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@@ -131,7 +131,34 @@ Michael|No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offen
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Michael|[on the tape] Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
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-
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Michael|OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
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Jim: |-
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Jim|Uh, is that it?
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Michael|Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I’m going to add on to it later on.
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Kevin|It was kind of hard to hear.
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Michael|Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um…
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Kelly|I have a customer meeting.
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Michael|Yeah, well, if you leave we’ll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let’s get down to business and why don’t I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
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Oscar|What part Native American?
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Michael|Two fifteenths.
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Oscar|Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn’t make any sense.
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Michael|Well, you know what, it’s kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let’s get this popping. Come on. Who’s going? Who’s going? Let’s go here. Oscar, right here. You’re on.
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Oscar|OK, Michael, um… Both my parents were born in Mexico.
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Michael|Oh, yeah…
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Oscar|And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
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Michael|Wow.
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Oscar|My parents were Mexican.
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Michael|Wow. That is… That is a great story. That’s the American Dream right there, right?
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Oscar|Thank… Yeah…
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Michael|Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
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Oscar|Mexican isn’t offensive.
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Michael|Well, it has certain connotations.
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Oscar|Like what?
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Michael|Like… I don’t… I don’t know.
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Oscar|What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
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Michael|No. Now, remember that honesty…
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Oscar|I’m just curious.
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Michael|…empathy, respect… [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim!
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Jim|Hello? Hello?
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-
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Michael|I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore… Don’t look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and… Take a card, take a card, any card. Um… And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so… I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn’t just an exercise. This is real life. And… I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get ‘er done.
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-
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Michael|Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There’s this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I’m not going to do it but it’s…
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@@ -61,7 +61,7 @@ Michael|Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the
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Katy|What?
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Michael|It’s like a slang for Starbucks. They’re all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don’t have the good stuff here.
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Katy|Regular coffee is fine.
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Michael|Nah, it’s not. it’s spppplllibbb
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Michael|Nah, it’s not. It's... [raspberry]
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Katy|No really it is.
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Michael|No, here’s the thing. Y’know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they’re always putting up walls and I’m always tearing ’em down, just breakin’ down barriers, that’s what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?
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Katy|Bring it on.
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@@ -253,23 +253,23 @@ Creed|Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
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Michael|[sighs] I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
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-
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Michael|[meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin’ back.
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Ed|Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
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Ed Truck|Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
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Michael|Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don’t wanna be up there right now.
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Ed|So, what’s the problem with my pension?
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Ed Truck|So, what’s the problem with my pension?
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Michael|Oh, no, no, no. You’re good. It was clerical. You’re good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
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Ed|Well, what was done?
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Ed Truck|Well, what was done?
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Michael|I didn’t get a good look at… it, but it smells horrible.
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Ed|Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
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Ed Truck|Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
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Michael|Really?
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Ed|Yeah.
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Ed Truck|Yeah.
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Michael|Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
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Ed|You can’t expect to be friends with everybody.
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Ed Truck|You can’t expect to be friends with everybody.
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Michael|Well… s-sure I can.
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Ed|No. They’ll always think of you as a boss first.
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Ed Truck|No. They’ll always think of you as a boss first.
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Michael|Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
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Ed|I’m not sure that ever happens.
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Ed Truck|I’m not sure that ever happens.
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Michael|Well, okay. Different management styles.
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Ed|Why can’t your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
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Ed Truck|Why can’t your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
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-
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Michael|Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
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-
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@@ -419,8 +419,8 @@ Michael|Oh, she’s great.
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Michael|Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I’ve got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.
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-
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Pam|[On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn’t know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don’t know, mom, he’s my best friend. Yeah, he’s great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim… [They kiss]
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-
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Deleted Scene 1 Michael|Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.
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-!1
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Michael|Everybody, in the conference room now, please. Thank you. Time is money.
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Dwight|Do you need anything?
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Michael|No.
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Dwight|Should I get water or donuts?
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@@ -140,12 +140,12 @@ Michael|Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it mean
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Michael|We’re all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren’t necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or… accountants. Oscar, why don’t you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I’m doing this for you.
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Oscar|Yes I’m gay. And I didn’t plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?
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-
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Creed|:
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Creed|I’m not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.
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-
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Michael|Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
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Angela|Judges and juries!
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Michael|Yes, that’s a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
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Kevin|:
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Kevin|That sounds great.
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-
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Dwight|I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
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Oscar|No one else in this office is gay.
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@@ -161,7 +161,7 @@ Michael|Well, I just like to look good OK, so —
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Oscar|You sound pretty defensive Michael.
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Michael|No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
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Oscar|I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
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Michael|No no no. The only signal that I am sending is:
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Michael|No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good.
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-
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Michael|Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just… I would be waving that rainbow flag.
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Oscar|I don’t think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
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@@ -226,7 +226,7 @@ Meredith|[shocked expression]
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-!1
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Meredith|Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?
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-!1
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Andy|Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?
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Andy|Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google "Google"? What do you think would happen?
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Jim|Let’s find out. [starts typing]
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Andy|[makes frustrated noises]
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Jim|Oh! Lots of results.
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@@ -317,7 +317,7 @@ Jim|Hey.
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Michael|Evan, this is Jim.
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Jim|How are you?
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Evan|Hey, uh… Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim.
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Michael|Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?
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Michael|Hey, Arnie, how ya doing?
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Evan|Do you guys work together?
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Jim|No, we used to. Now we’re friends.
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Michael|Best friends.
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@@ -220,3 +220,10 @@ Michael|[unlocks door] Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Rea
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Michael|Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford… to a convict, to… my friend. Back to a convict. Then to… a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to… a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.
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-
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Andy|[singing] So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they’re wrong, wait and see, ’cause one day we’ll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee…
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-!9
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Ryan|You have something you want to say to me about the baby?
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Kelly|No
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Ryan|Okay
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Kelly|Omigod, Ryan, babies are so cute and I want one right this instant!
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-!9
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Ryan|Yeah, babies are cute. You know what's not cute? The fact that Kelly forgets to take her birth control pills on purpose.
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@@ -101,7 +101,7 @@ Ryan|Michael.
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Michael|…And products!
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Ryan|What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
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Michael|Well… okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
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Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
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Business Student #1|Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
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Michael|We can’t overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. [everyone types on their laptops]
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-
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Karen|Hey Jim, here’s the aspirin you wanted.
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@@ -108,7 +108,7 @@ Andy|Twenty seconds to go time.
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Dwight|Got it. Carb up.
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Jim|Really? Power gel?
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Dwight|Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner.
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sAndy|Okay. We start. As soon as I make… this shot. Aaannnddd go!
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Andy|Okay. We start. As soon as I make… this shot. Aaannnddd go!
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Dwight|Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute.
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Jim|What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working?
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Dwight|Today I’m prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices.
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@@ -315,13 +315,13 @@ Ryan|Wait! This doesn’t matter. And I don’t even care. Michael, you quit the
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Michael|I’ve never done this before. I’ve never quit anything in my life. So, you are filming history.
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-
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Michael|Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full time jobs. One here at the Lipophedrazone diet pill company—
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Mr. Figaro: Lipophedrine
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Mr. Figaro|Lipophedrine
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Michael|And the other I was a Regional Manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
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Mr. Figaro: Never heard of it.
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Mr. Figaro|Never heard of it.
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Michael|In this dream I did both of these jobs beautifully, and I loved it, and everybody loved me. But the truth is, I can’t do this.
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Mr. Figaro: Are you quitting?
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Mr. Figaro|Are you quitting?
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Michael|I am.
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Mr. Figaro: Come back anytime, don’t forget to disinfect your headset.
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Mr. Figaro|Come back anytime, don’t forget to disinfect your headset.
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-
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Michael|I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep, and try it all again the next night.
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-
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@@ -132,11 +132,11 @@ Michael|Line it up Phyllis.
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Creed|Get her Phyll.
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-
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Darryl|[singing] Out of paper, out of stock, there’s friendly faces around the block, break loose from the chains that are causing your pain.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl: Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly, Darryl|Call Michael or Stanley, Jim, Dwight or Creed. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs.
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Darryl|Dunder Mifflin.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly|The people person’s paper people.
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Darryl|Dunder Mifflin.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly: The people person’s paper people.
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Andy, Creed, Kevin, Kelly|The people person’s paper people.
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Michael|Time out, time out, time out, time out, time out. I thought… I was under the impression that this was going to be a rap.
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Darryl|What’s rap?
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Michael|Okay, Darryl, wow, you need to learn a lot about your own culture. I’ll make you a mix.
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@@ -4,7 +4,7 @@ Pam|Okay, thanks.
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Pam|New York, as it turns out, is very expensive, and I ran out of money. I thought about selling a kidney, but Michael offered to get me a part-time job at corporate.
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-
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Pam|Hey.
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Michael [on phone]: Paaam-o-laaaaaa…
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Michael [on phone]|Paaam-o-laaaaaa…
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-
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Pam|Of course, now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week.
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-
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@@ -106,12 +106,12 @@ Michael|Yes! Wallace said there would be one of those.
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Andy|Mmm… bingo! [indicates towards concierge desk] Follow moi, bro-sieur.
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Michael|Wow!
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Andy|[to concierge] What about a nice sushi place? Maybe a place with a view?
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Concierge|Tsk… Oh. Matsuki. That’s a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.
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Concierge Marie|Tsk… Oh. Matsuki. That’s a good one. Uh, you may walk there if you wish or you man take the number seventeen bus until 9:00. Other than that you can take the taxi and the number is right there.
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Michael|Wow! Wow, I am blown away by this. I, um… I–ah! This is great, thank you!
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Andy|One final question. Where might you find yourself on a Winnipeg night like tonight?
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Concierge|Oh, the Huntsman is good.
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Concierge Marie|Oh, the Huntsman is good.
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Andy|[nodding towards Michael] The Huntsman.
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Concierge|Down here… the financial district.
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Concierge Marie|Down here… the financial district.
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-
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Michael|A concierge is like the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha. This is a woman who has been trained in the fine art of fanciness and pleasure. And when you meet one, it is intoxicating. Just what the doctor ordered.
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-
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@@ -1,4 +1,4 @@
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Description:[previously on The Office…]
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Description|[previously on The Office…]
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-
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Michael|I am on a lecture circuit. I’m goin’ around to all the branches, and I’m telling them my secret recipe for success.
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-
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@@ -310,7 +310,7 @@ Andy|Well, I…
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Kelly|Look, I’m gonna count to 3.
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Andy|Count to twen – count to twenty.
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Kelly|No. I’m gonna count to 3.
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Andy|K
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Andy|[mumble]
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Kelly|1… 2… 3
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Andy|Agh! Son of a bitch!
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Kelly|Andy, that was just the ice.
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@@ -36,12 +36,12 @@ Pam|Yeah, you don’t grab these [gestures to her chest] for balance.
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Jim|Well…
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-
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Dwight|I’m gonna say 30.
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Rolph|Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
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Rolf|Ah, 40. Insect repellent, which we clearly need, reduces the effectiveness of SPF.
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Dwight|Good point, but, thought of that already. Combination SPF/repellent.
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Rolph|Woah. Homemade?
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Rolf|Woah. Homemade?
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Dwight|Of course. You think the EPA would ever allow that much DEET? [both laugh]
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-
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Dwight|Rolph is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
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Dwight|Rolf is my best friend. We met in a shoe store. I heard him asking for a shoe that could increase his speed and not leave any tracks.
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-
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Kevin|Michael, isn’t that Holly?
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Michael|We’re just friends. [approaches Holly and AJ] Hey, hey, wait a second. Who let you in here, is what I want to know.
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@@ -147,10 +147,10 @@ Dwight|What happened?
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Phyllis|I… twisted it.
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Dwight|You weren’t even moving. [Phyllis leaves the court] Okay, sub!
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Angela|I can play.
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Rolph|Is there a… Meredith here?
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Rolf|Is there a… Meredith here?
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Meredith|Yeah! Man in!
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Angela|Rolph, did you not hear me?
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Rolph|I don’t hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend’s heart. Let’s go!
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Angela|Rolf, did you not hear me?
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Rolf|I don’t hear cheaters, tramps, or women who break my friend’s heart. Let’s go!
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-
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Michael|We could do a movie… sort of thing.
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Holly|[gasps] We could do Back to the Future.
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@@ -169,9 +169,9 @@ Holly|Hmm…
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-
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David|[playing volleyball, Scranton wins another game] Nicely done. We’re still going to crush you though!
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Charles|Yes we are!
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Rolph|You suckers are goin down! They’re gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
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Dwight|Okay, Rolph! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]
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Rolph|It’s true!
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Rolf|You suckers are goin down! They’re gonna wipe their asses with your serves! Piss all over your faces!
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Dwight|Okay, Rolf! Woah. Wait, wait- [shouts of disapproval]
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Rolf|It’s true!
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Toby|Ah, this reminds me of the HR convention last fall.
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Kendall|Oh yeah, with Bernie and Efrem. That was hilarious.
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Toby|Really, really funny.
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@@ -238,7 +238,7 @@ Andy|[playing volleyball] Jim, come on! [Jim scores a point, Scranton cheers]
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Charles|Look who just woke up! [laughs, scores a point on the next play] I’ve been up for a while.
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Kevin|It’s six to six. It’s a nail-biter. [ball hits Kevin]
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Angela|Kevin! Now it’s seven-six, or is that too much accounting for you?
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Rolph|Here’s an accounting question for you:
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Rolf|Here’s an accounting question for you:
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-
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Erin|[hits the ball over the net and scores a point] Yeah! Boo-yah!
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-
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@@ -80,7 +80,7 @@ Michael|[laughs, looks to camera excitedly]
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-
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Michael|There he goes. There he goes. [Stanley gets up from his desk, walks into kitchen area]
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Michael|So, what is the scuttlebutt? Anybody hear anything?
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Dwight, Jim & Pam: [stare blankly at Michael]
|
||||
Dwight, Jim & Pam|[stare blankly at Michael]
|
||||
Michael|Nothing? Well I got a little somethin’ somethin’. I don’t know if I should say…
|
||||
Pam|Just keep it to yourself then.
|
||||
Michael|Stanly is having a midlife crisis.
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -207,7 +207,7 @@ Gwenneth|Definitely.
|
||||
Darryl|You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an ass****, and told her to eat dog food.
|
||||
Dwight|We thought that she was you.
|
||||
Darryl|Why would you think a lady is me?
|
||||
Dwight|Are you… are you serious? Be… cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
|
||||
Dwight|Are you… are you serious? Be… cause you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?
|
||||
Toby|No, nah. I don’t see it.
|
||||
Darryl|Here’s what I’m gonna do, I’m calling corporate and I’m filing a complaint against both of you.
|
||||
Dwight|Aww, Darryl.
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -328,4 +328,3 @@ Ryan|Instead of $5,000 a year from now?
|
||||
Pam|How sure is this?
|
||||
-
|
||||
Pam|The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.
|
||||
-
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -145,7 +145,7 @@ Dwight|Can I listen to my music at a low volume?
|
||||
Jim|Yeah that’s great. Great.
|
||||
Dwight|Okay? [Unplugs cord, sings] “The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue-“
|
||||
Jim|[Overlapping] When’s the last time you upgraded your printer?
|
||||
D|“- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don’t know when-“
|
||||
Dwight|“- and the man in the moon. When you coming home Dad? I don’t know when-“
|
||||
Jim|[Whispers] Please stop that!
|
||||
Dwight|“-But we’ll be together then-“
|
||||
Jim|Can you grow up?
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -285,7 +285,7 @@ Angela|Did you think I stole your baby?
|
||||
Jim|What’s that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don’t, because I’ve got my eye on you.
|
||||
Kevin|[gasping as he looks into Angela’s purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?
|
||||
Angela|Someone put them in my bag.
|
||||
Doug|[to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let’s haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly’s.
|
||||
Doug|[to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? McPherson troop, let’s haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly’s.
|
||||
Pam|Did you lose Cece?
|
||||
Jim|Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did.
|
||||
-
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -1,28 +1,28 @@
|
||||
David Brent|Oh, sorry, mate.
|
||||
Michael|[English accent] Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me. Mate.
|
||||
David|[laughing] What you doing?
|
||||
David Brent|[laughing] What you doing?
|
||||
Michael|English?
|
||||
David|You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
|
||||
David Brent|You picked on the wrong person, I can tell you that.
|
||||
Michael|Oh no no, I’m not picking on you at all. You’re English, correct?
|
||||
David|Yeah big time, yeah.
|
||||
David Brent|Yeah big time, yeah.
|
||||
Michael|I’m working on an English character. Would you mind gi… It’s called Reginald Pooftah.
|
||||
David|Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
|
||||
David Brent|Ooh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
|
||||
Michael|Michael Scott.
|
||||
David|Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He’s called Ho Li [bleep]. That’s what it sounds like.
|
||||
David Brent|Oh, there you go. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. He’s called Ho Li [bleep]. That’s what it sounds like.
|
||||
Michael|[laughing]
|
||||
David|Herrow! Herrow!
|
||||
David Brent|Herrow! Herrow!
|
||||
Michael|I do Ping. Herrow. I Ping!
|
||||
David|You can’t do that these days. You can’t.
|
||||
David Brent|You can’t do that these days. You can’t.
|
||||
Michael|No, no, no. And people don’t understand that is has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
|
||||
David|No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That’s what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh.
|
||||
David Brent|No, no. No, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That’s what she said. [laughs]. [hugs Michaels] Ohh.
|
||||
Michael|That’s good. Pleasure to meet you.
|
||||
David|Where are you working?
|
||||
David Brent|Where are you working?
|
||||
Michael|Dunder Mifflin.
|
||||
David|Any jobs now?
|
||||
David Brent|Any jobs now?
|
||||
Michael|No, not right now.
|
||||
David|Just let me know.
|
||||
David Brent|Just let me know.
|
||||
Michael|All right. See you around.
|
||||
David|All right.
|
||||
David Brent|All right.
|
||||
Michael|Bye-bye. What a nice guy.
|
||||
-
|
||||
Erin|Your first student is here, Mister Bernard.
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -141,7 +141,7 @@ DeAngelo|Neil Patrick Harris?
|
||||
“Jo”|He’s in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing]
|
||||
DeAngelo|Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies!
|
||||
DeAngelo|[in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela?
|
||||
“Angela”: [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he’s a state senator.
|
||||
“Angela”|[Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he’s a state senator.
|
||||
Audience|[laughing]
|
||||
DeAngelo|Mmhmm.
|
||||
Angela|Oh wait, he can’t help because that title has no meaning!
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -74,7 +74,9 @@ Jeb|Good. I agree. Don’t worry about it. You won’t get any.
|
||||
German Minister|Would the family care to say something?
|
||||
Dwight|You had black hair and then gray hair.
|
||||
Zeke|You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5’4”, at the end you were 5’1”.
|
||||
-
|
||||
Oscar|They’re a descriptive people.
|
||||
-
|
||||
Fannie|[approaches and hugs Dwight] I see you started without me.
|
||||
Dwight|You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?
|
||||
Fannie|Well, I told you…
|
||||
@@ -104,7 +106,8 @@ Fannie|Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don’t think we have to do this.
|
||||
-
|
||||
Dwight|We Schrutes don’t need some Harvard doctor to tell us who’s alive and who’s dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
|
||||
-
|
||||
Oscar|[after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it] That’s it for me. [exits]
|
||||
None|[after Dwight opens coffin and begins firing into it]
|
||||
Oscar|That’s it for me. [exits]
|
||||
-
|
||||
Pam|I don’t think we should eat Packers’ cupcakes. We can’t give him the satisfaction.
|
||||
Phyllis|I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they’re dense. But, they’re also really fluffy.
|
||||
|
||||
@@ -298,7 +298,7 @@ Andy|At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here.
|
||||
Carla|Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45?
|
||||
Andy|My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal’s going out on.
|
||||
Carla|Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap?
|
||||
Andy|: Yes. And yes. [chuckles]
|
||||
Andy|Yes. And yes. [chuckles]
|
||||
Carla|Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid’s party, let ‘em throw pies at ya?
|
||||
Andy|Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I’m all for it.
|
||||
Carla|Well, Mr. Bernard, I’m gonna be honest with you.
|
||||
|
||||
Reference in New Issue
Block a user