Nate|Got it. [taking a group photo outside]
Pam|Okay let’s go in. I’m freezing.
Michael|People, wait, wait, wait. Come back, come back. One fun one. We’re gonna do a fun one.
Jim|One Charlie’s Angels. One. Let’s go.
Pam|Okay, this is just a Christmas card from your paper supplier. No one’s putting this on their fridge.
Kevin|Oh, I got it, you guys, how ’bout this. Michael, what if all the boys are on one side, all the girls are on the other. The boys are like, ‘why I oughta’, and the girls are like, ‘let’s go shopping!’.
Andy|Let’s just jump in the air!
Michael|That’s it! That’s a picture! Yes! Jump in the air. We’re gonna jump in the air. Here we go.
Pam|Okay.
Nate|One, two, three. [everyone jumps at different times] Not everyone jumped.
Michael|Okay, everybody jump in the air this time, please. Here we go.
Nate|One, two, three. [everyone jumps] Still some people not jumping.
Jim|You gotta be kidding me. Who isn’t jumping?
Dwight|I’ll tell you who. Darryl, Phyllis, Stanley, Angela, and Oscar.
Phyllis|I am jumping.
Dwight|You are?
Phyllis|Yes, I’m jumping.
Dwight|Let me see you jump. [Phyllis barely jumps] Oh, my God. This is a store bought-camera. This isn’t one of those special military-grade cameras that would be able to capture that.
Pam|I’m freezing.
Nate|Um, also, Erin is jumping way too early. She’s on the ground by ‘three’.
Erin|I didn’t want to miss it.
Andy|Well, if we all jump really high, we’ll be in the air longer. Do that.
Oscar|Here’s a question nobody’s asking:
-
Pam|I’m the office administrator now, which means I’m basically being paid to be head of the party planning committee. The first thing I did as head… I shut it down. At its best it was a toxic political club used to make others feel miserable and left out. At its best it planned parties.
-
Pam|It hardly looks fake. It’s so lush.
Jim|Why’s it smell real? [Pam shows him a hidden car-freshener] Ah… good one.
-
Michael|Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, little children! [dressed as Santa]
All|Merry Christmas.
Michael|How’s everybody doing today?
Erin|Good.
Michael|How’s the party coming along?
Pam|Great.
Michael|Are we over budget?
Pam|Nope.
Michael|No? Good. Did anyone get drunk already?
Meredith|Not yet!
Michael|Good for you. Angela, lay it on me. What’s the problem?
Angela|Nothing. Should be fun.
Michael|So Stanley, how big is the bug up your butt today?
Stanley|[cheerily] Pam got those sugar-free cookies I like. I’m doing fine.
Michael|Alright. Well, I will be in my office making toys for the good children. Andy?
Andy|Yea?
Michael|Whatcha got?
Andy|All good, Santa.
Michael|Well, that’s a relief. Santa’s gonna take some much-needed free time. Alright. Good!
-
Michael|My kids are growin up. As a boss, I look at that and say great. It is exactly what a boss would hope would happen because that’s what I want. That’s what every boss wants is a, is a wonderful Christmas with no drama.
-
Kelly|It’s present time, you guys. [all react] Happy Holidays from your friends at Sabre.
Gabe|We just want to say how grateful we are.
-
Kelly|Sabre is actively looking for ways to involve me as minority executive trainee. So I suggested choosing the annual Christmas gift to the employees. And they said, “Oh, yes. Perfect. Thank you, Kelly. Finally, something for you to do.”
-
Kelly|It’s a Hello Kitty laptop sleeve.
Andy|Hello Kitty’s for girls.
Pam|Nashua got mp3 players.
Phyllis|Yeah, I don’t even have a laptop.
Kelly|I wonder if these presents would be under as much scrutiny if I were white.
Meredith|Wow.
Phyllis|Oh God.
Dwight|Oh come on.
Kelly|I said, “I wonder.” I didn’t say, “I think.”
Gabe|Kelly, I thought we agreed on fleece blankets.
Kelly|Blankets, what am I, five?
Gabe|Erin and I make great use of ours.
-
Gabe|Yes, Erin and I are still dating. Why do you ask me so often if we’re still dating?
-
Darryl|I’ll take one of those pink pouches.
-
Darryl|I feel good today. My little girl Jada? It’s my turn to have her for Christmas this year. Two years ago I had her, and we had the best time. I tivoed her favorite shows, some things I’ve never heard of. iCarly… You know who’s funny on that show? The friend with the video camera. He’s got a nice way of talking.
-
Jim|Hey, it’s snowing.
Dwight|[mocking] Oh, my God! It’s the first snowfall of Christmas. Is that just so magical for you, little girl? Can you not wait to have a hot chocolate, and cuddle up with Papa and tell him about all your Christmas dreams, hmm? It’s not even a real snow. Look, it’s a dusting. Pitiful.
Jim|[Jim goes outside, makes a snowball, and brings it back inside] Hey, Dwight. [Jim throws the snowball at Dwight and everyone laughs]
Dwight|Damn it, Jim, you cannot throw snowballs in here!
Jim|Well, it’s not a snowball, ’cause it’s only a dusting. Right?
Dwight|Look at that. There’s a pebble in there. You coulda killed me.
Phyllis|Oh, don’t be such a baby.
Stanley|Yeah, who’s a little girl now? [everyone laughs]
Dwight|You apologize to me right now.
Jim|You’ve got something on your nose.
Dwight|You apologize right now.
Jim|No.
Dwight|Very well, then I challenge you to a snowball fight on the first real snow of winter.
Jim|You got it.
Andy|That sounds awesome. Can we all do it?
Dwight|No, Andy, it’s a snowball fight. It’s not fun. Go get your own thing. Beat it. [Jim continues to shake Dwight’s hand] Jim, let go. Let go.
-
Kevin|Angela, are you bringing you new boyfriend to the party.
Angela|I wouldn’t subject Robert to that. He’s a very busy senator.
Oscar|State senator.
Angela|I would not expect you to know what it’s like to date someone in the public arena.
Oscar|Who are you dating in the public arena?
Angela|The senator.
Kevin|Oh, right. The state senator.
Angela|We went to a picnic thrown by the Comptroller’s wife.
Kevin|Oh, that would be impressive… if anyone knew what a comptroller was.
Oscar|Well…
-
Angela|Do you have any idea how many photographers there are at a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I do. Two. “Angela…” [imitates camera shooting] “over here, Angela…” [imitates camera shooting] “here. Look here!”
-
Pam|Before we kick off the party, I just want to remind everyone that an office party is just that…
Michael|Yeah!
Pam|A party. It’s not an excuse to get really drunk or confront someone or have a cathartic experience of any kind.
Michael|Pam? Pam?
Dwight|Pam?
Pam|Wow, there are, there are questions to that. Okay. Um, you know what, no questions. Last item on the agenda, Toby would like to make an announcement.
Toby|Hi guys.
Michael|Hi.
Toby|Uh, I just wanted to let you know that, uh, I’ll be taking a leave of absence starting next week.
Michael|Uh, because you’ve been on the Lam? Because the ‘boring police’ have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?
Toby|Uh, no, the opposite. I was actually selected to be a juror on a very high-profile case.
Michael|Yes, the case of the horrible red-headed sad sack. And the verdict, it was Toby. And the sentence, death. Death to Toby!
Dwight|Death to Toby!
Toby|Okay, that’s hurtful talk. We’ve talked about that. You know, I don’t interrupt your announcements.
Michael|You know what you, you, you leave these huge pauses in your sentences. What do you expect me to do?
Phyllis|What’s the case, Toby?
Toby|Well, I really can’t talk about it, but it’s a very high profile case.
Andy|Is it criminal?
Toby|Yes.
Andy|Have we heard of it?
Toby|I don’t know.
Dwight|Is it the middle school teacher who tried to turn her foreign exchange student into a sex slave?
Toby|Come on.
Meredith|Was it the post office guy who rubbed his penis all over the mail?
Toby|Guys, it’s a really big deal. [rubs his neck]
Ryan|He’s rubbing his neck. He’s rubbing his neck!
Kelly|He’s rubbing his neck.
Ryan|He’s rubbing his neck.
Andy|Oh, Scranton Strangler! [all react]
Toby|I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let’s just say I’ll be up to my neck in jury duty. [excited outbursts]
Michael|That was the worst joke ever.
Toby|Corporate will be sending someone else to take my place for a while.
Michael|Okay. Okay goodbye, goodbye.
Toby|Uh, Holly Flax, she comes from the Nashua branch.
Michael|What? What?
Toby|Yeah, uh, she’ll be starting next week. If you have any questions about the transition, just let me know.
Michael|Hold on, Holly’s coming back here?
Toby|Yeah.
Erin|Guys, who’s Holly?
Michael|That is a great question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe, just maybe a part of my future?
Erin|Wow.
Creed|She’s one sassy black lady.
Michael|Holly’s coming back, everybody, and we have to have a party.
Gabe|I’m not sure the temporary replacement of an H.R. rep really warrants a party.
Michael|You know what, we’ll postpone this party until then. This is too important. Cancel this one. Dwight get rid of the tree.
Dwight|Okay.
Michael|Cancel. We’re canceling it. [Michael starts to throw away all of the food]
Angela|No, don’t throw those out!
Michael|No, we have to cancel the party.
Angela|We can save that.
Michael|No, no, no, we’re gonna get fresh for Holly. Fresh and new.
Andy|I bought these.
Michael|I know.
Andy|These cookies are fine.
Michael|It’s not. They’re not. Fresh and new. Please let go. Please let go.
Pam|Michael, Michael, wait we don’t have, we don’t have the budget for another party.
Michael|Well then everybody’ll chip in, it’ll be fine.
Pam|I honestly think you’re idealizing people here again, Michael. I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
Michael|You know what, I’ll pay for it. I’ll pay for the party. It doesn’t matter. This is way too important. People, Holly’s coming back, and this is the most important Christmas party of my life. So back to work.
-
Michael|Man, I worked hard. I worked so hard for this! I was after corporate constantly. I emailed Joe. I wrote letters. And, know who I end up owing this to is the Scranton strangler. Thank you. Thank you, Scranton strangler. I love you! You just took one more person’s breath away.
-
Michael|We have always had good Christmas parties here, as you know, but they’ve never been cool. [imitating Sean Connery] The name is Bond… Santa Bond. I’ll have an eggnog, shaken, not stirred. Classic Brosnan. Santa… wonderful tradition. Everybody loves Santa. Everybody can’t get enough of the jolly old man. But that is a myth, because you know what, he is not necessarily a big fat guy with a beard. He’s not necessarily an old guy. No one knows what the real Santa Claus… God! Ow! [camera pans down to Angela pinning Michael’s pants]
Angela|Just stop moving your calves so much while you’re talking.
Michael|Well, this year’s gonna be different. We’re gonna have fun. It’s not gonna be tacky. It’s going to be, you know what, the food is going to be austere. It is not going to be tacky, deli platter food. It’s not gonna have a big, fat, gross Santa Claus. It’s gonna be cool, sleek Santa.
Angela|Maybe I’ll bring my boyfriend. I’ll invite him.
Michael|Okay. Sure.
Angela|I mean, unless there’s any chance there could be press at this party.
Michael|You never know about the press.
Angela|Well, I only ask because he’s a senator.
Michael|Could he help us with some parking tickets?
Angela|I don’t think that’s appropriate.
Michael|Well, then he’s not a senator.
Angela|Yes, he is.
Michael|Okay.
-
Jim|Hey.
Pam|Hey.
Jim|We still doing the gifts today? [Pam nods] I mean, it is the Christmas party. Well, the classy Christmas party.
Pam|Yes. But don’t get too excited, ’cause I didn’t have a lot of time this year.
Jim|Me neither. Whew.
Pam|Okay.
-
Pam|I’ve been working forever on Jim’s present. He always gives me the best Christmas gifts. He’ll take a memory or a private joke, and he’ll create something totally unique. I love them. So this year I made him something. A comic book. It stars Jimmy Halpert, a mild-mannered paper Salesman who, while riding his bike through the forest, is bitten by a radioactive bear, becomes ‘bear man’. Wreaks havoc on the office. It’s really good.
-
Jim|[A note is on Jim’s computer that says, “It is time. Parking lot at noon.” Jim nods and hands it to Dwight who burns it.]
-
Michael|Okay… [sighs] Oh, no, no, no, no! Fake tree. No, no!
Pam|No, it has the little…
Michael|Pam, no, no. Holly’s coming from New Hampshire. Somebody from New Hampshire looks at that and thinks it’s a burning cross. No, no. I want you to go and get a real tree. Take some money. Thank you.
Bass Player|Hi, I’m looking for Michael Scott.
Michael|Yes, that’s me. Come on it.
-
Michael|[scats awkwardly] There’s nothing classier than boring Jazz music. I am here to tell ya. And I made a bit of a judgment call. I hired one musician, because I thought, what’s better, to hire an entire quartet for half an hour, or one bassist for the entire day?
-
Pam|Hey, uh, any volunteers to come with me to go buy a Christmas tree?
Kevin|I would, but I don’t want to get dirty. There might be girls at the party.
Pam|Why do you always think that girls are gonna be at the party? No one invited girls. It’s just us.
Andy|I will help. Although my ‘brid’, my hybrid, my Prius hybrid, won’t fit a tree. Which is ironic, considering how many trees it saves on a daily basis.
Kevin|Yeah.
Andy|I do, however, have a hookup with a dude who has a pickup.
Pam|Oh, do you mean Darryl? That’s a great idea. I’ll ask him.
Andy|You know Darryl?
Pam|Yeah. He works here. We all know him.
Andy|I should come along, just ’cause he’s my, you know, he’s my hookup.
Pam|Cool.
Darryl|Come on, now, Justine, look… Listen, look, I’ve been planning this, okay? You cannot do this, Justine.
Justine|[on the phone] I’m not doing it! She told me she wants to have Christmas here.
Darryl|She did?
Justine|Yes. She wants to be around family for Christmas.
-
Darryl|I don’t know… I thought I was enough family for my daughter.
-
Darryl|[Pam knocks on Darryl’s door] Don’t come in, I’m busy. [Pam opens the door]
Andy|It’s cool, Darryl, I’m here too.
Pam|Hey, sorry, I really didn’t want to come in. It’s just that we have to go buy a new Christmas tree, and we’re hoping we could borrow your truck.
Darryl|Uh, no.
Andy|Come on, it’ll be fun. We could do doughnuts in the snow on the way back.
Darryl|No. Thank you for your interest in my truck.
Pam|Okay. Sorry. We’ll uh, we’ll leave you alone.
Darryl|Hey… [sighs] You know what, I could use a breath of fresh air. Let’s do it.
-
Michael|When Holly gets here, I want you to be very helpful to her.
Erin|I’ve looked her up online… there’s nothing about her. She’s made no impression on the internet.
Michael|She doesn’t need an internet presence, you just know.
Erin|Oh…
Toby|Hey.
Michael|What the hell are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in the courthouse.
Toby|Uh, we’re on recess. I came for the party. Hey, everyone.
Kevin|Hi, Toby.
-
Meredith|What does the strangler look like? Is he gorgeous? He looks gorgeous in the drawings.
Kevin|Yeah.
Meredith|That scowl.
Toby|I can’t talk about it or I’ll get removed from the jury.
Michael|And then he will come back here and replace Holly, so stop asking him questions.
-
Toby|I know people are only this excited to talk to me because of the trial. But, they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say. And then one day, we’re just talking.
-
Jim|[standing outside, dials Dwight’s cell phone]
Dwight|[voicemail recording] You’ve reached the voice mail of Dwight Kurt Schrute. Please leave… [Jim hangs up and turns for the door. It is pad locked. Jim turns as Dwight springs from a nearby snowman and pelts him with snowballs.]
Dwight|Ahhhhhhh!!!! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Jim|Stop! Stop!
Dwight|Ahh!
Jim|Oh… oh!
Dwight|[grunting, shouting]
-
Dwight|I have no feeling in my fingers or penis. But I think it was worth it.
-
Dwight|[dumps the remainder of the snow in his bag on Jim, then rests his foot on Jim and raises his arms in the air] Haahh!! [runs off]
-
Jim|Um, I was laying on the ground, defenseless, and uh, he just kept throwing ’em until he exhausted himself. And, uh, [cell phone chimes] then… [reading text message] “How ’bout icing it? lol. Dwight.”
-
Holly|Hi.
Erin|Hello.
Holly|Is there any way I can get a hand with these, please?
Erin|I’m really sorry, I can’t help you. I’m waiting for my boss’ pretty friend to arrive.
Michael|There she is. Hey. Erin, would you help her, for God’s sake?
Erin|Oh, you’re Holly! Of course. Sorry.
Michael|Hello.
Holly|[weak Clint Eastwood accent] Well, well, well, if it isn’t Michael Scott. You old bastard.
Michael|[imitating her accent] Well, I never thought I’d see your face around these parts, you old bastard.
Holly|Well I did show my face around these parts, you old bastard.
Michael|[as Curly] Why, you’re some sorta wise guy, huh?
Holly|[as Curly] I most certainly am.
Michael|Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
Holly|Unnnnnnngh!
Michael|[as Homer] D’oh!
Holly|[as Marge] Oh, Homey. [they both laugh]
Jim|Okay… Holly’s back.
Michael|Hi. Hi. Oh… [they hug]
Holly|[in monster voice] Oh, huggy monster!
Michael|Oh no, not the huggy monster! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die! I don’t wanna die! [both sigh] Wow. Well, everybody, you remember Holly.
Holly|Hi.
Kevin|Did you bring us anything from Nashua?
Holly|Oh, yeah. I brought um, some maple candy. But I have to admit, I got a little hungry on the drive, and I ate some of them.
Michael|That’s adorable.
Holly|Would you put those out?
Erin|To throw out? Or put out, like, six pieces for everyone?
Holly|Oh, it’s so nice to be back. It looks beautiful in here. Super classy. It’s like a party for limousine drivers.
Michael|Well, you came on the day of our Christmas party.
Holly|Oh, it’s fabulous. I love what you did.
Michael|Isn’t it wonderful? We love it here. Don’t you love it? All right, let me show you to your desk. [in a stereotyped Mexican accent] I show you to your desk.
Holly|[in the same accent] Watch out for my guns they’re both loaded. [makes gun noises]
Michael|What kind of guns do you have? Six-shooter?
Jim|Aww…
Holly|It’s a pea shoot…
-
Michael|This is weird. I can’t believe you’re here. This feels like you never left. Doesn’t it?
Holly|Yeah, kind of.
Michael|Oh…
Holly|Oh…
Michael|Oh, and you have a Woody. Bah! [the both chuckle] Oh, I love toy…
Holly|AJ gave me that.
Michael|Well, that’s understandable. Still raw. Woody your favorite character?
Holly|Mmhmm.
Michael|You know who my favorite character in Toy Story is? Andy’s mom.
Holly|Why?
Michael|Because without Andy’s mom, there’s no plot. And without any plot, there is no movie.
Holly|That is a really good point. AJ said he hadn’t seen any of the Toy Story movies.
Michael|You’re kidding me. Ahh!
Holly|No. I know. I was like, “What? Are you serious?”
Michael|What a douche bag!
Holly|Get a life!
Michael|Get a… yeah! Good riddance.
Holly|We sat down and we watched them all in one day.
Michael|Mmhmm.
Holly|Now he’s the biggest Toy Story fanatic ever.
Michael|Good for him.
Holly|Next day I found him in my bed.
Michael|Really? That’s creepy. How did AJ get in your house?
Holly|We live together.
Michael|Oh, you do?
Holly|He had a little note pinned to him that said, “You’ve got a friend in me.”
Michael|[fighting back tears] Yeah, Randy Newman’s the best.
Holly|Yeah. I love him.
Michael|Me too.
-
Andy|[singing] Christmas tree, Christmas tree. Won’t you be my Christmas tree.
Pam|Hey, how about this one?
Andy|Ehh, seems a little full of itself, right? Kind of a pretty boy? What if we got a really beat up one, like on Charlie Brown. And we just loved it for what it is?
Pam|Maybe. I mean…
Darryl|[on the phone] I just, no, she be talking to your mom or something. This is my daughter too, Justine! You seem to think, [Justine hangs up] oh… pick a damn tree already.
Pam|Um, hey, Darryl, listen, it’s none of my business, but if I couldn’t have Cece for Christmas, I’d be really upset too.
Andy|I don’t have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I’m going to kill myself.
Darryl|Jada don’t want to spend Christmas with me. She told her mom it wasn’t as much fun. And how could she say that? You know, I took her to the toy store to buy her own presents.
Pam|Well Darryl, no kid wants to buy their own Christmas presents.
Darryl|Her mom wants me to take her to mass. I guess that’s something to do.
Pam|No, you should have her mom do the boring Christmas stuff on her time. You should be associated with the fun parts of Christmas.
Darryl|How do I do that?
Pam|Bring her to the party. Yeah, we’ll have Santa, and we’ll play games with her. It’ll be a lot of fun.
Andy|Yes.
Pam|You’ll be Mr. Christmas by the end of the night.
-
Pam|Hey guys, the tree’s here.
Michael|Hey.
Andy|Nobody hug me, I’m covered in tree sap, so…
Oscar|Why would someone hug you?
Michael|Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I’m Santa Claus. Welcome.
Darryl|Are you serious?
Michael|It’s a sophisticated take.
Jada|He doesn’t look like Santa Claus.
Darryl|No, he doesn’t. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here.
Michael|Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled.
Pam|Who told you that?
Michael|Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made.
-
Phyllis|So is it an open relationship?
Holly|Oh, God, no.
Kelly|Well, you’re almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids?
Holly|Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together.
Kelly|So where’s the ring?
Pam|Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move?
Phyllis|Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb.
Pam|You guys, I don’t think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life.
Erin|Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly’s not in any position to be shooing guys away.
-
Erin|I don’t get it! I’m sorry. I just, I don’t get it!
-
Holly|Okay, listen, I’m gonna tell him that if he doesn’t propose by the end of this year, we’re over.
Pam|Wow, an ultimatum.
Holly|Yeah.
Pam|It doesn’t really seem like you.
Kelly|That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.
-
Dwight|[turns in Pam’s chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally]
Jim|Don’t. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop!
Dwight|Oh, no. Oh, no!
Jim|Stop!
Dwight|Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath!
Jim|Okay. Okay. Okay.
Dwight|Huh? You like that?
Jim|Seriously!
Dwight|Huh?
Jim|Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally]
-
Dwight|Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone.
-
Jim|I just want it to stop.
-
Pam|So, cool right?
Ryan|There’s no connection between the origin story and the quest.
Pam|Okay.
Ryan|We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it’s the bear’s quest.
Pam|Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right?
Ryan|Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is?
Pam|I mean, help, if it’s something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or…
Ryan|Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It’s also a little derivative of a serias called ‘Bear Man’. Did you look that up?
Pam|No.
Ryan|Okay.
-
Toby|Oh, Jim. Hey.
Jim|Hey, Toby.
Toby|There’s this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse…
Jim|No way.
Toby|Who looks exactly like you.
Jim|That’s increadible.
Toby|Yeah. No, it’s uncanny.
Jim|You know what’s crazy?
Toby|What?
Jim|I can’t reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat]
-
Michael|I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don’t. And that’s just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly’s Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it]
-
Angela|It’s so cold. Even with my coat on.
Meredith|Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car… for screwing Americans.
Gabe|Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy.
-
Holly|You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt.
Michael|What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic.
Dwight|I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress.
Jim|What are you talking about? You’re the one terrorizing me.
Dwight|With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing.
Holly|Dwight’s right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I’m really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends.
Michael|All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxi cab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City.
Dwight|Wait, what girlfriend?
Michael|I haven’t told you about her.
Dwight|I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit.
Michael|I’m a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that’s pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, “Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.”
Holly|I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.
Michael|I do. She is.
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Michael|Did you see her face? Well it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain’t Tara.
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Phyllis|So you went homemade this year.
Pam|Yup.
Phyllis|Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don’t think we can help you out.
Pam|No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion.
Phyllis|Are you good at homemade?
Pam|Look at this.
Phyllis|Yeah…
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Holly|[walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It’s obvious to me I’m not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I’m leaving.
Phyllis|Well, I don’t think Erin seems to like you.
Erin|That’s not true. I don’t know her enough to make a decision even.
Michael|What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby’s very jealous of all the attention you’ve been getting.
Toby|No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do.
Michael|Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn’t that nice? Thank you very much.
Kevin|Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren’t looking. You don’t think… it’s not possible… that Woody did this to himself.
Michael|It is Christmas.
Angela|No, it really seems like something Michael would do.
Michael|Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed.
Andy|Why would anyone frame you for that?
Jim|Okay, I’m sorry, why are we discounting this whole “Woody came to life” thing so quickly?
Michael|Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh?
Holly|You think this is funny?
Michael|[laughs] I don’t. But someday I think we will laugh about this… when we tell our kids…
Jim|Yikes. [everyone gasps]
Kevin|Oh no, that’s, that’s not happening.
Dwight|Dear God in heaven.
Michael|All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn’t mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings.
Holly|Michael, you have to let this go. I’m with someone else. I don’t feel that way anymore.
Michael|Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That’s what Jim and Dwight thought.
Dwight|Okay, hey, hey, hey…
Jim|No, fake girlfriends are always wrong.
Holly|You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I’d get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you?
Michael|When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, “Michael, I love you, but I can’t do this.” But then, with this other guy, you don’t have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me.
Holly|Michael, I’m sorry.
Michael|And we did this whole stupid party for you.
Erin|[blocks Holly’s path] No.
Holly|You guys, it wasn’t my fault.
Kevin|Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!
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Erin|I really think you’re better off.
Michael|Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please?
Erin|Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something?
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Jim|[walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] “Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.” [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight!
Dwight|Didn’t think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all.
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Stanley|So do they bring in food, or do you get to go out?
Toby|No, they bring it in.
Stanley|You lucky son of a bitch.
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Stanley|I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for… that is the life.
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Jada|Daddy, I’m bored. Can I read my book in your office?
Darryl|Sure, sweetie.
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Pam|Jada, Darryl, I’m so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him?
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Pam|Oh, my goodness.
Andy|I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges.
Darryl|Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch!
Jada|What kind of challenges.
Andy|Wahhh…
Pam|Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch?
Andy|No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number?
Jada|I don’t know.
Andy|Do you know the other state?
Darryl|Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he’ll tell us if we’re hot or cold.
Andy|The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she’s burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada’s ear]
Darryl|And the game’s over seconds later.
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Angela|I’m so glad you could come.
Robert|It’s nice. I know.
Angela|Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton.
Robert|Hi.
Oscar|Senator, it’s an honor. I’m Angela’s friend Oscar.
Robert|Oscar. A pleasure.
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Oscar|Robert seems great. He’s very handsome, firm handshake, he’s gay, good sense of humor.
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AJ|Hi.
Erin|Hello.
AJ|I’m, uh, I’m AJ. I’m here to see Holly. It’s kind of a surprise.
Erin|I know who you are, and I think you should go.
Kevin|I bet you didn’t even bring us anything, did you?
AJ|Was I supposed to bring you guys something?
Holly|What? AJ!
AJ|Surprise.
Holly|What are you doing here? Oh, my God.
AJ|I wanted to see you. How are you?
Holly|Wow! Nice.
AJ|Oh, God, you look great.
Holly|Oh… when did you get here?
AJ|Just now.
Michael|Hey
AJ|Just now. Hey, Michael.
Michael|Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome.
AJ|Pleased to see you. Thank you.
Michael|Good trip down?
AJ|Yeah, it was great.
Michael|Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay.
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Michael|I am dead inside.
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Darryl|What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies…
Jada|You have a whole room of vending machines?
Creed|[chuckles] I know. Isn’t it something?
Jada|I can’t decide what I want.
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Darrly|[handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas.
Jada|Merry Christmas.
Pam|Thank you.
Jada|And Merry Christmas.
Meredith|Thank you.
Jada|And Merry Christ… mas.
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Robert|Thank you so much.
Jada|Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas.
Oscar|Merry Christmas to you.
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Jada|Merry Christmas.
Bass Player|Oh, thank you.
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Kevin|[Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet!
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Ryan|[holding a knitted iPad case] It’s amazing. It’s so great. Thank you.
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Creed|[Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me?
Angela|Yes.
Creed|Thank you very much.
Angela|Mmhmm.
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Angela|I don’t know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation.
Kevin|Wow, that’s awesome!
Oscar|A real David and Goliath story.
Robert|I’m just so touched that she’s so interested in my work.
Angela|I am.
Meredith|The real problem is the teachers’ union.
Angela|Zip it, Meredith.
Meredith|No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can’t read.
Ryan|Hey, who’s in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender?
Angela|You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans]
Oscar|I’ll make it. What are you drinking.
Ryan|An ‘F’ train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters.
Oscar|I don’t know how to make that.
Ryan|Okay, well, I’ll just stick with my mojito.
Angela|And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he’s helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they’ve really become a pest.
Meredith|Annoying.
Angela|Yes.
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Pam|[Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don’t think he’s in the ceiling, babe.
Jim|Well, uh… I don’t think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present]
Pam|Is it… is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it]
Jim|Ooh, go easy with the shaking.
Pam|[lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God.
Jim|You like it?
Pam|I love it.
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Jim|Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn’t make that.
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Jim|Alright, my turn.
Pam|Oh, um, it’s just, I didn’t, I didn’t have a lot of time, so that’s just a place holder.
Jim|Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] “The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.” Oh, my God. This is awesome! That’s my bike. That’s my desk. And that is my daughter.
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Jim|I mean… [speechless]
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Pam|Michael, wait!
Michael|Oh, hey, hey, no, don’t run. You’re gonna slip.
Pam|That’s good advice.
Michael|Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died.
Pam|That’s a sad story.
Michael|[voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married.
Pam|Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything’s gonna be okay.
Michael|No, it’s not. It’s not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay.
Pam|I shouldn’t tell you this, but… AJ won’t commit to Holly. And she’s gonna tell him that if he doesn’t propose to her by the end of the year, it’s over.
Michael|Really?
Pam|Really. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you?
Michael|No.
Pam|So just be patient.
Michael|Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don’t want you to fall.
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Jim|I surrender.
Dwight|I do not accept your surrender. There’s only one way that I would ever relent.
Jim|Anything. You got it.
Dwight|You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch.
Jim|You’re a psychopath.
Dwight|I’ll take that as a no.
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Michael|I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it.
Kelly|Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You’re re-gifting this to me.
Michael|No, that’s not… no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you.
Kelly|Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt.
Michael|[hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That…
Kelly|This is a fast food receipt from April.
Michael|Well, that…
Kelly|God, how many number nines did you order?
AJ|Is everyone here kind of mean?
Holly|Oh, I think everyone’s on edge because of the strangler trial.
AJ|Oh.
Holly|Hey, I’m so glad you came down. It’s been so much harder than I expected.
AJ|Hey, what happened to Woody?
Holly|Oh, okay, get ready for this. You’re not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him.
AJ|He smells awful.
Holly|It was blue cheese dressing.
AJ|Great.
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Darryl|Hey, Mike.
Michael|Hey.
Darryl|We wanted to give you something.
Michael|Oh.
Jada|Merry Christmas.
Michael|Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much.
Darryl|What do you say?
Jada|You’re welcome.
Michael|Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn’t he say that?
Jada|Yeah.
Michael|I think I know where he is.
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Jada|A trampoline…
Michael|Mmhmm.
Jada|Video games.
Michael|Video games.
Jada|A DSi.
Michael|A DSi?
Jada|A horse.
Michael|A horse.
Jada|A pool.
Michael|You, are you sure you don’t want a pony? You want a real horse?
Jada|Yes.
Michael|All right. You have to pick up after them.
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Pam|Hey, sorry. I’m ready.
Jim|I don’t want to go.
Pam|Oh… come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker]
Jim|Have you ever seen ’em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen]
Pam|I’m sorry. I had no idea.
Jim|No, it’s, it’s okay. Okay.
Pam|Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.
Jim|Okay. This is it.
Pam|What?
Jim|Go! Go! Go!
Pam|What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Honey? Jim? Jim!
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Dwight|In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.
