Deangelo|So, coasting time is officially over.  Big changes are comin’, and they’re comin’ fast.  If you don’t like ’em, this is called a door.  You can walk right through it.  Alright.  I’m not here to be your friend.  I like my life outside of this place.  I live to leave at 5.  Change number one:
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Deangelo|They are trying to figure me out.  And I don’t like it.  Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear.  And I need to quickly figure out who’s a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader.  Because as soon as I’m hearing what I want to hear, I’m not gonna care.
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Deangelo|Change two, Toby, you’re gettin’ a new chair.
Toby|Thanks.
Deangelo|Don’t thank me!  Hey, don’t thank me, guy!  Okay?  And I don’t care if you like it.
Oscar|These sound like good ideas, why wouldn’t we like them?
Deangelo|I don’t care what your favorite flavor is.  Here’s a bowl of ice cream.  You either like it or you don’t.  [Andy nods] That’s my attitude right now in this room, that’s my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays.  Alright?  Clear?  Any questions?
Kevin|This all sounds great to me.  [hesitates] But I could see how some people might think that they’re bad.  I don’t know what to think.
Deangelo|That is a s–  astute observation, Kevin.
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Deangelo|Kev’s got me pegged.  [chuckles]
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Deangelo|It blows away Vermont in the fall.
Darryl|Snap, for real?
Pam|Good morning, Deangelo.
Deangelo|Hold on.
Pam|Okay.
Deangelo|[continuing to talk to Darryl] And if you’re really serious, you should go in the spring.
Pam|Because of the flowers.
Deangelo|No.  Because the entire state smells like Earth.
Pam|Dogwoods, or just the Earth.
Deangelo|Yes, Pam.
Pam|Hey, well, good morning.  I think I have good news for you today.  I found your new executive assistant.  My friend Carla.  [looking at resume]  She’s got great experience.  We even considered making her Cece’s godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time– but here’s her resume.
Deangelo|Put it with the rest.
Pam|Okay.
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Deangelo|[entering his office] Hey dudes!
Jim|Hey!
Andy|Hey!
Pam|Oh my God, he hates me!
Jim|No he doesn’t.  You just get so nervous and hyper around him.
Pam|I know.
Jim|Every time there’s a silence, your brain’s like “Heh-heh-huh-huh” [imitating crying].
Pam|Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings?
Jim|Careful.  There is no inner circle.
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Andy|Oh, there’s an inner circle.  Oh yeah.
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Jim|There is no inner circle.  Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys.
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Kevin|Jim only says that because he’s in the inner circle.  I also say that because I am also in the inner circle.  Did you get that, Ma?  Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle!  [thinks] Which doesn’t exist.
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Deangelo|[holding two cups of coffee] There he is!  Got ya coffee.  [offers cup to Dwight]
Dwight|Oh, wow, thank you.  That was so kind of you.  [throws cup in the garbage]
Deangelo|Not a coffee guy, I take it.
Dwight|It’s just that I own the coffee shop.  So, once you’ve seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it’s so much fun.
Deangelo|Listen.  I’ve got a sixer.  “Automatic for the People” on the jukebox.  Let’s hit the park after sundown.  Come on!  Pick up some sausage if you want.
Dwight|I think you’ll find what you’re looking for [points toward Oscar] over there.
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Deangelo|No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me.  It reminds me of my relationship with my son.  Except there, I’m the Dwight.
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Deangelo|Who’s the biggest client in the state?  I say we go get ’em, whatever it takes.  Huh?  What do you guys say?
Kevin|Yes!
Deangelo|Right!  Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients.
Kevin|Yeah, I say we just go for it!
Deangelo|[shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly] Is that ball lighter than usual?  Is that a Chinatown knockoff?
Jim|That’s Toys R Us, I think.
Deangelo|No, that’s definitely a knockoff.  You can feel the center of gravity’s off.  Feel that.  [throws ball to Gabe]  What do you think?
Gabe|[holding ball in open palm] Oh, yeah, totally.  Jim, you got ripped off big time.
Deangelo|[calling for the ball] Deangelo! [shoots and makes it]  See what I did there?  That’s what you need to do.  [makes shooting gesture] It’s that little English.  The British are coming.
Kevin|Yes.
Deangelo|Deangelo’s open!
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Deangelo|Hey Ry.  Your department’s killing it, baby. [puts arm around Ryan]
Ryan|Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure.
Deangelo|Keep it up.
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Ryan|The problem with having “It” or “the X-factor” or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it’s impossible to put into words what you’re bringing to the table.  So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I’m Kelly’s supervisor.  It’s not even that much of a stretch.  She pretty much does whatever I say.
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Kelly|What?
Ryan|I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Kelly|Why should I pretend that you are my boss?
Ryan|Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly?  I’ll tell you what I would have done for you.  I’d lie for you.
Kelly|Yeah, but you lie all the time.  You lie for no reason.  Ryan, you just like to lie.
Ryan|I’d die for you too.
Kelly|You really would?
Ryan|[hears Deangelo entering] Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don’t have those call logs on my desk, we’re just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company!
Kelly|Sure thing, Mr. Howard.
Deangelo|Woo.  Glad he’s not my boss.
Ryan|[whispers to Kelly]  You’re the best.  Thank you.
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Deangelo|You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name.  So I’ve never had to buy it.  True story.  I just drink my cousin’s.
Dwight|Congratulations on your one cousin.  I have seventy.  Each one better than the last.
Deangelo|You know what… straight up, why don’t you like me?
Dwight|I’m just not a suck-up like everyone else around here.  Okay?  I do my job well, so why don’t you just leave me alone and let me do it.  Okay?
Deangelo|Ohhhh no.
Dwight|What?
Deangelo|Okay?  I’m gonna win you over.
Dwight|No you’re not.
Deangelo|Yes I am.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Oh yes.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Yes.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Yes.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Yes.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Yes.
Dwight|No.
Deangelo|Yes.  Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes [starts to run out of the break room] yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes!
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Jim|[looking at resume] Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled “administrative” and “assistant.”
Darryl|The winner:
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Deangelo|Sorry gang.  Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car.  It’s not.
Pam|Oh no, do you think it was stolen?
Andy|I gotcha covered, boss.  Used to play with the parabolas myself. [opens desk drawer and takes out balls]  Got some extra balls!  [throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them]  Hey-hey-hey-ho!
Deangelo|Sorry, I never touch another juggler’s instruments.  You know, we’re all here, I’ve got the music cued, why don’t I just do my routine without the juggling balls? [starts to play “Wake Me Up Inside” by Evanescence] Prepare… to go into the danger zone.  [begins pretend juggling routine]
Pam|Oh wow, you weren’t kidding.
Deangelo|No.  Never.  Can someone please throw me a fifth ball?  If you dare!  [Kevin pretends to throw ball]  Incoming!  And we’re on!  Remember, nothing’s impossible!  Phyllis, where’s Phyllis?
Phyllis|[raises hand] Here.
Deangelo|Do you believe in me, Phyllis?
Phyllis|Yeah.
Deangelo|Because I believe in you.
Phyllis|Okay.
Deangelo|[pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range]  Feel that connection?  Don’t move your head.  Please.  Thank you.  Oh!  Big hand for Phyllis!  [clapping]  That took a lot of guts!  [finishes routine]  Ho!  I’m Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something.
Kevin|Didn’t drop a single ball!
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Pam|[imitating Deangelo’s pretend juggling routine] Look.  I’m juggling eggs and bowling balls.  I’m juggling with one hand.  No hands.
Jim|What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine?
Pam|What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine?  How can you keep defending him?
Jim|He’s good at his job.  And I like working for him.
Angela|Of course you do, Jim.  You’re a man.  Deangelo is a huge sexist.
Andy|Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I think if he was sexist, I’d be able to tell.  I took a crapload of women’s studies courses at Cornell.  And I wrote my own companion piece to the “Vagina Monologues” called the “Penis Apologies.”  So I know a thing or two.
Angela|Okay.  Then how about I’m the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin?  What about Pam and Kelly?  Also department heads.  But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything?
Andy|How could I not see it?  You’re so right.
Pam|[to Jim] Why don’t you talk to him about it?
Jim|And say what?  “Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?”
Pam|Why don’t you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office?
Jim|Mmm-hmm.
Andy|And if he doesn’t listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye.  Snip snip.  Am I right, girls?
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Jim|Hey, you got a second?
Deangelo|Yeah, I got tons of time.  This job’s a joke.
-
Deangelo|So what’s up?
Jim|Umm, really, it’s nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was —
Darryl|[opening door to Deangelo’s office] Hey, saw Jim come in.  We meeting?
Deangelo|Yeah sure.  Let’s make it a meeting. [Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office]
Jim|If it’s alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over —
Deangelo|What’s the big secret?  Why are you even whispering?  Come on, it’s the guys!
Jim|I know. [Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand]  Just the guys.  Well, maybe that’s, uh, part of the problem.  I think…so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads.  Uh, some of the female department heads.
Deangelo|Uh-oh.  Right?
Kevin|Hot!
Jim|Maybe there’s a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are…a little sexist, or —
Darryl|Damn!
Jim|Whoa.  Whoa.  Wait.
Deangelo|Are you serious?  Who feels this way?
Jim|Oh.  Like nobody.
Gabe|Umm, Pam?
Jim|It was —
Gabe|Was it Pam?
Kevin|That sounds like Pam.  You know how she gets.  Deangelo, she can get really bitchy.  [begins bad imitation of Pam] Kevin…
Deangelo|Guys.  Hold on.  Doesn’t matter who, okay?  I’m just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had – I had no idea.
Jim|That’s awesome.
Deangelo|Thank you.
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Kelly|[on phone] Mom, Ryan’s taking us out to dinner tonight.  No, no, he’s not going to stand us up like he did last time.  He won’t ever stand us up again.
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Ryan|[joint talking head with Kelly] So I am the new customer service supervisor.
Kelly|When Deangelo’s around.
Ryan|And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when —
Kelly|All the time.
Ryan|All the time.
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Deangelo|Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant?
Erin|Absolutely.
Jim|Hey, who’d you end up hiring?
Deangelo|Oh, I’m glad you asked, Jim.  Because apparently there’s a rumor running around here that I am a sexist.  I can’t work here effectively if you guys think I’m something that I am not.  I am not a sexist.  Raise your hand if you have a vagina.  [Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands] Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina.  [Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office] Yeah, yeah.  Okay.  Just about everyone.  What about Deangelo’s hand?  Oh wow.  He’s got ’em both up.  [Ryan raises both hands]  Yeah.  Uh huh.  [others raise both hands] Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there’s gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men.  Okay?  Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens.
Phyllis|I’m not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren’t.
Deangelo|Dwight, what’s your take?
Dwight|What’s the argument here?  NBA, WNBA.  One is a sport, one is a joke.  I love sports, I love jokes.  Room for all.
Deangelo|Man, you’re smart.  [Erin arrives with new executive assistant]  Oh, hey!  Hi!  Hello.  Welcome.  Uh, everyone, I’d like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield.  This is everyone.
Jordan|Hello.
Pam|So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before?  Uh, a law office?
Jordan|No, Anthropology.  We don’t have this in that size, pretty lame.
Kelly|Lame?  You worked at Anthropology?
Jordan|Yeah.
Kelly|That’s like my dream job.  How did you even get that job?
Jordan|Well, I umm –
Kelly|You chose this job over that job?
Ryan|Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today.
Pam|So, umm, is this your first office job then?
Jordan|Yeah.
Deangelo|Yup.
Pam|Wow.
Deangelo|No corporate experience whatsoever.  I didn’t want anyone with any bad habits.
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Kevin|[heading into Deangelo’s office] Jim, you coming?
Jim|Oh yeah, did he text us?
Kevin|Yeah. [Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight’s phone vibrates]
Dwight|[holds up phone and looks into Deangelo’s office] No!
Pam|Jim, what are you doing?  Get in there.  This is not the time to take a stand.  At least he likes one of us.
Jim|He didn’t text me.  [Andy’s phone chimes]
Andy|Yes!  I’m in.
Angela|Andy, what are you doing?
Andy|I’m going in, into the belly of the beast.  Gonna infiltrate and change from within.  [joins the group in Deangelo’s office]  What’s up, mancave! [makes barking noises]
Pam|[to Jim] Just go in.  Just go in, he probably forgot to text you.
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Deangelo|Internally, for office use [Jim quietly enters Deangelo’s office and sits down] where do we get our paper from?  Do we go –
Jim|[to Jordan] Don’t worry, the first day’s always the hardest.
Deangelo|[staring at Jim] Hey Jim.
Jim|Yeah.
Deangelo|Can I help you?
Jim|Nope.  Just… [Deangelo continues staring at him] Okay. [gets up and leaves office]
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Dwight|So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh?
Jim|Well, there is no inner…circle.
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Jordan|Dwight?  Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there’s anything I can help you with.
Dwight|Really?  Anything.
Jordan|Do you need anything?
Dwight|Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone.
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Andy|Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief.  Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market.  Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week.  Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project.  Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles —
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Jim|So this is my life.  Until I win the lottery [laughs].  Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.
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Pam|So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods.  And she becomes…The Horse Flyer.
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Ryan|Hey!  Kelly, that’s the last time I’m gonna talk to you about your paycheck!  Okay?  We pay you a fair salary here, and if you’re only here for the money, maybe you shouldn’t be here at all.
Deangelo|No one likes a money grubber.
Kelly|I’m sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  I’m sorry.  I just can’t do it.  Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss.  Okay?  Frankly, he hasn’t had a real job here in years.
Deangelo|Ohh.
Ryan|Oh, that’s hilarious, Kelly.
Kelly|No, he’s just a big fraud, Deangelo.  He’s like Rango.  He doesn’t work here, basically.  Just like the way Rango didn’t save those animals.  It was just a big misunderstanding.
Deangelo|Is this true, Ryan?
Ryan|I did not see Rango.
Deangelo|Okay, I don’t have time for this he said-she said.
Kelly|He’s not saying anything!
Deangelo|It’s too murky.  I like Ryan.  You seem kind of hysterical to me.  Ryan’s your supervisor.  Let’s just leave it that way.
Kelly|That’s not fair, I mean, I’ve been working here for such a long ti– [Deangelo walks away]
Ryan|[sighs] Oh, close call!  Okay, why don’t you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am.
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Pam|[knocking on door to Deangelo’s office as loud yelling comes from inside it] Hey!  It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it’s really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly?
Gabe|Well, that’s gonna be tough, because we’re getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself.
Deangelo|[chuckles] Oh, you mean Michael Jordan?
Gabe|[laughs] Total brain burp.
Deangelo|I’m no MJ.  I can do his dunk.  From the free throw line.
Kevin|Whoa.
Darryl|Daaamn!  Mad respect for my brotha!
-
Darryl|The man is paying me to take Chinese.  I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese.
-
Pam|Okay, well it’s just really loud.
Deangelo|Okay.  We’ll keep that in mind.  Alright, ladies, back to the game.
Darryl|Do it!
Deangelo|Jim!  Come on in.
Pam|You’re back in.
Jim|You know what?  Instead of a game, why don’t we do an exhibition?  I’d love to see that dunk of yours.
Deangelo|Yeah, we’ll set that up one day.
Jim|Today.  Now, maybe.  ‘Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don’t have to mime it.
Deangelo|Yeah, I don’t know.
Jim|Why not?
Deangelo|Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. [laughter] Let’s go downstairs!  Okay?  Let’s do it.
Dwight|Pass.  If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I’d lock Mose in the chicken coop.
Deangelo|Damn it, Dwight!  Enough!  Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! [Dwight immediately gets up and walks out]
-
Dwight|Okay, a little about me.  I respond to strong leadership.
-
Jim|Alright, there you go.
Deangelo|Seems a little close, you sure that’s the real foul line?
Jim|15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in?
Deangelo|Nah, that’s 15.  Yeah.
Jim|Okay.
Deangelo|And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don’t you sit underneath the basket?
Jordan|Seriously?
Deangelo|Yeah, come on.  I’ll dunk over you.  Best seat in the house.
Jordan|I don’t, I don’t think I can do that.  I’m holding your jewelry.
Deangelo|Right.  Yeah.  Okay, fair enough.  Kevin, you do it.
Kevin|Yes!  Okay. [sits down in front of basket]
Deangelo|Someone want to sit in Kevin’s lap?  Angela?
Angela|No.
Deangelo|Oscar?
Oscar|No thank you.
Deangelo|Okay, Jimmy, this is for you.  Show you that anything is possible.
Jim|Fantastic.
Deangelo|Alright?
Jim|Yup.
Deangelo|This is also for the troops.  [backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim]  Doctor is in! [hoop starts to fall] Ahhhh! [hoop crashes down on Deangelo]
-
Jim|[ambulance pulls away in parking lot] Now what?
-
Erin|[Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head] Deangelo?
Deangelo|[speaking gibberish] Tablab.
Jim|Oh my God, are you alright?  Erin, will you call 911 please?
Erin|Who should I say is calling?
Jim|Erin.
Deangelo|[lots of gibberish] says to bartender [lots more gibberish]  Droswip.  Droswip.
Gabe|Droswip, yeah.  I get it.  Okay, we’re gonna get you to the restroom.
