[bouncing on an exercise ball] You should get one of these. Dwight dwight No. Thank you. Jim jim Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts. Dwight dwight Done. Jim jim This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [knocks things around Jim's desk] Sorry. Dwight dwight S'ok. Jim jim Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex. Dwight dwight You're not having sex. Jim jim Plus, improves your reflexes [knocks over more stuff] see, I would have caught that. Dwight dwight Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that? Jim jim It's only twenty-five bucks. Dwight dwight Wow. Um, ok. [pops Dwight's orb with scissors] Jim jim Pam, could I see you in my office? Michael michael It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect. Pam pam Pam, you're trustworthy- Michael michael Thank you. Pam pam And a woman- Michael michael Oh, no. Pam pam And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. [Jan on recording] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon." First impressions? Michael michael Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon. Pam pam My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been [makes slashing neck hand motion] swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual. Michael michael [playing Jan's message] "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me? Michael michael She missed you. Pam pam But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words. Michael michael I have one idea of what it means. Pam pam Ok. Yeah, what, what? Michael michael Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this. Pam pam Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review- Michael michael Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you. Pam pam Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that? Michael michael Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward. Pam pam Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. [plays Jan's message] "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you". Michael michael Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review. Dwight dwight Ok. Jim jim Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders. Dwight dwight We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders. Jim jim Oh, yes, we do. Dwight dwight No, we don't. Jim jim Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise. Dwight dwight Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. Jim jim Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? Dwight dwight I win. Jim jim Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid. Dwight dwight Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right? Jim jim Uh, duh. Dwight dwight Duh. Jim jim Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon. Jim jim Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. Stanley stanley Really? Michael michael Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses. Stanley stanley God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry. Michael michael Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact. Stanley stanley No kidding. Michael michael It's all about my bonus. Stanley stanley Michael and Jan definitely made out. Pam pam Ohh... Jim jim Maybe more. Pam pam Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'. Jim jim Oh, yea! Pam pam Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn. Michael michael I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny. Angela angela Michael? Pam pam Yeah? Michael michael Jan's on the phone for you. Pam pam Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year. Michael michael Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. [puts Jan on speakerphone] Yeah? Michael michael Michael. Jan jan Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure? Michael michael I am returning your many calls. Jan jan Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's. Michael michael No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch. Jan jan Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's. Michael michael Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael. Jan jan Oh. Michael michael I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior. Jan jan Been thinking about you. Michael michael Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior. Jan jan Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just- Michael michael Michael. Jan jan Yep. Michael michael Are the cameras with you... Jan jan No. Michael michael ...in your office? Jan jan They are not. Yes, they are. [Jan hangs up] That's my girlfriend. Michael michael I heard they made out and had sex. Kevin kevin No, they just made out. That's it. Oscar oscar Well, I heard they made out and had sex. Kevin kevin Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved. Angela angela Romances? Kevin kevin Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder? Michael michael Sorry. Pam pam That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there. Michael michael What suggestion box? Pam pam The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes? Michael michael Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started. Pam pam Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p. Michael michael Don't you mean constructive criticism? Ryan ryan What did I say? Michael michael You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense. Kelly kelly Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K? Michael michael [on phone] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a... Jim jim Saturday. Dwight dwight [pumps fist] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon. Jim jim [on phone] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. [to Pam] Could you please tell Michael that I'm here? Jan jan Sure. Pam pam Hi, Jan. How are you? Michael michael I'm good; how are you? Jan jan Good to see you. Michael michael Nice to see you. Jan jan Ok. [tries to kiss Jan's hand] Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here. Michael michael Can we please go in your office? Jan jan Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. [mouths to Pam] No calls. Michael michael Oooo. Kevin kevin Alright [takes Jan's coat]. Michael michael Thank you. Jan jan It's nice to see you. Michael michael Nice to see you too, Michael. Jan jan Really? Michael michael Not like that. Jan jan Oh, well. Michael michael You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business. Jan jan Alright. Michael michael Period. Jan jan Yep. Michael michael Do we understand each other. Jan jan Absolutely. Michael michael I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business. Michael michael So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then? Jan jan No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. [cold Jan stare] We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question? Michael michael No. Jan jan This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise. Michael michael Fine. Jan jan Are you wearing a new perfume today? Michael michael How is that a business question? Jan jan Well, you're wearing it at the office. And [smells Jan] it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy. Michael michael Please don't smell me, Michael. Jan jan Hey, Jim. Pam pam Hey, how's it goin'? Jim jim Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night? Pam pam Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it? Jim jim Can you believe who Trump fired? Pam pam No, that was unbelievable. Jim jim Who? Who was it? Who did he fire? Dwight dwight You didn't see it? Pam pam No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking? Dwight dwight I don't understand- [phone rings] Hold on. Sorry. [answers] Yes, Pam. Michael michael Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting. Pam pam I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt. Michael michael You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here. Pam pam I did not, not, not use those words. Michael michael Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting [to Pam] is it happening right now? Jan jan No, it's in like ten minutes. Michael michael Everyone's waiting in the conference room. Pam pam Great. Very good. Jan jan Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: Michael michael I can't, I can't- Jan jan I don't understand why you're so upset. Michael michael Please sit down. Jan jan Let me ask you- Michael michael You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there. Jan jan Ok, let me ask you this. Michael michael Please, sit yourself down. Jan jan Let me ask you something. Michael michael What, Michael. Jan jan Where did you get your outfit? Michael michael [loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! [plays air guitar] Yes! [kicks] Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome! Dwight dwight I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened. Michael michael Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same Jan jan Look- Michael michael Michael? Dwight dwight Oh my God... Michael michael I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out? Dwight dwight No, Dwight; come in. Jan jan Great. Dwight dwight What do you want Dwight? Michael michael I am ready for my performance review. Dwight dwight Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye. Michael michael Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael? Jan jan You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave. Michael michael Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise? Dwight dwight Why on earth would we give you a raise? Michael michael That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: Dwight dwight Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. [digs a cigarette out of her purse] Do you have a light? Jan jan And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of". Dwight dwight That's from Superman? Michael michael Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise. Dwight dwight Do you think Michael and Jan actually... Pam pam I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam. Jim jim How do you come back from that? Pam pam Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together. Jim jim No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that? Pam pam Oh- Jim jim As a human being. Pam pam Yeah, no, I don't think you can. Jim jim I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow. Jan jan Wait. Michael michael 'K? Jan jan Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why? Michael michael Michael, now is not the time or the place. Jan jan Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place? Michael michael No, I am saying we are never having this conversation. Jan jan Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance? Michael michael Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.' Jan jan I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio? Michael michael Michael, it has nothing- Jan jan Am I too short? Michael michael With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate. Jan jan Really? Michael michael Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok? Jan jan I appreciate that, thank you. Michael michael And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that- Jan jan No, I wasn't, I didn't cry- Michael michael At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok? Jan jan So my looks have nothing to do with it? Michael michael Ohhh, God. Jan jan Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now. Michael michael Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight? Michael michael Ummm... no idea. Jim jim Never missed a day, my ass. Michael michael [Jim bows to Pam; she bows back] Thank you. Pam pam [running through parking lot] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok! Dwight dwight Oscar, I'm ready for you. Michael michael Today is performance-review day, company-wide, and I'm a little concerned about my review. I exceeded my sick days and my personal days because I just couldn't take it. And I don't have a good answer for him, when he asks me. Oscar oscar So... Michael michael Michael, I don't know what to say. Oscar oscar Um, you're in accounting... Michael michael Yes, I'm in accounting and I'm sorry and all the extra days. I know I passed my limit. Oscar oscar So, good, good, good. Something to work toward, being here more. I'm a big believer in people being here more. Michael michael Yes. Oscar oscar You know what this is? Dwight dwight Yes. Jim jim No, you don't. Dwight dwight Then why the question? Jim jim This is a visual aid for my performance review. Budget is tight, and if anyone is getting a raise, it is gonna be a fight to the death. And I intend on winning that fight. "Dwight: determined, worker, intense, good worker, hard worker, terrific. Dwight." Dwight dwight I have one, too. Jim. Jim, Is Jim. My name is Jim. Jim jim That's a total waste of your "M." Dwight dwight Really? Jim jim Yeah. Dwight dwight You have a better idea? Jim jim Yeah, magnificent worker, marvelous worker, more money for this worker. Man, I like this worker. Mighty worker. That's good. That's good. Dwight dwight I'll use that. Jim jim I am not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business. Jan jan All right. Michael michael Period. Jan jan Yup. Michael michael Do we understand each other? Jan jan Absolutely. Michael michael "I am not going to discuss anything outside of Dunder Mifflin business, period." Okay. Now, why would Jan say she only wants to talk business and then make it clear that she is on her period? God, I don't understand women. How about a clear signal, right? Is that too much to ask? Michael michael So, that's... It's great. Jim jim Yes, it is. Michael michael Yeah. You have fun? Jim jim Yes, I did. Michael michael Did you go to first base? Jim jim Hell, yeah. Michael michael Oh, yeah? Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael Did you go to second? Jim jim What? Michael michael Second. Jim jim Kind of, yeah. Over the shirt, my elbow, but... Michael michael Okay, so close call at second. Was there an infield fly? Jim jim Um, yup, wait, yes. Michael michael Pop-up? Jim jim No, there... Later there was. Michael michael Really? Jim jim Yes. Michael michael So, you got the signal from the third-base coach. You know what I'm saying? Like if there was a fly out to deep right, you know. A runner on second. He tagged up, didn't he? Jim jim I didn't, you know, it was... It was dark, for one thing. Michael michael Office romances. Um... [laughs] I think you should probably ask Pam 'cause she's in an office romance, technically. Jim jim Let's just push on, shall we? Michael michael Pushing on. Dwight dwight It's next. Just keep it. "Look on the supply shelf." What? What is that? All right, Ryan, look on the supply shelf, would you? Michael michael Yeah. It's another note. Ryan ryan Okay, yeah. Michael michael "Look on the windshield." Ryan ryan Okay. Michael michael Does it specify which windshield? Dwight dwight I'll check them all. Ryan ryan This ought to be good. Dwight dwight Which one? Jim jim Oh, no, no. It's on the Miata. Dwight dwight He sees it. Pam pam What does it say? Dwight dwight He can't hear you? Jim jim Okay, field trip's over. Come on. Could we please get back to this? Michael michael [clapping] Come on. Let's get back to this. Dwight dwight All right, don't break any lands-speed records getting back, okay, Stanley? Michael michael I'm back. Stanley stanley Christ Almighty. Michael michael "Look under the sink in the men's room." Ryan ryan All right, next suggestion. Michael michael Next suggestion. Dwight dwight "Don't..." Okay, that's blank. Don't. Just... Michael michael "Don't sleep with your boss." Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? Dwight dwight Okay, let me make something clear. As embarrassing as this is, I feel that it needs to be said. There is nothing romantic or sexual going on with Michael and myself. Jan jan Well... Michael michael The other night, I gave him a polite congratulatory kiss because he just closed the biggest deal of his career. And that's it. If anything else has been implied, Dwight, or inferred, Michael, Creed, it's just not true, okay? It's not true. So... Is everyone straight on that? Jan jan Crystal. Michael michael There's one more suggestion. Dwight dwight How pleasant. You can... Michael michael "Way to go man, Jan's really hot." Dwight dwight Okay, I think we're good. Michael michael Oh, my God. When Dwight said no one wants to come in on a Saturday... Pam pam I know. Jim jim I almost lost it. That was too good. Pam pam Well, that is because that is the gift that keeps on giving. Oh, my God. I left today's paper on my desk. Jim jim You mean yesterday's paper. Pam pam What? Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Wow. You are very good at what you do. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam Hey, temp. Dwight dwight Hey. Ryan ryan Look, we're twins. Dwight dwight Cool. Ryan ryan Bet you I got mine for less than yours. Dwight dwight I bet you did. Ryan ryan Getting a little something that calm the nerves? Dwight dwight What nerves? Ryan ryan For the performance review. Oh, wait, you don't get one. You're a temp. Dwight dwight Actually, I had mine already. Ryan ryan You're lying. Dwight dwight Why would I lie about a performance review? Ryan ryan Why would Michael give you one before me? Dwight dwight I think because my name is before yours in alphabetical order. [coins dropping] Ryan ryan How did it go? Dwight dwight Fine. He actually gave me a small raise, which I did not ask for. [hits vending machine] It's stuck. [Dwight begins throwing his entire body into the vending machine] It's cool, it fell. Ryan ryan [Wild Side playing] You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Yes, you are. You are gonna give me this raise. Ya! Ya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation, right? You are gonna give me this raise! Why? Because I'm awesome, awesome, yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for your time, dude. Champ. My lord, mi amigo. Mi amor. Ha! Wild side! I am ready. [groans] Dwight dwight Yeah, that got a little out of control. Jan's taking a break, which is fine. I'm doing the same, just chilling. Getting my mind off of us. She's right. I need to be more professional at the office. When I'm at work, I need to focus on work. I should call her ex-husband. Michael michael Hello, is this R. Gould? Hi there. My name is Michael Scott, I work at Dunder Mifflin. I believe I work with your wife, ex-wife, Jan. Yeah, that's right, yes. Um... I was wondering if I could ask a personal question about her. Mmm-hmm. Okay, well, could I ask anyway? Uh-huh. Well, I'm just gonna ask. When you guys were dating was she sort of easy to get and then really hard to get? Michael michael Yeah, that Gould is a real interesting guy, a gem. I can see why he and Jan are no longer together. If my conversation with him is any measure of their relationship, he was verbally abusive, he was curt. He was... He had an inability to communicate, shall I say? He was emotionally unavailable. I don't know how she dealt with that as long as she did. Michael michael Never... Michael michael Never for me always means never, ever, ever. Jan jan Well, then, Gould wasn't kidding. Michael michael What? Jan jan Nothing, I just... Michael michael What did you say, Michael? Jan jan Nothing. Michael michael Did you call my ex? Jan jan No, I did not. Michael michael Gould, you said, Gould. Jan jan Maybe I did. Maybe I called him, I don't know. Michael michael How dare you, Michael? My personal life is off-limits to you. Jan jan I... Michael michael Okay, how dare you do that? Jan jan I didn't do that. I... Maybe he called me. Michael michael Why would he do that? Why would he call you, Michael? Why would my husband call you? Jan jan Ex-husband, you have to let it go. Michael michael I mean... Jan jan "Look under the suggestion box." "I can't believe I kept this up all day." Signed, me. Ryan ryan What is an office? Is it a group of people? Maybe. Is it an idea? Of course, yes. Is it a living organism? Exactly, yes. And any single cell organism has to have a spine, and that's me. But the spine is always controlled by a brain, and that is Jan. But the brain needs a heart, and that is me again. So ironic. You know what? The heart is smarter than the brain. But the brain is so effing hot. Michael michael