Jim|[entering office] Hey. So, we saw a new billboard.
Andy|Yeah? Pretty cool, huh?
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Andy|What better way to announce our new slightly lower prices than with an ad campaign? And what better face for an ad campaign than our new regional manager?
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Andy|How’d it look?
Jim|You’ve seen it, right?
Andy|No.
Pam|Andy, somebody defaced it.
Andy|What? [Stanley enters office laughing] Morning, Stanley.
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Jim|There’s this thing that people tend to do with billboards. How do I put this? If there’s an opportunity for a graffiti artist to work in a… phallic shape, interacting with the artwork, it’ll happen, and Andy gave them that opportunity.
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Andy|Erin, how long did we order those billboards for?
Erin|Six months.
Andy|Oh, god. I need you to call the billboard company.
Meredith|[entering office] Great billboard! Funny, edgy, right up to the line without crossing it, loved it.
Andy|Which one did you see?
Meredith|Washington Street, the one with, like, twenty dongs on it.
Jim|Okay, don’t be gross.
Dwight|[entering office] What’s going on?
Pam|Somebody defaced the billboards we just put out in an inappropriate way.
Dwight|Oh, that’s funny. Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?
Andy|Yeah, Dwight.
Dwight|No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! [running from building] No, no, no, no, no, no, No, No, No, NO, NO! NO! NO! NO! [stopping in front of defaced billboard] NOOOOOOOOO!
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Dwight|Schrute Farms is very easy to find, it’s right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you’ve probably gone too far.
Ryan|Just give us the address. We’ll look it up online.
Dwight|It’s simpler this way.
Oscar|It’s really not.
Andy|Now, stated arrival time is 3 p.m.
Kelly|I don’t get the reason for this party.
Phyllis|Yeah, what’s the reason?
Kelly|What’s the reason, Andy? What’s the reason?
Andy|It’s just a garden party. Sheesh.
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Andy|You don’t need a reason to throw a garden party anymore than you need a reason to throw a birthday party. It’s a garden party. You don’t need a reason.
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Andy|Few other super simple reminders – no burping, no slurping, when eating take small bites and chew thoroughly with your mouth closed. Yes, Darryl?
Darryl|What happens when we’re done chewing? Do we spit it out on the floor, or keep it in our mouths the rest of the time?
Andy|I get it, I’m being a little overbearing. But I promise to be underbearing for a week if you guys just all… step it up.
Oscar|Andy, we understand basic table manners, we’re not children.
Phyllis|Yeah, it’s just a picnic.
Andy|This is not a picnic, Phyllis, it’s a garden party.
Darryl|There’s a grill in the warehouse I could bring.
Andy|Aw, ew, please don’t. Not a barbecue. It’s better than a barbecue. It’s dignified, quieter, there are rules.
Pam|How is that better than a barbecue?
Ryan|What’s the dress code on this?
Andy|I’m glad you asked – Connecticut Casual.
Stanley|Any chance Connecticut Casual is Pennsylvania Business, i.e. this is what I’m wearing to your party.
Andy|Guys, my family just threw a garden party to celebrate my brother’s promotion. It was a huge success. Check it out, there’s a video online. Heartwarming impromptu father-son duet.
Kevin|Yeah, Oscar, you showed me this.
Darryl|I’ve seen this, that’s not you.
Meredith|Yeah, whoa, who’s the sausage?
Andy|It’s my dad and my brother. I would have joined in but this melody doesn’t really support another harmony part, so… Check it out, that’s my brother’s boss. Look how psyched he is, he’s having an awesome time.
Jim|Ah, and did Robert California get an invite to your party?
Andy|Yeah, of course. Ye… I mean, uh, yeah, I think he did. [groans from the group]
Phyllis|Why didn’t you just say this was to impress Robert California?
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Gabe|I cannot believe that Andy is throwing a party like this just to impress the CEO. Classic Gabe move. Hey Andy, how about you don’t steal my business strategies, and I won’t dress like my life is just one long brunch?
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Andy|See you all there at 3 p.m., Connecticut Casual, remember your manners, and have a wonderful time.
Dwight|And please refer to the map, stay off of the web. Thank you.
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Jim|[pointing to computer monitor] So, we’ve typed in the address, now let’s take a look at the street view. [picture of Dwight and Mose on a see-saw]
Dwight|They don’t warn you when the cameras are driving by.
Jim|Ah. Why do you keep reading that garden party book? I mean, how hard are finger sandwiches and tea?
Dwight|There’s so much more to it than that.
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Dwight|I’ve been wanting Schrute Farms to break into the high-end event hosting industry for some time, and this party is a great opportunity. Plus, I’ve got a secret weapon. [holds up book, Throwing A Garden Party by James Trickington] Only one copy in the world and some sucker on the internet sold it to me for two dollars. [laughs]
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Jim|I’m actually really disappointed in how poorly my book is doing. [holds up same book] I’ve only sold one copy.
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Angela|Is there anything you wish you had done differently to avoid cankles?
Pam|Nope.
Angela|I’ve already gone up another cup size.  The senator is grossed out. When do you start feeling it kick?
Pam|Cece was around 22 weeks, but Phillip was much earlier.
Angela|Phillip?
Pam|Oh, oh my gosh. Yes, but don’t, don’t say anything, okay? It’s after my grandfather.
Angela|Phillip is the name that we’re using. It’s after my favorite cat.
Pam|[giggling] Oh, wow. Funny. It’s after my grandfather.
Angela|It’s after my cat.
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Robert|[on the phone] Andrew, I’ve picked up two possible gifts to bring this afternoon. One, a pot of marmalade.
Andy|Ooh, that sounds great.
Robert|Well, that, that is what you want then, the marmalade.
Andy|Sure.
Robert|You don’t want to hear the other one. You love marmalade.
Andy|Uh, I’ll hear the other one.
Robert|It’s a basil plant.
Andy|You know, the marmalade sounds great.
Robert|I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister and she’s very interested.
Andy|Then the basil will be fine.
Robert|Well, you clearly want the marmalade. Gretchen, I need another marmalade. Alright. [hangs up]
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Toby|Hey, where do I park?
Mose|I’m the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby|Uh, you know what, I can go park it myself.
Mose|I’m the… I’m the valet. You have to give me your car.
Toby|It’s probably okay…
Mose|Give me your car.
Toby|I think it’s better that I…
Mose|Give me your car.
Toby|It’s a finicky car…
Mose|Get out. Have a good time at the thing.
Toby|It’s a little tricky, you might have to… take… [Mose speeds away]
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Dwight|MR. RYAN HOWARD!
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Jim|Chapter 2 – Announcing guests as they enter is the height of decorum. The more volume displayed, the more honor is bestowed upon everyone present.
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Dwight|STANLEY HUDSON AND HIS MISTRESS CYNTHIA! JAMES, PAMELA, AND PEEPEE HALPERT!
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Andy|How’s it going over here, guys?
Oscar|Andy, stop hovering, you’re being really annoying.
Andy|Didn’t mean to bother you, Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you’re able, keep your elbows off the table.
Oscar|Wow.
Dwight|MR. AND MRS. WALTER AND ELLEN BERNARD!
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Walter|So, you all work with Andy.
Andy|Well, technically FOR Andy.
Oscar|Technically FOR Robert California. He’s our CEO.
Ellen|I thought you were the CEO.
Andy|I don’t know how you got there.
Walter|You said you were running the company.
Andy|This branch, I’m the regional manager.
Walter|Yes, that makes more sense. Are you all regional managers?
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Andy|Did I throw this party to impress my parents? That’s crazy. Now, if they wanted a garden party, they could throw one themselves, which, as a matter of fact, they did, last week. They threw one for my baby brother who is totally amazing, but I couldn’t care less.
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Andy|Can I introduce you around now?
Walter|Uh, yeah, we don’t have too long, we have theater tickets.
Andy|What are you going to see?
Walter|Money Ball. Walter Jr.’s choice.
Andy|What??
Walter Jr|Hey Bronard!
Andy|I didn’t know you were going to be here.
Walter Jr|I wouldn’t have missed it.
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Erin|Ahh! [bird steals her hat]
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Walter Jr|I’m Walter, Andy’s younger brother.
Jim|Oh, hey, how are you doing, I’m Jim.
Walter Jr|Tuna, right? And this must be your lovely wife Pam [looking at Meredith].
Jim|No.
Meredith|Hell no. She wishes.
Jim|No, no, no, no, no. No.
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Waiter|Sir, I need to be able to feed all the guests.
Kevin|[mouthful of food] I understand.
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Dwight|Set that down. [grabs waitress] Present yourself.
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Jim|Chapter 4 – One of the host’s most important duties is as Dance Master. A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon.
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Dwight|LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I PRESENT, ROBERT CALIFORNIA!
Robert|Hello Andy.
Andy|Welcome.
Robert|Thank you.
Andy|Hey, I want you to meet my first bosses, Mom and Dad.
Robert|Yes, hello, nice to meet you.
Walter|Pleasure.
Robert|Andy, where shall I put your basil plant?
Andy|Oh, I thought you were going to bring marmalade.
Robert|No, I’m certain you said basil.
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Ryan|This is not funny, man, let me down.
Kevin|I think this thing is broken.
Ryan|It’s not broken, Kevin. This is how it works.
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Andy|So pretty today.
Ellen|It’s getting chilly.
Walter|We really should be leaving.
Andy|Yeah, um, it would be weird if the boss man didn’t make a toast, so, hang on. Everybody, I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming, and to raise a glass to my amazing staff.
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Andy|Toasts are great. I mean, you toast somebody, they toast you back. It just goes round and round. That’s my favorite part about toasts, the reciprocity.
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Andy|Let’s hear from you guys, who do you want to toast?
Darryl|Yeah, I’ll say something. I think we should be acknowledging our boss, because none of us would be here without him. Robert California! [everyone toasts]
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Gabe|I can’t believe I didn’t think of toasting Robert. Get in the game, Gabriel! Why are you talking to Stanley’s mistress?
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Angela|I would like to toast someone who isn’t here but who will be in just four short months. Welcome to the world, Phillip Lipton!
Pam|I also would like to toast Phillip Halpert, who is due even sooner. May he be a good namesake to my grandfather who I promised as a child long before tonight that I would one day name my son after him. To Phillip Halpert!
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Angela|She just always has to copy anything I do! It’s the Ford Taurus situation all over again!
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Ryan|I’d like to make a toast to the troops.  All the troops.  Both sides.
Erin|I think we should toast…
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Dwight|Ladies and gentlemen! The last supper.
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Jim|Chapter 9 – The tableau vivant is not only welcomed, but expected entertainment at any garden party.
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Kevin|Andy? I think we should acknowledge the man who has led us to such a profitable quarter. To Robert California.
Gabe|I would also like to toast Robert California. Mr. California,…
Andy|You can’t triple toast somebody! At least not until we get everyone once.
Robert|I’ll say a few words if that’s alright with you, Andy.
Andy|Yeah, yeah.
Robert|You people say I led you, but it wasn’t me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager, one day the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us.  I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers.
Gabe|To Robert California, from the moment you entered our building and our hearts, you…
Andy|Some of you know that we have an internet star in our midst. Mr. Walter Baynes Bernard Sr., please report to the stage!
Walter|I’m eating, Andy.
Andy|Ah, come on!
Walter|Okay. Okay.
Andy|Yes!
Walter|What do you want to do?
Andy|Well, how about one of our classic father/son duets? [starts playing guitar]
Walter|Oh, whoa, sure? Really? It’s a little tricky.
Andy|[singing] Saying I love you is not the words…
Walter|It’s too high.
Andy|Yeah?
Walter|It’s high but it’s not that high.
Andy|Right, it feels strange.
Walter|Just take it down a little.
Andy|Saying I love… Saying I love you…
Walter|Here, give it to me. Okay. Uh, something like… [singing] Saying I love you is…
Andy & Walter|…not the words…
Walter|You don’t come in yet. [singing] …I want to hear from you, It’s not that I want you…
Andy & Walter|…not to say it but if you only knew… More than words is all you have to do to make it real…
Andy|Is anyone filming this? Seriously! Erin!
Erin|[holding up cell phone] It’s either taping or calling.
Andy & Walter|What would you do if my heart was torn in two…
Walter|You know what, Walter Jr. is here. Why don’t you come up and join us?
Walter Jr|Dad, no. I’m just having a good time getting to know Andy’s friends here.
Meredith|Get up there and sing or I will cut your larynx and you’ll never be able to sing again. Woo!
Walter & Walter Jr|[singing] May the good lord be with you down every road you roam. And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you’re far from home. And may you grow to be proud, dignified and true. And do unto others as you’d have done to you…
Andy|[applauds] Cheers! Alright! Cheers, cheers, cheers, get your own guitar.
Erin’s Cell Phone|If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Erin|Sorry.
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Kelly|I am so cold.
Ryan|That’s because you didn’t bring a jacket.
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Dwight|My first love is beet farming, but it’s a young man’s game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?
Robert|Forget the beets. Concentrate on the hosting. I could spend a considerable amount of money having my birthday party here.
Dwight|Oh really? Well, we have a number of birthday packages. The Pewter Package has the least amount of goats, not no goats, it’s still 10-12 goats, depending on the availability of the goats. Now the Goat Package obviously has the most goats. What were you thinking?
Robert|Of course I am not interested in goats. Why would you spend so much time going over the goats with me?
Dwight|I can get you exotic meats – hippo steaks, giraffe burgers…
Robert|We’ll talk. [walks away]
Dwight|It’ll all be goat.
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Andy|Hello, Cece Halpert? This is Andrew Bernard. I’d very much like to speak with you about your paper supply needs. That wasn’t even my worst sales call.
Walter|[knocks] Hi. What was that display?
Andy|I don’t know, I just thought if I could throw this great garden party and show you how respected I am that you’d be proud of me.
Walter|Andrew…
Andy|I know, I know that you’re proud of me.
Walter|I’m not going to tell you how impressed I am that you’re a manager of some rinky dink branch of a paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania. How long are you going to go on needing my approval? You’re a grown man, don’t act like a little boy who needs…
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Darryl|I think if I had parents like that I’d be trying to convince everyone all the time how great I was, too.
Oscar|Guess we found Andy’s rosebud.
Darryl|Rosebud?
Oscar|It’s a reference to Citizen Kane. Something that explains why a person became the way they are.
Darryl|I know Citizen Kane. Rosebud didn’t explain why he was how he was, it just represented what was important to him as a child, that he missed.
Oscar|Different school of thought. Let’s just agree to disagree.
Darryl|No. You’re wrong.
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Robert|Are you sure?
Ryan|Yeah! I’m too hot anyway.
Robert|My body has somehow become acclimated to southern Italy. Isn’t that strange? I’ve never been there! Oh, ah, yes, that’s nice. Thank you.
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Walter|It was a nice party, the setting was a little strange. Uh, the food…
Ellen|Sandwiches were dry.
Walter Jr|Bye Tuna, bye Pam!
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Andy|Hey everybody, I’m gonna leave and I just wanted to say I’m really sorry.
Darryl|Cheeseburger or hamburger.
Andy|Um, cheeseburger.
Oscar|Narddog. [throws Andy a can]
Andy|Thanks, Oscar.
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Pam|What are they doing?
Jim|Closing ceremonies.
Pam|Nice touch.
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Jim|I think I left my wallet in your house.
Dwight|Who cares.
Jim|Right here.
Dwight|MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim|Keys, keys…
Dwight|Stop forgetting things.
Jim|I didn’t forget them, they’re right here.
Dwight|MR. JAMES HALPERT!
Jim|I’m so sorry, I think I forgot that thing…
Dwight|What? Idiot.
Jim|Whoo.
Dwight|MIS… MI… What are you doing?
Jim|Hey, I have a question. Who do you think is really the best salesman in this office?
Dwight|That’s a stupid question, obviously mISTER JAMES HALPERT!
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Oscar|I cannot believe how condescending Andy’s being.
Darryl|He gets condescending when he’s nervous. Or when he’s excited or sleepy. Not an easy person to be friends with.
Meredith|Well I just hate being treated like some bum with no class. I’m a lady. I’m a mother. I’m a former boxer!
Andy|Hey guys, getting psyched for the party? Ryan? Can I count on you to wear an understated satirical outfit?
Ryan|Can’t wait. A folk colonialist gathering when unemployment’s at 9%. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Andy|Awesome.
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Dwight|Erin….the receptionist!
Andy|Oh, oh, oh, Kevin. I am reminded of a lame but useful saying I learned as a kid. What is the difference between Hors d’oeuvres and the animals on Noah’s ark?
Kevin|What?
Andy|With Hors d’oeuvres we only take one at a time.
Kevin|Oh, OK. What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a blonde?
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Jim|Chapter seven: The host should always present something spectacular to draw the eye of his guests.
Dwight|When all this is over, I’d like to actually go to one of Trickington’s parties, they sound like a blast.
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Dwight|Ladies and Gentlemen! I present to you…the Alamo! [reveals lump of ice]
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Angela|Little Cici asleep?
Pam|Yeah, she just went down.
Angela|Such a precious little angel.
Pam|Aww.
Angela|Cecilia….and Phillip.
Pam|Yes, after my grandfather.
Angela|Phillip is wasted on you. Jim is never gonna take the time to call him Phillip! He doesn’t even take the time to get a haircut. And Phil! Ugh! It’s just something you do to a hole!
Pam|Well I’m having my baby first, so that’s that.
Angela|You know what? It could go either way. My doctor said my hips are so dainty that I’ll most definitely have a C-section, so I could go early.
Pam|You think your doctor’s going to give you a C-section at six months?
Angela|Yeah! If I request it he will. And that is that.
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Andy|My parents are used to a certain type of class. The people that I work with are a different type of class. One is not better than the other, it’s just that maybe one’s a little higher than the other?
