Hey. Jim jim Hello. Jim? Dwight dwight What's up, buddy? Jim jim This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here? Dwight dwight Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good. Jim jim Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy. Dwight dwight Who, Steve? Jim jim Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is. Dwight dwight Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup. Pam pam No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup. Dwight dwight Um, I don't think so, I just bought it. Pam pam Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me. Dwight dwight I love these. Pam pam Okay, fine. Where's my wallet? Dwight dwight Oh, there it is. J1. Jim jim But I don't have any... Dwight dwight Here, you know what? You can have some nickels. Jim jim [putting quarters in] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five... Dwight dwight Hello, everyone. Michael michael Good morning, Michael. Dwight dwight Where are we going this afternoon? Phyllis phyllis Ah! Ha ha ha! Michael michael Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo. Pam pam "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask." Jim jim A ski mask and a swimsuit. Pam pam So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers. Jim jim And brush our teeth. Pam pam Yeah? Michael michael Michael. Stanley stanley Stanley! Bo banley. Michael michael I need to know... Stanley stanley Banana fana fo fanley. Michael michael What we're doing. Stanley stanley Be my mo manley. Michael michael You said bring a toothbrush. Stanley stanley Stanley. Michael michael Is this an overnight? Stanley stanley Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it? Michael michael Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? Stanley stanley Maybe, I don't know. Michael michael Not maybe. Yes or no. Stanley stanley Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack. Michael michael In January? Stanley stanley It's cheaper. Michael michael This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience. Michael michael It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise! Michael michael All right! Meredith meredith I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? Ryan ryan No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. Michael michael I'm already in business school. Ryan ryan Well, this... Michael michael Wait, Michael? Kelly kelly Yeah? Michael michael Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? Kelly kelly To throw you off the scent. Michael michael Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit. Kelly kelly Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it. Michael michael I took the tags off already. Kelly kelly Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say. Michael michael I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course. Michael michael Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork! Michael michael Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went. Oscar oscar Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone? Michael michael How about the sales department is the sails? Darryl darryl Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. Michael michael A furnace? Phyllis phyllis Yeesh, how old is this ship? Jim jim How about the anchor? Pam pam What does the furnace do? Phyllis phyllis All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands! Michael michael I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? Jim jim Titanic? Michael michael I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October. Pam pam No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on! Michael michael Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck. Jim jim Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned. Phyllis phyllis No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse. Michael michael What? Darryl darryl The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship. Michael michael Aye aye, Captain. Dwight dwight [singing] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour. Michael michael Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. [to Kelly] Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... [to Stanley] We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. Michael michael Cool. Dwight dwight Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. Captain Jack captain-jack I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party. Michael michael I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. [to boarding passengers] Hi, welcome aboard. Captain Jack captain-jack Okay. Michael michael In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose. Michael michael Hey, look! I'm king of the world! Michael michael Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack. Captain Jack captain-jack And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome! Michael michael Okay! So... Captain Jack captain-jack Okay! So... Michael michael Please. The life preservers. Captain Jack captain-jack Right. Michael michael They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat. Captain Jack captain-jack But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight. Michael michael Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. [Dwight laughs loudly.] Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here... Captain Jack captain-jack I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... Michael michael Okay, Michael, if you don't mind... Captain Jack captain-jack Rock it! Michael michael Please, okay? Captain Jack captain-jack If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'! Michael michael Michael. Captain Jack captain-jack Yep. Michael michael Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay? Captain Jack captain-jack We're all gonna have a good time tonight! Michael michael Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right? Captain Jack captain-jack Hm? Okay. Yep. Michael michael You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right? Katy katy Yeah. Roy roy Pam, were you a cheerleader? Katy katy No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything! Roy roy That's hilarious. Katy katy It's not hilarious, but... Jim jim Where did you go to school? Roy roy Bishop O'Hara. Katy katy Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you? Roy roy Um, no. Jim jim Yes, I did! [chanting] A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Katy katy I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10! Roy roy Having fun? Michael michael Yeah. Everybody's really nice. Brenda brenda Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers. Michael michael When are you going to start the presentation? Brenda brenda Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support. Michael michael Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo! Captain Jack captain-jack So, okay. Michael michael Limbo, whoo! Dwight dwight All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be? Captain Jack captain-jack Me. Meredith meredith Okay... Captain Jack captain-jack Me! Me, me, me. Dwight dwight Uh... usually it's a woman. Captain Jack captain-jack I'm stronger. Dwight dwight Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight? Captain Jack captain-jack Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you! Captain Jack captain-jack I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats. Dwight dwight All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest! Captain Jack captain-jack But before that, I have to do my presentation. Michael michael Nope! Dance contest! Captain Jack captain-jack All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! Michael michael Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing. Michael michael [singing] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? Dwight dwight Hey, come inside and talk to me. Angela angela I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?! Dwight dwight [chanting] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! {Darryl} and {Katy} darryl katy Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on! Roy roy No, I'm not going to do that. Pam pam Come on! Roy roy That's what I'm talking about! Darryl darryl Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out? Pam pam I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Roy roy It's getting kind of rowdy down there. Pam pam Yeah. [chanting] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Jim jim Sometimes I just don't get Roy. Pam pam Well... Jim jim I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader? Pam pam Oh, um... [A long silence.] Jim jim I'm cold. Pam pam So, what's this presentation all about? Captain Jack captain-jack Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? Michael michael Women and children. Captain Jack captain-jack No, no. Salesmen and profit centers. Michael michael That's a stupid analogy. Captain Jack captain-jack Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership. Michael michael Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm. Captain Jack captain-jack Wow. You should be the motivational speaker. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour. Dwight dwight I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off? Katy katy Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice. Pam pam Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? Captain Jack captain-jack Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king. Jim jim Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. Michael michael He's just sucking up! Captain Jack captain-jack When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die? Roy roy Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her. Captain Jack captain-jack You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up. Jim jim Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam! Roy roy I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you? Michael michael No, it was Captain Jack. Roy roy Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great! Michael michael We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship! Captain Jack captain-jack Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin! Michael michael No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. Pam pam Then I'll give you away! Michael michael No, thank you. Pam pam Do you think that'll ever be us? Katy katy No. Jim jim What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? Katy katy I don't know. Let's break up. Jim jim Whoa. What? Katy katy This is where Captain Jack drives the boat. Captain Jack captain-jack Wow! Meredith meredith Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon. Dwight dwight Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication. Michael michael Really? What? Brenda brenda Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... Michael michael Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here? Captain Jack captain-jack It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about. Michael michael I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet. Michael michael Is somebody there? Michael michael What happened to you? Jim jim Captain Jack has a problem with authority. Michael michael Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking? Jim jim He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic. Michael michael What a night. Jim jim Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. Michael michael She was always engaged. Jim jim Roy said the first one didn't count. Michael michael That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so... Jim jim Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... Michael michael Yeah, I know. Jim jim Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute. Michael michael Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway. Jim jim Well, if you like her so much, don't give up. Michael michael She's engaged. Jim jim BFD. Engaged ain't married. Michael michael Huh. Jim jim Never, ever, ever give up. Michael michael Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore. Dwight dwight It's a fake wheel, dummy. Michael michael Are you all packed? Phyllis phyllis Yes, I brought my duffel bag and a sleeping bag. Kelly kelly Where do you guys think we're going? Oscar oscar Definitely some place you can swim. Kelly kelly Right. Oscar oscar Maybe Florida. Phyllis phyllis Did you hear something? Kelly kelly [knocking] Yeah. Michael michael Hello, Michael. Jan jan Hello. Michael michael Can we come in? Jan jan Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael michael Thank you very much. Jan jan Have a seat. Michael michael Brenda. Jan jan Oh, every man's dream. Michael michael Oh, really? A surprise visit from his boss? Jan jan Two ladies at once. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, you heard something. Um, yeah, it's a booze cruise, but it... There's more to the story than that. It... Michael michael A booze cruise? What do you mean? Jan jan Leadership off-site. Uh, booze cruise is just a rhyme... Michael michael Michael, we discussed the IRS's regulations. Jan jan Yeah, I don't even know why I said booze cruise. I don't even think there's booze on the boat. Michael michael Okay, this event has to have legitimate business content to be tax deductible. Jan jan Of course. Michael michael We discussed that. Jan jan Of course, of course. Yes. Yes. Look, I have a whole program planned. Jan, this program is going to change people's lives. I am going to be dropping serious knowledge all over the boat. Michael michael Good. This is Brenda Matlow from corporate training. Jan jan Hello. Michael michael I thought she could attend tonight, and if your event is appropriate, you could give it to other branches. Jan jan Oh, cool. Cool. And maybe you could attend tonight and then you could stay over at my house for the night. Awkward. That's... You know what. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Michael michael Jan said if you asked me that I was supposed to say no. Brenda brenda Really? You seriously said that? Okay. Brenda, could Jan and I have a moment alone? Michael michael Sure... Brenda brenda Brenda. Jan jan Thanks. Michael michael I mean, no. Brenda brenda Okay, you know, I'm gonna go now, and... Jan jan Oh, okay. Michael michael Good luck, Brenda. Jan jan I'll see you later. Michael michael Okay, see you later. And try to be professional. Jan jan I'll call you later. Michael michael No, that's all right. Jan jan That's like... Michael michael You call me if you need anything, Brenda. Jan jan I'll call you, too. [to Brenda] So. You are probably gonna get carded, so I can make you a fake ID. We have a laminating machine. Michael michael What is a sales department? Oscar, what do you think? Michael michael I don't know what the categories are of workers on a boat. Oscar oscar I'm not giving you the answer. Deck hands is one. And... Michael michael Oh, oh, can I be the first mate? Dwight dwight No, I'm first mate. You're second mate. I'm first mate, as the captain. Michael michael How about the anchor? Pam pam Well, the anchor is the only thing that kind of slows the ship down. Toby is the anchor. Oh, God. He, well... [to Brenda] Tell you about Toby later, he's awful. Michael michael Yeah, I know Toby from Jan's birthday. Brenda brenda Hey, Brenda. Toby toby Oh, hey, Toby. So... It's an analogy. Michael michael [Toby running to get on the cruise] Hey! What's wrong with you? You missed the boat. Michael michael I got lost. Toby toby Idiot. Michael michael We can go back. Captain Jack captain-jack No, no, no. That's his punishment for not being here on time. Too bad, anchor! Michael michael I guess I shouldn't have stopped for dinner. Toby toby On the high seas, Captain Jack is the leader. On the land it's Michael. On the ramp up to the boat, I was a bit conflicted. But now that I'm here, I'll follow Captain Jack to hell and back. Dwight dwight Hey, Captain Jack, what kind of fish they got in this lake? Dwight dwight Perch, bass. Captain Jack captain-jack You know, my grandfather told me there was a monster here that eats Catholics. Have you heard... Dwight dwight I haven't heard that, Dwight. Captain Jack captain-jack If the hull is breached for any reason or the boat is overtaken, I am a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy, and you can count on me. Dwight dwight That's good to know, Dwight. Thanks. Captain Jack captain-jack Your problem now, Captain Jack. Michael michael Hey. You know what the best way of studying is? Michael michael At home, not on a boat? Ryan ryan Flash cards. Michael michael Flash cards. Doesn't really help me right now because I'm on a boat. Ryan ryan You are gonna get seasick if you keep reading in here. Michael michael Well... Ryan ryan Yeah! All right. All right. That was awesome. All right, looks like the guitar player's gonna take a little break. So this'd be a great time to head on over to the taco bar. All right. Captain Jack captain-jack That is a great way to kill this party. Not on my watch. Let's, uh,... Let's rock. Let's rock some stuff here, okay? [playing badly] Okay... I'm hearing a little too much reverb. [feedback echoing] Can we down the reverb? All right. Follow my lead. [playing Smoke on the Water] Does you guys know that? Take the bass. Take the drums. What? Michael michael Do you want me to give it a shot? Just... Creed creed You know what? I don't think it's in... Michael michael I... Creed creed That's not in tune. I don't know if you can... Michael michael I don't know, let's try. Creed creed ...make much of out of it, Creed. Good luck to you. I don't know. It is a defective ax, my friend. Michael michael All right. Creed creed Good luck. Michael michael Guys, E, blues. Follow me, okay? [playing well] Creed creed Yeah! Roy roy Back in the '60s, I was with the Grass Roots. We toured with Janis Joplin, The Doors, Cream. We had a lot of fun, And now I do quality assurance for a paper company. As you can imagine, drugs played a part. They still do. My work calls last about 90 seconds, and that's about as long as I can concentrate. Creed creed Those slide moves are just bush league. I hope I die before I'm old. Michael michael [throwing up] Ryan ryan [speaking Spanish] Por favor, tequila seoor. Darryl darryl I think you've had enough. Angela angela What you say, bitch? You know, you might be right. Darryl darryl You've been to the lake before? Pam pam Yes, I have. [kisses Pam] Roy roy Should have done it a long time ago. Roy roy Yes, you should have. Pam pam I do what's right whenever I figure it out. I love you, babe. Roy roy Love you. Pam pam You should make a toast. Katy katy No, I really don't want to. Jim jim Jim, come on, don't be shy. Katy katy Everybody, everybody? There is a toast. Come on... Katy katy Yeah! Toast! Michael michael Yeah, toast! Toast! Toast! Katy katy Yeah. Pam pam Come on. Roy roy Thanks, Katy. Um, didn't really prepare anything to say. We're all caught pretty unprepared with this whirlwind courtship. I guess I just wanna say that Pam is the greatest. My best friend. And she's awesome. And... Jim jim Okay, okay. My turn, my turn. Is this thing on? Uh, I want to congratulate the happy couple. You know, they say that marriage is an institution. And I say, who wants to be in an institution? Dwight dwight That's my line! That's my line, That's... I always say that at weddings. So I'll just think of something else to say. I... [band starts playing] Michael michael Cheers. Katy katy Hey, Jim. You got a hat? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Thanks. Michael michael [to Angela] So this is... Phyllis phyllis [storms out of Michael's office] Well, we're not going to Florida. Stanley stanley Oh. Someplace with a pool, then? Phyllis phyllis [gives Phyllis a look] Stanley stanley