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Commit current normalization data

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Xevion
2022-05-09 01:10:17 -05:00
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commit e7e1fdf7de
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<SceneList>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[after "the kiss"] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim--</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious] False. I do not miss him.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>That's what faggie means!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>No not really...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Exactly!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>I mean for real.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, I know.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>No, I mean he's attracted to other men.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>OK, a little too far, crossed the line.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>No, it's fine.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>[in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Uh-huh, yeah. I am.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>OooOK.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>OooOK.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble."</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Josh</Speaker>
<Text>So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, I can do that.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic "Jim"-camera face] What is that?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Can you tell who's gay and who's not?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Of course.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>What about Oscar?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Absolutely not.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Well, he is.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I really don't think so.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[creepy smile]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>That's ridiculous.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[sighs] Let's call him and get the website.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Definitely.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. [loudly fake typing] It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Well, they're sold out.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I miss that.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>Chicken or fish?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>[loud sigh] Chicken.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>So you havin' a good day?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Excellent, thanks.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>Good, glad. OK.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>That's not what it's called.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>What? What does that even...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>NO!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I don't kn-</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>No, it's not possible.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Anything's possible.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>You know, imagine... you were gay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Am I the first gay man you ever knew?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Ah damn pop-ups.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>What are you doing?!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Watching some of your friends.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Who should be the judges and juries of our society?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Judges and juries!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>That sounds great.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>No one else in this office is gay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I'm getting married to Bob Vance.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Well with your ties and your matching socks and --</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Well, I just like to look good OK, so --</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>You sound pretty defensive Michael.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>You misunderstand- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend --</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>I would rather not.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>All right, um... sorry.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[reading the note with the gay-dar] "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>[Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>[on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I will do my job to the best of my abilities.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>[under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Specifically, Michael.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>[on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[quietly] No.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>Michael?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[sigh]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hi, honey. You holding up?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yup.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>I'm... painting my new apartment tonight.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, good. By yourself?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yes.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Thanks.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Roy.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Right.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, I'm gay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>[shocked expression]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene deleted="1">
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google "Google"? What do you think would happen?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Let's find out. [starts typing]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[makes frustrated noises]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Oh! Lots of results.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
</SceneList>

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<SceneList>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Hannah</Speaker>
<Text>He.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>...Oh, sorry. He's-he's dressed all in pink.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Hannah</Speaker>
<Text>That's his favorite color.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>...Oh. That's... fun for him.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>Fantastic.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Hannah</Speaker>
<Text>Thank youuu.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ohh. May I?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Hannah</Speaker>
<Text>Uh, sure!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[climbs under desk] Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from "Look Who's Talking." What am I thinking? [Laughs] Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>...Almost done?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Just about... yup. Now.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>[over phone] Mmhmm.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. [Jan sighs] ... I'm just kidding.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>When did the check come?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Last week.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>One of the Stamford people is a criminal?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>[whispering] Who is it?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hannah?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Hmm.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Hmm.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Andy.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Andy?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Hmm. Martin?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Wait, why am I a racist?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Because you think he's black.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>He is black... right? And...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jan</Speaker>
<Text>Michael?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>I wonder what he did.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Why would anyone go to jail for that?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Cool.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Okay. Angela?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Good. All right. [everyone leaves]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[picks up phone] Jim Halpert.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[over phone] I am so horny.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>...Okay I can't... help you... with that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>She is dating Ryan, I think.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, and I care why?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>She's... high-maintenance.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Next. How about... [motions toward Angela]. Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>...Absolutely you should.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Jackpot.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Just... try to be cool.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I am cool.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, are you cool, really?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. [Dwight starts to run] No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Frisbee-based competitions...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Are you kidding?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>She...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. [Andy hums Six Flag ad] Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey Martin, how's it going?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Good. Getting settled, you know?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>My dad.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>...Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Jonas Salk.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Who?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Justin Timberlake?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh. Please. Colin Powell.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Hey I got one.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yup.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Jesus.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Apollo Creed.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>So... you all wanna know what I was in for?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[laughs] That is awesome.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>What was prison like?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>You got outdoors time?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, some days I never go outside.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Well, we are running a business, so.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>What was your cell like?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>They have art classes?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Yeap. Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>They have business classes there?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys-a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ah. Well. That's not true.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>I would so rather be in prison.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>Prison sounds great.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No you would not.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>[singsong voice] Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Wow... I-</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Wow. That was... wow.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Michael, it's freezing out.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I can't feel my toes.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What is that, like... five pounds?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>I'm going back inside.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, in the rec room.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ah. A ten inch black and white?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Quick question - do you play the guitar?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I play the banjo.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[singing] You know I can, my man.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Yup. That's perfect.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Perfect.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>What is going on?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>I love it. I want in. Who's the target?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like [puts on bandanna]. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! [employees protest] All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. [points to Ryan] You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>Michael, please. [Michael makes kissing noises]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Where... did you learn all of this?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Internet.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>So, not prison.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What'd you do, Prison Mike?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>And I nevah got caught, neither.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Wow. Prison sounds horrible.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Don't encourage him, Dwight.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. [turns around, takes bandanna off] So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Martin</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. [locks employees in conference room]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>[knocking on door] Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have-</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Hannah</Speaker>
<Text>Shh!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>[answering phone] This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[singing] So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
</SceneList>

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<SceneList>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[in Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[to Ryan] Big Turkey. [cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin"]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Is that you singing?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Nice job.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you muchly. [cellphone continues playing]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>You gonna answer it?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Yikes.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. [sings] Andy and the tuna...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>The cost of doing business.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Was the top salesman...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I said 'was'.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[chuckles] Addition by subtraction.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>What does that even mean? That is impossible.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Mmmm. Yeah you're right.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, everyone.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, that's very funny.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>[sits at his desk] Hi, Angela.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Oscar.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, boss.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, what's up.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yep.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I don't know. Maybe.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Well, I will take that as a maybe. [Michael gets up] Where are you going?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Bathroom.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[lurking by the bathroom door] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>The one of all women?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Because I'm gay?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. [starts to cry] And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you. [sniffles]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Can I join too?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Never.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Staples Guy</Speaker>
<Text>You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[scoffs] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Wow. [walks over to the plant] What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Feel ya, dawg.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, do you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Absolutely.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>What did I say?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>You said... [makes gibberish noises]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Huh.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, no.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, no.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Michael --</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Need any help?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Lady</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Lady</Speaker>
<Text>Okay. [moves away]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. [fake casts off] Whizzzzz. [catches Jim] Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. [Jim gets up] Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>So Andy is in rare form today.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, you should not encourage him.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Fine. Party pooper.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ["displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, Ryan?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>What?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>You wanna pull a prank on Andy?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I liked you better when you were the temp.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Ryan</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, me too.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Sort of. He had a lot of clients.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, sure, we talk all the time.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Really?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>No.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>No. Sorry.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>So um, where were you workin' before this?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Dunder-Mifflin.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>What kind of company is that?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[scoffs] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>I never heard of 'em.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>You gonna be like that, huh?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Paris</Speaker>
<Text>I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[singing] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, good. Stay right here.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[after Jim knocks over his pencils] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[hands Pam Andy's phone] Are there any messages?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Nope.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>So weird.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>[takes the phone] Hmm.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Nice to have Oscar back.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>No.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Angela?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Oh. [hands Pam tape]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Is everything okay?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>No.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>What's going on?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What are you talking about?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Where is my FREAKING phone?!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Maybe you're in the ceiling!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Okay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>[trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut] I don't trust you, Phyllis!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Yes.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>None of them. Especially not Andy.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Um.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No. I don't want to do any of that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. [Andy's phone rings] Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. [punches a hole in the wall] That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Sure? Okay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[to customer] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>What's up?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Same old.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Oh my God, she told you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Accepted.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>How's this place treating you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[scoffs] The boss isn't funny.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, well.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I don't get to wear my ties.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No. I'm sure.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>So?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I don't want to do your laundry anymore.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>We can talk about that. [Dwight high fives Michael] All right.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[inspecting the hole in the wall] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>I think we broke his brain. [they both snicker]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[imitating Andy] "It's not freakin' funny!"</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Are you enjoying your fiesta?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- [Angela walks away] it's great.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Everybody</Speaker>
<Text>Yay. [scattered appalause]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Welcome back.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. [looks around the room] Not bad, huh?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>You did this for me? [camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Guilty.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>Oh... Where did you get this stuff?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>Gerty's.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>Which aisle?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>I don't remember.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Creed</Speaker>
<Text>Well, draw me a map, mama.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>No, I will not.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>So does this remind you of your childhood right now?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Oscar</Speaker>
<Text>It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's- thanks so much.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>[sighs] Do you still have feelings for her?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[long pause and then he sighs and nods] Yes.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, man. [Kevin starts to put a blindfold on] No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! [beats up pinata]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. [gets out of his car] This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Marcy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, hi. You must be Andy.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Marcy</Speaker>
<Text>That's right, it's so good to meet you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>It's so good to meet you!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Marcy</Speaker>
<Text>Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Andy</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
</SceneList>

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server/normalization/truth/episodes/3-14.xml Normal file
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<SceneList>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. [Windows reboot sound] Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>What do you think?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[Windows reboot sound] Dwight, want an Altoid?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Okay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[Windows reboot sound] Altoid?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Sure</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>[Windows reboot sound] Mint Dwight?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Inbwit? Yes.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>[Windows reboot sound] [Dwight holds out his hand, sighs]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What are you doing?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>What?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. [nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Photographer</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>So what's in the box?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>A toaster, you?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>A toaster.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Stanley</Speaker>
<Text>Unbelievable.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Hello, Angela.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Hi, Dwight.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Those flowers are nice.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah. P and R?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis and Robert.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>Ah, of course.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Also, Pam and Roy.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>How you doin'? You excited.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Yes, very.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>No.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>That wasn't me.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I thought it was...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Here, let me...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Michael... No.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Just cover up that bald patch.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Okay.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[in video of Michael as a kid] I hate you!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>No way.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Did you ever see that movie?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Of course I saw it.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>[to Toby's date] Hi. I'm Kevin. [to Toby] Where did you find her?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>At the gym.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Riiight. The gym. [snickers]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Meredith</Speaker>
<Text>I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>I know but there was an emergency.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>I look really good in white.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>That's my dress.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[whispers to father] That's ok. [Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>It's a miracle.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Crowd</Speaker>
<Text>[generalized clapping]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>This is bull****!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Priest</Speaker>
<Text>And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I do.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Priest</Speaker>
<Text>And do you, Bob...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, shiii...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Priest</Speaker>
<Text>... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>I do.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Priest</Speaker>
<Text>You may now kiss the bride.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. [generalized clapping and cheering] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Angela</Speaker>
<Text>Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Thanks Angela.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. [to Albert] Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>I don't have that, Dwight.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Dammit, Phyllis!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>What do you mean?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kelly</Speaker>
<Text>There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Who?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>The bride and groom? What are their names?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Okay, Okay. Where are we going?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Oh!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>It's fish.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I will take care of that.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Kevin</Speaker>
<Text>Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. [sings] Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>You're kidding me, right?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>Sorry about that.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>It's okay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Randy</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Crowd</Speaker>
<Text>[cheering and clapping]</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Unknown</Speaker>
<Text>She is.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Randy</Speaker>
<Text>Cheers.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Crowd</Speaker>
<Text>Cheers.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>Oh okay. That's enough.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>is a guy that...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>Thanks, Michael. Give me...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>Give me the microphone.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>No. I'm not going to...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Ok. All right.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Bob Vance</Speaker>
<Text>You're out of here!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hey.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Hey!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Oh... I'm pacing myself.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>No. I'm such a dorky dancer.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>I know. It's very cute.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Come... Come on!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>I can't let you in, Michael.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Dwight, just...</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Dwight</Speaker>
<Text>You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>OK.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>Hey, they're playing our song.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Pam</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>[sings] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Roy</Speaker>
<Text>[to Pam] Hey, want to get out of here?</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Jim</Speaker>
<Text>Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Karen</Speaker>
<Text>[sings] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Women</Speaker>
<Text>One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! [Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Toby</Speaker>
<Text>Toby! Yeah!</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>I just want Phyllis to have a great day.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis and you will be great together.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>We are great together. We are a great team.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>The Celtics were a great team.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Uncle Al</Speaker>
<Text>Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>You found Uncle Al!</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Phyllis</Speaker>
<Text>Thank you, Michael.</Text>
</Quote>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>You're... You're welcome.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
<Scene>
<Quote>
<Speaker>Michael</Speaker>
<Text>Be careful. Oh no!! [Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face] Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! [Michael smears cake on his own face]</Text>
</Quote>
</Scene>
</SceneList>

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