I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and... Pam pam [Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.] Phyllis. Pam pam Would you sign here? [Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.] Delivery Man delivery-man Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big. Pam pam "Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." Meredith meredith Isn't he sweet? Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Wow. Meredith meredith Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. [Dwight holds up passport.] Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO. Michael michael And you want me to come with you. Dwight dwight Nope. The opposite of that. Michael michael I will stay here and run things on this end. Dwight dwight Ok, good. Michael michael Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York? Dwight dwight I probably will, why do you ask? Michael michael Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know... Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael Screwed. Dwight dwight What is your problem? Michael michael This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love. Michael michael Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything? Michael michael That's OK. Pam pam Alright. Michael michael The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO. Oscar oscar Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya! Michael michael Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name. Michael michael So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great. Jim jim What's this? What is this? Dwight dwight I dunno, it's on your desk. Jim jim Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose? Dwight dwight It was there when I sat down. Jim jim [opens box and reads card] Happy Valentine's Day. [pulls out bobble head] It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! [Angela smirks in background] Ahh! Dwight dwight The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. [Michael walks toward Sbarro.] Michael michael Hey Kelly. What's up? Jim jim Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome. Kelly kelly OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [starts to walk away] Jim jim And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say. Kelly kelly Wow. Jim jim So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that? Kelly kelly Wow. Jim jim Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed. Kelly kelly No, don't be. Jim jim Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe. Kelly kelly I bet. Jim jim So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend. Kelly kelly Alright. [Kelly squeals] Jim jim [anguished] I hooked up with her on February 13th. Ryan ryan Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. [points] We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here. Michael michael Woah. [Delivery man with flowers] Kevin kevin Guess what? Pam pam Really, Oh, they're from Bob again. Phyllis phyllis That's great. [Meredith scowls] Pam pam Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. Michael michael This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey [points]. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? [walks over] OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were [Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael], OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. [to camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh. Michael michael Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten. Dwight dwight Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. Angela angela Oh I did. I did. Dwight dwight I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. Angela angela Oh, I bet you will before the day is over. Dwight dwight Really? Well, I hope I do. Angela angela I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. [Michael sees it's the end of a street.] OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it. Michael michael [on phone] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye. Jim jim Woah, woah [Delivery man with oversized bear] Kevin kevin Phyllis Lapin. Delivery Man delivery-man OH, Holy God! Pam pam It's from Bob. Delivery Man delivery-man Man, that thing's bigger than I am. Kevin kevin No, it's not. Delivery Man delivery-man Oh zip it. Kevin kevin There they are. What's up? Hey hey. Michael michael Hey. Craig craig Michael Scott. [sticks out hand for handshake] Josh josh Josh Porter, high five. [They high five] Bam. Michael michael You know Dan Gore from Buffalo. Josh josh Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [bump fists] Michael michael What's up buddy? Craig craig You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true? Michael michael Guilty, yeah. Craig craig So what's going on? What I miss? Michael michael Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations. Josh josh Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... [awkward silence] Michael michael Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately? Dwight dwight You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here. Pam pam No, Pam, Just. Just, [tilts head away, towards another room] Dwight dwight You need to get something for your girlfriend. Pam pam [same time as Pam] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of... Dwight dwight Tightly wound? Pam pam (smirking) Exactly. Dwight dwight Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is. Pam pam You mean, like a ham? Dwight dwight No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her. Pam pam Ok, I get it. Dwight dwight That you remember her. Pam pam Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. [gets up and leaves] Dwight dwight What about you, Craig, you lose anyone? Josh josh Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said "You gotta fire four people," and I was just like, "What?" Ya know? Craig craig Did you? Josh josh No, I just ignored her. She's the worse. Craig craig She is our boss. Josh josh She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch. Craig craig Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it. Michael michael What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan? Craig craig Maybe because she's my girlfriend. [starts retracting statement] Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and... Michael michael You hooked up with Jan? Josh josh You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it, Michael michael Yeah, let's change the subject. Josh josh Yeah, yeah. Michael michael I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever. Kelly kelly Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan walks in] Jim jim Soda. Ryan ryan [to Ryan] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or... Kelly kelly [under breath] Oh, no, not while I'm here. Jim jim I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So... Kelly kelly I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends. Ryan ryan OK, That's cool. I completely understand. Kelly kelly Cool. Cool. OK. Ryan ryan Josh Porter, Stamford. Jan jan David [to Josh and shakes hands] David Wallace david-wallace Nice to meet you. Josh josh And Michael Scott, Scranton. Jan jan Nice to meet you. David Wallace david-wallace Ditto. [to Jan] How are you Jan? Michael michael Fine Michael. Thank you. Jan jan OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to... David Wallace david-wallace Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous. Jan jan So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets. Josh josh Thanks very much. David Wallace david-wallace Thank you. Josh josh OK, Michael. David Wallace david-wallace What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.] Michael michael Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on. Michael michael Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about. Michael michael And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. Michael michael Questions? Michael michael Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great. David Wallace david-wallace Yes, thank you. Michael michael But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well? David Wallace david-wallace Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... [hands over report] Michael michael [with flowers] Can you sign? Delivery Man delivery-man Yeah. Pam pam [delivering plant to Oscar's desk] Oscar. Pam pam Nothing for me? Angela angela [walks away] Join the club. Pam pam Whose it from? [to Oscar] Kevin kevin My mom. [puts card in pocket] Oscar oscar It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together. Kelly kelly You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't. Jim jim Yeah, it would be so great if he was. Kelly kelly Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight. Jim jim Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? [Jim leaves] Kelly kelly And that about does it, thank you. Dan Gore dan-gore OK. [looks toward Craig] Craig, Jan jan Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot. Craig craig Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant? Jan jan I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal. Craig craig So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch? David Wallace david-wallace That is correct, yes. Craig craig Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken? Jan jan Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know. Craig craig Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch. Jan jan Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. [David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.] Craig craig Oh, ok. Alright. Michael michael NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired. Jan jan No you're not. Michael michael Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just [scratches head] can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together. Jan jan Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So... Michael michael Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand? Jan jan Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David. Michael michael Surely, you cannot be serious? Jan jan I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane. Michael michael Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving. Dwight dwight Hey babe. Roy roy Hey. Pam pam You almost ready to go? Roy roy I guess, yeah. Pam pam What's wrong? Roy roy Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her. Pam pam What, you're mad at me? Roy roy I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day. Pam pam Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life. Roy roy You understand this is a very serious situation. David Wallace david-wallace No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [Jan looks at Michael] Michael michael You made a joke? David Wallace david-wallace I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David grins] Michael michael Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss... David Wallace david-wallace I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. Michael michael Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it. Jan jan Good. [Michael leaves office] David Wallace david-wallace Heading out? Pam pam Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. Jim jim Bye. [Jim leaves] Pam pam Goodnight Pam. [Leaves with oversized bear on back.] Phyllis phyllis Night Phyllis. Pam pam Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice. Jan jan Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again. Michael michael Oh, no, it's OK. [Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.] So, uh, Happy valentine's Day. Jan jan Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.] Michael michael Oh. Jan jan Oy vey... schmear. [Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.] Michael michael Everybody, hello, can I have your attention, please? Since it's Valentine's Day, there's something that I wanted to say. I love the women of this office. Pam, I love you. Michael michael Michael's got a few tricks for Valentine's Day. He found a place where you can get 12 plastic roses for $10 and he's got a great line. "Me so thorny." Pam pam I love you, Angela. Yes, even you. I love you, Kelly. I love you, Meredith. This is all platonically, of course. Michael michael I love ladies, always have. And you know what I think is the most attractive part of a woman's body? The brains. Because I don't think a woman is beautiful unless she is smart. And also, the brains are where the ladies get their best nasty ideas for bedroom stuff. Michael michael You have any big Valentine's Day plans, Kev? Pam pam Not really, my fiance is out of town. Kevin kevin Where is she? Pam pam I'm not sure. Arizona? Sometimes she doesn't tell me. Kevin kevin Cool. Pam pam That's a lot of noodles. How much sodium do you think is in that cup? This place used to be full of hookers and porn shops and it's not that way anymore. There's an old building. That one hasn't been torn down yet, but they will. They'll get to it. Michael michael Happy Valentine's Day, Meredith. Oscar oscar Thanks. Meredith meredith Okay, you take it easy, ace. Creed creed Here you go, Creed. Oscar oscar Hey, thanks, ace. Creed creed I'm not good with names. Creed creed This is where it's all happening. We got TGI Fridays. I'm in the picture! Sometimes I just jump into people's pictures. Lot of people have their picture taken. It's kind of a New Yorker thing. You jump in on a tourist's picture and kind of ruin it. There's an energy to New York that you just feel. Um, everybody... Don't get hit. Everybody is kind of together and everybody hates each other, but loves each other at the same time. Screw off! People just yell at each other in New York, and it's great. Michael michael I'm gonna go call Bob. Phyllis phyllis So, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker I'm gonna spend it with my fiance. Pam pam Okay. Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker What are you guys doing? Pam pam Probably go grab dinner with my girlfriend. He's gonna be pulling his pud watching Skinemax. [points to Vance Refrigeration Worker #2] Vance Refrigeration Worker #1 vance-refrigeration-worker Nice. Pam pam Okay, okay. That's enough. Dwight dwight Hey. Phyllis phyllis Come on, break this up. Dwight dwight Yes, sure. Mr. Scott, you can head to the conference room. The other managers are already there. Receptionist receptionist Great. Thank you. Michael michael All right. Receptionist receptionist Okay, here's the thing about Jan. She talks such a big game about, "Oh there's nothing between us and stop talking about it." And "Border-line harassment when you call me at home." But let me ask you this, is it just a coincidence that this meeting is taking place on Valentine's Day? Answer, maybe, but maybe not. We shall see. Michael michael How do you spell "animalian"? Dwight dwight Animalian? Jim jim Yes. Dwight dwight Why? Jim jim None of your business. I'm writing something. Dwight dwight You're writing something? Jim jim Forget it. I'll look it up myself. Dwight dwight Okay. Jim jim No, you know what? You do it. Dwight dwight No, I'm not gonna do that. Jim jim Uh, yes, I'm in charge. You have to. Look it up. Dwight dwight But I know how to spell it. Jim jim So tell me. Dwight dwight Only if you tell me what you're writing. Jim jim Forget it. I'll do it. But you're getting written up. Dwight dwight So now you're writing two things? Jim jim Dwight lives on a beet farm and he practices karate at the forth grade level. And he apparently has a girlfriend, so... I guess there really is someone for everybody. Jim jim [phone ringing] Hi, this is Kevin. Stacy? Happy Valentine's Day. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Okay. Yeah, I'll be leaving here soon. Cool. I love you, too. Okay, 'bye. Stacy's back. Kevin kevin That's great, man. Oscar oscar Hey Scott. Hey. Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here! I want to talk to you. Come here! Devon devon You know what? It was nice to see Devon again. To sort of get closure on that whole thing. Michael michael