Kelly|Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement.
Erin|Oh my gosh!
Phyllis|Wow.
Kelly|Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground]
Meredith|Sweet! Free Ring!
Andy|Divorced?
Ryan|Just so you know, it’s totally amicable. We’re fine. We don’t need people here to take sides.
Kelly|The last thing that we want is any kind of drama.
Pam|Wait. Can you back up? What’s the story?
Kelly|We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot.
Ryan|It’s not irrelevant. Details
Kelly|And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said…
Ryan and Kelly|I don’t think I should be married to you anymore.
Kevin|What?
Andy|Sorry, when did you get married?
Kelly|Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right.
Andy|And you didn’t invite any of us?
Ryan|We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly|God baby, you know, people’s reactions to this… maybe we made a mistake.
Ryan|No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don’t want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar|You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we’re ok with it. We agree it’s fine if you got married.
Ryan|No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can!
Kelly|Ryan, I changed my mind.
Ryan|Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn’t amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side?
Kelly|And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand]
-
Jim|All right. Bye.
Pam|Bye.
Jim|Let’s Go!
Michael|Just a minute. How long do we have to wait?
Holly|For what?
Michael|You broke up with AJ weeks ago.
Holly|Don’t you have a sales call to go on?
Michael|I don’t understand. I really don’t. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now?
Holly|We don’t know that.
Michael|Sure we do.
Holly|Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together?
Michael|Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.
Holly|Michael, I can’t keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I’m working with. Well, you can understand that.
Michael|Yeah, I understand. I just don’t agree.
Holly|Well you don’t have to agree.
Michael|Yes I do.
Holly|No you don’t.
Michael|Yes I do.
Holly|No, you can have your own opinion.
Michael|I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you.
Jim|He’s going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with.
Pam|Aw you’ll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny “Jim” game.
Jim|That’s it? That’s all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today?
Pam|All right, what’d you do?
Jim|Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art.
Pam|Where’d you put it?
Jim|Where’d I put what?
Michael|Let’s go.
Jim|Oh, sorry gotta go.
Pam|Say it. Where?
Jim|Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you’re really getting warmer.
Pam|The fridge.
Jim|Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance.
Pam|The fridge, got it.
Jim|And the final clue…
Michael|Let’s go!
Jim|You know what, just think about it, you’ll be fine.
Pam|Bye.
-
Erin|Holly is ruining Michael’s life. He thinks she is so special. And she’s so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she’s a perfect 40. It’s nuts.
-
Jim|Cheer up. We made a sale.
Michael|Just drive faster. I want to get back.
Jim|Well, I’m going the speed limit. So…
Michael|Okay, fine. My feelings don’t matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit.
Jim|Someone’s in a bad mood.
Michael|No I’m not. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let’s just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim?
Jim|Alright, let me turn on some music.
Michael|I need to pee.
Jim|No you don’t.
Michael|Yeah, I do. My word against yours.
Jim|Alright. Well we’ll be there in ten minutes.
Michael|What part of “I need to pee” do you not understand? I’m upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car.
Jim|Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I’ll pull over.
Michael|Well I hope I make it.
-
Jim|Hello?
Helen|Hi Jim, it’s Helen.
Jim|Hey Helen. Is everything ok?
Helen|Everything is fine. Baby’s fine. She has a tiny fever. I’m taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about.
Jim|Ok…
Helen|A tiny thing. I locked her in the car.
Jim|What?
Helen|She’s smiling. She’s happy.
Jim|Oh my God.
Helen|Jim, I don’t have a spare key.
Jim|Just stay there. I’ll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He’s coming out but I have to go because it’s an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please?
Guy|[towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off]
-
Pam|This is Pam.
Jim|Hey it’s me. So uh, don’t worry. Everything’s ok.
Pam|What’s wrong?
Jim|Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You’re not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you?
Pam|Jim, what?
Jim|Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car.
Pam|Oh God! What?!
Jim|No no no it’s ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She’s laughing and she’s happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra.
Pam|Ok. She’s ok?
Jim|Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here’s the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet.
Pam|Understood.
Jim|And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me.
Pam|Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a “Ask Pam Beasley”. … Did the phone cut off?
Jim|Nope.
Pam|Alright, just call me after the doctor.
Jim|Ok. Bye.
Pam|Bye.
-
Michael|I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn’t here and I am worried that he has been abducted.
Attendant|No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away.
Michael|There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He’s my… Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please!
Attendant|Just make it quick.
Michael|Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don’t have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it?
Attendant|You don’t know it.
Michael|You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim’s number.
Attendant|He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away.
-
Michael|Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that’s enough. Ok.
-
Holly|It’s the gas station on Benet Street?
Pam|Yeah.
Holly|Ok.
Erin|You know what? Why don’t you stay and I’ll go?
Holly|Oh no no no. I’ll be fine.
Erin|It’s kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along.
Dwight|Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I’m going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat.
-
Pam|Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I’m not even kidding. They’re pretty good.
Oscar|Which on in particular?
Andy|Yeah, which one?
Pam|Well the first one has a surprise factor. “I’m a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!”
Andy|Boo-yea! [office laughs]
Gabe|No no. No no no.
Pam|But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line.
Oscar|You suppose?
Darryl|What’s it say?
Oscar|“I’m suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again.”
Gabe|Ok. [office laughs] No no no.
Kevin|Red gloves.
Darrly|Keep it real.
Pam|You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging.
Darryl|And I will take you all down.
Andy|You?
Darryl|I’ve been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason:
-
Dwight|Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type:
-
Michael|[at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don’t get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You’re so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That’s a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You’ll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I’m being serious. Seriously.
-
Pam|[on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dwight|Has Michael checked in?
Pam|Oh, hey Dwight.
Dwight|I asked you a question.
Pam|No, he hasn’t.
Dwight|Goodbye.
Pam|No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought…
Dwight|Pam, this isn’t a shopping trip.
Erin|No.
Dwight|This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission.
Pam|Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it’s convent, I just thought since you are out…
Dwight|Pam, I’m obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up.
Pam|Ok, well it wasn’t obvious so… [phone hangs up]
Dwight|No word from Michael.
Holly|Oh.
-
Pam|Ta-da!
Kevin|Ok, it’s two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island.
Oscar|Ok. I got one.
Pam|Yeah?
Oscar|Yes!
Gabe|Ok, I’m sorry but I am going to have to shut this down.
Office|Boo!
Meredith|Why?
Gabe|Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It’s either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed.
Darryl|Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game.
Gabe|Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for.
Oscar|Irony is such a critical…
Gabe|Number two:
-
Gabe|Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day.
-
Gabe|Go get ’em. Start quipin’.
Oscar|Pam, I think I’m going to send you an IM.
Pam|Oh! Ok.
Darryl|Send me one too.
Andy|Yeah, yeah. Put me on that.
Phyllis|C.C
Kevin|Ditto.
-
Michael|Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don’t have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog.
Hot Dog Guy|I’m not a pawn shop.
Michael|Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch.
Hot Dog Guy|Wow.
Michael|With that I can buy… half the menu.
Hot Dog Guy|I can’t just go giving away hot dogs.
Michael|All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don’t sell?
Hot Dog Guy|Throw ’em away.
Michael|Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don’t you just throw one away now into my mouth?
Hot Dog Guy|No.
Michael|Okay. You’ve just lost my business.
-
Dwight|Hey.
Erin|Hey, you were in there forever.
Dwight|There’s too many brands. Where’s Holly?
Erin|She wandered off like an idiot.
Dwight|Hey!
Holly|Hey.
Dwight|What are you doing?
Holly|Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go.  I’ll take my free stress ball too now.
Cell Phone Sales Person|Sure thing. Here you go, Miss… Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original.
Holly|What?
Cell Phone Sales Person|You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me.
Dwight|Tootenbacher.
Erin|Orville Tootenbacher. That’s Michael’s millionaire character that…
Dwight and Erin|farts popcorn.
Dwight|Of course. He was here. She’s the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly?
Holly|Are their egg rolls really that big?
-
Michael|Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it?
Waiter|No problem.
Michael|Okay. I’ll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can’t do that to you fine people.
Waiter|So you can’t pay for your food?
Michael|Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing.
Waiter|You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much.
Michael|Well the number three is not such a giant feast.
Waiter|[calling to the back] Mr. Chu!
Micahel|Okay, all right. You know what?
Waiter|You were trying to steal food from us?
Michael|I am not. I just have had a bad day.  And I… okay. I’ll be back later with the money. I’m just gonna leave right now.
Waiter|You can’t. We’ll stop you.
Michael|Well, I think I can get through the door.
-
Dwight|Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian…
Erin|[point to picture] It’s Michael!
Waiter|He just left.
Erin|You knew.
Holly|What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What… what are you implying?
Dwight|Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don’t know. Do you know?
Waiter|I think he was heading downtown.
Dwight|He’s heading downtown.
-
Gabe|So what, no one’s even gonna try?
Pam|Guess not.
Gabe|Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive.
Darryl|You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You’re a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter]
Gabe|Hey…
Stanley|[whispers] Click the “x”
Phyllis|[whispers] I’m clicking!
Stanley|In the box.
Phyllis|I am clicking.
Stanley|Woman, you’ve had a computer for years!
Andy|Phyllis!
Gabe|Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I’ll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don’t want to be your babysitter.
Andy|Oooohhh.
-
Gabe|“Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat.” [laughter]
Kevin|Nice!
Gabe|No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn’t even include the fact that they’re dogs.
Andy|Do the next one.
Gabe|“Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you’re dreaming you’re a dog on a desert island.’
Darryl|Dreaming he’s a dog on a island.
Gabe|Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming?
Phyllis|Well, if you think it’s so easy, Gabe, why don’t you try it?
Gabe|Umm… “You don’t have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I’m the only one here.” Ha.
Oscar|That’s tasteless, Gabe.
Gabe|Tasteless?
Oscar|Tasteless.
Gabe|More tasteless than this…”is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let’s pee on it.”  [laughter]
Pam|Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner.
Phyllis|Yes.
Kevin|Yes, well done!
Oscar|Who’s is it? Who wrote that?
Phyllis|Yeah, who wrote it?
-
Angela|Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe.
-
Erin|Where did he go, Holly?
Holly|I have no idea.
Dwight|Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that’s chirping to you, “this way, this way”?
Holly|I don’t know.
Dwight|Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we’re coming for you!
Holly|Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that’s all.
Dwight|All right then. Someone propose a plan.
Erin|Okay. We fan out…
Dwight|Not you, Erin.
Holly|Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let’s just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight|That is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly|Look, I’m not playing. I’m gonna go look for him.
Erin|Good. We don’t need her.
Dwight|Right.  I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right… I’m deep below the ocean’s surface in a submarine. A torpedo’s coming right at me. No. Damn it, that’s just my own imagination.  Maybe he’s bowling.
-
Holly|[walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael?
Michael|Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here?
Holly|What are you doing up here?
Michael|I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin.
Holly|Dunder Mifflin.
Michael|Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much.
Holly|I missed you too.
Michael|Really?
Holly|Yeah.
Michael|Can I kiss you?
Holly|Yeah.
Michael|Okay.
-
Phyllis|Maybe that’s not the best one. Keep reading.
Gabe|Uh, it was.
Meredith|Maybe it wasn’t.
Gabe|“Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe.”
Andy|Oh! [laughter]
Phyllis|No, that’s not the one I was thinking of. Keep going.
Gabe|“I know what it smells like but I didn’t roll in anything. It’s from listening to all of Gabe’s bull[bleep]. [laughter] “Isn’t this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I’m Gabe and I’m a weirdo.”
Andy|[laughs]
Gabe|“Gabe’s mom… hmm… Gabe’s mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her.”
Phyllis|Yeah, there you go. [laughter]
