Pam|I’m looking forward to ‘Take Your Daughter to Work’ day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I’m getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. …Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.
-
Jim|Bribery. Nice.
Pam|Oh, I have more. [Holds up bags of candy]
Michael|Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w—
Pam|Oh, Michael. You can’t be nasty today. [whispering] ‘Cause of the… [points to ‘Welcome Daughters!’ sign]
Michael|… Oh, God is that today?
Pam|I reminded you last night.
-
Michael|Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid’s environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I’m going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in “Raw,” and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in “Daddy Daycare.” both great movies, but, still.
-
Michael|Well, I’ll be in my office.
Pam|Don’t you think you should say something?
Michael|They’re cool.
Pam|Michael, I think that as the boss you should really—
Michael|Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I’m Michael Scott, and… I… am in charge of this place… ahh, what’ll make you… understand… I am… like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight|[in unison] That’s Batman.
Michael|Okay, I’m Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim|The ocean.
Michael|[under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds.
-
Dwight|[looks at Sasha] Mmm… hello tiny one.
Toby|[to Sasha] Come on.
Dwight|You are the future!
-
Kevin|This… is my file cabinet. Uhm… oh. This… is the partition… between my desk… and Angela’s.
-
Kevin|Abby’s my fiancee Stacy’s daughter, I think she’ll have a good time. I just hope she doesn’t look on my computer. …Actually, I’d better go check.
-
Stanley|Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Michael|Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you’ve really grown up. You know what? Don’t mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the… frat boys away from her.
Melissa|I’m in eighth grade.
Michael|Oh.
Stanley|She’s in middle school.
Michael|Yeah, middle school’s amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.
-
Michael|It’s not that children make me uncomfortable, it’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
-
Michael|[while Jake is throwing things at Michael] They want how many spiral pads?
Meredith|Um, fif–well, fifty… I… over ordered because they had a back order.
Michael|Okay.
-
Meredith|I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don’t have to pay for a sitter.
-
Angela|Can you put that down there?
Kelly|Yep. [spreads tablecloth]
Toby|[to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Sasha|Do you need any help?
Angela|No. Thanks. We’d… have to explain everything, it’s probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
Toby|Alright, I wasn’t expecting that. Let’s uh… let’s go draw.
Kelly|Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don’t you just love kids, Angela?
Angela|I guess I wouldn’t mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
Kelly|God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!
-
Ryan|Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I’m learning that fun for Kelly is… getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.
-
Michael|[on phone] Just compare last year’s order to this year’s. Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] … Yes. We–yeah, they’re very–they’re different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year’s, you’re just going to have to supplement it, somehow.
-
Pam|Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It’s actually pretty cool.
Abby|No thanks.
-
Pam|I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.
-
Jim|What are you reading?
Abby|From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Jim|Aww, best book?
Abby|Yeah, but I’ve read it before.
Jim|Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?
Abby|Definitely the Aquarium.
Jim|Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. …You don’t want to help me with some of my sales, do you? ‘Cause, I’m kind of swamped.
Abby|Sure.
Jim|Really?
Abby|Mmhmm!
Jim|Yesss. And you’re Abby, right?
Abby|Yeah.
Jim|I’m Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] Annnnd… let’s sell some paper.
Abby|Alright.
Jim|Let’s start with… your mom.
-
Michael|[on phone] Yes. Well… we can… [Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael’s toy train] uhm… hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I’ll call you right back. Yes, I promise. …Hello, can I help you? … You can pick that up, if you want. That’s— that’s alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael’s desk] Want to bring it over… here, make some room. My name’s Michael. What’s your name?
Sasha|Sasha.
Michael|Nice to meet you.
Sasha|Ooh! [picks up train whistle]
Michael|Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I’m the conductor. [blows into whistle] But I’m sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows into whistle] You want to try?
Sasha|Sure. [Sasha blows into whistle continously]
Michael|All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu…camonga! [Sasha and Michael laugh]
-
Jim|[shaking hands with Abby] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.
Dwight|There is no way that hurt.
Jim|Really? ‘Cause she’s pretty strong, Dwight.
Dwight|Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don’t have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don’t feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You’re so weak. [Jake walks over and messes with Dwight’s bobbleheads] Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector’s items, okay?
Jake|Do you have any computer games?
Dwight|No, I don’t have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.
Jake|Yeah, Meredith doesn’t have any either. It’s so lame here.
Dwight|You call your mom Meredith? That’s very disrespectful.
Jake|Whatever, okay?
Dwight|You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Jake|That’s your name? Mister Poop?
Dwight|Schrute. Mister Schrute.
Jake|Sure, Mister Poop. [Jake walks away]
Dwight|[quietly] … Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight]
-
Sasha|[to Phyllis] Are you Mother Goose?
-
Melissa|I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.
Ryan|Wow.
Melissa|There’s a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?
Ryan|No.
Melissa|You’ve never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you.
Ryan|Uhm…
Melissa|Come on! [Kelly glares through the door] You have an email address?
-
Kelly|…that I thought you should know …
Stanley|Mmhmm. What?
Kelly|I think something a little fishy is going on. [points to Ryan and Melissa]
Stanley|A little fishy?
Kelly|Yeah. I mean, I’ve been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe … [Stanley gets up]
-
Stanley|That little girl is a child! I don’t want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!
Ryan|Yes, I–
Stanley|Boy have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it! Whatcha lookin’ for, ain’t nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he’s not gonna help you if you don’t stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan|Okay.
-
Ryan|Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
-
Dwight|[plays the recorder] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat… a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid.  This is a very special story, it’s called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [reading from book] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs— are you listening, Sasha? Right? And ‘ere they dream when he’s about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!
Michael|Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight|There’s a photo…
Michael|What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight|These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these—
Michael|Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don’t want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha|What’s a Nazi?
Michael|What’s a Nazi?
Dwight|[standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement…
Michael|Don’t!
Dwight|…from the 1930’s…
Michael|Don’t! Don’t! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of— you know what? They’re going to have nightmares, so why don’t you just shut it?
Dwight|I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
Michael|[sighing] Why don’t you just leave? Okay?
Dwight|…Okay.
Jake|Bye, Mister Poop.
Michael|Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
The Kids|[raising hands] I do, I do!
-
Michael|Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [cracks up]
-
Angela|You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities [makes eye contact with Dwight].
-
Michael|This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That’s paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa|So… you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.
Michael|No, we don’t actually cut the paper. That’s a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby|That’s not fair. [the rest of the kids agree]
Michael|Yes it is, well, w-w–you need someone in the middle to facilitate…
Jake|You’re just a middleman.
Michael|I’m not just a middle… man…
Melissa|Wait, why doesn’t the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?
Michael|You are describing Office Depot, and they’re kind of running us out of business.
Dwight|We have better service than they do!
Michael|…There’s Creed! Let’s take a look at what he’s doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of… something. Right?
Creed|That is correct.
Michael|Say hi to the kids.
Creed|Hi kids.
Michael|Yaaaaay.
Creed|Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe]
Kids|Ewwww!
Michael|What are you doing? N–stop it! Stop it! Just–no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?
Creed|Th-the hair covers it, mostly.
Michael|No no no, we’re not gonna see— we’re not gonna see the four toed… Creed, okay?
-
Michael|You know, there’s something interesting about me you might want to know. I … used to be … the star of a kids show.
Kids|No way.
Michael|It’s true. I did.
Melissa|You serious?
Jake|Really?
Michael|I am totally serious. There was a show called ‘Fundle Bundle’ and I was the star.
Abby|That doesn’t sound like a show.
Melissa|What?!
Michael|It’s true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother’s house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled ‘Fundle Bundle’. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.
Ryan|Right. Okay.
Michael|I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Ryan|Um, I’m already getting the pizzas from Bernetti’s, so…
Melissa|You know, I can go with him.
Michael|Oka–
Ryan|No! I will… go.
Michael|Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.
-
Michael|[to Abby] Alright, nowwww… what kind… of pizza do you like?
-
Michael|I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives… They’re adults, for God’s sake.
-
Michael|I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called ‘Fundle Bundle.’ Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy|[from TV] …Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Let’s have some fun!
Michael|That… is Miss Trudy. Can’t tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can… fast forward. And… I want you… to…
Dwight|Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael|Stop! Stop! Stop! [Ryan resumes the tape] Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim|That’s pretty funny.
Michael|Yeah.
Edward R. Meow|…Recess! Hey, what’s your name?
Chet|My name’s Chet.
Edward R. Meow|Well hi Chet.
Oscar|Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael|Uhh, I don’t know.
Pam|That is!
Darryl|Checkin’ in with Chet. Doppler’s up.
Edward R. Meow|What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet|I want to be on TV!
Dwight|[employees chuckle] And he is on TV now!
Michael|Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don’t miss it.
Edward R. Meow|Okay, next? So, whats your name?
Michael|Oh! That’s me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow|Well what’s your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael|Recess.
Edward R. Meow|Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael|I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow|[jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh, ah… oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy|Hi everyone, it’s one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael|Coulda sworn there was…
Melissa|Did you get married?
Michael|…uh, no.
Abby|Why not?
Michael|Uh, just never happened.
Sasha|So, do you have any kids?
Michael|Uh, nope.
Jake|Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael|I do okay.
Melissa|Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael|Yes.
Jake|Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael|Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha|So you didn’t get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael|…I guess not… you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza… and I’m going to go do my work. Bye.
-
Pam|He’s not coming out. He won’t pick up the phone.
Jim|Can’t believe his mom dressed him like that, that’s the real tragedy.
Roy|[wrestling with Jake] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on!
-
Pam|So, Melissa… I met your mom a couple times. She’s so nice.
Melissa|Who?  Terry?
Pam|Mmhmm.
Melissa|That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
-
Jake|Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.
Dwight|Uh, okay. But first, that’s not my name.
Jake|You’re ugly.
Dwight|Well at least I’m not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So…
Jake|Meredith!
-
Michael|[Toby knocks on door] Yeah?
Toby|I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk]
Michael|Oh, that’s okay, she can keep those.
Toby|Believe me, she has enough toys… she doesn’t need your watch.
Michael|Thank you.
Toby|Is everything okay?
Michael|You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Toby|Uh… it’s true…
-
Michael|Well, sure, playing the field is great, don’t get me wrong, but there’s more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Toby|Mmhmm.
Michael|Tell me something honestly, do you… think… that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby|Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Michael|What about…
Toby|Not Jan.
Michael|…Jan. Kay.
Toby|If you really want to have kids, I— I guess you could somehow… foster parent, or something.
Michael|…Or biologically.
Toby|Somehow.
Michael|Thanks, that’s, no, that… that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I…
Toby|Yes.
Michael|Oh… kay.
-
Jake|Is it okay if I take one?
Pam|Sure.
Jake|Thank you.
Pam|You’re welcome.
Jake|Is your job hard?
Pam|It’s not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?
Jake|Yeah!
Pam|Really?
Jake|Yeah.
Pam|Okay. Um… here it is. Don’t put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool huh?
Jake|That’s so cool, yeah!
Pam|Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.
Jake|That’s so awesome!
Pam|I know.
-
Michael|Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And… I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
-
Kevin|Go ahead.
Abby|Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Jim|Ohh, man, I would love to! I can’t tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Abby nods]
Kevin|What’re you doing? You never have plans.
Jim|Thanks, Kev. Uhm… I’m actually going on a date.
Kevin|Niiice.
Michael|Hey, uh, no, please? You can’t leave yet. There’s still one more thing we need to do.
Michael|[singing] You… who are on the road… must have a code… that you can live by… [Dwight joins in] and so… become yourself… because the past… is just a goodbye… and teach… your children well…
Jim|Why does he own a guitar if he doesn’t know how to play?
Pam|I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves]
Michael and Dwight|[singing] …did slowly go by… and feed… them on your dreams…
Pam|My theory is that… [Jim signals he’s leaving, waves bye to Pam]
Michael and Dwight|[singing] …The one they picked… the one you’ll know by… don’t you ever ask them why… if I told you would cry… you never look at them and sigh… and know they love you…
Dwight|And they do, your parents, love you very much.
Michael|One more time. [singing] You…
-
Dwight|The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [Laughs] They didn’t eat the children.
-!1
Angela|Okay. I think five plain and one veggie should be fine.
Phyllis|How about pepperoni?
Angela|No.
Ryan|I like extra cheese.
Angela|Absolutely not.
Pam|I like extra cheese, too.
Angela|Fine. The first lesson we’ll teach children will be about obesity.
Ryan|Thank you.
-!2
Jim|I’m pretty excited about today. I baby-sit Toby’s daughter Sasha sometimes. So, she’s the coolest kid. She has seen me play with dolls, though, so I don’t know how cool she thinks I am.
-!3
Stanley|Put that away and learn.
Melissa|Learn what?
Stanley|Learn why Daddy’s so cranky when he comes home from work.
-!3
Stanley|I brought my daughter Melissa in. That girl is very spoiled. That child has no idea what I have to deal with so she can have her little cell phone and spend all my money at that Steamtown Mall.
-!4
Abby|I’m gonna go read my book now.
Kevin|[whispering] Angela. Is it okay if I’m the head accountant today?
Angela|I’m the head accountant.
Kevin|Yeah, but can I say that I’m it, just for today?
Angela|I can’t set that kind of precedent. She’s a bright girl. She’d see right through that.
-!5
Darryl|You must be pretty strong, huh?
Jake|Yeah.
Roy|You think you can beat up Darryl?
Jake|Yeah. I don’t know, maybe.
Roy|I think you might be able to.
Darryl|You think you could beat me up?
Jake|Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Darryl|Then you gotta have muscles, man. You got some muscles? Let’s see.
Jake|I got some muscles. You wanna see the muscles? Bam! Look at that.
Michael|Hey, don’t touch him, please!
Darryl|Man, you have got to be kidding me.
-!5
Michael|Didn’t do background checks of the warehouse guys. [exclaims] Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
-!6
Jake|Can I have a quarter? I promise I’ll pay you back.
Michael|Sure.
Jake|Can I have a dollar? Then I can buy chips and a drink.
Michael|Okay. There you go.
Jake|Will you marry my mom?
-!7
Oscar|Melissa. Hey. I was working. I was in the middle of something.
Melissa|Just give me two seconds, I’ll be done.
Oscar|I was in the middle of something.
Melissa|Dude, seriously, just give me two seconds, I’ll be done.
Oscar|Stanley.
-!8
Abby|…get you, I’m gonna get you! Come back here for more! [squealing]
Creed|Kids, kids, kids, slow down.
Abby|Oh, I’m gonna get you!
-!9
Dwight|What the… [pulls a pencil eraser out of his mug, after a drink]
-!10
Abby|Did you draw that?
Pam|Yeah. Do you like to draw, Abby?
Abby|Yeah, I wanna be an artist when I grow up.
Pam|Me, too.
Abby|You are grown up.
-!11
Kelly|So, how’s your day been?
Pam|Okay. It’s been a little more tiring than I thought.
Kelly|Yeah, it doesn’t help that Stanley’s daughter’s such a slut.
Pam|Hmm.
-!12
Jim|Hey, Abby. I wanted to give you this for all your hard work today. Look. Michael signed it and everything. Official.
Abby|Thank you so much.
Jim|Absolutely.
Dwight|Oh, I hate to break it to you, Abby. The certificate’s a fake. Okay? It’s not real. Where’s the certification number, Halpert?
Jim|Actually, I have the certification number right here.
Dwight|Oh, really? Uh-huh.
Jim|Yup.
Dwight|Oh. Okay. Fine. Well done.
Jim|All right.
-
Jim|“A7557962.” Totally nonsense numbers, but you do what you have to do.
