They're back! Erin erin Oooh yeah... [people chuckle] Jim and Pam! Kevin kevin How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic? Kelly kelly It was. Jim jim It really was. Pam pam Really was. Jim jim [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you... Kelly kelly Puerto Rico was awesome. Jim jim Oh my gosh. The honeymoon was great. We met this other couple at the resort, Frank and Benny. We hung out with them a lot. Pam pam [goofy voice] Frank and Beans. [laughs] Always makes her laugh. Jim jim [goofy voice] Frank and beans! Pam pam Is there someone there? Who is there? I hear voices, is somebody there? Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight Is someone there? I can't see you because I'm blind. Michael michael Its Jim and Pam, Michael. Dwight dwight [gasps] It is? Michael michael Yeah... Dwight dwight They're back? Oh! Oh! Oh, Pam! [reaching out with hands at chest level] Michael michael Nope. Jim jim And oh, Jim... Michael michael Hi, Michael. Pam pam Oh, I haven't see you since my accident that I had when I fell- I fell into the pool of acid, eyes first. Blind guy. Michael michael Blind-guy McSqueezy. How do I describe it? It is a character I've been workshopping whose lack of vision gets him into all sorts of trouble. The women in my improve class absolutely hate him. [groans] Michael michael So what'd you bring us? Meredith meredith Some candy. Pam pam What else? Meredith meredith That's it. Pam pam Oh, 'cause you spent so much on the wedding. Meredith meredith [behind Pam, acting out blind-guy, groaning] Michael michael It's good to be home. Pam pam This conversation has two items on the agenda. Dwight dwight Do we have a conversation scheduled? Jim jim Number one, do not leave your things on my desk. It's not some kind of personal pen receptacle for you. I don't care how high they promote you, which brings me to item number two... I never formally congratulated you on your promotion, so I'd just like to say... [high voice, holding up wooden mallard] con-quack-ulations! Dwight dwight Wow, that's... really thoughtful of you, Dwight, thank you. Jim jim [duck voice] You're welcome! [quacks, laughs] Dwight dwight I inserted a listening device into the belly of the mallard. Now I can observe Jim, trap Jim, and destroy Jim, just like in the Bavarian fairy tale. Only this time, the mallard skins the toad alive. And of course in this version you lose the whole veiled critique of the Kaiser thing. Dwight dwight I'm sorry to have been bugging you all these years. Dwight dwight It's a real handsome duck. Jim jim Mallard. Okay, I'll get out of your hair. Dwight dwight Hey! Pam pam Hi! Erin erin Uh, we brought back some Puerto Rican candy. Pam pam Coco Leche! That's my favorite! Erin erin Awesome! I'll leave it up here so everyone can enjoy it. Pam pam Oh, um, let me just check with Michael first. Erin erin [laughs] I think it'll be okay. Pam pam [laughs] I think it will too, but I'll just check with him, though. Erin erin Great. Pam pam Oops, sorry. [slides candy back to Pam] Oops. Erin erin I have recently taken a lover. Michael michael Well, that's great. Congratulations. Who's the lucky lady? Jim jim Pam's mom. Michael michael What? Jim jim Pam's mom, Helene. Remember from your wedding? Michael michael You're messing with me. Jim jim About what? Michael michael You did not have sex with Pam's mom. Jim jim Oh, big time. Michael michael What kind of car does she drive? Jim jim She drives a green camry. Michael michael [expletive] Jim jim And the seats go all the way down. All the way down. Michael michael Oh my God. [Michael bangs the table] Oh my God. Jim jim [laughs] What? Michael michael Okay, never tell Pam, and secondly- Jim jim Okay, good, a pact. A pact. Although I may have to break it tonight when Helene and I tell Pam over dinner. You alright? Michael michael Oh my God. Jim jim [walks in] Hey, Jim. Toby toby Not now, Toby, my God! Jim jim Oh, Jesus! Toby toby Get the hell out of here, idiot. Michael michael What did I do? Toby toby Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that, and please, for both our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again. Jim jim I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything, she wants me to be happy. Michael michael No, not more than anything. Jim jim Okay, I have a good thing with the mom- Michael michael Don't call her "the mom." Jim jim She's right on my way home from work. Michael michael Then take a different way home, man! Jim jim I di- alright, I'll take surface streets, its- the last thing in the world I would want to do is upset Pam. Michael michael Okay, so we're good. Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael Can you change my dinner reservations from four people to two? Michael michael Sure. Oh, is it okay if I put out some candy that Pam brought back from Puerto Rico? Erin erin Sure. Thanks for asking. Michael michael Pam, we're all set. [Pam places candy on Erin's desk] Yum. Erin erin Frank and beans! Jim jim Frank and beans! [both laugh] So what'd we decide for Michael, the bottle of rum, or the seashell alarm clock? Pam pam You know what? Can I have the weekend to decide? Jim jim Bottle of rum it is. [takes package out of bag] Alright, shall we? Pam pam You know what, I am really slammed, trying to catch up on everything here and I know that Michael's slammed too. So, maybe we should do this when things are a little less crazy. Jim jim Come on, it'll take two seconds. Pam pam No, it- [high-pitched feedback as Jim starts to leave, feedback changes as he moves, turns over the mallard to see the listening devics, sighs, places mallard back on the desk] Jim jim [unwraps rum gift] Oh, wow. Michael michael [giggles] Pam pam That is amazing. I feel like a real Puerto Rican. Michael michael Michael, you're all set at Botticelli's. I changed the reservation to two people. Erin erin Erin, look. [holds up parrot rum bottle] Michael michael Fun! Erin erin Yeah. Michael michael Wow, Botticelli's, that sounds like a special occasion. Pam pam Yeah, no, it's nobody. Michael michael [laughs] I don't know. I think Michael has a date. Pam pam [chuckles] Hmm... no. Michael michael [laughs] I think you have a date. Pam pam I don't. Michael michael Come on. Pam pam Uh, I think we should just drop it... 'cause obviously he doesn't want to talk about it. Jim jim [sighs] I don't deserve this, guys. Michael michael Yes, you do. Jim jim No, I don't. Michael michael Just take the parrot. Jim jim [long exhale] Michael michael Okay, back to the old grind. Jim jim I was probably going to break up with her anyway. Michael michael Oh, that's too bad. Pam pam Don't- Jim jim Pam, it is very complicated. There are a lot of moving parts here. Michael michael Sounds complicated. Jim jim It is. Michael michael Yeah, but I mean, if you really like this person, then you should see where it goes. Pam pam You want me to be happy? Michael michael Of course. Pam pam Part of the problem is, she is the mother of a close friend of mine. Michael michael Oh. Pam pam More than a friend, a co-worker. Michael michael Oh! Gossip, who is it? Who is it? Who is it, Michael? ...Who? Pam pam It's okay. Michael michael No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Nooooo! Pam pam That could have gone one of two ways, but I never expected her to get upset. Michael michael [screams out in the parking lot, Michael watches from his office window] Pam pam [to Michael] You seem tense. Hey, you want me to give you the chills? Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael There's an egg on your head and the yolk is running down, the yolk is running down... Dwight dwight [sighs] Feels good. Michael michael There's a knife in your back and the blood is gushing down... Dwight dwight I'm sleeping with Pam's mom. Sometimes, dinner. Michael michael ...the blood is gushing down, the blood is gushing down... You know, I really would have appreciated a heads-up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine. Dwight dwight [outside, on cell phone] How could you do this to me? He's my boss! How many times have I complained about him to you? No, I am not being dramatic, you are being crazy! Pam pam [singsong voice] Who wants a hot chocolate? Jim jim Thank you. Pam pam [sighs] Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift, and I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I played it just right I can get Dwight to play out the plot of National Treasure. Jim jim You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott. Pam pam Andy, can I talk to you for a second? Jim jim Sure thing, Tuna Boss. Andy andy [holding up a sign that reads, "Dwight picked the wrong day to put a wooden mallard in my office"] Jim jim [in Jim's office] How may I be of service to you? Andy andy I am gonna need your advice [starts playing loud opera music, everyone can hear it, Creed starts crying] I was thinking about getting this opera for Dwight's birthday, what do you think? Jim jim [both look at Dwight, Jim waves] This aurea is a joke. Andy andy Really? Jim jim What are you thinking? Andy andy I was gonna go with this one. Jim jim [both look at Dwight who is standing right outside the office] Let me tell you something, if you respect him at all, you will get him something better. Andy andy [Andy gets up and leaves the office] The Nard Dog... what was that all about? Dwight dwight I know, right? Andy andy What were you talking about in there? Dwight dwight Trust me it would only make you mad. [opera continues, Dwight looks at Jim standing outside his office, waves, Jim waves back] Andy andy [in the conference room leading a meeting] Due to a certain recent incident, corporate has asked all the branches to come up with ideas as to how we can better communicate with our communities. Michael michael Is this because of the 60 Minutes segment about working conditions in our Peruvian paper mill? Andy andy That was a hit job. If you read the Dunder Mifflin press release it clearly states that they had absolutely nothing to do with that particular cancer cluster. So if there is a lesson to be learned here and I'm not sure that there is, it is that in order to help our communities, we need to put other people's needs ahead of our own. Michael michael Haha! Ha ha ha. Pam pam And whoever comes up with the best idea gets a $50 gift certificate to the restaurant of his or her choice. [everyone claps and makes comments] Jim jim Who wants to help the world one step at a time? [Dwight raises his hand] Alright, good. Michael michael Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter and they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down over 150 pets all by myself. Dwight dwight Alright, that's... Michael michael Paint a mural of Chicano leaders. Meredith meredith Alright... Michael michael I have a way to make Scranton a better place, you could leave it. [laughter] Pam pam Okay, I'm out of here, [pretends to leave] see you later guys... Michael michael Get out and stay out, bye... Lauren's Friends laurens-friends Ok, oh no here's an idea... conservation... Michael michael I love it, conservation. Let's start by conserving our time and stop having these stupid meetings. [stands up and cheers] No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! No more meetings! [Stanley cheers her on in the background] Pam pam Anybody else? Who else has an idea? Michael michael I have some ideas about conservation... Angela angela Yes! Angela! Please... Jim jim [Michael leaves to answer his phone] Can you hold down the fort? [on phone] Hey boo! Michael michael Thank you. Sure well first of all I think that we could totally... Angela angela [on phone] What's it... why are you crying? Michael michael Yes! I think we should look into that. If you could just speak up louder... Jim jim [to Angela] Shhhh... Kevin kevin Well, for our profit... Angela angela [to Angela] Shhh... Kevin kevin [on phone] No, no, no, I'll talk to her. I will... No... nobody talks to my baby that way... uh ah... yeah, I'll let you know how it goes. Alright, by pickle. Michael michael Who's pickle? Kevin kevin [hangs up phone and walks back into conference room] Pamela Morgan Beesly, you need to apologize to your mother right now. Michael michael I'm sorry, I was told I had the floor. Angela angela Yes. Jim jim Hold on, hold on, what's going on? Oscar oscar Nothing... nothing at all... it's all good! Jim jim I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes me an apology. Pam pam For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover? Michael michael Don't call my mother your lover. Pam pam Yes! That's what I'm talking about. Kevin kevin That is not okay dude. Andy andy Alright, in my defense... Michael michael Disgusting... Phyllis phyllis She's messed up man... Creed creed Yes! Thank you, welcome to my personal hell! Pam pam You have no sense of boundaries Michael. Oscar oscar Shut up Oscar. Hey, alright, you know what, clearly I'm outnumbered here, but can I just say one thing, please? What is so wrong about me? I'm caring, I'm generous, I'm sensual. Is it really so horrible that I could possibly go out and find happiness. Michael michael Good luck Michael, I hope you find what you're looking for. Phyllis phyllis Maybe you're right, who are we to... Oscar oscar Shut up Oscar. What is wrong with all of you, he is sleeping with my mother! Pam pam I don't think there's a whole lot of sleeping going on. Dwight dwight Let's get back to the matter at hand. Michael michael Whatever, you know, sleep with my mom, sleep with everybody's mom... Pam pam No, no, no... no, no... Michael michael Whoa, that's my mother you're talking about... Ryan ryan I don't like the tone here... this is a place of business, you are to listen to others, you are to give others respect, and you are to keep your personal issues out of it. Michael michael Uhh, huh, ho... oooh my God, you are ridiculous! Pam pam Do not talk to me that way! I am your boss and I may someday be your father, so get out. Michael michael You are never going to be my father, you get out! Pam pam I hope that you are willing to die in this office, because I am... Michael michael Me too... Pam pam Hey. [walks up to Oscar and hands him a report to sign] Pam pam Hey. Oscar oscar [in a sing-songy voice] Pam, how's your day going? Angela angela Pam, just for the record, I think you're overreacting a little bit, your mom's old enough to make her own decisions. Oscar oscar Oh, well, thanks Oscar. I was just wondering how would you feel if Michael was sleeping with your mom? Pam pam My mother's in a wheelchair. Oscar oscar Well, he could still... I'm sorry about that... Oh could I just get you to sign this second page. Pam pam [Dwight listening in his ear piece] Ryan, I have to ask you a personal question. Do you think that I should get a Fedora? Kelly kelly Ahh, I don't think so, no... Ryan ryan Well, I think I'd look really hot in one. Where'd you get your fedora? Kelly kelly I'd rather not say. Ryan ryan I think I'm gonna get the same fedora as you. Kelly kelly Hi Dwight! Erin erin [Dwight storms through the break room listening to Kelly and Ryan in his ear piece] Shh! Dwight dwight [Ryan and Kelly talking] ...it should go with the persona you already have. Ryan ryan Well, I think I have that persona. Kelly kelly Where did you get that mallard? Dwight dwight What the hell is a mallard? Kelly kelly That! Dwight dwight Oh, Professor Damien D. Duck, Jim gave him to me. Kelly kelly Okay, I gave that to him that as a gift, I'm taking that back. Dwight dwight If you take it back, I'll scream. Kelly kelly [sighs heavily] I'll give you five bucks for it. Dwight dwight Twenty. Ryan ryan Ten. Dwight dwight Deal. [pays Ryan and takes the mallard back] Ryan ryan [to Ryan] You're so cool. Kelly kelly This reminds me, you owe me three bucks for gas. Ryan ryan [walks into Toby's office] Hey Toby, could I talk to you for a minute? Michael michael Yeah, sure, what's up? Toby toby Um, I just wanted to apologize for taking that tone with you earlier that was... uncalled for, I'm sorry. Michael michael Um, yeah, ah, ah, that means a lot. Thank you for saying it. Toby toby Can I sit down for a second? Michael michael Yeah, er... pull up a chair or sit on the shredder. Toby toby This is gonna sound weird, but I think I may be the victim of a hostile work environment with this whole Pam situation. Michael michael Ah, you should probably deal with that outside of the work place. Toby toby She brought it into the work place so I feel like it has to be dealt with here. Michael michael Ok, I mean, I could talk to her. Toby toby Really? Would you do that? Michael michael Yeah... that's why they pay me the big bucks. [both laugh] Toby toby [hugs Toby, who smiles big] You're a good, good guy. Michael michael I'm good... Toby toby You know, I always knew if Michael just took the time to get to know me, we'd become friends. Toby toby [walks up to Pam's desk with a binder] Hey Pam, could I talk to you for a sec? Toby toby Sure, what's up? Pam pam Well, I was hoping that maybe in light of everything that's happened today, it would be a good idea if today, you, me, and Michael could head into the conference room for some conflict resolution. Toby toby [to Michael] What's the matter, you can't fight your own battles? Pam pam No... that's... Michael michael Maybe you could just take the rest of the day off... you know... Toby toby [to Michael] Oh, would that make you feel better? Pam pam I don't... um... I can't hear your conversation. Michael michael You can tell Michael that I'm not leaving. Pam pam [gets up and puts a hand on Michael's shoulder] Buddy, I think that... Toby toby Yeah, yeah, yeah-okay... you're a jackass. [to Pam] Hey, hey, you know what? You're just as stubborn as your mother, when you don't wanna do something you just don't do it. Michael michael Heh, heh, heh. Stanley stanley Michael, you're just her rebound! Pam pam You were right Jim, shoulda listened to you, should never have told her. Michael michael [to Jim] What! You knew? Pam pam Barely, I... I don't have all the facts. Frank and Bean... Jim jim [Pam storms into break room] Okay, do you want me to stop seeing your mom? Is that how we're gonna get past this? Cause, I will. Michael michael Mmmmm, yes! Pam pam Well, that is not gonna happen! Michael michael Then why'd you even offer!? Pam pam Because I assumed that you want me to be happy because I want you to be happy. Michael michael Michael, let me make this very easy for you, I could give a sh[beep] about your happiness! Stop dating my mother! Pam pam You know what? I'm gonna start dating her even harder. Michael michael What's that supposed to mean? Pam pam You know what it means. Michael michael [Pam storms out of the break room] Hey... Jim jim Shut it! Pam pam Yep... Jim jim I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom, Pam's mom, my aunt... although she just blocked me on IM, what's her face from Quiznos, I see her four times a week. Michael michael [walks into his office and sees the mallard back on his desk] Dwight, you brought the mallard back. Jim jim Well, I had to, I mean... Kelly was not even... Dwight dwight [speaking into the mallard and looking a Dwight] Hi buddy. Jim jim [walks into Jim's office and takes out ear piece] I'm sorry. Dwight dwight A wooden duck? Jim jim Mallard. I put it in your office in order to surveil you. I was jealous that you got the promotion over me. Dwight dwight Okay, just to be clear, you're terrible at this and you are not equipped for espionage... Jim jim Oh, I'm equipped... I can... Dwight dwight Silence. Jim jim Don't tell Michael... Dwight dwight I won't. But, you will wash and buff our car. Jim jim Punishment fits the crime, I accept. [shakes Jim's hand and leaves] Dwight dwight [leaving his office with his rum] Night everyone. Night Pam, thanks again for the rum. Michael michael Night Michael. Erin erin Night Erin. Michael michael [in the conference room] Hey Pam, can I see you for a second? So, Dwight heard you were having a really rough day. So he generously offered to wash our car. Jim jim [looking out the window at Dwight washing the car] Awww, he did that for me? Pam pam Yes, he did. You know what was nice, nights swimming in Bayou bay. Jim jim Mmmm. Pam pam [Michael is seen debating on whether to come back in to the office] Remember that older couple whose kids were also named Jim and Pam? Jim jim Haha, yeah. Say more nice things. Pam pam Well, we went on a Segway tour and we're awesome at it and Frank and Beans! Jim jim Maybe I'm overreacting. Pam pam Yeah... maybe. Jim jim But I don't think I am. Pam pam You're not, nope. Nope. Jim jim [Ryan is walking out of the office ahead of him] Oh... where'd you get that hat? Kevin kevin I'd rather not say. Ryan ryan [walks into Jims office, twists the top of the pen that he placed in Jim's pen holder which has a bug in it, pushes play] [Jim's voice] "We have our high quality 28 pound bond, our heavier 38 pound bond, or our..." [pauses recording] I've got eight hours of this. Of course I wanted Jim to find the mallard, make him feel safe. Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I'm not insane. [starts the recording again] "...65 pound cover stock, which is the heaviest paper that will still feed smoothly through your desktop printer." Dwight dwight