[knock at Michael's Office door] Yeah? Michael michael You wanted to see me? Oscar oscar Yes, Oscar come on in. Close the door if you would. Thank you, thanks so much for talking to me. Michael michael Yeah sure. Oscar oscar I'm going in for a procedure today. Michael michael Is everything okay? Oscar oscar Yeah, it's routine. I'm just a little bit scared. Michael michael I'm sure everything will be fine. [pulls up a chair] What do you? What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking? Oscar oscar It is a colonoscopy. Michael michael Okay. Oscar oscar In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? [Oscar looks irritated and frustrated] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shaundry? Michael michael [sighs] Oh my God. Oscar oscar My main concern, should I have a safe word? Michael michael Yeah. [Oscar gets up and walks out] Oscar oscar So Michael, do you think you can give me a run down on the Buffalo clients by Monday? David Wallace david-wallace Abso... you know what? I'll do you one better, Sunday, Sunday night. Michael michael Okay, I will look at it Monday. David Wallace david-wallace Ho, Hol, hold on big guy, I'm gonna put it in the mail Sunday night and you'll get it Weds. Michael michael Okay, Jim you wanna hit the conference room? David Wallace david-wallace Sure. Jim jim Hey, Good luck. Pam pam Oh right, this thing. I remember now. [whispers to Jim] What's this about? Michael michael Ah, this is just me and David, if that's okay. Jim jim It's okay with me but he's gonna want me in there. Michael michael No, ah it's okay Michael. We got it. David Wallace david-wallace Really? Michael michael Yeah. David Wallace david-wallace Alright, do you mind if it sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out. Michael michael [nods] Okay. [Jim smiles and waves to Pam] David Wallace david-wallace Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? No, because we are the Three Amigos. And once in awhile one of the Amigos will go off... to the bathroom... while the other two have a secret meeting. [shrugs] Michael michael Hey let me escort you to your desk. Michael michael Okay, it's just three or four steps but thank you, thank you. Pam pam You and Jim are close, huh? Michael michael Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together. Pam pam Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about? What do you... Michael michael Ummm, I don't know. Pam pam Well, you said good luck to Jim as he walked in. Michael michael Did I? Doesn't sound like me, not very superstitious. Pam pam If you are lying to me right now Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk. Michael michael Please don't talk about my breast milk. Pam pam I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you? Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam I just don't want you to. Michael michael I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and the ladder's on top of me. Darryl darryl And that's how you broke your ankle? Toby toby Yes. Darryl darryl Hmmm, interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you, if you fell off of it? Dwight dwight This doesn't concern you man, you need to walk away. Darryl darryl Oh really, I'm sorry I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden. Dwight dwight If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this 'cause we'd have universal healthcare. Darryl darryl Nnnnn, that's not... okay. Dwight dwight Be quiet. Darryl darryl I'm talking about... hmmm. Dwight dwight I will send this off to corporate. Make sure you hold on to your medical bills. Feel better. Toby toby Thanks T-Man, later. [fist bumps Toby} Darryl darryl So long Darryl, feel better... [to Toby] He's lying. Dwight dwight He has a doctor's note. Toby toby Oh? From who, Dr. J? Look, you really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders. Dwight dwight A guy on my street fell off a ladder painting his house. It was on the news. Toby toby Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? [imitating Darryl] Y'all having birthday cake? Dwight dwight That's not a very good Darryl. Toby toby Please... and how many foremen do you know that pull boxes? Dwight dwight Hmmm. Toby toby It just doesn't add up. Dwight dwight Well, we did a little investigation and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. [impression] I'll punch you in da mush, see. Toby toby [walks into conference room on his cell phone, interrupting David and Jim] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it you can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will... I love you too. Bye. Michael michael Who was that? Jim jim Sorry about that. What'd I miss? Michael michael Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind. David Wallace david-wallace Do not mind! Yes, I do! No, I don't. Yes, I do! No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity flop. Oh this... call waiting. [answers his phone] Yeah, uh huh, well you tell the Mayor he just lost six votes. Michael michael [spying on David and Jim] They've been in there a while. Creed creed Yeah. Michael michael Can't be good. Creed creed Nope. Michael michael Think they're talking about me? Creed creed No, I think they're talking about me. Michael michael Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay thanks boss. Creed creed What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That 's bull crap. That is bull crap. Although, it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you there has been work everyday. Had to come in on a Saturday. To retrieve... I left my cell phone here. Michael michael Hey Kelly. Pam pam Ugh, so jealous of your boobs. Kelly kelly Thank you. Um, listen I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable and more than fine. Pam pam Is Ryan going? Kelly kelly I don't know, he hasn't RSVP'd yet. Pam pam We invited everyone in the office to our wedding. Even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [whispers] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. [normal volume] Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off, if they came. So now, people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work. Pam pam Here's the deal. I really want to go but I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim. Kelly kelly What can I do for ya Hoss? Andy andy [staring into the conference room] How are your sales doin'? Michael michael How are my sales doin'? Busted. My numbers are down a little bit and it's 'cause of the economy. You're not buying it, you're good. Okay the truth is, I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine and it's a total mind effer. Andy andy Again with the cousin. Phyllis phyllis Oh, I'm sorry Phyllis, you explain this email, okay. "Hey Andy let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together, ha ha." Andy andy Shhh, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in that room, okay? Michael michael Wallace had to show up on the one four month period that I'm completely overwhelmed. Michael michael You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the air-tight plan and that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just elegant. Michael michael [in the cheese cart] Be my eyes. Michael michael You got it. Andy andy What have we here? Stanley stanley Oh, just backing up and turning around. Andy andy Hey, we're gonna do this... Kevin kevin Dit, dit, dit, dit, it's not for you. [enters the conference room] Pardon moi, Messieurs. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room. Andy andy Cheese platter? David Wallace david-wallace Oui, Oui, Monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar style spread which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine Bleu Cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the bleu cheese. Bon appetit. Andy andy Alright, well I should go. Thanks for this. You've given me a lot to think about. Please promise me you won't do anything until we speak. David Wallace david-wallace No, I won't. Alright, thanks for giving me your time, I appreciate it. Jim jim Thank you Jim. David Wallace david-wallace Erin, is Michael around? David Wallace david-wallace I think he's around here... Erin erin [crawls out of the cheese cart unseen] Hey, hey, you must have walked right past me. How you doin'? Michael michael Ah, yeah, could we talk in your office for a second? David Wallace david-wallace Yes, definitely. Michael michael [spying at Darryl's house] Sounds like a EMDP-40. Toby toby Nah, that's a GE. A P40 is much higher pitched. Dwight dwight You're into trains? Toby toby I have been my whole life. Dwight dwight Wow. Toby toby I'm rebuilding a turn of the century steam engine in my slaughter house. Dwight dwight That's so cool. Toby toby Yeah. Dwight dwight Wow, I'd love to take a look at that. Toby toby Yeah, it's just a run of the mill slaughter house, but sure anytime. Dwight dwight Well, you know, 'cause of the trains. Toby toby Wa... wa... wait , someone's coming. Dwight dwight Uhh, oh boy, oh boy. Toby toby Here, get down! He's not using crutches! Get the camera! Dwight dwight Get over there! Get over there! Toby toby Oh, worker's comp, my ass! Dwight dwight I can't believe this. [mistaking Darryl's sister for Darryl] Hey you, ass****! Toby toby Toby... Dwight dwight You gonna eat all that dog food yourself? Toby toby Ooohhh... [crashes car into garbage cans] Oh man! You okay? Dwight dwight Just keep going. Toby toby Hey Ryan. Pam pam Hey. Ryan ryan So, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding. Pam pam Yeah, I might stop by. Ryan ryan It costs about $75 per person. Pam pam Okay, I once had a glass of Cognac that cost $77. Ryan ryan Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not? Pam pam Yes, I'm coming to your wedding. Ryan ryan Okay, Ryan Howard, yes. Pam pam Probably, yes. Ryan ryan Kelly Kapoor, yes. Pam pam Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilites? David Wallace david-wallace Look who you're talking to. Michael michael I'm just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents. David Wallace david-wallace Well I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman, or child, to have ever run this branch, ever. Michael michael What about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who is ready to move into a management position? David Wallace david-wallace [looks at Jim] Permission to speak on the record? Michael michael Please do. David Wallace david-wallace Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Because Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. I... If I was gonna put someone in charge, I would put Burt in charge or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe. Michael michael I thought you liked Jim? David Wallace david-wallace Very much, Jim is my best friend. But it's his performance report... right here. Now this was written by Toby, who we all know is extremely reliable. David: [reading performance report] "Constant office distractions, spends way too much time at reception, antagonizes other salesman, not at all what he thinks he is." Michael michael It's not very well written, but you get the gist. Michael michael Is there anybody else you think could run the day to day of the branch? David Wallace david-wallace I can just continue to run it myself. Michael michael Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra work load and it involved you being promoted to oversee all northeast sales and then Jim would be promoted to your position. David Wallace david-wallace This was Jim's idea? Michael michael Mmhmm. David Wallace david-wallace Wow. Ummm, well I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H and R Block. Michael michael Ummm... okay, here's the thing though. The plan doesn't work unless we have someone to replace you. I was hoping... plus we have to worry about Jim, he has another job offer. We may have to replace him. David Wallace david-wallace I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example, he handed out Jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown marathon. Jim jim Jim can you walk me out to my car for a second. David Wallace david-wallace Sure. Jim jim [after talking to David, Jim looks dejected] I can't help but feel partially responsible. Michael michael [shakes jelly beans] Little pick me up? [Jim accepts] Oh those are the best. Little sugar rush. Michael michael When you were in the office earlier talking to Wallace, did I come up at all? Jim jim Well we did talk about how handsome you are. Michael michael Why don't we head in your office to talk? Jim jim Oh what a week, God. We said... I know there were certain things we said... Michael michael Michael, look I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason it felt like things had changed. Jim jim Hmmm, that's weird, that's weird... it's kinda weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Michael michael Michael, did you say anything? Jim jim Tell you what, when you leave this office I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion. Michael michael Really? Jim jim Yes! Michael michael You will? Wanna do it right now? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark. Jim jim I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated. Dwight dwight If they were dilated... Toby toby Toby! Dwight! Is that them? Darryl darryl Definitely. Gwenneth gwenneth You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food. Darryl darryl We thought that she was you. Dwight dwight Why would you think a lady is me? Darryl darryl Are you... are you serious? Be... cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this? Dwight dwight No, nah. I don't see it. Toby toby Here's what I'm gonna do, I'm calling corporate and I'm filing a complaint against both of you. Darryl darryl Aww, Darryl. Dwight dwight C'mon Gwenneth. Darryl darryl Sad. Gwenneth gwenneth [on phone] This is David. David Wallace david-wallace Hey David, this is Michael Scott. [Jim pushes speaker phone button] Michael Scott here. Michael michael Yep. David Wallace david-wallace Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive the promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction. Michael michael So, what, you're changing your mind about Jim? David Wallace david-wallace Absolutely, [turns speakerphone off] not. [turns speakerphone back on] Like I said before, Jim is fantastic and he deserves this job. Michael michael Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out... This is not what you said earlier. David Wallace david-wallace Wha... here's the thing, Jim is the best man for this job, I think you should give it to him. Michael michael Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file. David Wallace david-wallace Well, nnnn, that... that was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs. Michael michael Michael, I really don't know what's going on [police sirens in background] down there, but... oh, dammit, I am getting pulled over for talking on my cell, dammit. David Wallace david-wallace Hey Darryl, look ahhh, we're here to apologize ahh... Toby toby Cool. Darryl darryl Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator. Dwight dwight What? Toby toby He broke his ankle climbing over the railing and he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment, case closed. Dwight dwight Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Darryl darryl Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmmm? We should check the security tapes Toby. Dwight dwight Well, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em but I suppose if we wanted to be really certain... Toby toby Alright, yeah fine so whatever... Darryl darryl Yes! Dwight dwight You really did it... Toby toby Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form. Dwight dwight And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister. Darryl darryl Phhhht. No judge is gonna believe that... Dwight dwight Ahhh, kay. Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but you know, we can just move on with our... with our lives. Toby toby So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that both would file complaints with corporate and now I get to do all this paperwork. We worked it out. Toby toby Hey, hey Jim, it would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. Alright, Just do it. Michael michael How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job. Jim jim I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want to lose Pam, [starts to choke up] and now I don't wanna lose the baby. Michael michael So instead, you screwed me? Jim jim That's what she... Michael michael No. Jim jim David Wallace is calling. Erin erin Kind of in the middle of something here. Michael michael Should I tell him you'll call him back? Erin erin I, yeah... no, I'll tell him myself. Let's both. Michael michael [on phone] Hello. Michael michael Hey Michael, you got Jim there with you? David Wallace david-wallace No, it's just us. Michael michael Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please. David Wallace david-wallace Oh, oh, well here he is right now. [Michael knocks on desk] Come in. [Makes sound effects for door opening and footsteps and points to Jim to answer] Michael michael Hi David. Jim jim Hey guys, so I spoke to Alan, we had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board. David Wallace david-wallace Well just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager. Michael michael We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day to day and Michael you would focus on clients and big picture stuff. David Wallace david-wallace Wow, that sounds pretty cool. Jim jim I like that, so manager and co-manager. Michael michael Co-manager and Co-manager. See, there are a lot of moving pieces and this is the only way I can sell it upstairs. David Wallace david-wallace Well that might be a little confusing for people because they know me as manager. Michael michael Alright, hey Michael can you pick up for one second. [Michael picks up phone] Okay look, I'm not going to force you into anything. If you're willing to lose Jim, fine, you just say so and we'll find another solution, okay. Is that what you want to do? David Wallace david-wallace Okay people, listen up, I have an announcement to make, fraud was committed... Dwight dwight Okay everybody, I have an announcement to make... whoa do you have an announcement? Michael michael I'm... I was making it. Dwight dwight Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager. Michael michael Co-manager of what? Stanley stanley Of your butt, and your butt, and your butt, all of the Scranton branch butts. Michael michael What's happening to you Michael? Phyllis phyllis What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager, we will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome. Michael michael [shakes Michael's hand] Thank you. [Dwight looks disappointed and angry behind them] Jim jim AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Dwight dwight Niagara Falls in October? Pfft, hells yeah. Meredith meredith Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card? Pam pam Nah, I'll just tell you now, easier. Meredith meredith Well, you have to choose a food option and there's information in there about directions and lodging... Pam pam I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of, I'll text you. Meredith meredith You are going to text me, the morning of my wedding. Pam pam Uh huh. Meredith meredith To ask for directions.. Pam pam Right... Meredith meredith And you will eat whatever is fanciest? Pam pam Unless there's ribs. [leaves] Meredith meredith Rude. Angela angela So rude, right? Pam pam Mmm hmmm. Angela angela [sits down] Oh my gosh, I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible. Pam pam Pam, my bag was there... Angela angela