Michael|Kahlua Sombrero, please.
Waiter|All right, so just you tonight?
Michael|Actually, I am meeting somebody, but I’m a little bit early. Leaving my company. After 19 years.
Deangelo|I’ll drink to that. I’m starting at a company this week.
Michael|Oh, really?
Deangelo|To begginings and endings.
Michael|And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo|The moms and the troops.
Michael|Do not tell my fiance I’m drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo|[laughs] I won’t… I don’t know her.
Michael|I’m moving out to the burbs… actually, I’m moving further than the burbs, I’m moving to Colorado.
Deangelo|Colorado! The sunshine state.
Michael|Yep. Don’t mess with Colorado.
Deangelo|Doing some skiing?
Michael|No, no. I don’t want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo|Well that’s just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.
Michael|You know, I would like to try the luge, through.
Deangelo|Try it once, you’re hooked. That’s my guess.
Michael|That’s what I’ve heard.
Deangelo|I’m an olympics nut.
Michael|Oh yeah? Me too. Summer or winter?
Deangelo/Michael|[in unison] Summer!
Deangelo|[holds out fist] Knuckles! Actually, I gotta come around and give you…
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Deangelo|You know, it’s funny, I tried to get an animal olympics going.
Michael|Really? What happened?
Deangelo|You know, life happened. What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?
Michael|Oh… wow. The mountains. Where things are.
Deangelo|That’s the way it goes.
Michael|Man, he is late. I’m gonna call him. Do you mind? I’m sorry. [calls Deangelo, Deangelo’s phone vibrates]
Deangelo|Excuse me. Hello? You running late?
Michael|No, I’m here. I’m right… I’m at the bar.
Deangelo|I’m at the bar too.
Michael|You are? What bar?
Deangelo|I’m at the bar. The bar that’s located in the lobby of the hotel.
Michael|I… do not see you.
Deangelo|How long have you…
Michael|I’m been here about… gosh, over half an hour.
Deangelo|Ok, me too.
Deangelo/Michael|[looking up from phones in unison] Sorry…
Michael|What’re you wearing?
Deangelo|I am wearing a grey suit, red tie.
Michael|Are we both at the right place?
Deangelo|Which place?
Michael|I hear your voice.
Deangelo|I hear your voice, I see your lips moving.
Michael|I see your voice in the phone. Oh, man! [holds out hand] Michael Scott.
Deangelo|Deangelo Vickers.
Michael|Wow… that is insane! [laughter]
Deangelo|That is insane, that is the right term. Let’s get some Vodka up in this cranberry, and one for my friend.
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Michael|[entering Dunder Mifflin offices] Here we go! Are you ready?
Deangelo|I am ready.
Michael|Alright! Here we go!
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Michael|This is it. What do you think?
Deangelo|Oh, she’ll do. She’ll do just fine.
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Deangelo|I am very much looking forward to tommorow. It feels like the culmanation of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune…
Michael|[pops up from below camera, and runs out of room]
Deangelo|Did that? Did that just happen?! [runs after Michael] We should.. we should write a movie or something! I’m serious!
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Oscar|Michael is leaving. And apparently they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork wise.
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Kevin|[wearing wig] Nope! It’s not Ashton Kutcher. It’s Kevin Malone! Equally handsome, equally smart! [winks]
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Michael|Ok, everyone, as you know, one of my favorite things is fanfare for it’s own sake. So, without further ado, let’s start clapping! Presenting Deangelo Vickers!
Deangelo|[blinds roll down, Deangelo waving]
Michael|Come on out!
Deangelo|Hello! [opens door] How are you sir?
Michael|I am well, sir, how are you?
Deangelo|Can I just say, I am so excited to be working here. Little bit about myself, I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, I call them heaven. I have a peanut allergy, something I live with, it’s a part of me. I’ve learned to cope with it. What else, I’m just as comfortable at the ball game as I am at the opera. I was a-
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Dwight|Did I want to be made manager? Sure. A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely. A crushing blow? Yes. Will I get over it? No. But life goes on. Not for me.
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Kelly|[drops papers as Deangelo walks by] I’ll get that you guys. Don’t… it’s just… you know…
Deangelo|[picks up paper] I’ll help you.
Kelly|Oh, hi! [obviously flirting body language]
Deangelo|Hello!
Kelly|Have we met before?
Deangelo|No, not officially, actually, I saw you walking out of the bathroom before.
Kelly|Well, I guess I’ll go back to my cave. It was really great meeting you.
Deangelo|[offers Kelly the papers as she walks away]
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Kelly|And that is what you call a meet cute.
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Michael|And we talk for like 20 minutes, no clue it’s Deangelo the whole time!
Darryl|Kind of embarassing.
Angela|Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.
Michael|I happen to like the hilarious hijinx I get myself into. There he is! Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night, when we met. Remember that? That was crazy!
Deangelo|Oh. [chuckles] That was… let’s see, where’s my replacement? Where’s the guy I’m replacing? Why don’t I look to the left? He’s sitting right there! [office laughs]
Michael|Oh yeah… I know… that’s what I was just saying… that’s what…
Deangelo|[silences Michael]
Andy|That exact situation is why I always carry around some of these. [holds up ‘Hello, my name is..,’] nametags. Just in case. Because sometimes you just need to I.D. yourself.
Deangelo|[laughs] Office funny guy! Always glad to have an office funny guy around!
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Andy|I wasn’t even trying to make a joke. But I guess I’ve always been sorta quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.
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Michael|This is Jim and Pam, aka Jap. What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.
Pam|Well, it wasn’t an affair.
Michael|Yes it was.
Pam|But, no, but we are a family.
Jim|[points to picture of Cecelia] We made that.
Pam|Cecelia.
Deangelo|Well, congratulations. I have four kids of my own.
Pam|Really? Oh, my gosh! We just have the one, but she poops for four. [laughs]
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Pam|Uh oh. Someone started off on the right foot with the new boss!
Jim|Yeah, they don’t ever talk about careers that were made because of unplanned pregnancies.
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Dwight|Thanks for meeting me.
Michael|Are you kidding? I’d come anywhere to see a turtle? Where’d you find him.
Dwight|There’s no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.
Michael|You know me very well, Dwight.
Dwight|That’s because I’m your right-hand man, Michael, but I can’t do it again. I can’t do it again for a whole new guy.
Michael|Now I’m gonna have to go online and look at turtles or I’ll be off all day.
Dwight|I want to be manager. I just don’t understand why I wasn’t even interviewed for the job. What’s wrong? I was totally qualified, you were pushing for me.
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Meredith|That apple looks delic!
Deangelo|I do a lot of portion control. I try to keep my daily calor intake under 1200. [laughter]
Stanley|Deangelo, you’re going to starve to death. [laughter]
Michael|So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me? I call the middle!
Darryl|It’s cool that you like the southwest. It’s one of my favorite regions.
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Darryl|It’s one of my favorite regions? Did I just sound totally lame? No, I sounded good.
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Darryl|I love the desert. It’s one of my favorite ecosystems.
Deangelo|Here’s the great thing about the southwest; there’s so much more than desert. Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon is a forest as lush as you’ve ever seen.
Kevin|Burnt! It’s lush, dummie. Hey, Deangelo, what do you think of bald people? I hate them.
Angela|Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you like politics?
Deangelo|I did not.
Angela|Cause I was thinking that you should meet my boyfriend, he’s a state senator. I really think the two of you would hit it off. He’s a great person to know.
Deangelo|Sounds very interesting, thank you.
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Erin|Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin. Ok, let me transfer you.
Deangelo|Why do you use your name when you use the phone?
Erin|Oh, that’s how Pam does it. I just copy her. She’s sort of a living legend.
Deangelo|Try it without using your name.
Erin|Dunder Mifflin, this is… oh, I like it!
Deangelo|Dunder Mifflin, how may I assist you?
Erin|Oh, assist.
Michael|I sorta like the old way.
Deangelo|I just prefer it without the name and I thought- I’ve got to start doing some managing at some point.
Michael|I know, I know, I’m sorry, but if it’s not a big deal we should just-
Deangelo|And it really isn’t.
Michael|Is that good?
Erin|Yeah, ok, good.
Deangelo|Well, I’d like to change it, actually.
Michael|Well, whatever. Whatever you think will work.
Erin|What do you think?
Deangelo|I think a change would be nice.
Michael|You can do the old way or whatever you think would work. [phone rings]
Denagelo|[whispering] Change it.
Erin|[picks up phone] …I’m so sorry. Sorry. [hangs up]
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Deangelo|Hey, funny guy. Wanna have a little mid-day lawl here. Make me laugh, huh? What you got? I can’t even look at you.
Andy|Here we go… ok… what do African Americans call… [laughter]
Erin|Deangelo, did you order a barber?
Deangelo|Oh, yeah. Put a pin on that, kid. Can’t wait to hear the punchline.
Darryl|Finish the joke, Andy. What do African Americans call?
Andy|I… don’t know. Help me.
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Ryan|[a barber enters the office for Deangelo] That is so badass. So hardcore.
Phyllis|Yeah, real cool. Real power move.
Deangelo|I saw a hawk today. Just sitting right there on the overpass. Looking at me.
Michael|[to Erin] Shave me. [walks into office with Deangelo] This is going to be funny! Looks like we are going to be shaving buddies!
Deangelo|Ok, alright! I love it! I love it! Michael, this is Reggie. He is the #1 yelp reviewed shaver in Scranton. It’s not even close.
Michael|And this is Erin and she is going to shave my face. Here we go. [Erin puts too much shaving cream on Michael’s face, none on the neck]
Deangelo|Alright. This is how we do it. Feels nice, doesn’t it?
Michael|It really does. This is luxery. Here we go. Ah, that is nice.
Oscar|You wanted to talk to us Deangelo?
Deangelo|Ah, yes, please! Just cozy up there. Just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.
Michael|Well, we don’t really do rap sessions. We kinda do… [Erin shaves Michael] god… we sorta do more of like powwows or-
Deangelo|Ok, then, powwows then, fine.
Michael|That’s-
Pam|Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece, it is so adorable.
Jim|Alright, wait, little bit of backstory, she loves dogs. She calls them ‘da-das’.
Pam|Da-das.
Jim|And what happens here is-
Deangelo|You know what, enough about your baby, ok? I’m sorry.
Jim|We were… I think she was just trying to-
Deangelo|No, no, no, I know what you’re doing. Just quit it. I want to hear from the rank and file. How can I be the best manager for you all? What can I do better?
Michael|You know what, everybody? You have to be honest, here. You can’t say that everything is perfect. So, you know, come up with something.
Oscar|Well, Deangelo, I’d say communication could be improved. People stopped reading memos, so everyone marks them urgent.
Michael|Ok, you know what, I mark it urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, urgent D. Urgent A is the most important, urgent D you don’t even really have to worry about.
Erin|Michael, can you stop talking now? I need to shave your lips.
Michael|Don’t shave my lips.
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Deangelo|[Andy walks into room] What’s up?
Andy|I don’t mean to go into a rant here, but…
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Andy|I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.
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Andy|…I saw this thing on the news. Democrats want electric cars. Republicans don’t. I’m thinking, ‘how crazy is it that we have a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.
Deangelo|Let’s not talk politics in the office, ok? I like you better as a funny guy.
Andy|[leans on table] I wasn’t taking a position. It’s just one of those things where- [table collapses under Andy]
Deangelo|[laughter] Now that’s funny! That’s funny! You walk much?
Andy|Yeah, right, I mean- [walks into door, jokingly]
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Deangelo|Little click…
Erin|[pushing box into office] Deangelo, this box came for you.
Deangelo|Thank you. That’s my stuff. Yeah. Michael, take a look at this.
Stanley|Need a hand?
Deangelo|Oh, that’d be great, thank you Stanley!
Michael|You know, this office sort of has a perfect Feng Shui to it, so… you know, let’s not go overboard with the re-decorating, and I’m still here-
Ryan|[holds up painting of desert to office, who are impressed]
Michael|I still have to look at this stuff, guys.
Darryl|So this is a ten-gallon hat, huh?
Deangelo|Yep, ten-gallon hat. Technically, it only holds about three quartz. Little factoid.
Kevin|Interesting.
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Michael|Deangelo’s great. I love the guy. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the office. And also, I’m not sure if I love the guy.
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Darryl’s sister|[holds out cowboy boots for Darryl]
Darryl|Cool, cool. Alright, see you later.
Darryl’s sister|Hey, hey, hey! [holds up set of pistols in holsters]
Darryl|No, I’m good. Keep them.
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Deangelo|Hey, funny man! Whatcha got for me? Make me laugh?
Andy|[mimes using a rope to pull himself forward to microwave] Let’s see if they have my favorite teas in here… [throws tea packets into air, puts hand in unplugged toaster, pretends to be shocked, takes container of cheese-puffs and throws them into air, pours hot coffee on his pants]
Deangelo|[laughs] Drink some soap!
Andy|[drinks hand soap]
Deangelo|[laughter and applause]
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Andy|I guess this is my life now.
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Dwight|How do I become a manger at Sabre?
Gabe|First thing’s first, thank you for coming here directly. I know you could have called Tallahassee but they would’ve just looped back to me, so, it’s cool you recognized my role here.
Dwight|I left a message at corporate.
Gabe|Ahh. There you go. Get a recommendation from Michael. That’ll put you right on the shortlist for next time there’s an opening.
Dwight|Can’t you just use the recommendation you already have on file?
Gabe|What recommendation?
Dwight|From when he recommended me to replace him.
Gabe|…I’m sorry, I never know how to act in these awkward-type situations.
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Deangelo|Best whale watching:
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Jim|Hey, Deangelo! Wanna meet Cece?
Deangelo|That’s a cute baby. Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.
Jim|Thank you very much.
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Pam|See, we knew it! If he just met her, he’d understand.
Jim|We’re back in! Right?
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Deangelo|I swear, that baby could be the star of a show entitled ‘Babys I Don’t Care About.’
