Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse? Michael michael Uh, no thanks, I'm good. Ryan ryan Oh, it's okay, I'm going down. Michael michael Um... Yeah, absolutely. Ryan ryan All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs] Michael michael [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo! Dwight dwight [hands Ryan pencil] There you go. Michael michael Awesome! Dwight dwight Thank you. Ryan ryan You're welcome. Michael michael Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse? Dwight dwight Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk] Michael michael Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo! Dwight dwight There you go, fresh from the warehouse. Michael michael Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse? Pam pam There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam. Michael michael But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better. Pam pam Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great. {Ryan} and others ryan others [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee] Michael michael I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained. Michael michael [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar? Pam pam [sighs] All right. Michael michael [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck. Jan jan Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me? Michael michael Michael, Ed died over the weekend. Jan jan Oh, wow. Michael michael Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died. Michael michael Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad. Kelly kelly Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss. Michael michael That's a shame. Ed was a good guy. Phyllis phyllis That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up. Michael michael So did you hear the news? Michael michael The news that you just announced? That Ed died? Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael Is there anything I can do? Pam pam Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam [holds out arms to Pam] Michael michael Oh. Okay. Pam pam Yeah. Mmmmmm. Michael michael [extricating herself] Okay. Pam pam What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list? Josh josh Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry. Karen karen Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure? Josh josh Oh yeah, definitely. Jim jim [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said? Andy andy Thank you, everyone. Josh josh [at vending machine] Dammit. Karen karen What's up? Jim jim Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips. Karen karen Oh. Jim jim But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority. Karen karen Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please. Jim jim It's a real shame about Ed, huh? Creed creed Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'. Michael michael About what? Creed creed The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that. Michael michael Ed was decapitated. Creed creed What? Michael michael Really? Dwight dwight He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off. Creed creed Oh my God. Michael michael That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart. Dwight dwight You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. Creed creed You're thinking of a chicken. Dwight dwight What did I say? Creed creed That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him. Michael michael [clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this... Michael michael Ed was decapitated. Dwight dwight What are you doing? Michael michael You said you didn't know how to say it. Dwight dwight I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out. Michael michael Hey. Dwight dwight Hi. Angela angela If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice. Dwight dwight I do not wanna talk about this. Angela angela When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. Dwight dwight I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here. Michael michael [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off? Jan jan You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off. Michael michael Well, what would you suggest? Jan jan [thoughtfully] A statue. Michael michael Of Ed? Jan jan Yeah. Michael michael [scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic. Jan jan Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him. Michael michael No, that's not-- Jan jan We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move... Michael michael That is not a statue, that is a robot. Dwight dwight I think that is a great way to honor Ed. Michael michael And how big do you want this robot? Dwight dwight Life-size. Michael michael Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us. Dwight dwight What the hell are you two talking about? Jan jan Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan. Michael michael You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today... Jan jan Mm hm. Michael michael ...and I have to get back to work. Jan jan Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck. Michael michael So call me when you feel like having a real conversation. Jan jan But Ed truck can't because he is-- Michael michael Goodbye. [hangs up] Jan jan DEAD. Michael michael Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us. Dwight dwight That's perfect. Michael michael Okay, that is a "no" on the on the West Side Market. Jim jim Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now? Karen karen Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter. Jim jim I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want. Karen karen Really? Jim jim Yeah, all day. Karen karen Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in. Andy andy Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen. Jim jim Did you check the vending machine? Andy andy Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that? Karen karen I have no idea. We went right for the copier. Jim jim Mm. Karen karen And then we checked the fax machine. Jim jim Yeah, nothing there. Karen karen Did you check your... butt? Andy andy Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam. Michael michael Okay that's enough. Phyllis phyllis What? Michael michael We do not wanna hear about this. Stanley stanley Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head! Michael michael You have just spit on my face. Stanley stanley Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work! Michael michael There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job. Michael michael I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone. Michael michael Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car. Roy roy Okay, fine. Hurry back. Michael michael [as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the "grief counseling" session. Roy roy Oh. I would like a break. Pam pam How are you likin' the new car? Roy roy Great. Pam pam Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags? Roy roy I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders. Pam pam [laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah. Roy roy [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen]. Jim jim [laughing] Six? Karen karen [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um... Michael michael You waited for me? Pam pam Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot? Michael michael [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. Dwight dwight Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else. Michael michael [throwing ball back] Nope. Stanley stanley [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go. Michael michael I will NOT. [throws ball back] Stanley stanley Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam. Michael michael Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die. Pam pam Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay. Michael michael [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened. Ryan ryan Do you want to talk about it anymore? Michael michael Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story. Ryan ryan Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so... Kevin kevin Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game? Michael michael Well, there is a ball. Phyllis phyllis All right, we're starting over. Michael michael No, I'm done. Stanley stanley You are not leaving. No! We are not done. Michael michael We really have a lot of work to do right now. Angela angela Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down] Michael michael Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going. Toby toby How do you know? Michael michael What? Toby toby That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing? Michael michael It was obvious... Toby toby Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying] Michael michael Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ... Dwight dwight [seeing bird] Oh, God! Michael michael [in disgust] Oh... Dwight dwight Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ... Michael michael Poor little fella. Dwight dwight Oh shhhh-oot! Michael michael He is a goner. Dwight dwight No, he's not. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face] Michael michael Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria! Dwight dwight Well, you can't get diseases from a bird! Michael michael A dead bird should not be in the kitchen! Angela angela We don't know if it's dead. Michael michael Ugh, no that thing is dead. Kelly kelly You want me to flush him? Dwight dwight Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird. Michael michael I have a lot of work to do. Meredith meredith Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it. Michael michael But... Angela angela No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him. Michael michael I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal. Karen karen Nice! Jim jim [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir. Karen karen Sounded good. Jim jim Thanks. Karen karen [crying] Kelly kelly It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show. Michael michael I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight? Kelly kelly [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah! Dwight dwight What are... What are you doing? Michael michael What? No, this is about the right size. Dwight dwight No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!? Michael michael I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute. Dwight dwight I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining. Dwight dwight Is it for the bird? Pam pam Yeah. Dwight dwight I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box] Pam pam Oh, thank you. Dwight dwight If you wanna do something for the funeral... Pam pam Yes, please. Dwight dwight Maybe you could play a song on your recorder. Pam pam Excellent. Dwight dwight Do you have it with you? Pam pam Always. [runs off] Dwight dwight Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into. Pam pam [spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them? Karen karen Where'd I find what? Jim jim I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door. Jim jim Glad you could all make it. Michael michael You told us we had to. Kelly kelly Dwight, do you have the box? Michael michael Actually, I have it. Pam pam You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice. Michael michael When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five. Ryan ryan I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay. Pam pam Yes. Michael michael What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much. It's just a bird." But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above. Pam pam Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny. Kevin kevin And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song. Pam pam He's not a songbird. Dwight dwight Shhh. Michael michael An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten. Pam pam [quickly] Amen. Angela angela [begins playing recorder] Dwight dwight [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ... Pam pam Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. Michael michael Let's get back to work. Dwight dwight Hey Jimmy. Want to see some pictures of my baby? Hannah hannah Umm... sure. Jim jim [shows picture] Here he is. Hannah hannah [chuckles] He's so cute. Jim jim And here's his first bath. Warning: Hannah hannah [on the phone] Ed Truck died over the weekend. Jan jan Oh, wow. He... Michael michael Yeah. And I know... I know he was your boss, so I thought you should know. Jan jan Does his family know? Michael michael Yes, they know, Michael. Jan jan But I'm the first in the office? Michael michael I guess, yes. I think it would be appropriate for you to make an announcement to your team, in case they want to pay their respects. Jan jan Okay, yes, sure, I will do that... Michael michael Good. Jan jan ...'Cause I'm the first to to find out. Nobody else knows and it is my responsibility to tell them. Well, good. How are you holding up? Want me to come over? [Jan hangs up] Michael michael Ed Truck died. And it blows. They say that with grief, time makes it worse, which is bad for me because I found out before anybody so I've had more time to be sad. Michael michael Attention, everyone. As you know, Ed Truck is dead. If you have any contact information on Rolodex files or in Microsoft Outlook, remove it now. Also, if you have any photographs, Pam will make her shredder available during lunch. That is all. Dwight dwight Remembering the dead doesn't help anybody. The way to best honor them is to figure out what killed them and prevent that thing from killing anyone ever again. In this case, some sort of steel exoskeleton to protect the neck, or else a device that allows the head to live separately from the body. I'm working on both. Dwight dwight I would like you all to clear your schedules this afternoon, because I am telling corporate to send in a grief counselor. We need to find out what is blocking you. And that way, we'll be able to honor Ed the way he deserves to be honored. May he rest in peace. Michael michael ...ces. [chuckles] Kevin kevin What was that, Kevin? Michael michael Nothing. Kevin kevin No, you said something, didn't you? Michael michael May he rest in pieces. [chuckles] You know, because there's, like, two pieces of him. Kevin kevin You think that's funny. Michael michael No. [chuckles] Kevin kevin You are disgusting. Michael michael Michael, no need to call corporate. We are supposed to use Toby. He's trained as a grief counselor. Dwight dwight No, that can't be right. Michael michael Well, I am trained in grief counseling, but, ahh, I don't think that's what they need right now. Toby toby Well, then I guess that makes you about the worst grief counselor in the world, doesn't it? Michael michael Hey there. Roy roy Hi. Pam pam So how's your day going? Roy roy Well, I will be spending the entire afternoon in grief counseling for someone I've never met. Pam pam That sucks. [laughs] You guys got it much harder up here. Roy roy Closer to the epicenter, I guess. Pam pam [laughs] Cool, all right. Roy roy Well, as you know, Ed Truck passed away. So, I'm here to talk about it if anyone would like to. Toby toby Not really. Kevin kevin You're ruining it, already. They should not be given the choice. Michael michael I did not know Ed Truck. So I will probably spend the day zoning out and planning my weekend. I think Ed would have wanted it that way. Ryan ryan Is anyone having any trouble eating? Toby toby No. Kevin kevin Concentrating? Is anyone having trouble getting their work done today? Toby toby I'm having trouble getting my work done today. Stanley stanley Well, look, sometimes things crop up later. So, uhh, you should know I'm always available if anyone would like to talk. Toby toby Wow. Wow. No. No. You are the most heartless, soulless person I've ever met. Michael michael Michael, I'm sorry... Toby toby No. No. Shh. Enough. It is going to take me hours to undo all the damage that your have done here. Dwight, Ryan, I want you to take the table out. We're gonna go on a five minute break, and when you come back, we're going to start with a clean slate, and, in the interim, I would like you to forget everything that Toby has said, okay? Michael michael I don't think I'm overstating it when I say that Toby is a plague on this company. And he is worthless. You give people a chance to shine and they blow it, just like you knew they would. Grief counseling is not about, "Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?" These people are so far gone, you have to stick a food tube down their throats. Michael michael Okay, part of the problem was that Toby talked at you. Now, I am going to talk with you. First off, I want you to be comfortable, because you really can't grieve if you're all tight and buttoned up. So, guys, loosen your ties, just take your jackets off if you want. Ladies, let your hair down. You know what? Even take your shoes off. I wanna get personal and I want you all to really open up. And I want you to know that anything and everything can be said. Michael michael Okay. I don't think Kevin should take his shoes off. Angela angela My feet do not smell. Angela knows that hyperhidrosis is a medically diagnosed condition. Kevin kevin I found an exercise in Toby's binder that he managed to miss, that involves screening the part of you that says, "I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna talk about that. That is too private." Here's how it works. I'm going to throw you this ball. Michael michael Yeah, the ball-throwing exercise is in the binder. It's in the section marked, "Fun Ways To Make Brainstorming Sessions Explode With Excitement and Creativity." Toby toby Hey, my cousin Billy, they just had the twins. Roy roy Really? Pam pam Yeah. Roy roy Wow, I thought that was supposed to be, like, next month. Pam pam Yeah, I know. I guess they couldn't wait. I'll bring in a picture if you... Roy roy Yeah, I'd love to see them. Oh, and tell them I say, "Congratulations." Pam pam Sure. Roy roy I should probably head back in. Pam pam Yeah? Roy roy But, umm, thanks for the break. Pam pam No problem. Roy roy [in his office playing with a Dunder Mifflin Truck when it drops and the "head" of the Truck comes off] Michael michael Michael once told me that Home Alone is the saddest movie ever. When I asked him why, he said, "Because the whole family forgets the kid at home. There is nothing funny about that." Pam pam That's... Hold it, hold it, hold it. Start, like, right in there. [Dwight digs hole in ground] Just dig. Michael michael Ow! God! Dwight dwight Okay, give it to me. You don't know what you're doing. All right. [Michael starts digging] Michael michael Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing over there? Man man Nothing. Let's just... all right. [talks to warehouse guys] Guys, do you have a box we could use? Michael michael