Pam|[telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we’ll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling.
Kevin|Nice.
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Pam|There’s this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it’s not — it doesn’t sound cool. You just have to see it.
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Pam|Well, I guess it doesn’t look that cool either. But, it’s been up there a long time, so it’s become a pretty big deal.
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Jim|Wow. It’s the end of an era.
Pam|Did a good job, Buddy. Now it’s time to come home.
Oscar|I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy.
Kevin|When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel.
Ryan|How long do you think it’s been up there, Kevin?
Kevin|I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, “Look, a balloon.”
Dwight|My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms.
Meredith|My kid didn’t have a face tattoo.
Darryl|I was still thinking of going back to school.
Jim|And I was still just a paper salesman.
Dwight|Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs]
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All|Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause]
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Jim|Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it?
Kevin|oooh
Darryl|Me.
Phyllis|Yeah.
Dwight|Right here.
Nellie|Allow me to solve your problem, then.
Jim|Nellie
Nellie|Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie?
Jim|What brings you to town?
Nellie|Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let’s build a shrine. No, I’ve come to work here.
Dwight|What?
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Dwight|How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I’m in an identical situation.
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Toby|Robert did say you’d be joining us. Welcome. I’m Tony.
Nellie|Mm.
Pam|What?
Toby|I- I said I’m Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I’m Toby.
Pam|You messed up saying your name?
Toby|It happens, okay? Uh, so let’s just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I’m sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in.
Nellie|That one looks empty.
Jim|No, that’s Andy’s office.
Nellie|Oh, is it?
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Nellie|I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It’s how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.
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Erin|Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo.
Alonzo|Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers]
Erin|How are you? How’s your family doing?
Erin|Bye.
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Erin|Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That’s right. I’m a maid for an old lady. Her grandson’s staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away.
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Robert|Nellie.
Nellie|Robert.
Robert|How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far?
Nellie|So far, so good.
Robert|Good.
Nellie|Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous.
Robert|Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn’t it?
Nellie|Mm-hm.
Robert|Now. Let’s find you something fun to do here, shall we?
Nellie|Oh, I’ve already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove.
Robert|We have a manager.
Nellie|Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I’ve been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap.
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Robert|Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning?
Kevin|Huh. Yeah, that’s weird. He’s usually here by now. Right guys?
Andy|[on phone] Hello.
Robert|Andy, it’s Robert. Why aren’t you at work?
Andy|Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I’m super sick.
Robert|I don’t care, I don’t care. Please come to work immediately.
Andy|Okay, I’ll try to come in even though I’m really sick with the…
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Andy|[standing in ocean] …Florida Flu.
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Robert|He just hung up on me mid-sentence.
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Andy|I’m in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn’t coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP.
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Robert|Not much we can do about this until he gets here.
Jim|Can’t you do something about this?
Robert|Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim.
Jim|-Right.
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Jim|What is going on? And where’s Andy? And what is going on?
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Irene|Erin, you got a package.
Erin|I’m in the bathroom.
Glenn|Where’s the postage? I mean, there’s no shipping label.
Irene|Did you wash your hands?
Erin|Yes.
Erin and Irene|[screaming as Andy busts out of box]
Andy|[singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I’m yours!
Erin|Andy, what are you doing here? It’s great to see you.
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Andy|Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you.
Irene|Where’s the ring?
Andy|Hm?
Irene|Where’s the ring, Lancelot?
Erin|Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.
Erin|Um, Andy… I am so happy to see you. But I’m not coming back with you.
Glenn|[whispering off screen] Why won’t she go with him?
Irene|[whispering] I don’t know. Maybe it’s ’cause he’s not that handsome.
Erin|Hey… don’t listen.
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Nellie|So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn’t it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It’s a lot. So, who knows what’s going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it… chumbo?
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Jim|I think it’s a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It’s not a name.
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Nellie|So no one can tell me what’s going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m’lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager.
Pam|Robert, is Nellie our new manager?
Robert|[laughs] This is an odd situation. But it’s very interesting how it’s playing out.
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Robert|We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone’s lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman?
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Nellie|I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way.
Kevin|Hot tub party?
Nellie|Performance reviews.
Pam|How can you give us performance reviews if you don’t know us?
Nellie|On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me.
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Glenn|Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today.
Erin|Oh, thanks. I’ve been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It’s only going to keep getting better.
Irene|So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend?
Andy|Well, we’re not really dating anymore, so… basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I’s, you know.
Erin|So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend.
Irene|I think you should leave, young man.
Andy|All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn’t want to stop until I saw you.
Erin|You didn’t even stop to pee? Gross.
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Jim|Any luck?
Pam|No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail.
Andy|[on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na-
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Erin|Oh, you’re doing so good. Oh my God, you’re superman over there. [Andy’s phone vibrating]
Irene|You should take it. It’s probably your girlfriend wondering where you are.
Andy|Nope. It’s just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I’m getting stronger.
Irene|You really wouldn’t feel those kinds of results after one session.
Andy|I don’t know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It’s fine.
Irene|You could put it on silent.
Andy|I don’t think it does that.
Irene|Just go to preferences, then click –
Glenn|[answering Andy’s phone] Proctology.
Jim|[on phone] Andy?
Andy|Jim?
Jim|Andy, where are you?
Andy|I- I’m home in bed. I’ve been in bed all day. I got the– I got the serious poops, man.
Irene|He’s here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down.
Jim|What? You’re in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram’s trying to take your job.
Andy|What do you mean, take my job?
Jim|Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager.
Andy|Okay… Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m not coming home without Erin. So I’ll talk to you later.
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Jim|Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you’re basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager.
Angela|Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn’t have to work?
Pam|I like working here.
Jim|Dwight, should she be our manager?
Dwight|I wouldn’t let her manage a celery farm.
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Dwight|Those who can’t farm, farm celery.
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Jim|And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat]
Nellie|All right. Let’s get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis.
Phyllis|Nellie, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don’t know.
Nellie|Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight.
Dwight|I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever.
Nellie|Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You’re getting a raise.
Dwight|What?
Nellie|Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise?
Dwight|There’s no limit to what I think I deserve.
Nellie|Then you accept it?
Dwight|Five percent. No less.
Nellie|Absolutely not. Seven percent.
Dwight|Six percent, I know my worth.
Jim|The raise isn’t real.
Dwight|Money isn’t real ever since we got off the gold standard.
Nellie|So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I’m fairly certain you’re going to like it.
Pam|Phyllis.
Phyllis|Pam.
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Nellie|So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you.
Phyllis|Really?
Nellie|Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there… all very impressive.
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Jim|Um… are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises?
Robert|I am not. Huh.
Jim|Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis.
Robert|Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown?
Jim|Land. World. Uh, it’s not that I don’t want a– well, yes, I guess I’d take a raise. That’s not what I’m saying. That’s not– sorry.
Robert|Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss.
Jim|Yes.
Robert|Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim|Oh, god, nature, please.
Robert|When two animals are having sex, one of them…
Jim|[exhales sharply]
Robert|… is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua– this isn’t very helpful. You’re gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor.
Jim|Was that not the–
Robert|All life is sex. And all sex is competition.
Jim|Mm-hm.
Robert|And there are no rules to that game. That wasn’t so perverted, now was it?
Jim|Was that it? No, that wasn’t bad.
Robert|My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn’t he decide who the manager is?
Jim|No. I would’ve said no.
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Nellie|Mm, let’s see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise.
Kelly|Oh, great.
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Jim|I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it’s okay for someone to just take someone else’s job? Shouldn’t work like that.
Dwight|No, you know what? Nellie’s right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now.
Darryl|No.
Dwight|Yes.
Darryl|No.
Dwight|Yes.
Darryl|No.
Dwight|Yes.
Darryl|No.
Dwight|Yes.
Darryl|No.
Dwight|Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I’m here. This is mine. Back off.
Dwight|[Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow.
Dwight|[panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome.
Creed|Touch me and I’ll sue.
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Erin|I’ve heard that’s amazing when it works.
Andy|Yeah, if I had my own–
Erin|Andy, I care about you and I think–
Andy|–sorry, you go.
Erin|No, go ahead.
Andy|Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other’s mouth. It’s just stupid. What were you going to say?
Erin|Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else?
Andy|You broke my heart too.
Erin|You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we’re not meant to be.
Andy|I’m so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time.
Erin|I know.
Andy|[sighs]
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Nellie|So, Pamela, I’m going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want.
Pam|Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager’s position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I’m easy.
Nellie|That’s not really what you want. What you want is a good night’s sleep, working mother of two.
Pam|Whoa, that’s kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim?
Nellie|Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for– what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night?
Pam|Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn’t is because I’m breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn’t like a bottle.
Nellie|You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap?
Pam|No.
Nellie|Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There’s a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I’ll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money.
Pam|I think… you’re a witch.
Nellie|I think you’re amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: “I’m amazing.”
Pam|[drowsily] I’m amazing. [sighs]
-
Irene|Erin, I think you’re making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy.
Erin|Really? ’cause you’ve been kind of a B to him all afternoon.
Irene|I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he’s willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink–
Erin|Irene, what would you do without me?
Irene|We’re not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn’s going to sue Home Depot.
Erin|Why?
Irene|He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture.
-
Nellie|Jim, time for your review.
Jim|No, it’s not, because you don’t really work here.
Nellie|Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn’t you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise?
Jim|Yeah, that’s the thing. I don’t know if you can even give raises.
Nellie|Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell?
Jim|Yes.
Nellie|I’m Tinkerbell.
Jim|No.
Nellie|Mm-hm. I’m a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises.
Stanley|And we are grateful.
Nellie|But here’s the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn’t exist.
Jim|She dies.
Nellie|She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell?
Jim|Let’s see it. Show of hands.
Kevin|I do. [applause] Come on everyone…
Jim|All right, guys, stop.
Meredith|I already spent the money.
Jim|How?
Kevin|Come on Jim, you’re killing her!
All|We believe! We believe!
Robert|Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie’s leadership. I believe. [applause continues]
-
Andy|That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin’s favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It’s biodegradable. Animals will eat it.
Erin|Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don’t go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don’t love you. I’m sorry.
Andy|Erin!
Erin|Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street]
Erin|Let’s get out of here.
Andy|Okay.
Erin|Let’s go.
Andy|Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff.
Erin|No, I don’t have any stuff.
Andy|Like your toothbrush and stuff.
Erin|I don’t have one.
Andy|You don’t have a toothbrush?
Erin|No.
Andy|How do you not have a toothbrush?
Erin|I just… there’s always one around.
Andy|You just use whichever one is sitting there?
Erin|I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush?
Andy|Of course. I own my toothbrush.
-
Nellie|I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don’t work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that’s the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It’s just random.
