Erin. Andy andy Yeah. Erin erin In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me. Andy andy Who's calling? Erin erin Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it. Andy andy You're not going to take it? Erin erin Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up. Andy andy Ohohohoh. Erin erin And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is. Andy andy You're not going to get it though? Erin erin I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like "whoa this is a really important meeting". Andy andy Copy that. Erin erin Okay. Andy andy Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it. Andy andy Uh well we've been going with... Client client Andy. Erin erin Yeah. Andy andy You have a very important call. Erin erin I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait. Andy andy Are you sure? It's really, really important. Erin erin There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting. Andy andy Really? Because your mother is dead. Erin erin Oh my God. Client client I don't think she's dead. Andy andy She's dead. She was hit by a bus. Erin erin She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls. Andy andy This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen. Erin erin Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences. Dwight dwight Oh you must take this call. It's... Client client Yeah. Um line 1? Andy andy Line 2. Erin erin Hi. Andy andy [on phone]It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died. Darryl darryl Ooh, gosh! Andy andy Dude. Darryl darryl Officer. Andy andy Look man this is a bad idea. Darryl darryl Did she have any last words or? Andy andy Really? That is messed up man. Darryl darryl Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible. Andy andy You're a bad man Andy Bernard. Darryl darryl That is so mom. Andy andy That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle... Darryl darryl Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we? Andy andy Hey Cathy. Pam pam Hi. Cathy cathy How's it going? Everything make sense? Pam pam I think everything is under control. Cathy cathy Great. Pam pam You should sit down. Cathy cathy Oh no, I'm fine. Pam pam No I should go fill out my paperwork. Cathy cathy Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this. Pam pam Oh we know. Dwight dwight I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on! Pam pam Hey - asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single? Ryan ryan Hmm. Doubt it. Jim jim Yeah me too. Ryan ryan You doubt it? Pam pam What's that? Jim jim Why do you doubt that she's single? Pam pam Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan right? Jim jim What are you doing with my lunch? Darryl darryl I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza? Andy andy It's not pizza. Darryl darryl Yeah and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes. Andy andy I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in? Darryl darryl Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs] Andy andy So word on the street is she has a boyfriend. Ryan ryan Well he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow. Gabe gabe It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office. Toby toby Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence. Oscar oscar Good energy Offscreen offscreen It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh? Pam pam No, no. Not even. Oscar oscar I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing. Pam pam Pam you look more beautiful now than ever. Oscar oscar Radiant. Toby toby Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet. Pam pam Yeah you have this sexy glow. Phyllis phyllis It's one of the most common fetishes. Gabe gabe Really well thank you all. Pam pam You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren. Toby toby Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing? Ryan ryan You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren. Toby toby [everyone agrees] None none Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman. Dwight dwight In this case yes. Oscar oscar No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman. Dwight dwight No we're not. Phyllis phyllis Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian. Dwight dwight [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray. Andy andy Nice scatting, man. Darryl darryl Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point. Andy andy Not bad fellas, you're better than you look. Val val Hey, screw you! Kevin kevin [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early? Andy andy Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here? Robert robert Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes. Andy andy You're a band. Robert robert Thank you. Andy andy We're called Kevin and the Zits. Kevin kevin That was never agreed upon. Darryl darryl I miss being in a band. Robert robert Miss no more! What do you play? Join us! Andy andy I have a tambourine. Kevin kevin Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right? Robert robert [to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends. Andy andy I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car. Robert robert Great! Andy andy Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit! Kevin kevin Again, never agreed upon. Darryl darryl I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life! Andy andy Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right? Darryl darryl Yeah, even cooler. Andy andy We all got to go sometime. Kevin kevin Hey. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim Helen Mirren. Hot? Pam pam Yeah. Super pretty. Jim jim Huh. What about Cathy? Pam pam The temp? Jim jim Yeah. Do you think she's hot? Pam pam Nope. Jim jim I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive? Pam pam And I'm telling you, I don't. Jim jim You don't find Cathy attractive? Pam pam No, I don't. Jim jim No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody. Jim jim Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake. Pam pam Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves] Jim jim That's just absurd. Dwight dwight Yes, because she's hot, right? Pam pam Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on. Dwight dwight The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth. Pam pam Dwight, am I hot right now? Pam pam Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction. Dwight dwight What about before? Was I attractive before? Pam pam Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low. Dwight dwight Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy. Pam pam You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying. Dwight dwight Five bucks if you can get him to admit it. Pam pam Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman. Dwight dwight Yep, that's the Dwight I need. Pam pam If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules. Dwight dwight Okay. Pam pam Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth. Dwight dwight I think so. Okay. Pam pam Rule two: we stop at nothing. Dwight dwight Well, what does that... is that... okay. Pam pam Rule three: Don't fall in love. Dwight dwight Yep, good. Pam pam We're gonna bust this guy. Dwight dwight Honesty is very important to me. Pam pam So important. And then we will destroy the man himself. Dwight dwight Let's just see how we feel when we get there. Pam pam Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam. Kelly kelly None taken. What do you got? Dwight dwight It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot. Kelly kelly Hmm. Pam pam [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us! Robert robert You guys sound great, man. Curtis curtis Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding. Robert robert Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead. Darryl darryl [to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You're the sportscaster on channel seven. Kevin kevin Go Eagles! [laughs] Drummer drummer You do that on TV! Kevin kevin You guys mind if they join us? Robert robert Yeah, absolutely! Andy andy Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and güiro] Kevin kevin Hey, why don't you and me play those? Darryl darryl Yeah? Okay, this is awesome. Kevin kevin What should we play? Robert robert Maybe we should warm up with some scales? Kevin kevin Midnight Rambler? Robert robert Yeah. Curtis curtis Midnight what? Andy andy [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah! Curtis curtis Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single. Pam pam Oh, I stand corrected. Jim jim I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas? Pam pam Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets. Jim jim Mike Tibbets, really? Pam pam Mm-hmm. Jim jim Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive? Ryan ryan Not his mom's car. Jim jim Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z. Ryan ryan Touche? Jim jim [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww! Kelly kelly Kelly, calm down. Pam pam I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs. Kelly kelly I don't think Jim cares about his hair. Pam pam Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person. Kelly kelly I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer. Dwight dwight Jim's on to me. Pam pam Hmm? Dwight dwight Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it. Pam pam Just ugly enough to have deniability. Dwight dwight Yep. Pam pam Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy. Jim jim Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body. Dwight dwight I'm gonna write something mean on his wall. Kelly kelly No, Kelly, don't. Pam pam The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there. Dwight dwight With the crotch? {Pam} and {Kelly} pam kelly With the crotch. Dwight dwight [music plays] Whoo! Kevin kevin Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed] Dwight dwight Who said that? Creed creed Exactly. Dwight dwight How'd I get this long triangle? Creed creed Okay, just shut it. Dwight dwight Is he puffing out his chest? Pam pam I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that? Dwight dwight No. Maybe he just said something funny. Pam pam Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that. Dwight dwight I think he's just making her laugh. Pam pam Time for me to find out. Dwight dwight Why's he making her laugh so much? Pam pam Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch] Dwight dwight Dwight! Jim jim Are you okay? Cathy cathy I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Dwight dwight Dwight! Dwight! Jim jim Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim. Dwight dwight [to Cathy] Sorry about that. Jim jim Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again] Dwight dwight Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why? Jim jim I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance. Dwight dwight Leave. Jim jim [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing. Dwight dwight Why was he making her laugh so much? Pam pam Oh, hey, I'll just be a second. Pam pam Yeah, take your time. Cathy cathy Okay. Pam pam [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander? Cathy cathy Mm-hmm? Jim jim It was from a deleted scene so we were both right. Cathy cathy [laughs] Told you. Jim jim Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or- Cathy cathy Oscar, Cathy has a question! Pam pam Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar. Cathy cathy [to Jim] Yeah? Pam pam You okay? Jim jim Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it. Pam pam Okay, what can I do to make you believe me? Jim jim Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now. Pam pam She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate. Dwight dwight Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do. Pam pam And she called it nuts? Dwight dwight Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going. Darryl darryl Mm-hmm. Kevin kevin Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan? Andy andy Are you serious? From Star Trek? Kevin kevin [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that? Darryl darryl I caught it. Val val What, you don't like the blues? Darryl darryl I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues. Val val Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts] Andy andy I think the music left without you. Val val Come on. Dwight dwight Stop shoving me. Jim jim [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs. Dwight dwight [to Pam] Really? Jim jim This could all go away if you just tell me the truth. Pam pam Uh, are you all in line? Old Man old-man Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert? Dwight dwight Si. Jim jim Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him? Pam pam We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is. Dwight dwight You have to share the machine with others. Old Man old-man [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten. Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first. Jim jim Thank you. Old Man old-man Jim, are you serious? Dwight dwight Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush. Jim jim Maybe we could switch instruments. Andy andy Yeah. Kevin kevin 'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised. Andy andy Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right? Darryl darryl We had to leave because of creative differences. Andy andy Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. Darryl darryl Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now. Kevin kevin No man, we are. Darryl darryl Well- Andy andy No, no, no. Darryl darryl [to old man] Okay, you're done. Dwight dwight I have a new heart, you know. Old Man old-man Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we? Dwight dwight No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time. Jim jim Do you find Cathy Simms attractive? Dwight dwight No. Jim jim Yep, he's lying. Dwight dwight Ah, see, was that so hard? Pam pam I am not lying. Jim jim Really? Pam pam Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test? Jim jim I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really? Dwight dwight Wait, what? Pam pam Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar. Dwight dwight Jim, you have high blood pressure. Pam pam Oh, he is definitely attracted to her. Dwight dwight Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure? Pam pam Yeah, but I don't smoke. Jim jim When was the last time you went to the doctor? Pam pam I don't know. Jim jim It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it- Dwight dwight Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you? Pam pam Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul. Jim jim It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor. Pam pam Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name? Dwight dwight Just go home. It doesn't matter. Pam pam But... hey, Cece's toothbrush. Dwight dwight Thank you. Jim jim Oh baby I love your way. {Andy} and {Darryl} andy darryl Every day. Darryl darryl Wanna be with you night and day. {Andy} and {Darryl} andy darryl And day. {Darryl} and {Kevin} darryl kevin Oh baby I love your way. {Andy} and {Darryl} andy darryl [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do. Andy andy