Kevin|At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s Famous Chili.  The trick is to undercook the onions.  Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.  I’m serious about this stuff.  I’m up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes.  I toast my own Ancho chilies.  It’s a recipe passed down from Malone’s for generations.  It’s probably the thing I do best.
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Michael|Someone is returning!  He started his own company, and now he’s back.  Who could it be? I’ll give you a hint.  He is a man.  A man you have missed with all your heart.  A man who has ruined all other men for you.  Who is it?
Ryan|[whispering] Who is it?
Pam|[whispering] Who is it?
Michael|[whispering] It’s Michael Scott.  [applause; Michael jumps through sign] Hold it up.  Conference room, five minutes.
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Michael|Well, I guess the first order of business is to welcome back me, and Pam and Ryan.  [scattered applause] And how about casual Friday again, huh?  Reinstituting casual Friday?  You all look great.  What I want to do right now is try something a little different.  I’m going to throw it out there, starting with this meeting.  I want you guys to run it.  I want you to say whatever you want,  take it away.  Your meeting.
Dwight|[after a few moments of silence]  Wh–what are you doing?
Michael|If there is something that you would like to say as a group, then by all means, you may say it to me right now.
Angela|Okay.
Michael|Yes.
Angela|People are dressed inappropriately.
Michael|Take it up with Toby.  What I want you to do, is I want you to look inward.  And I want you to reflect.  And I want you to say something different.
Jim|Can you give us a hint?
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Michael|When I needed salespeople for my new paper company,  everyone here turned their back on me.  Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness?  No. Am I going to ask for big, crying apology? No.  Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? No.  I just want a tiny, microscopic version of that.
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Michael|Oscar, what were you going to say?
Oscar|Nothing.  I didn’t say anything.
Michael|All right.
Erin|Do I still have a job here?
Michael|Not important. [everyone mutters] Okay, alright.  Yes. Yes, you have a job.  Frankly, you have a job because Ryan and Pam are starting with us as salesmen.
Dwight|Wait, what?
Stanley|How is that going to work?
Michael|It’s going to work very smoothly, because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients from Michael Scott Paper Company and–
Phyllis|You mean the clients you stole from us.
Dwight|Yeah , aren’t we getting those clients back?
Michael|No, you lost those clients.
Andy|I call foul, sir.
Michael|Okay.
Dwight|You were bought out.  So the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Michael|Okay, Dwight.  Let me explain something to you.  I set the rules and you follow them.  Blindly. Okay?   And if you have a problem with that then you can talk to our complaint department.  It’s a trash can.
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Meredith|[to Ryan] Don’t fall in love with me, kid.
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Pam|[laughs]  Boscov’s at the Steamtown Mall?
Phyllis|It sure looked good on the mannequin.
Pam|Well, you have good taste.
Phyllis|Well, thanks.  I sure wish I had more time to talk to my clients, though.
Pam|What?
Phyllis|Isn’t that what you said to a bunch of my clients when you were stealing them?  That I didn’t have enough time for them?
Pam|Oh, I, um…
Phyllis|Close your mouth, sweetie.  You look like a trout.
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Angela|The man is wearing sandals.  I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work.  Gross!  I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.
Toby|Can’t you just not look at his feet?
Angela|Excuse me? Oh. You’re so educated, aren’t you Toby?  So trained to deal with a hysterical woman.  I don’t want to look at his feet.  [storms off] Do your job!
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Toby|Well, I was in the Seminary for a year and dropped out ’cause I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy.  Followed her to Scranton.  Took the first job I could find in H.R.  Later she divorced me.  So no, I wouldn’t say I have a passion for H.R.
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Michael|[hands Ryan a soda] There you are, my friend.
Ryan|Oh, thanks, man.
Michael|Pamela.
Pam|Thank, Michael.
Michael|Yep.
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Dwight|Fresh hot ink.
Stanley|“New File System”.
Dwight|Trust me, Stanley,  you’re going to want to read this memo very carefully.
Stanley|I am not changing the way I do my files.
Dwight|No, no.  This goes for all of you.  Believe me, you are going to want to heat my words.
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Dwight|When held over heat the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately.  Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink.  Urine.  It was urine.
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Oscar|I’m sorry you’re offended by my shoes, but I am not going to drive home to change.
Toby|I could loan you a pair of socks.
Oscar|No.
Toby|No, they’re clean.  I was going to wear them to volleyball practice later.
Oscar|I don’t think so.
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Andy|Andrew Bernard.
Dwight|Okay, what are you still doing at your desk?
Andy|What are you still doing not at your desk?
Dwight|Did you even read the memo?
Andy|All my files are now in reverse alphabetical order–
Dwight|No, you idiot.  There is a code embedded in the memo.  Listen, you need to round up all the salesmen, except for Ryan and Pam, and get them down to the warehouse pronto.
Andy|Oh, it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Dwight|Stop doing rhyming poetry.  Just tell them, please.  God, the simplest thing.
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Dwight|We’re in crisis mode here, do you understand?  The two unqualified so-called salespeople are being favored because they all failed together.  And frankly, I’m not convinced that Michael and Pam didn’t have a thing going while they were gone.
Jim|Can I address that?
Dwight|No, you’re too close.
Jim|Okay.
Dwight|Stanley, how do you feel about those two taking your clients?
Stanley|It’s not right.  I don’t like it.
Dwight|He doesn’t like it.
Phyllis|You don’t take my clients away and give them to a secretary.  [sighs] No offense, Jim.  I think she’s very pretty.
Dwight|Her face is okay, but– Jesus!  What –what are you doing here?
Meredith|I don’t know.  I saw a crowd.  I thought there might be a dogfight or something–
Dwight|Get out!  We need to do something.  I’m thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
Phyllis|Those sound too harsh.
Dwight|No, I’m not saying we do those things.  I’m saying something like those things.
Jim|Of course.  What is like a hostage?
Dwight|Excellent question.
Andy|We could write a strong-worded letter.
Dwight|Words will never be enough.
Jim|Strongly-painted picture.
Dwight|No, pictures are too interpretive.
Jim|Can I just say something?  I know that tempers are high, but I think the best way to handle this might be to just talk to Michael directly.
Dwight|Oh.  Well, that–that’s a great idea, Jim.  Oh, I totally see your point.  Okay, we’ll talk to Michael directly.  So uh,  meeting is over, I guess.  I’ll see everyone upstairs.
Jim|Great.  See you upstairs.
Dwight|C’mon. [whispers]  Guys. Psst, listen.  Now is the time for action.  I’m talking action–
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Pam|That one’s great.
Michael|I know.
Ryan|You look so classy in that picture.
Michael|I do?  Well–Where is that bowl?
Jim|Hey, you have a second?
Michael|Michael Scott Paper Company only.
Jim|Yeah, I think you’re going to want to cool it with that ’cause it’s starting to upset the other salesmen.
Michael|Okay, well—
Ryan|Tough.
Michael|I will–no, no.  I’ll talk to them when they all get back from the bathroom.
Jim|This is awkward to talk about, but there may or may not be–but definitely is–a mutiny  forming in the warehouse right now.
Michael|Against who?
Ryan|You.  Us.
Pam|What?
Ryan|It’s gotta be because they all want their clients.
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Michael|The old Michael Scott might have taken this, but not the new Michael Scott.  They are in for a bitter surprise.  I am not to be truffled with.
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Michael|Six weeks ago, none of these people wanted to come with me.  You two were the only ones with the stones to follow.
Pam|Mm-hmmm.
Michael|That was  us, right there.
Pam|We were something else.
Ryan|What you gotta do is you gotta go down to that warehouse and you gotta crack some skulls.
Michael|Mm-hmm.
Ryan|Chiklis style.
Michael|Yeah, the Commish.
Ryan|Yes, but Chiklis Shield style.  Not Commish style.
Michael|Yeah, yeah. The Shield.
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Creed|It’s crazy what’s going on out there today, huh?
Jim|I know.  Yeah, it’s…kinda–
Creed|Sometimes it’s best just to say out of it.
Jim|That’s true.  That’s right.  Yeah.
Creed|Want to play a game?
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Michael|Hey gang. Where you been?
Dwight|Lunch.
Michael|Where’d you eat?
Phyllis|A restaurant.
Michael|What’d you have, Stanley?
Andy|I had a salmon salad.  With water, no ice.  I was going to get a soda, but the waiter talked me out of it.  Her name was Flo, she had black hair.
Stanley|I had Mexican food.
Michael|So since you guys already ate, you won’t be eating the stuff you brought with you for lunch, will you?  [walks into kitchen] Oh, wow, Stanley.  Is that egg salad?  Andy brought some salmon.
Ryan|That looks great.
Michael|Dwight, is that a meat sandwich?  You guys hungry?
Ryan|I can eat.
Michael|I’m going to o have some of this meat sandwich.
Dwight|It’s pony.
Michael|Mom. What kind of sauce is on your salmon?
Andy|Dijonnaise.
Michael|Mmm.  Thanks for going out, guys.
Pam|Mmm.
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Toby|Hey, Meredith.  Can I talk to you privately for a second?
Meredith|About what?
Toby|Your outfit.
Meredith|What? What’s wrong with my outfit?
Toby|You–you might consider pulling it down a touch.  It’s ri–it’s riding up a little high.
Meredith|A bunch of prudes.  You know, Oscar’s allowed to wear sandals,  but I’m not allowed to wear open-toed shoes?  [pulls down dress, office gasps]  Is that how it goes?
Oscar|Meredith, your boob is out.
Meredith|Fine.  [pulls dress up, everyone gasps again]
Angela|Meredith, too far!
Kelly|Dammit, Meredith, where are your panties?
Meredith|It’s casual day.  Happy?  [bends over to get a file, exposing herself to the office]
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Creed|[playing chess with Jim]  No. IF you do that, I’m gonna do that.  IF you do that, I’m gonna do that.  IF you do this, I’m gonna do that.
Jim|Well, what if I just do this?
Creed|You don’t want to do that.
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Jim|I’m just hiding out until all this stuff blows over.  With Creed. Playing chess. At work.  He’s winning.  I feel like I’m describing a dream I had.
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Ryan|I’m sorry you feel that way, Mr. Bart.  Is there anything I can do to make things better?
Dwight|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.  Give me the phone.  Give me the phone.
Ryan|Exactly.
Dwight|That’s my client.
Ryan|Exactly.  This is your first complaint in ten years.
Dwight|Give me the phone.
Ryan|Things have been generally good.
Dwight|Give me the phone.  Tell him Dwight Schrute wants to talk to him.
Ryan|Look, uh, Mr. Bart…
Dwight|Hi, Mr. Bart.
Ryan|At these prices with this service…
Dwight|Hey, it’s Dwight here.  Give me the phone.
Ryan|You’re not gonna find this anywhere else.
Dwight|Dwight Schrute here.  Hey, don’t hang up.
Ryan|No, no, no.  Sir, don’t listen.
Dwight|I know times are tough right now,  and I laud your thriftiness. [tries to pull phone out of Ryan’s hand] Ryan!
Phyllis|Ryan, hand the phone over.
Ryan|Stop flustering me, everybody!
Stanley|Who let this boy on the phone?
Dwight|Ah! Mr. Bart!  Ugh! [slams phone down[ I cannot believe you lost that account.  He was my client for ten years!
Pam|You made him lose the account by screaming at him the entire time.  It’s okay, Ryan.
Dwight|You’re a secretary! What do you know?
Ryan|Okay.
Dwight|And you’re a temp and I’m taking your phone.   I’m confiscating this.
Michael|Hey, hey guys.  You know what I want you to do?  Shake hands, get over it.  That was not a shake, Dwight.
Dwight|We want our clients back or we quit, Michael.
Michael|Who quits?
Phyllis|Me.
Stanley|And me.
Andy|Me too.
Michael|You guys gotta be kidding.
Dwight|No, we gotta be deadly serious.  We’ll start our own paper company.  The Schrute-Bernard-Lapin-Vance…Stanley Paper Company.
Michael|I love it.  I love this idea, and I fully support you.  As a matter of fact, I’m going to give you some seed money.  [throws money at Phyllis] There you go.  There’s some seed money for you.  And you can take it, no hard feelings.  But if you stay, I want an apology,  and I want a big one.
Stanley|You want us to apologize to you?
Michael|Yes I do.
Andy|That’s completely backwards.
Michael|It’s frontward’s.
Phyllis|Michael, you thought you were attacking corporate, but we were the ones who got hurt.  You should be apologizing to us.
Stanley|That’s right.
Dwight|Right.
Phyllis|Michael, you always said we were a family.  Then you went after us.
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Michael|No matter how I look at this, I am in the wrong.  And I have looked at this thing, like a hundred different ways.  From my point of view, from their point of view…98 others.  And the bottom line, I am in the wrong.  I’m the bad guy.
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Michael|I need you to arrange a meeting between me and the sales staff without Ryan and Pam knowing.
Dwight|Gasp.  Are you talking about a secret meeting?
Michael|Whatever you guys did earlier.
Dwight|I don’t know that first things about secret meetings.
Michael|Just do it, okay?
Dwight|I’ll do–
Michael|Get ’em there.  Get ’em there.
Dwight|I’ll do the best I can.
Michael|Are you kidding me?
Dwight|Deceit does not come easy to me.
Michael|Okay, okay, okay.
-
Erin|I really love your outfit.
Kelly|Thank you so much for saying that.  I can’t believe that Toby thinks this is inappropriate.
Erin|You look like J-Lo.
-
Michael|So from the bottom of my heart to the top of my heart, I am sorry.
Stanley|Are you giving us our clients back?
Michael|If we could just focus and go down the line, and everyone would say,  “apology accepted”, I think we would all feel better.  And then we can break out  my gift to you–complimentary white chocolate bark.
Stanley|Nobody likes that stuff except for you.
Michael|They wouldn’t make it unless people liked it.
Phyllis|Michael, just give us our clients back.  That’s all we care about.
Michael|Okay.  If I give you your clients back there won’t be enough clients for Ryan and Pam, and I promised both of them they were gonna be salespeople.
Stanley|So?
Michael|Fine, have your clients.  I can see that’s what you wanted all along.  [everyone mutters “okay”] However, I rescind my apology.
Dwight|That’s fair.
Michael|You are not reacting at all as I had hoped.
Darryl|What’d I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?
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Ryan|Michael gave all of our clients back to their old salespeople, so now there’s not enough for both me and Pam to stay on.
Pam|He can only keep one of us as a salesperson now.  He’ll make his decision by the end of the day.
Ryan|I think you should get it.  You really grew into it.
Pam|Oh.  I think you should get it.  You’ve changed a lot and you’d be good at it.
Ryan|If you really think that, will you tell that to Michael?  That would go a long way coming from you.
Pam|Yeah.
Ryan|Thanks.
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Creed|So hey, I’m want to set you up with my daughter.
Jim|Oh, I’m engaged to Pam.
Creed|I thought you were gay.
Jim|Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed|I don’t know.
Michael|Jim. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Jim|Sure.  Let me just finish this turn.
Michael|[puts Scrabble pieces on board] And Bingo was his name.  Let’s go.
Creed|Challenge.
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Michael|I need your help.  This whole Pam/Ryan debate is screwing with my head.
Jim|I don’t want to be biased, but I am very close to Ryan.  You know that.
Michael|You’re close with Pam too.
Jim|Eh, she’s nice, I guess.  You know what?  Best thing to do, Pros and Cons list.
Michael|Pro for Ryan, he went to business school, he’s my number one choice.
Jim|Well, that’s–
Michael|I like his hair.
Jim|Cons, Ryan.  He defrauded the company.  He has never made a sale.
Michael|Okay.
Jim|He definitely stole my iPod.
Michael|That sounds pretty biased.
Jim|You didn’t hear my pros.  Environmentally-conscious ’cause his mom drives him to work everyday.
Michael|Okay. Pam, pros.
Jim|Mm-hmm.
Michael|I like her.  I think that she is a fast learner.  Cons, she doesn’t always follow through.  Sh–New York and the whole art school thing.  And Roy.  She has a weird voice.
Jim|That’s not true.
Michael|I don’t need to tell you that.
Jim|I think she’d be a really good salesperson.
Michael|I don’t think you are being totally impartial though, because you haven’t said one bad thing about Pam.
Jim|And I won’t.
Michael|Okay.  So be it, then you’ve lost credibility.  And I’m going to go with my guy, and that’s Ryan.
Jim|All right.  You’re right, sometimes when she’s tired, she can be a little bit shrill.  But that’s not a weird voice.
Michael|Oh, wow!  Whoa!
Jim|Take it easy.
Michael|Ho-ho, man!  Wow. [in a high-pitched voice] Honey!  I want you to bring the garbage out.  ‘Cause I’m not going to have sex with you unless you bring out the garba–
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Michael|I have a very difficult decision to make.  It’s like last week I was at the video store.  Do I rent Devil Wears Prada again? Or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie’s Choice?  It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.
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Andy|You don’t understand clothing, Toby.  You’re dressed like this amorphous blob of khaki.
Toby|All right, look, what you gotta understand is that when you come to work, you give up certain rights.
Dwight|Listen up, Flenderson.  You’re being weak and ineffectual.  I’m cowboying this meeting, okay?  Here are the new rules.  Earth tones only.  Also, women are forbidden to wear pants.
Toby|All right, come.  Sit down, Dwight.
Dwight|No.
Toby|I’m running this meeting.
Dwight|That’s debatable.
Toby|It’s not.  It’s not.  Sit down or I am writing you up.
Meredith|Ooh, where has this guy been?
Toby|Casual Fridays are cancelled.  [everyone protests]  Let’s just not do it anymore.
Andy|You’re running from the problem.
Toby|There’s not a single appropriate outfit in this whole–except mine, quite honestly.
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Michael|Pam, can you come in here, please?  Have a seat.  [clears throat] Well, there’s no easy way of saying this.  So I think I will just…drag it out.  Since the dawn of time there has been–
Pam|Just tell me.
Michael|I gave Ryan the sales job.  There just weren’t enough clients for the two of you.  So I had to–
Pam|No, okay.
Michael|I’m sorry, sorry.
Pam|Okay, I get it. [Michael laughs] Why are you giggling?  Is this a joke?  [Michael continues to laugh] Michael, is this– did I get the job?
Michael|[laughing] Yes, you did.
Pam|I did?
Michael|Yep.
Pam|For real, you’re not kidding?
Michael|No, you–no.
Pam|I did?
Michael|No, you’re the best person for the job.  You’re going to be great.
Pam|Oh, Michael, thank you.  Thank you.
Michael|[laughing] Oh, oh!
Pam|Thank you.  You will not be sorry.
Michael|You should have seen your face.  Oh man! Oh, that was classic.
Pam|Oh. [laughing] I really thought I didn’t get it.
Michael|Oh, really?
Pam|Yeah.  ‘Cause you said I didn’t
Michael|Oh, man.  That was really good.  That was really good.
Pam|What about Ryan?
Michael|I don’t know, I offered him his temp job back.  We’ll see.  He was not happy at all when I offered him this job and then I told him he didn’t get the job, so–
Pam|Yeah.  Maybe you shouldn’t fake fire people anymore.
Michael|I don’t appreciate you telling me what to do.  So clean out your desk, you are through here.
Pam|Thanks, Michael.
Michael|Oh! What’s our receptionists name?
Pam|Erin.
Michael|Could you send her in?
Pam|[opens door] Erin.  Michael wants to see you.
Michael|Hello.
Erin|Hi.
Michael|Have a seat.
-
Michael|This is very difficult to say, but no one here like you in the office and we are going to have to let you go.  [pick up phone] Hank, could you come up here please?  Hank is our security guard–
Erin|Oh, I can go.
Michael|He will be ushering you out.  [starts laughing]
Erin|Oh!
Michael|Oh, your face!  Oh!
Erin|Is–do the people–
Michael|No, I’m kidding.  No, you’re not–you’re not fired.  Yet.
Erin|Oh!
Michael|Oh…
Erin|Do they not like me, though?
Michael|I don’t know, actually.
Erin|Okay.
