Michael|The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. “Mental” is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you’re mental, if you don’t have a good time. You have to enjoy it.
Toby|Well the “fun” is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]
Michael|Get out.
Toby|[halfway out] Yeah, I know.
Michael|Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake.  But you can’t just go right to the selling, you need “small talk.”  What topics can you use for small talk?
Andy|Golf.
Michael|Mmhm.
Andy|Stock market.
Michael|Mmhm.
Andy|Dave Matthews.
Michael|Yes, what else?
Creed|Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes…
Michael|No.
Meredith|The weekend!
Michael|Yeah! That’s good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let’s do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, “So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?”
Meredith|Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet.
Michael|All right…
Meredith|He calls it an upper decker.
Michael|Okay, okay. God. What you people don’t know about business, I could fill a book with.
Ryan|Then do it.
Michael|What?
Ryan|Write a book.
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Michael|[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I’m not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman…
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Erin|[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He’s the person you should talk to.
Michael|Oh hi. I’m sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you’re supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?
Erin|In your schedule it just says nine til noon is “creative space” and I thought this could be part of that.
Michael|Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon.
Erin|You don’t have anything in the afternoon. It just says “free play.”
Michael|Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You’re seeing how the sausage gets made.
Grotti|Ah.
Michael|Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage.
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Grotti|As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride.
Michael|Mmhm.
Grotti|But you also got a lot of responsibility
Michael|Yep.
Grotti|None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss.
Michael|Okay.
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Michael|There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player.
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Kevin|Jim’s gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks.
-
Andy|What do you think?
Dwight|I think you’re right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags.
Grotti|God forbid you…  should have a fire in the warehouse.
Michael|Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up.
Grotti|Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there’s injury.
Michael|Mmhm, I hear you. The truck.
Grotti|You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott.
Michael|Okay, well.
Grotti|I can be very very persistent.
Michael|Do your worst. [they shake hands]
Michael|[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great.
Grotti|Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?
Michael|Mmhm.
-
Andy|What happened in there?
Michael|Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman.
Dwight|Did he threaten you?
Michael|No Dwight, not everything is a threat.
Andy|Mobsters are!
Michael|There is no such things as monsters.
Andy|He drives an SUV!
Dwight|I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space.
Oscar|Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I’m in the mob?
Dwight|No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster.
Michael|Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance.
Andy|All mobsters have a front, sometimes it’s selling insurance, sometimes it’s waste management or sanitation.
Oscar|For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia.
Michael|I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance.
Andy|Yeah, buy my insurance or I’ll burn your warehouse down!
Dwight|Exactly.
Michael|He did talk about a fire in the warehouse…  and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer.
Oscar|Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]
-
Oscar|Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there’s not the usual balance between “sane and others.” Toby has mentally checked out since June. It’s a very dangerous time. The “coalition for reason” is extremely weak.
-
Toby|Oscar says I checked out huh?  Huh. [nods head]
-
Michael|[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down.  Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?
Ryan|Well first of all, there is no such thing as ‘The Mafia.’
Michael|Okay.
Ryan|What you have are specific families. What’s the guy’s last name?
Michael|Um it is, Grotti.
Andy and Dwight|[groans] Oh no. Fabulous.
Oscar|What? What?
Andy|It’s John Gotti, you idiot!
Oscar|It’s, it’s a completely different name!
Phyllis|So he won’t get caught!
Andy|Yeah. It’s pretty close.
Oscar|No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it.
Dwight|No I disagree. “R” is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it “murder.” And not “muck-duck.”
Michael|Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight|Lock your door!
Michael|I’m not gonna lock my door.  [door closes. Then clicks locked]
-
Jim|Hello?
Oscar|Jim? It’s Oscar. I’m so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim|Oscar! Uh, what is going on?
Oscar|It’s Michael, he thinks he’s being shaken down by the mob. I don’t know how you usually handle this.
Jim|Look, We’re in Puerto Rico, so-
Pam|Hey Oscar.  It’s Pam. Hey. We’re on our honeymoon.
Oscar|Pam, I’m sorry–
Pam|Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar|You’re right. You’re right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye.
-
Michael|It’s Grotti. He’s following up.
Andy|Already? This, this guy is persistent!
Michael|[reads email] “I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.”
Dwight|That’s bad.
Michael|Yeah.
Dwight|That’s bad.
Michael|Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?
Andy|Yeah right! You heard him! He’s gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road.
Michael|Okay, I’m calling the police.
Andy|[hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!
Dwight|He’s right. Cops can’t do anything until a crime has been reported.
Michael|All right.
Andy|Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!
Michael|Shh!
Dwight|You know what?
Michael|That’s not gonna happen.
Dwight|That’s an exaggeration.
Andy|That’s how it works!
Michael|What am I supposed to do here?
Andy|When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back
Michael|I was thinking exactly the same thing.
Dwight|No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give ’em a taste of cat food pretty soon they’ll be back for the whole cat.
Andy|Dwight…
Dwight|The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people.
Michael|I don’t know, I don’t know about that.
Andy|Wait let’s hear him out, this is interesting.
Dwight|Here’s what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can’t be openly violent.
Andy|Okay.
Dwight|Let him know you’re not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you’re stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous.
Andy|[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I’d like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael|Hold on, hold on! Just-
Andy|No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way.
Michael|All right. I will meet with him, but I’m not going alone.
Andy|Well you’re gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight:
-
Michael|[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who’s Pat?
Andy|Well if I’m gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I’m a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight|Do you know how to use it?
Andy|To change tires, no. But it’s metal, I can hit somebody with it.
Michael|Let’s go, come on. [whispers] God!
Andy|Should I change?
Dwight|You’re wearing loafers!
Michael|Forget it! Forget it!
-
Michael|[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!
Andy|Well then I can’t use it. I’m just gonna hide it.
Dwight|Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel.
Andy|Oh! God! [smacks roaches]
Michael|Oh my God!
Dwight|You’ll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-
Michael|Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is.
-
Michael|Hello.
Grotti|Mr. Scott.
Michael|Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates.
Grotti|Hi. Angelo Grotti.
Andy|Hi.
Dwight|Hello.
Grotti|So, you got this table?
Michael|Yes.
Grotti|This is one of those half booths, can’t-decide-what-it-is type of thing.
Michael|Well.
Grotti|Waitress, we’re gonna sit over here.
Waitress|That’s fine.
Michael|Okay.
-
Kevin|[answers phone] Hello.
Credit card rep|Hello Mr. Halpert. I’m calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We’ve detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin|Oh man, do you think it was stolen?
Rep|First would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin|Um, yes. [looks at Jim’s pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA
Rep|And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?
Kevin|Six-six-five-zero.
Rep|Well Mr. Halpert. You’re obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin|Wait a minute. Yes I am.
Rep|I’m going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin|No. That…  I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Rep|Very funny sir. We’ll get a new card out to you right away.
Kevin|No-
Rep|Have a nice day, and thank you!
Kevin|Shoot.
-
Grotti|If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy.
Dwight|Oh he’s not that nice.
Michael|That’s not true.
Andy|Hmm. Very true.
Michael|Okay shut up.
Waitress|Have you decided?
Grotti|Yeah, I’ll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back.
Waitress|Okay then. And for you sir?
Michael|I will have the gabba-gool.
Waitress|The… what?
Michael|The gabba-gool.
Waitress|I don’t really know what that is.
Andy|[with Soprano’s inflection] You know, gabba-gool.
Michael|I don’t, I don’t have to have that.
Dwight|What he’s trying to say is, Gabba. Gool.
Michael|Guys, guys-
Waitress|I don’t really think that we have that.
Michael|That’s okay.
Dwight|Bring him the gabba-gool!
Michael|Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad.
Waitress|Okay.
Michael|If the salad is on top, I send it back.
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Oscar|Why would you cancel Jim’s credit cards?
Kevin|I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar|This constitutes identity fraud.
Kevin|Oh God. I wouldn’t last in jail Oscar. I’m not like you.
Oscar|What’s that supposed to mean?
Kevin|Oh you don’t know about jail?  Oh you would love jail.
Oscar|Why would I love jail?
Kevin|Because… You would love it.
-
Michael|I don’t think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Grotti|Look closely Michael. I feel there’s a plan here for you.
Andy|Maybe we have a plan for you?
Grotti|How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can’t happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it.
Woman|[approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy|Yeeeeah.
Woman|My battery is dead, I’ve got my kid, can you please help?
Andy|Yes I can.
Michael|No, no no, no. Come on. I’m sorry, we’re having our salad.
Grotti|Come on! Lady in distress?  Go! Go!
Andy|Okay!
Woman|Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
Michael|Hey, do you need any help?
Grotti|I’m sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down.
Michael|He’s a good mechanic.
Grotti|Where were we?
Michael|I don’t…
Dwight|He was trying to force you to decide on a policy.
Michael|Okay, okay okay.
Dwight|So we’re choosing…
Michael|Yep, all right.
Dwight|Check out Dental?
Michael|Put it down.
-
Andy|Black goes on the red. With the… If we… Positive… Mo- it being a motor drive, it’s probably down.
Kid|He seems bad at this.
Andy|You want to do this junior? I didn’t think so. Sorry. It’s kind of a long day at the… mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah!  You got a leaky spark tube.
Woman|What?!?
Andy|So your car’s totaled. Uh, you’re just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He’s great. But uh, I can’t do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]
-
Grotti|Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I’ll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly]  You okay, Pat?
Andy|Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn’t give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that’s what I’m afraid of.
Grotti|Aren’t you a mechanic? Why wouldn’t you put oil in the car?
Andy|It was before, my tech- my technical training.
Dwight|Don’t do it!
Andy|Do it.
Dwight|Don’t.
Andy|Just do it.
Michael|Okay.
Grotti|Look Mike, I don’t know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?
Dwight|Yes.
Michael|Okay.
-
Dwight|I don’t understand, why would you buy a policy?
Michael|It’s just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour.
Andy|You were man enough to back down Michael, I’m proud of you.
Michael|I had to make a snap decision Dwight.
Dwight|It wasn’t a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour.
Michael|It was a lot of snap decisions.
Dwight|Do you know what “snap decision” means?
Michael|Yes!
Dwight|It means like this. [snaps fingers]
Michael|Just get in the car.
-
Jim|Hello?
Michael|Jim?
Jim|Michael?
Michael|Oh thank God.
Jim|How did you get this number? Michael, we’re on a catamaran.
Michael|It wasn’t easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I’m in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim|That sounds bad.
Michael|Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I’m turning to you my friend.
Jim|I’m gonna help you through it all right?
Michael|Okay!
Jim|All you’re gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and-  it- and then go to–
Michael|Jim? Are you?
Jim|And then you’ll be saved.
Michael|What? Wait, I didn’t hear a thing you just said.
Jim|Just [drops] and then you’ll be saved.
Michael|No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!
Jim|A- ah–
Michael|No!  Oh my God!
Jim|And you’ll be saved.
Michael|No, Jim please, repeat what you’re saying! I can’t understand you!
Jim|I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An-  M-  please don’t call again.
Michael|Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God.
-
Michael|Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can’t afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?
Oscar|Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it.
Michael|Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?
Oscar|Just- no.  No.
Michael|All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks.
-
Dwight|We have let Michael down, and it’s 85 percent your fault.
Andy|He’s alive.  So you’re welcome.
Dwight|Not on the inside he’s not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job.
Andy|Yeah, some of that existed before.
Dwight|Not the living in fear, that’s new.
Andy|You’re right, that is new.
Dwight|Yes. He’s got to stand up to this mafia guy.
Andy|Well I don’t see that happening.
Dwight|Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?
Andy|Are you saying-
Dwight|Yeah…
Andy|That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael’s brain?
Dwight|What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy’s not mafia!
Andy|That seems a little far-fetched.
Dwight|Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown?  And that happened.
-
Dwight|Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean.
Michael|No. He’s not. He’s just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don’t understand how this works.
Andy|No, Michael. What we’re trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who’s a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy.  His background is perfectly clean.
Dwight|It’s true, he’s clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn’t on the take. Turns out he’s a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really.
Andy|Class act. Boy scout.
Michael|But Grotti acts like he’s mafia though.
Andy|He’s trying to intimidate you to close sales. He’s just a pushy salesman.
Dwight|And he made us all look like chumps!
Michael|[grunts]
-
Michael|If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden.
-
Grotti|This is Grotti.
Michael|This is Scott.
Grotti|Oh! Great. Michael, I’m finishing up your paperwork right now.
Michael|Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?
Grotti|I, I thought you’d be pleased.
Michael|Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I’m actually kind of PO’d.
Grotti|What?
Michael|I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance.
Grotti|I don’t get it. How was I scaring you?
Michael|I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk.
Andy|Whoa. Okay.
Michael|You suck!
Dwight|Okay that’s-
Michael|And I’m not gonna buy your stupid insurance.
Dwight|That’s good, let’s wrap it up.
Michael|How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?
Grotti|Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don’t you give me a call?
Michael|Doubt it. [disconnects call]
Dwight and Andy|[relaxing] Oh man.
Michael|What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?
Andy|Next time you look in the mirror, you’re gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!
Michael|No. What do you mean?
Dwight|We just told you he wasn’t mafia, so you wouldn’t be scared.
Michael|What?
Dwight|You successfully backed down the mob!
Andy|You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!
Michael|Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I’m not.
-
Michael|So I looked him in the eye and I said, “Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they’re already dead.” I said something like that.
Dwight|Very close.
Oscar|Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg.
Michael|Erin?
Erin|Yes?
Michael|Coffee?
Erin|Okay.
Michael|Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it’s not Stop and Shop, I send it back.
Erin|Okay.
Michael|Large. If it’s a medium I send it back. If it’s an extra large I send it back.
Erin|How do you return coffee?
Michael|Go.  Any questions?
-
Pam|[on phone] Are you kidding me?
Kevin|Hi Pam, is Jim there?
Pam|Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can’t handle the fact that you’re calling us here!
Kevin|Okay, that sounds good. Um, I’ll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi.
Pam|Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority.
Kevin|Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye.
-
Kevin|They have no idea what happened.
