I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast. Michael michael I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Ryan ryan Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan. Michael michael What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for? Ryan ryan Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do. Michael michael I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. Ryan ryan Ok. [Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. Michael michael Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate. Michael michael Diversifying. Smart. Dwight dwight Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you. Michael michael And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers. Dwight dwight Maybe. Michael michael [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk] Jim jim [laughs] Pam pam Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him. Pam pam You see Dwight's coffee mug? Pam pam Mm-hmm. Jim jim Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it. Pam pam No way. Let's do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh. Jim jim Here. Pam pam Wind. Jim jim Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight. Pam pam Perfect. [misses] Jim jim Oh. Pam pam Oh. Jim jim You should go. Dwight dwight Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. Michael michael Uh huh. Dwight dwight Sign the papers at the condo. Michael michael You have your lawyer there? Dwight dwight Uh, I don't need one. Michael michael Can I be your representative? Dwight dwight I don't need a representative. Michael michael I think I should be there. Dwight dwight No, No. Michael michael I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code. Dwight dwight No. Dwight. I'm fine. Michael michael Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work. Dwight dwight Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. Michael michael So you're taking a personal day? Dwight dwight Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. Michael michael Please, I'll make you proud. Dwight dwight Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come. Michael michael Yes! As your representative? Dwight dwight As my associate. Michael michael Same thing. Dwight dwight No it is not. Michael michael I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Dwight dwight Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. Michael michael You headed out? Pam pam We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day. Michael michael Ok. Pam pam Very good. Michael michael Have a great time. Pam pam We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines? Michael michael Yeah, I changed them to your new address. Pam pam Good. The Small Business Man? Michael michael Yup. Pam pam Maxim? American Way? Cracked? Michael michael Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription. Pam pam How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly? Michael michael [shakes head] Pam pam NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam Ok. See you soon. Michael michael What kind of shocks you got on this baby? Dwight dwight I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing? Michael michael [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down. Dwight dwight What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please... Michael michael But then no one can see us. Dwight dwight I... Just... Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner. Michael michael Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator. Dwight dwight I do not understand what you spend your money on. Michael michael [paper football lands on desk] Ooh. Kevin kevin Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter? Jim jim Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know. Oscar oscar [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean? Jim jim Eh. Oscar oscar Wait a minute, what is this? Jim jim It's a scoreboard. Oscar oscar What? Jim jim Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. Oscar oscar Really? Jim jim Yeah. Oscar oscar Or when we're bored. Kevin kevin Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. Jim jim We're bored a lot. Kevin kevin [flicks football onto Kevin's desk] OH! Jim jim Oh! Kevin kevin Sweet! Oscar oscar Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah. Jim jim We call it Hate Ball. Kevin kevin Why? Jim jim Because of how much Angela hates it. Kevin kevin Hey, do you guys have any other games? Jim jim Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?" Kevin kevin You play that. Angela angela You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. Oscar oscar Home, sweet home. Michael michael Which one's yours? Dwight dwight Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... [turns around] no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. Michael michael [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that's what this sound is all day. Jim jim Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association. Carrol carrol Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. Michael michael Nice to meet you. Bill bill Nice to meet you too. Michael michael This is smaller than your old place. Dwight dwight Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. Michael michael Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex. Dwight dwight Are we ready to sign some papers? Carrol carrol Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. Dwight dwight It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles. Bill bill It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. Carrol carrol Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. Michael michael Let's go check out the master bedroom. Dwight dwight Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games? Jim jim Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college." Stanley stanley Fair enough. Jim jim This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. Michael michael Oh. Terrible idea. Dwight dwight I'm putting my bed right over here. Michael michael No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. Dwight dwight Well, then I will get a warrantee. Michael michael Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. Dwight dwight Well then I won't get a warrantee. Michael michael Shh Shh. Dwight dwight So that's the problem, is solved. What? Michael michael Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. Dwight dwight [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. Jim jim It smells like cookies. Kevin kevin Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. Jim jim Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. Pam pam I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. Angela angela Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme] Jim jim And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow. Carrol carrol What kind of mortgage did you get? Dwight dwight Uh... Ten year. Michael michael Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. Carrol carrol What? Wha? You said ten. Michael michael Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. Carrol carrol Ho, thirty years. Dwight dwight Ok, ok, ok. Michael michael Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. Dwight dwight Alright. Michael michael Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live. Dwight dwight Ok. Alright. Oh boy. Michael michael Well, this is it. Dwight dwight Whenever you're ready. Carrol carrol Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off? Michael michael Actually yes. Carrol carrol Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants. Dwight dwight Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. Michael michael We'll be here waiting for you. Dwight dwight Oh, man. Michael michael A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people. Dwight dwight Whenever you're ready, Michael. Carrol carrol Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees] Michael michael You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam? Jim jim Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton. Pam pam Hum. Jim jim In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. Pam pam Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. Jim jim The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. Pam pam So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone? Jim jim I'll do it. Phyllis phyllis Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk. Jim jim The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't... Michael michael What? Carrol carrol ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. Michael michael Michael, this is the unit you saw and... Carrol carrol Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. Michael michael Who told you that? Carrol carrol As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. Michael michael There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. Michael michael Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. Carrol carrol No, no, no. Michael michael That's some extra income for you. Carrol carrol I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. Michael michael You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. Carrol carrol Ehhhh.... Michael michael I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun. Michael michael Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs] Dwight dwight Here we go. Here we go. Jim jim Go! Go! Go! Pam pam Pair of shoes! Oscar oscar Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis! Jim jim It's Phyllis! Pam pam Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton. Jim jim Flonkerton. Pam pam Thank you, delegate from Iceland. Jim jim Wow! Meredith meredith [empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth] Kevin kevin Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow. Jim jim There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today. Michael michael You didn't have to... Dwight dwight No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. Michael michael Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. Michael michael I don't even know what to say. Dwight dwight I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. Michael michael Question. Where can I put my terrarium? Dwight dwight What the hell is a terrarium? Michael michael It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Dwight dwight Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. Michael michael Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. Dwight dwight Are you sure you don't want to play? Pam pam I'm sure. Angela angela Come on Angela, don't you have a game? Pam pam I have one, yes. Angela angela Well, let's play, what is it? Pam pam I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. Angela angela We're friends. Pam pam Apparently. Angela angela Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. Jim jim Are you calling me a ho? Phyllis phyllis Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. Jim jim Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas? Dwight dwight We take separate cars. Michael michael Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? Dwight dwight Why would we do that? Michael michael Just for fun? Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance? Dwight dwight EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. Michael michael Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. Dwight dwight Ah... Oscar oscar OH! Everyone everyone Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? Jim jim I did. Ryan ryan Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal. Jim jim I made something for our closing ceremonies. Pam pam What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that? Jim jim Automatic voicemail. Pam pam Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work! Jim jim [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet] Pam pam A little bit more and I would have had it. Stanley stanley You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early. Dwight dwight Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst. Michael michael People love beets. Dwight dwight Nobody likes beets. Michael michael Everybody loves beets. Dwight dwight Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. Michael michael Let's get this roof going. Dwight dwight Stop it! [smacks Dwight's arm] Michael michael Ow. Dwight dwight Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. Jim jim Oscar! Stanley stanley Go! Go! Go! Crowd crowd Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys? Jim jim What is going on? Dwight dwight Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er? Jim jim That's my stopwatch. Dwight dwight [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done. Jim jim Great. Oscar oscar Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. Jim jim I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid? Ryan ryan Hey. Jim jim I have 59 voicemails. Pam pam Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead? Jim jim Sure. Pam pam Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies. Jim jim Really? Pam pam Notify the athletes. Jim jim Cool. Pam pam Michael. Jim jim Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on? Michael michael Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. Jim jim Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. Michael michael Nice. Jim jim You know. Michael michael Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you. Jim jim Really? Michael michael What's this? Michael michael These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps] Jim jim I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Michael michael And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Jim jim Get up here, Dwight. Michael michael Silver medal. Dwight dwight Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem? Michael michael Um... 'Cause your condo's in America. Jim jim Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that? Michael michael Those are the doves. Jim jim Hey. Morning. Pam pam Oh, Pam? Can I see you in here for a second? It's important, so... Jim jim Okay. What? What is this? Pam pam I found Dwight's wallet in the parking lot. Jim jim Oh, my God. What are we gonna do? Pam pam I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the best play is. Do we tear everything up, or do we buy a horse on the Internet? I mean, I don't know what to do. What do you think? Jim jim I know. I know what to do. Pam pam Okay, what? Jim jim Okay. Put everything back exactly how you found it. Pam pam Okay. Jim jim Hey, Dwight. Jim and I found your wallet in the parking lot. Pam pam What did you do to it? Dwight dwight Nothing. Jim jim I'm serious. What did you do to it? Dwight dwight Dwight, I swear, we didn't do anything. Pam pam Nice try. [on the phone] Cancel card. Cancel card. Cancel... card. Dwight dwight I mean, you've got, you've got stuff here. You rented "Mermaids." You can't... It's a movie. You can't deduct that, you know that. Oscar oscar All right. Kevin kevin It's not an office expense. Angela angela Yes, thank you. Kevin kevin Next year, you should file your stuff in a basket. Angela angela Remember last year he slipped by with "Stripes." He rented "Stripes," he had it for a week. Oscar oscar Please... Kevin kevin And that got through, so maybe he's thinking he can do that from now on. Oscar oscar Please, please. Please. Kevin kevin What are the specs? Dwight dwight Oh, okay. I'll tell you. Let's see here. Three bedroom, two bath... Michael michael [talking over Michael] Nice. Dwight dwight ...contemporary townhouse. Two car parking... Michael michael [talking over Michael] Yes. Dwight dwight ...wall-to-wall carpets... Michael michael [talking over Michael] God, what a steal. Dwight dwight ...all fixtures included. Yes, this is... This is looking good. Michael michael Does it have a deck? Dwight dwight I think it does. Michael michael Have you seen it? Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Does it have a deck? Dwight dwight I think it has a... Yeah, it has a deck. They call it a porch, but it has a deck. Michael michael When a man is laying on his deathbed there are four things that go through his mind. Was I well-loved? Check. Did I express myself? Did I let my light shine through? Check. Will an attractive woman cry at my funeral? Check. Probably more than one. Check. Check, check, check, check. Lastly, did I achieve success and own real estate? And when I close on this condo, I will be able to check that one as well. Michael michael What do you call it? Schruteball? Jim jim Okay. How about skeet Schruteing? Pam pam Did you just come up with that? Jim jim Mmm-hmmm. Pam pam That is good. That's it. That's what it is. Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam Wow. [cup tinkles] Jim jim Oh, oh. Pam pam Oh, Somebody went in. That was a team effort, Pam. Jim jim Oh! Pam pam Home owner. About to join an exclusive club, Dwight. Maybe some day these people out here will know what that feels like. Maybe not. Who knows? Not my problem. [groans] Michael michael It's time. Dwight dwight Are we ready? Michael michael That's it. Dwight dwight Are we gonna do it? Michael michael This is all mine. All the way down around the corner. It's a shared space, but I can use it whenever I want to, Michael michael Okay, so I called in a favor to my buddy at the police department. Dwight dwight Ah, the volunteer Sheriff station. Michael michael Same thing. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Um, these are the crime statistics for the surrounding square mile over the past four years. Dwight dwight Oh, anything bad? Michael michael Two charges of loitering, Dwight dwight Mmm-hmm. Michael michael one noise complaint, several speeding tickets. Dwight dwight Mmm-hmm. Michael michael Do you own a gun? Dwight dwight No. Michael michael I'd think about it. Dwight dwight I don't need a gun. Michael michael Hello? Man man Hello! How are you? I'm, uh, just about to close on 126 over there and I guess we're going to be neighbors. Very cool, very cool. So, uh, so what's the vibe? What's the vibe of this place? Michael michael Uh, I don't know. It's pretty quiet. Man man Oh... That's gonna change. [laughing] Michael michael Why? Man man Because I loves to party and I'm gonna be partying my butt out at this place. Michael michael Okay, but there's an 11:00 noise curfew. Man man Hi, I am Dwight Schrute, Mr. Scott's associate. Dwight dwight Who is Mr. Scott? Man man Him. I have got a couple of questions about the neighborhood. Have you had any problems with prostitution, crack dealing, gang violence, etcetera? Dwight dwight No. Man man Here's a question for you. I have a convertible. Is it safe that park that in my driveway. [Man steps back inside his house and shuts the front door] All right. See you soon. Good guy. Um, cool. Michael michael So it's like volleyball. Toby toby Okay. Jim jim Okay, you get a one-second hold on the ball... Toby toby Mmm-hmm. Jim jim ...and you bounce it off the wall on your side of the tape. Toby toby Oh, okay. Oh, do... that's what the tape is for. I didn't know. Jim jim Yeah, Michael asked about it once. I just pretended not to hear him. He left. Toby toby I think I'm going to make myself some microwave popcorn. [humming] Press "Popcorn." Oh, that's gonna be delicious. I just love having popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. You know what? I could do with some hot chocolate as well. Oh, drat. I can't make hot chocolate and popcorn at the same time, unless, I can. Boom! Second microwave for le hot chocolat. Michael michael Hello. Carrol carrol Oh, Carol. Hello, how are you? Michael michael Hello, hi. Hey, Michael. Carrol carrol Good to see you. Michael michael Oh, boy. This whole condo's shifting. It's like this place was built on ancient Indian burial ground. Dwight dwight Hey, Phyllis, Do you have any games that you play in the office? Jim jim What do you mean? Phyllis phyllis Um, like stapler tennis or something like that. Jim jim No. Phyllis phyllis Okay. Jim jim Second bedroom for the ladies. I mean, the extra ladies who aren't in my bed, or for friends or family, whoever wants to pop on by to casa de Scott. And right in here... What, what's in here? Uh-oh, bedroom number three. What are we gonna do in there? Limitless possibilities. Michael michael Seal it off. Dwight dwight What? [toilet flushing] What are you doing in there? Michael michael Fill it full of cotton or soundproof insulation. Dwight dwight Oh, my God. Dwight. Michael michael Seal it off with drywall so you don't hear Yo-Yo Ma over there all the time. Dwight dwight You know what I might do, I might make this into a kids' room. Michael michael Kids? You don't even have a girlfriend. Dwight dwight I will have a girlfriend once she sees this place. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have kids. Michael michael Well, that depends on how old she is. What if your girlfriend is 55? Dwight dwight I'm not gonna date a 55-year-old woman. Michael michael Just a possibility. Dwight dwight No, it's not. Just shut up. Michael michael If you fall in love with her. Dwight dwight You're an ass. Shut it. Michael michael I smell mold. Dwight dwight No, you don't. Michael michael Living on a farm, your sense of smell gets very sharp. For example, there are beets in the condo two doors down that way. And someone over there, I believe, is a big fan of olives. Dwight dwight I'm gonna back out of the deal. Nothing personal, but I feel like I have been taken advantage of here. Michael michael How? Carrol carrol This smells of fraud to me. This whole thing just kind of stinks. Michael michael [looking into his coffee mug] What the hell? Dwight dwight