Dwight|….back orders and you never called them.
Oscar|Can you believe this?
Erin|There’s a dog in the car.
Oscar|You can’t leave a dog in a parked car. [points to “I’d rather be snowboarding” bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures.
Jim|Do Snowboarders hate animals?
Oscar|I bet this guy didn’t leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Andy|Oscar, it’s not that hot out.
Darryl|A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven.
Andy|Well, we don’t know how long the driver’s been gone and it’s not in direct sunlight.
Kelly|So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag?
Kevin|Here, I’m gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.
Dwight|OK, you know what? I’m gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on.
Jim|Dwight! At least aim it.
Dwight|There you go! Here doggy! He’s not even trying. Come here doggy, come on.
Andy|We’re losing cloud cover.
Kelly|Oh don’t try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Darryl|Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time.
Oscar|This guy’s been gone long enough. He’s lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron]
Jim|Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Oscar|Come on buddy, get back.
Dwight|Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers]
Jim|Alright! Nice job, Oscar!
Oscar|And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds]
Jim|So…ah, who’s gonna take the dog?
Oscar|Why would we take the dog?
Jim|What if he jumps out the window and runs away?
Oscar|Jim, he’s not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks]
Meredith|Whoa!
Oscar|Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay.
Dwight|Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot.
Jim|Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog?
Oscar|[Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it.
Jim|Yeah, that’s pretty good.
Dwight|Yeah, that’ll work.
Kelly|That’ll work.
Jim|Nice job.
Dwight|Bye poochie!
Kelly|Bye. [Andy barks]
Meredith|Bye! [Kevin’s horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.]
-
Pam|What’s that come to? Like, what did they each win?
Jim|Oh man, it’s gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars.
Pam|Awesome.
Dwight|Before taxes.
Phyllis|That’s still a lot of money!
-
Andy|The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!…and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I’m the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I’m the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I’m the one who has to say those things.
-
Darryl|[On phone] Hello?….Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin’ baby?….Nah. No no, I didn’t win. When I got promoted I stop-…what?…Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won….Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That’ll be-…What?….Oh, his number’s in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops.
-
Darryl|When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won … playing my birthday.
-
Oscar|What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right?
Phyllis|Yeah.
Meredith|We’re lookin’ at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing.
Oscar|At least.
Jim|I mean, I don’t even know what I’d do with all that money.
Dwight|I know what you’d do with all that money. [imitating Jim] “Hey Pam, let’s buy expensive bathrobes and hug.”
Jim|No, I’d probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I’d either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
Pam|And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids?
Jim|Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine?
Pam|I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo…
Ryan|SoHo’s mostly lofts but OK.
Pam|And then every morning, I’d walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting…
Kelly|Oh, god.
Pam|And then my handsome husband…
Jim|Which ideally would be me….
Pam|Would bring me a flavored coffee.
Jim|Stop. I’m a barista in your fantasy?
Pam|Well in your fantasy we’re Stephen King characters.
Jim|I don’t know about Stephen King, I mean…
Meredith|[under her breath] get a divorce…get a divorce…
-
Kelly|I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year….I mean obviously I wouldn’t come in till noon and I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t wanna do. I mean I’m getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill.
-
Andy|Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I’m gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin’ on the new warehouse guys?
Darryl|I don’t know.
Andy|What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what?
Darryl|No.
Andy|Are they on their way over?
Darryl|I haven’t hired anyone.
Phyllis|What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it.
Darryl|I’m not checkin’ email till lunch. Four hour work week.
Andy|This is kinda time sensitive.
Darryl|I got it. I’m doin’ it.
Phyllis|Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can’t lose this client.
Andy|Alright, well until we have a new crew, let’s get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who’s in? [Erin raises hand]
Erin|As long as you guys don’t need me up here.
Phyllis|No..we don’t
Dwight|I think we’ll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement]
Oscar|Really, nobody’s gonna help her? Is chivalry dead?
Andy|Are you volunteering?
Oscar|Of course. I would. But my hip….I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes]
Andy|Jim! How ’bout you?
Jim|Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you…
Dwight|Hey…OK no. No. That. You are so not…oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer.
Andy|Great. And Kevin.
-
Kevin|Good old Kevin. He’ll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.
-
Pam|Oh, thank you.
Angela|Sure.
Pam|Wait, wait. What’s this? [holds up clipboard]
Angela|Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby’s birth weight pool.
Pam|It says “Lotto Pool”, right on top. [points to obvious title]
Angela|Yeah. And I said sorry.
Pam|Oh come on. You really think I’m gonna have a fourteen pound baby?
-
Darryl|When did I get so fat?
Andy|You look awesome.
Darryl|I didn’t hire anyone if that’s why you’re here.
Andy|Where are we in the process?
Darryl|I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of ’em. So I’d say we’re in the early stages of the process.
Andy|Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night?
Darryl|The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
Andy|You do have a fantastic basement.
Darryl|I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can’t air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point.
Andy|Right. Um, well how ’bout we take a look at some applications? …This guy wrote his in green ink, that’s pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go…there he is.
-
Andy|That is not Darryl. I don’t know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl.
-
Jim|OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That’s seventy-five boxes per person, so that’s not so bad.
Dwight|Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift]
Jim|Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh!
Kevin|Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.]
Dwight|Yup.
-
Andy|Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK…Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off?
Darryl|You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery?
Female Applicant|Your old crew won the lottery?
Andy|Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system?
Male Applicant 1|Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit?
Darryl|Oh yeah.
Andy|Well-
Darryl|One of ’em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly]
Andy|Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you’re all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there’s any donuts out you can split one. You know they’re for everybody so people get fussy….You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing?
Darryl|I don’t
Andy|You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so…
Darryl|Nope. I’m good. I’m here. Let’s find some warehouse workers.
Andy|Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren’t like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they’re gonna realize I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Darryl|OK.
Andy|We need you, OK?
Darryl|OK.
Andy|OK?
Darryl|Yeah.
Andy|Alright.
-
Dwight|[Grunts while lifting box into truck] What’s the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses]
Erin|I didn’t feel anything.
-
Andy|Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we’re gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor.
Darryl|Why do you wanna work here?
Male Applicant 1|I need a job.
Darryl|That’s not a good reason.
Andy|Good. Keepin’ ’em honest.
Darryl|Don’t just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it’s ten years later and you’re still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it’s not gonna change.
Andy|Are we scaring them straight….?
Darryl|I hope so. Think about this carefully. There’s better lives than this one.
-
Darryl|I’ve never been lucky. And I’m not talkin’ about the lottery, I’m talkin’ ’bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything?
-
Ryan|Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me?
Pam|No.
Ryan|Why not? What are you doing?
Pam|Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs]
Ryan|Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it.
Pam|You came in at 10:30 today, right?
Ryan|OK, (we’ll just dismiss it.)??????
-
Andy|Is everyone licensed?
Male Applicant 2|Like a driver’s license?
Andy|No. Warehouse license….Masters in warehouse sciences?…I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.
Female Applicant|Is this a joke?
Andy|No. Not joking. This is real….painfully real, what is happening right now.
-
Kevin|[On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I’m not gonna make it. I’m turning back.
Jim|There’s gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight|Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you’re right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday.
Jim|Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they’re not smart people.
Dwight|[Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence.
Jim|I’d go with that.
Dwight|Like baboons or elephants.
Jim|Not that, don’t…
Kevin|Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh.
Jim|It’s a great idea Kev, I don’t think it applies here though, so maybe we just-
Kevin|Yeah we move stuff and it was fun.
Dwight|Kevin! Doesn’t apply.
Kevin|Right. My mom-
Erin|[grabbing Kevin’s arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up]
-
Andy|Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You’ll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um…
Male Applicant 1|How much longer is this gonna take?
-
Darryl|Did you hire ’em?
Andy|No. Because they all left.
Darryl|What do you mean “they left”?
Andy|I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn’t help.
Darryl|Then I think you should fire me.
Andy|What are you talking about? I’m not gonna fire you.
Darryl|Yeah. Just put me out of my misery.
Andy|…..OK, this is weird. I don’t, I don’t get the joke.
Darryl|No? OK. I don’t wanna be here anymore. Fire me.
-
Andy|So Darryl says to me “fire me”. But what he really means is “I’m gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.” So I say “No, you’re not fired.” But what I really mean is “I have no idea what your talking about, but I’m gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.”……..I really hope that’s what he and I mean.
-
Andy|Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who’s the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy.
Oscar|Bulk or definition?
Andy|Definition.
Oscar|Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness.
Andy|Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong?
Oscar|Oh, he’s plenty strong.
-
Oscar|It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold’s Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell.
-
Pam|So. I’ve been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings….
Jim|Our fake winnings
Pam|And we move to the south of France. See? No, there’s plenty of bicycling for you. I think that’s where they do the Tour de France.
Jim|It is, yeah. I mean I just don’t know why I’m compromising if it’s my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it’s Maine and you love it.
Pam|Because I’m never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Jim|Nope. You’re, you’re doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs]
Dwight|Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again?
Jim|A…hot chocolate tea
-
Andy|Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America’s diminishing blue-collar workforce?
Gideon|North America…and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That’s the headline version.
Andy|Great….Well, it’ll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse.
Gideon|FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
Andy|Eh, cool. We’ll figure that out.
Nate|Also, FYI, ah, I don’t techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there’s a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I’ll hear ’em as one big jumble. Uh, again it’s not that I can’t hear, uh because that’s false. I can. Um, I just can’t distinguish between everything I’m hearing.
Andy|Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that?
Bruce|Made it.
Andy|So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That’s what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn’t ordinarily meet or know or even talk to.
-
Dwight|Message in a Bottle, The Postman…
Jim|Kevin Costner.
Dwight|Kevin Costner.
Jim|Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse]
Kevin|So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
Erin|You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it!
-
Jim|So, it’s not the dumbest idea.
Dwight|It’s not the greatest one either…
Jim|But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes.
Dwight|And it’s clear we’re not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor]
Jim|So sadly, it’s the best idea on the table.
Dwight|Exactly.
Kevin|I think we’re ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim?
Jim|Is he OK?
Dwight|Yep. He’ll be fine.
-
Andy|Surprise! Your new crew.
Darryl|Would you just fire me, man?
Andy|Why? Because you didn’t win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy?
Darryl|You wanna make me happy? Huh?
Andy|Yeah.
Darryl|Give me your job.
Andy|Haha, what?
Darryl|I’ll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me.
Andy|I’m not gonna give you my job! It’s my job! I earned it! And here’s the thing, you weren’t even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that.
Nate|Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don’t have a hearing problem, it’s just when there’s a lot of noises…
Andy|Nate! Please….thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D’Angelo, what happened to that?
Darryl|He died.
Andy|He didn’t die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I’d be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven’t asked me about it?
Nate|What wa-, what was the last…I’m havin’ a-
Andy|None, no part of this has anything to do with you.
Darryl|I didn’t have time because of my daughter.
Andy|Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class.
Darryl|Hey I’m not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face.
Andy|Hey. Here’s the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause]
Darryl|OK.
Andy|OK what?
Darryl|OK, don’t fire me.
Andy|Ah, OK.
-
Darryl|My future’s not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do.
-
Darryl|I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it’s gonna be mostly my bunch.
Andy|Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright.
Kevin|Here…
Andy|What is goin’ on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes]
Kevin|Oh hey guys.
Darryl|Why is the forklift in the wall?
Andy|Why is the truck empty?
Dwight|Uh, it’s not totally empty.
Darryl|Is that grease on my floor?
Dwight|OK, I can see why you’re angry, you’re coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this.
Darryl|And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease?
Kevin|OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it’s cool cause we found another use for them.
Jim|OK, alright, that’s…look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
Darryl|And?
Erin|And we did.
Dwight|I don’t know.
Erin|Jim? Tell them what it’s called.
Jim|That’s alright.
Kevin|No Jim, tell ’em what a name is.
Jim|Doesn’t matter what the name is. Señor Loadenstein, that’s stupid.
Kevin|[laughing] Señor Loadenstein. Tell ’em why it’s called that, Jim.
Jim|That’s OK, we’re good.
Erin|Jim…
Andy|No, Jim. Tell us why it’s called Señor Loadenstein.
Jim|Porque es muy rapido.
Dwight|OK. You know what? It’s been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away.
Darryl|Let me see it.
Dwight|It’s uh, it’s in beta testing.
Darryl|Let me see it!
Dwight|Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping.
Dwight, Erin, Jim & Kevin|Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts]
-
Phyllis|Yeah, I lost my client.
-
Creed|I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport.
-
Toby|I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files.
-
Pam|We came to an agreement. We’re going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Jim|Right. It’s city and country combined.
Pam|Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
Jim|And I can fish right from the window of Pam’s pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want.
Pam|Just like now.
Jim|[laughs] Just like now….too bad the schools are terrible.
Pam|Oh..
Jim|But what are you gonna do about that?
Pam|What are you gonna do?
-
Toby|If I won the lottery, I don’t know. I don’t think I’d make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone….
-
Ryan|I’d give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can’t cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten’s not gonna make a difference. At some point, you’re just throwing good money after bad.
-
Phyllis|The first thing I’d buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It’s embarrassing.
-
Jim|Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we’re basically there.
Dwight|I know. Kevin, we’ve been friends for a long time, right?
Kevin|Egons.
Dwight|So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield-
Jim|Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea.
Dwight|I wouldn’t be asking you lightly, now would I?
Kevin|No.
Dwight|Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er…
Jim|Dammit Dwight!
Kevin|However it’s normally done.
-
Jim|Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away?
Kevin|Yeah Jim, why’s it so far?
Erin|Why’s it so far away?
Jim|Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don’t know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper.
Dwight|Yeah, why is it so far away Jim?
-
Jim|So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck]
Kevin|Back…
Erin|Yeah.
Kevin|That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa!
Jim|Whoa whoa whoa!
Erin|You’re doing great! A little farther away from the wall!
Kevin|No no no!
Erin|Good…
Jim|No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You’re way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great.
Dwight|Come on!
Jim|Good.
