Dwight|[Michael grunts and strains while doing push-ups] Breathe. Work your core. Come on.
Michael|How many is that?
Dwight|Not counting the last one, 25.
Michael|Count the last one.
Dwight|Ok, 25 and one girl push-up!
Michael|Oh, new record!
Dwight|Okay.
Michael|Oh, what did you do today?
Jim|I made a sale.
Michael|Oh, yeah, sitting on your big fat butt. Alright, that is the number to beat.
Meredith|What do we get if we do ’em?
Michael|My respect. [everyone returns to work] Okay, I’ll make it a little more interesting. Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups –
Dwight|And one girl push-up.
Michael|Gets to go home. [everyone starts to do push-ups] Ooh! I say ‘dance,’ they say ‘how high?’ Here we go. Oh, no. No, no, no. Butt to high. [steps on Angela] Disqualified!
Angela|Ow!
Michael|What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Creed|[from desk chair] Oh, come on!
Jim|19. [grunts] I had a really hard work out this morning.
Michael|[Stanley straining and breathing heavily] Oh, wow, that is adorable!
Phyllis|Ten…
Michael|Yeah, I’m betting one more.
Phyllis|Eleven, wow!
Michael|Good.
Everyone|[chanting] Stan-ley! Stan-ley! Stan-ley…
Michael|Alright, alright. [chanting continues]
-
Oscar|Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.
-
Michael|Well, it’s not exactly fair. He’s got all of his weight that’s helping him go down.
-
Dwight|25. Yeah! Come on, you can do it!
Phyllis|One more, one more! [cheers and applause]
Oscar|You okay? You okay, Stanley?
Stanley|Excuse me.
Jim|Wow. [applause]
-
Oscar|Hey. Matt, right?
Matt|Hey, Oscar. You’re here early.
Oscar|I always come in at 7.
Warehouse Guy|No, you don’t.
Oscar|Well… Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight?
Matt|I don’t know. I’m free. If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Oscar|Yeah.
-
Oscar|Yeah, we talked this morning and we talked at Christmas. So, a little momentum there. [tries to open door, locked] Just a couple of hours to kill before work.
-
Darryl|Hey, what’s up?
Oscar|Hey, nice office.
Darryl|Thanks, it’s cool. So…
Oscar|You know what we haven’t done in a while? Happy hour. Upstairs, the warehouse, everybody just going out for a drink.
Darryl|Has that ever happened? Ever?
Oscar|Didn’t we? I think we did.
Darryl|You want me to invite Matt?
Oscar|Yeah, the whole gang, Matt included.
Darryl|Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Oscar|So happy hour.
Darryl|Happy hour. My pleasure.
Oscar|All right.
-
Oscar|So what do you think?
Phyllis|Hmmm, I saw a new drink on TV I’d like to try. I’ll ask Bob.
-
Phyllis|Yeah, I love going to bars with Bob. I tend to wear something low-cut, get men to flirt with me, and Bob beats ’em up. What?
-
Andy|A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
Jim|I would love, love, love to go. Only problem is, Pam’s at home with the baby and I think she wants a night in.
Andy|Oh, baloney.
Jim|Good one.
Andy|Ring her up.
Jim|Absolutely, I will do that right now.
-
Jim|I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing. She gets me out of everything. And I – and I love her. I also love her, very much.
-
Jim|So some of the co-workers were thinking of going out tonight, but I told them-
Pam|[on phone] Yes! Yes! I would love to!
Andy|Ha! Knew it!
-
Pam|[through phone] It’s been so long since I’ve been with adults. I am so excited to see everybody. Creed, Ryan. Oh my God, Stanley! Stanley’s going to be there. Yes, oh my God!
Jim|I did not see this coming.
-
Andy|Erin, I need you to fax this and get me a confirmation, pronto. [whispering] Are you going later?
Erin|Sure, if you are.
Andy|Yes.
Erin|Talk to me that way again, and I’ll cut your face off.
Andy|Whoa.
-
Andy|We recently struck up a romantic relationship. And, um…  but we’re kinda keeping it quiet for now ’cause it’s still kind of a new thing. It’s a little delicate, and we just don’t want all the drama.
Erin|Exactly.
Andy|Yeah, cause when everyone knows- [knock on window, open blinds to Kevin giggling and making sexual gestures] That’s actually pretty funny, but in general, you know.
Erin|Quiet.
-
Andy|Hey, boss man.
Michael|Yes?
Andy|A bunch of us are going to get some drinks, you in?
Michael|Ladies and gentleman, it is quitting time.
Andy|I’m sorry, I meant later.
Michael|Ok, yes. Sure.
Andy|For happy hour?
Michael|No, I got that.
Andy|Trying to get a head count.
Michael|I am in.
Andy|All right, yes! It’s a deal.
Michael|It’s a deal.
-
Pam|Oh, hey, I invited my friend Julie.
Jim|Okay.
Pam|I want her to meet Michael.
Jim|Why?
Pam|They’re both single, I have a sense they might-
Jim|You’ve been gone for a long time.
Pam|It is not that. Kevin! Oh!
Kevin|Yeah! [hugs Pam]
Pam|Hey, how are you?
Kevin|Oh, I missed you so much.
Pam|Aw!
Kevin|Yeah!
Pam|Yeah!
Kevin|Waaah! [starts to make crying baby noises]
-
Kevin|When a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-what’s fill up with you-know-what, and then her shirt gets, you know… that would be funny.
-
Michael|Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening. This is everything I dreamed. Oh, my God! [laughs]
Jim|Easy.
Michael|It’s not a birthday, it’s not a good-bye party…
Jim|Oh, hey, Pam and I are gonna go play pool with one of her friends, and we need a fourth.
Michael|Sucks to be you.
Jim|Would you like to be our fourth?
Michael|That would be sublime.
Jim|All right.
-
Darryl|So, the guy shows me the deck he’s built. And I’m like, ‘I’ll call this a deck if it’ll make you happy, but this is just a porch without a roof.’ [laughter, Oscar looks toward door] It was ridiculous man, it was like-you could maybe get two chairs on the thing. Two lawn chairs.
-
Pam|Hey, Michael.
Michael|Yes.
Pam|This is my friend Julie.
Michael|Hello, how are you?
Julie|Good. Hi.
Michael|What is a nice girl like you hanging out with these bums for? [Julie laughs]
-
Pam|Julie laughs at everything.
-
Julie|So you work with Pam and Jim?
Michael|Oh, no, no. Pam and Jim work for me. And if they win, they are fired.
Julie|[giggles] I should hope not.
Michael|No. No, not really. Not really, but they better not win.
Isabel|Hey.
Pam|Hey, Isabel, you made it. Oh, my goodness.
Isabel|Of course.
Pam|You want to play pool?
Isabel|Um, I’m gonna do a lap. See if I know anyone.
Pam|Ok.
-
Angela|And then they said the most ridiculous thing about Anderson Cooper, which I do not have the decency to repeat, but trust me when I tell you that-
Dwight|Hold that thought. Well, well, well. If it isn’t Isabel.
Isabel|Mm-hmm.
Dwight|What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?
Isabel|A girl like me is why a guy like you comes to a place like this.
Dwight|Ooh, I love repartee.
Isabel|Do you?
Dwight|Usually means there’s a battle scene coming.
-
Michael|So, what do you do?
Julie|I am an ESL teacher.
Michael|Really?
Julie|Yeah.
Michael|See, I didn’t think you could teach that. I thought that was something you were born with. What am I thinking right now?
Julie|Are you thinking that I said ‘ESP?’
Michael|Yes. I feel like an idiot. Awesome.
-
Julie|I was a little nervous when Pam told me he was her boss, but he doesn’t act like a boss at all. If I had a boss like that, we’d never get anything done.
-
Jim|So what do you think?
Michael|About what?
Jim|About Julie?
Michael|She’s nice.
Jim|Yeah.
Michael|Yeah.
Jim|So you like her?
Michael|Uh, yeah, sure.
Jim|So Pam was right?
Michael|About what?
Jim|About you two hitting it off.
-
Michael|[removing tie] Well, apparently, Michael Scott is on a date. And that, that my friend, changes everything. [puts on backwards golf cap]
-
Hide|My brother, good head, bad heart. Good head, bad heart.
Oscar|I know.
-
Pam|Hey, Michael, where have you been? [Michael shoots pool ball up into their faces]
Jim|Hey, you’re supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy. Nice one. Can I talk to you for a sec? All right. Everything ok?
Pam|Why are you wearing a hat now?
Michael|Guys, come on, I’m on a date. Let me do my thang.
-
Michael|Hi, I’m date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? [tries to wink]
-
Jim|You want to just make a run for it?
Pam|Maybe.
Kevin|Waaaah! [Kevin fake-cries into Pam’s chest] Waaaaah! Mommy!
Jim|What is happening?
-
Andy|Whoa! What is crackin?
Ryan|Guys, one second. [on dance videogame]
Kelly|We’re focusing, we’re focusing, we can’t talk.
Erin|What’s this game?
Ryan|One second.
Andy|Yeah, how do you play?
Ryan|Guys, guys, guys, please. [game ends] Ok, all right, it’s all yours now.
Kelly|Only three tickets.
Ryan|If we save ’em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Kelly|Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
Ryan|I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Andy|Wow, can you imagine what people would say if they saw us dancing together?
Erin|Oh I know.
Andy|They’d be like, ‘what’s up with those two?’
Erin|‘Hey, guys, get a bedroom already.’
Andy|‘Did we miss the wedding?’ Um, I got it-I’ll do this, and you play the racing game, and then we’ll switch.
Erin|Yes, okay. Yeah, that’s smart.
Andy|No drama. Ok.
-
Isabel|Oh, air hockey, basketball, we could play that. Oh, whack-a-mole.
Dwight|Any brothers or sisters?
Isabel|Three brothers.
Dwight|Really?
Isabel|Two are in the Marines, one’s a cop.
Dwight|Vegetarian?
Isabel|No. I love meat.
Dwight|What’s your blood type?
Isabel|O-negative. Universal donor.
Dwight|Universal donor. [startled by Angela, curses]
-
Dwight|Angela versus Isabel. Height, advantage Isabel. Birthing hips, advantage Isabel. Remaining child-bearing years, advantage Isabel. Legal obligation, advantage Angela.
-
Michael|Hey, guys, guys, guys. [steals a cherry from waitress passing buy] Watch this. Ready?
Julie|What are you doing?
Michael|I’m tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Jim|Michael, you don’t have to do this.
Michael|[choking] Wow. Oh, wow, that was close.
-
Michael|I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
-
Phyllis|Hey, you two having fun?
Andy|Did you tell them?
Erin|No.
Andy|This is exactly what I don’t want, the drama. I don’t want the drama!
Erin|I get it.
-
Isabel|[Isabel and Dwight playing whack-a-mole] You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight|Whacking moles. Hit ’em on the head. Whack. Say it with me.
Isabel|Whack!
Dwight|Extend the fingers more.
Isabel|Whack!
Dwight|Good.
Angela|This looks like a hoot.
Dwight|Hey, monkey, how you doing?
Angela|Whack.
Dwight|Listen, can I talk to you for a second?
Angela|Okay.
Dwight|Look, I’ve been thinking. We had a good run. We really did. But you don’t need to worry about this whole contract thing anymore.
Angela|It’s no worry.
Dwight|It’s just that we both-we want different things. You know, I want a big family.
Angela|I could see enjoying that.
Dwight|No, no, no, no. I want a big family. Tall. Thick. A big, physically big family. Listen, you go have fun. You’re off the hook.
Angela|But we signed the contract.
Dwight|Dissolved. Don’t worry, you’re free. Okay? Okay. See you later.
Angela|We both-you didn’t dup-
-
Jim|[Michael playing air guitar on pool table] Wow. Maybe we should tell her that he’s not normally like this.
Pam|Maybe it should come from a man.
Jim|Maybe it should come from a note… with flowers…tomorrow.
Bar Manager|Hello.
Michael|Hello.
Bar Manager|Hi.
Michael|Hi.
Bar Manager|You wanna pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table?
Michael|Yeah, why don’t you send the bill to 23 I Don’t Care Lane, Scranton, Pennsylvania?
Pam|Hey, Michael, why don’t you just get down.
Michael|Hey, she can tell I’m on a date, right? Right? I’m just having fun.
Bar Manager|Ted, are we having fun?
Michael|Really? You told on me. That’s lame.
Bouncer|We got a problem?
Michael|Yes. Homelessness. What?
Bar Manager|All right, go.
Michael|Where?
Bar Manager|Get out. Now.
Michael|Okay, all right. Okay, whoa. I’m just kidding around. I’m sorry.
Pam|Ok, um, why don’t we just finish the game? Michael, it’s your shot.
Michael|She can’t talk to us that way.
Pam|You guys are stripes, I think…
Michael|You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim|It stopped.
Michael|Well, I am starting it again!
Pam|Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
-
Michael|Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me and I’m gonna need you to go back over to the table and apologize.
Bar Manager|Then I am sorry that I didn’t kick you out.
Michael|I am here with my employees. I am here on a date. Hello.
Bar Manager|Well, uh, I’m the manager here, sir.
Michael|Well, it just so happens that I am a manager too. And the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle. And I don’t see that from you.
Bar Manager|Is that how you do it?
Michael|Yes it is. I am writing a book about it.
Bar Manager|Really? How much have you written?
Michael|I’ve written all of it… in my head.
Bar Manager|Oh.
Michael|If you’re really interested, it’s called ‘Somehow I Manage’ and there’s going to be a picture of me on the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Bar Manager|Huh. Have you read Lee Iacocca’s? It’s a classic.
Michael|Read it? I own it. But no, I have not read it.
Bar Manager|Dude, tonight! You’re not going to want to put it down. It’s gonna make you want to go out and buy a Chrysler tomorrow.
Michael|I own a Chrysler.
Bar Manager|Shut up.
Michael|No, you shut up.
Bar Manager|What’s your drink?
Michael|Grenadine.
Bar Manager|What?
-
Andy|We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, so follow my lead.
Erin|Okay.
Andy|[Andy sits at table with another woman] Hi.
Girl at table|Hi.
Andy|I don’t normally do this, but…
Girl at table|Do what?
Andy|Just sit down next to a beautiful woman and start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Erin|[Erin sits with man, rubs her hand on his thigh] Hey, big boy. Do you like it when I do that?
Andy|[Andy spits out his drink] What are you doing?
Erin|What we said to do.
Andy|We didn’t say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers!
Erin|I was flirting with a man.
Andy|Get in here. [Andy and Erin go into photo booth] Where did you learn to talk like that?
Erin|The movies. I don’t know.
Andy|Well, what movie? Black Snake Moan?
-
Michael|I manage a paper company-Dunder Mifflin/Sabre.
Bar Manager|You have a card?
Michael|I did. I actually put it in your bowl.
Bar Manager|Stanley Hudson?
Michael|No, no.
Bar Manager|Whoa, a lot of Stanley Hudson’s in here.
Michael|No, it’s Michael Scott.
Bar Manager|Michael Scott?
Michael|He is I.
Bar Manager|You just won yourself a lunch.
Michael|Oh, hey guys. [thumbs up]
-
Julie|I think I’m gonna go.
Pam|Really?
Julie|Yeah.
Pam|I’m sorry, he’s not usually like that.
Julie|What’s he usually like?
Pam|He’s more, just… like… you can go.
Julie|Yeah.
Jim|All right.
Pam|Okay. Bye.
Jim|See ya. Nice girl.
Pam|Yeah.
-
Michael|Hey, Julie! You having fun? [Julie leaves]
Bar Manager|So… when are you coming in for that free lunch? You’re gonna want to come in on a day that I’m working. Uh, maybe I can hear more about that book, too.
-
Darryl|Hey, man, you put together a pretty fun night for everybody. I saw you talking to Hide. Did you hear that dude’s life story? It’s amazing, right?
Oscar|I couldn’t understand a word he said.
Darryl|Let me tell you something, Oscar. All right, Matt’s an okay dude, but he’s a dummy. You guys got nothing in common.
Oscar|Maybe you’re right. I should count myself lucky.
Matt|Hey, what’s up?
Oscar|There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Matt|Anyone up for some hoops?
Oscar|Sure. Hoops!
Matt|Let’s do it.
Oscar|Hoop it up, right.
-
Andy|This is not what I want my relationship to look like. [holding photo strip of he and Erin fighting]
-
Andy|[over PA] Hi, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Andrew Bernard, and I’ve been on two dates with Erin Hannon and they went well, and there will probably be more. Thank you.
-
Andy|You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret was just too much drama. And I hate drama, so there you go.
Erin|[laughs] You love drama.
Andy|I know, I do, right? I’m a total drama queen.
-
Dwight|With this move, he can’t get you.
Isabel|Well, I think that he could counter that move. The Scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Dwight|Oh, please. I wish he’d come after me.  I would be like-aaah!
Angela|Dwight Schrute! Dwight Kurt Schrute.
Dwight|Sh-what?
Angela|You are hereby served with a summons to appear in Lackawanna county court.
Dwight|No, no, no. [trying to talk over her] Blah blah blah blah!
Angela|For breach of contract with Angela Noelle Martin.
Isabel|What are you talking about?
Dwight|What are you-
Angela|Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, establishing intent to conceive and raise a child with me.
Dwight|Angela…
Angela|Did he not tell you that?
Dwight|You’re really putting me in an awkward position here.
Angela|Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract?
Dwight|Angela, not here!
Angela|Dwight?
Isabel|Whack! [Isabel smacks Angela on forehead]
Angela|You’ll see me in small claims court!
Dwight|You are an impressive specimen.
Isabel|Thank you. [Dwight and Isabel kiss]
-
Kelly|[crying] Then, I spilled my drink, and they wouldn’t give me a refill.
Pam|Oh-oh, gosh. Oh.
Jim|You all right?
Pam|Okay, we have to get home.
Kevin|Yeah!
Michael|Halperts, wait up. Oh, what a great night. Got to hang out with my peeps. Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Jim|Actually, you didn’t.
Pam|Not at all.
Michael|I think I did. But I can’t take all of the credit. Some of the credit is due, in fact, to my good friend, Date Mike. Nice to meet me.
-
Darryl|Tell ’em your story, Hide.
Hide|In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die. Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No English,  no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
