around] Next question for our oldie-weds- Oscar oscar What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie? Kevin kevin [to Kevin] Language. Angela angela Who was Pam's first celebrity crush? Phyllis phyllis Pam's first celebrity crush. Oscar oscar [whispering] John Stamos. Toby toby Ready? Jim jim Uh-huh. Pam pam [as he and Pam flip their cards] John Stamos. Jim jim Oh! Angela angela Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to- Pam pam Johnny Depp. Toby toby Johnny Depp. [everyone looks confused toward Toby] Pam pam [after awkward pause] Sh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp. Toby toby Totally. George Clooney. Kevin kevin Uh-huh. Toby toby OK, I have one. I have one. [Jim's phone rings and he motions he's taking the call elsewhere] Angela angela [while Angela tries asking a question] What is the craziest place you've ever made whoopie? Kevin kevin [as Pam wonders about Jim] Kevin, stop it with that question. Angela angela [in the stairwell on his phone] Right. And did you show them the market? Yeah. And what'd they say? That's awesome! That, oh my god! Wow! Jim jim It's not even real yet. And I'm not gonna tell her 'til it's real. Jim jim I think maybe there actually is something I don't know about Jim. Pam pam Everyone, we have a voluntary meeting in the conference room to discuss Erin's confidence. Darryl darryl Her body. We're gonna talk about her body. [to Darryl] Good. Great job. Andy andy Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black. Darryl darryl [to a full conference room] Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. [general acknowledgement] Andy andy Uh-huh. And I want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin. So, everybody say something that you like about her body. All right? Darryl. Andy andy OK, um, I like Erin's hair. It's a very pretty color. Darryl darryl Yeah, right? Andy andy I'm sorry. This is for a news audition? Jim jim Yeah. Andy andy Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability? Oscar oscar News flash everyone. The human race finds attractive people more trustworthy. Andy andy I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America - Walter Cronkite. Oscar oscar Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride. Meredith meredith Does Erin have any experience? Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe? Or... Oscar oscar Has she done the pageant circuit? Angela angela No, I watch the news. Erin erin She's gonna be amazing. Look at her. She's gonna light up the screen. Andy andy This is a first for me. And, I don't get a lot of chances, so I have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job. Erin erin [whispering to Pete] Whatever it takes. Clark clark [whispering] Yeah, I know, I heard. I heard. Pete pete [places Nellie's hand on a board and holds up cleaver] This is it. Any questions? Dwight dwight Is it gonna be long? Nellie nellie No. It's gonna be over before you know it. Dwight dwight [pretending to read news] Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. Aren't you glad you waited? Karzai commented. Erin erin Um, where did you get that story? Darryl darryl A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events. Erin erin I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name. Andy andy For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon. Erin erin Pause after 'news'. Andy andy For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon. Erin erin No, pause longer. Andy andy That was a good one. Darryl darryl Pause, pause longer. OK? Builds suspense. Don't be shy. Andy andy Got it. For Channel 11 news... [very long pause] Erin erin Wha, it's- Andy andy I'm Erin Hannon. Erin erin OK. All right. Great. Some great stuff in there. Andy andy [as Pam stares at him] I can feel you looking at me. Jim jim OK. Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago- Pam pam Uh-huh. Jim jim I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know. Pam pam [after a pause] That didn't happen. You would've told me right away. Jim jim Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me. Pam pam Uh... [looks at Pam] Jim jim [looks knowingly back] Just tell me. Pam pam God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well. Jim jim Heh! Ha! [making various sounds and movements while preparing to severe Nellie's hand] [Darryl enters, sees what's happening, and quietly exits] Dwight dwight Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team. Pete pete Oh. Erin erin The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone. Pete pete Oh god. Erin erin Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera. Pete pete Tuh. Erin erin Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles at camera] Pete pete Ha! [raises cleaver] This is for real this time. Dwight dwight It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little [sets up laptop] inspiration. Darryl darryl [Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this? Nellie nellie 127 hours. It's about this guy who- Darryl darryl No, no. No spoilers. Please. Dwight dwight My bad. Darryl darryl No. Dwight dwight Goodnight. Darryl darryl [answers his door to find Erin, Andy and Pete] Hey! Everybody. Clark clark Yeah. Andy andy Come in. Clark clark All right! Andy andy Come on in. Clark clark Nice. Andy andy [to Pete] What're you doing here? Clark clark Sorry, man. Andy though Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied. Pete pete [news anchor audition] The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns. Erin erin [also as anchor] Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Andy andy Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked. Erin erin He sure did. Andy andy All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody. Clark clark Aw! Erin erin Just, you sure Clark? Andy andy Yep, she's done. Clark clark No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that. Andy andy No, we got it. We got it. Clark clark Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving. Erin erin I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing. Andy andy OK, I don't. Clark clark All right. Andy andy I'm hungry. Erin erin Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something? Andy andy Yeah, whatever you say, boss. Pete pete OK. [to Erin] I'll call you later. Andy andy OK. Erin erin [to Clark] So this is a single. Andy andy Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy. Erin erin [as he and Nellie watch the movie] Oh god. Dwight dwight That is absolutely revolting! Nellie nellie Yeah. Dwight dwight He is so good, though. Nellie nellie Yes. Dwight dwight The way he just cuts off his arm. Nellie nellie If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Dwight dwight Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time. Nellie nellie Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius. Dwight dwight Well, it doesn't make you stupid. Nellie nellie Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid. Dwight dwight Stupid like you. Nellie nellie No, like you. Dwight dwight Like you. Nellie nellie You're the stupid one. Dwight dwight You're the stupid one. Nellie nellie You're the stupid one. Dwight dwight You're the stupid one. Nellie nellie You, you, you, you... Dwight dwight