Description|[Pam is on phone and clicking her mouse rhythmically, Jim is clicking his pen equally as much, and Dwight notices]
Dwight|Stop it!
Jim|Stop what?
Dwight|You’re talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke’s on you ’cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim|[chuckles] Yeah. That’s what we’re doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
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Jim|Yup. That’s exactly what we did.
Pam|It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, “I will when you lose the baby weight.”
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Dwight|Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
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Michael|Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim|It’s a pen.
Dwight|Michael, come on.
Michael|Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight|Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically]
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Michael|Ooh! Things with Donna are so… oh-ho-ho! They’re going great. I, uh… we’re just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and… orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I’m actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it!
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Michael|Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend.  So just shout it out.
Stanley|I have an idea for your weekend.
Michael|Okay.
Stanley|Let me get back to my desk right now.
Michael|Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas.
Pam|Stanley got to go.
Michael|Yeah, well, Stanley doesn’t help with anything. Come on. Shout ’em out, shout ’em out.
Andy|Walk around apple orchards.
Michael|Oh!
Andy|Super romantic.
Michael|That’s fun.
Dwight|Eel fishing.
Michael|All right.
Darryl|Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith|You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael|We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang’s.
Kelly|Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang’s when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael|Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, “I wanna go to Mount Pocono,” you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.
Kelly|Wait, that’s crazy far. Are you sure she’s not cheating?
Michael|You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World:
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Ryan|Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she…
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Michael|Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan|Sorry, dude.
Michael|No, no…
Pam|Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael|Run what?
Pam|Amok. It means, don’t let your imagination run out of control.
Michael|Why didn’t you just say that, Pam?
Pam|Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.
Michael|Well, that’s easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It’s stupid. I live in a fantasy world.
Jim|You do?
Michael|Yes, Jim, I do. And I can’t stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit.
Jim|But you didn’t believe any of this was true five minutes ago.
Michael|That’s what makes it so wrong.
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Michael|Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that’s what’s killing me.
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Dwight|Oh, God, that tickles. What did…
Michael|[whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
Dwight|I think I’ve got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]
Michael|This is you. How much do you charge?
Dwight|$100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael|I’ll give you $50. Money’s no object.
Dwight|I’m just gonna warn you… and I say this to all my clients… you might not like what I find.
Michael|Okay.
Dwight|And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves]
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Andy|Of course. Yeah, that’s terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire.
Stanley|My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems.
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Andy|Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It’s really important.
Gabe|There’s no way that you guys have any almond butter, right?
Andy|Yeah, I don’t know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire.
Gabe|That’s weird. I haven’t heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves.
Andy|What are we gonna do about this?
Gabe|I don’t know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do today. All right. Yeah.
Andy|Let me know what they say.
Darryl|[puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good.
Andy|What do you mean?
Darryl|You didn’t feel like he was hiding something?
Andy|I don’t know.
Darryl|Like he was… covering something up? Maybe.
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Darryl|Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said “Darryl, just wait. He’s a fool. There’s gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.” [smiles]
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Dwight|[sitting on his Firebird’s hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger.
Donna|Oh, hi. You work for Michael.
Dwight|I work with Michael.
Donna|Right.
Dwight|Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands]
Donna|Donna, hi.
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Dwight|All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.
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Jim|That’s interesting. Wow, it’s a little early for ice cream, don’t you think?
Michael|It’s never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn’t have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.
Pam|Oh!…
Jim|Oh, my God
Michael|It’s comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God.
Jim|You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just… stop beating yourself up.
Michael|I know. Well, I hope you’re right. We’ll see what Dwight says.
Pam|Why do we have to see what Dwight says?
Michael|Because I have him investigating her. I’m waiting for a text update.
Jim|Michael, no…
Pam|No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that.
Michael|It’s too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.
Pam|Michael. Okay, I’m… I’m going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael.
Michael|God, this is so disgusting.
Pam|Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
Michael|I know.
Pam|And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you’re in.
Michael|That’s not true. [Pam stares him down] You’re right, I ruin everything. And I’ve known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan.
Pam|Helene.
Michael|Helene?
Pam|My mother.
Michael|Oh.
Pam|My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head]
Michael|Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.
Jim|You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now.
Michael|[sighs] All right. [calls Dwight]
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Dwight|[at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna’s attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead.
Donna|Thank you.
Dwight|It’s all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured]
Donna|You okay?
Dwight|Yeah, I’m good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?
Donna|[chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about.
Dwight|Tractor pulling. Too bad there’s not a tractor here.
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Dwight|[moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who’s next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don’t quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you’re getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse?
Donna|Nope. I’m good, thanks.
Dwight|Really? Hey, um… [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his “workout”]
Old lady|Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat?
Dwight|Get out of my way. Huh!
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Dwight|Tomorrow’s fertilizer, am I right?
Donna|I’m out of here.
Dwight|Donna. Donna, wait, please. I’m sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I’m here:
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Michael|You’re back. What happened?
Dwight|Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.
Michael|No, what happened with Donna?
Dwight|Yeah, no. She’s not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]
Michael|Ugh!
Dwight|Put your fingers here.
Michael|No. No! Are you sure?
Dwight|I’m positive. Yeah, oh, and here’s your expense receipts right there.
Michael|Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight|People who don’t trust egg whites.
Michael|Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.
Dwight|Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she’s coming over here and she’s furious.
Michael|What? No, she didn’t say that.
Dwight|You’re right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] “What is with him? He is crazy. I’m coming over there to talk to him.” And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You’ll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael’s office.
Michael|I am not paying for that membership.
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Michael|[sitting on the floor behind Erin’s desk, sighs] Ohhh… mmm…
Erin|Maybe you’d be more comfortable in your own office.
Michael|No, I like the attention. Is she here yet?
Erin|Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes.
Michael|That’s her?
Erin|Yeah.
Michael|Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I’ll talk to you later.
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Donna|How could you think I would cheat on you?
Michael|I didn’t. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind.
Donna|That’s pathetic.
Michael|Ye… pfff. Well, no. It’s a lie. That’s not what happened. I just like you. I can’t believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want.
Donna|When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake]
Michael|If you wanna dump me, I totally get it.
Donna|I told you I like you.
Michael|Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs]
Donna|Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would…
Michael|…poop my pants.
Donna|Have you ever been to Vero Beach?
Michael|Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water?
Donna|We’re going.
Michael|We are?
Donna|Yeah.
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Andy|What’s up? I got your e-mail.
Darryl|Close the door.
Andy|Okay.
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Darryl|I don’t have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It’s like jazz. [scatting] Andy don’t mess with me. [continues scatting] I’ll figure something out.
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Darryl|Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things.
Andy|Such as?
Darryl|It was kind of mumbled, I don’t know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was “Andy,” “Problem,” “Eliminate,” something. I don’t know what it meant.
Andy|What? You don’t know what it meant? How about “Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?”
Darryl|Whoa. I hadn’t even thought of that.
Andy|[chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo.
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Kelly|Oh, hey, I love your earrings.
Donna|Thank you.
Kelly|Did Michael get them for you?
Donna|No, I bought them myself.
Kelly|Where?
Donna|Steamtown Mall.
Kelly|Claire’s? Zales? Ricky’s? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?
Donna|You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.
Kelly|Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor’s Place?
Donna|Uh, Franklin Mills.
Jim|[to Pam] What?
Pam|Hmm? Oh. It’s probably nothing.
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Pam|Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn’t Michael.
Jim|Wait, so are you… you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right?
Pam|No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love.
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Creed|Psst… [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down]
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Andy|Creed’s head of quality assurance. So he’d definitely be wrapped up in this.
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Creed|So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell’s a chump. I would have done it for anything. I’ve done a lot more for a lot less.
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Pam|So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It’s Cece. [laughs] She’s never gonna do anything wrong.
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Donna|Isn’t that something?
Michael|Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That’s exciting.
Pam|Hey, Michael.
Michael|Hey.
Pam|I’m sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related.
Michael|Well it can wait. It can wait.
Pam|I lied it’s personal. It’s about me and Jim. We’re… I just… you’re the only person I can talk to.
Michael|Jim is her husband.
Donna|Oh.
Pam|And…
Michael|And they are having problems, so sh…
Pam|No, not… we’re not… we’re not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love…
Michael|Good in bed.
Pam|Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim.
Michael|Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?
Pam|[loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad!
Michael|Okay, weirdo.
Pam|I love [leans over Michael’s desk to look at his computer screen]… this idea is neat. I’ve never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out]
Donna|Yeah I think it’ll be a nice trip. We’re gonna get a lot done.
Pam|[to Michael] You’re gonna wanna look at the date on that.  Oh, wow. Look at… golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer?
Donna|I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly]
Michael|Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam?
Pam|Absolutely. [both leave Michael’s office]
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Darryl|Look, I’m not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself.
Glen|I know, it’s just, I’m scared…
Andy|Your text said 911.
Darryl|Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily]
Darryl|It’s bad.
Andy|What’s bad?
Darryl|It’s real bad.
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Darryl|Still no plan.
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Andy|Oh, God.
Darryl|It’s getting bigger.
Andy|I might have to go public here, but no one’s gonna believe me. Uh… I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire.
Darryl|I can videotape it.
Andy|Yeah.
Darryl|[to camera] There it is.
Andy|There what is?
Darryl|What?
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Michael|Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
Pam|I don’t know who he is.
Michael|God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what?
Pam|What?
Michael|I’m gonna kill him. No, I’m not. I feel… I… no, I’m not going to kill him.
Pam|You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her.
Michael|I have to hear it from her.
Pam|You have to settle down first.
Michael|I need to have her tell me herself. Right?
Pam|Okay. Okay. Yes.
Michael|I need to have her say…
Pam|Yeah, but you have to calm…
Michael|I need to say, “What the hell is that? What the hell is that?”
Pam|Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture.
Michael|No, God! No, no, oh, my God!
Pam|[in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael
Michael|[calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay.
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Gabe|[to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We’ve investigated. Every time it’s been user error.  They block the vents or something, I don’t know. That’s why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I’d like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That’s god for five bucks at Dunkin’ Donuts. Any Dunkin’ Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him]
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Michael|You know what? We should really do something fun this week.
Donna|Yeah, we should.
Michael|Wouldn’t that be fun?
Donna|Yeah.
Michael|How about Thursday?
Donna|Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do?
Michael|I can’t do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday?
Donna|Oh, Friday doesn’t work.
Michael|Oh, really? ’cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It’d be a great, great concert.
Donna|Shoot. I’m working.
Michael|Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by.
Donna|Well, won’t you be at the concert?
Michael|Nope, that’s Tuesday.
Donna|Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday.
Michael|You’re cheating. You’re cheating on me.
Donna|How do you know?
Michael|Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor]
Pam|[gasps] Did she see me?
Jim|[to Pam on floor] Nice effort.
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Andy|[in old Michael Scott Paper Company’s “office”] We’re printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy’s demonstration]
Darryl|You haven’t even introduced yourself.
Andy|Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you’re watching this, it’s because I’ve turned State’s witness because I’m in danger because I know too much.
Darryl|You should talk in a higher voice ’cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Andy|Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention…
Darryl|Higher. [motions with hand to go up more]
Andy|Make it higher? Okay.
Darryl|Mm-hmm
Andy|[high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation…
Darryl|One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]
Andy|[higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger… [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It’s working. [in normal voice] It’s… I knew it!
Darryl|This… [removes camera headset]
Andy|We are blowin’ the roof off! Blowin’ the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He’s been my partner through this entire thing.
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Darryl|I don’t wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It’s not funny. I’m just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.
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Michael|Who is he?
Donna|What, what do you mean?
Michael|The other man. Who’s the guy? Who is it?
Donna|It’s you. I’m married.
Michael|I’m the mistress?
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Dwight|[on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let’s take this next hill.
Gym Instructor|Excuse me. Yeah, I’d appreciate it if you’d just let me run this.
Dwight|You know what? You had your chance. You’re no leader. Out of your seat, let’s blast!
Gym instructor|Don’t listen to him, we’re approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill.
Dwight|No! The hill’s a trap. Let’s take the dirt road off to the side.
Gym instructor|No, guys, no. We’re just cooling down…
Dwight|If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one… jump! No! [points to those around him] You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead. Good jump. You’re barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.
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Description|In memory of Larry Einhorn.
